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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  The Fastest Guns In The West Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Fastest Guns In The West  (currently 3821 views)
Don
Posted: September 26th, 2005, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Fastest Guns In The West by Graeme Beresford (bez) - Western - Two outlaws perform the feared and respected 10 paces duel.  Two bags lye either side of them.  Who are they?  What are their stories?  What is in the bags?  An elderly barman called Samuel will talk us through.  But does he himself have a history with these outlaws?  How does it end?  How does it come to this? - pdf, format


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jerdol
Posted: September 26th, 2005, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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1)  Your title puts an apostrophe in "guns".  On this forum nobody will care much, but anyone in the business will throw it out without reading it the moment he sees a grammatical error in the title.  Apostrophes come in posessives, not in plurals.  With plural posessives, you put an apostrophe after the 's'.  If it was a typo ignore all this.  Also, in the third line of description at the start you write the posessive without an apostrophe.
Nevermind the specific examples.  There's bad apostrophe use across the script (page 7:  You write "sees" with one).

2)  You don't need a "CUT TO:" before a scene heading.  It's ipso facto, and doesn't need to be mentioned.

Now for the review of the content:

Seamus' dialogue at the beginning is a bit week, but other than that the dialogue is pretty good.  It fits with the epic quality the film tries to portray.

I think that the outlaw characteristics are a bid weak; One-Gun's is worse than Hang 'Em Twice's, and is logically absurd.  As those don't affect the main storyline, I recommend changing them.


***SPOILERS***



The bullets hitting each other in mid-air is both silly and over-used (I hate that combination).  Maybe if they just miss each other?

There are certainly more than just two outlaws in the world.  I think their final lines should be "I am the best", or something similar.

Please, please, PLEASE, change their last names.  It removes all seriousness from the film.


***END SPOILERS***


I think the idea was solid, most of the scenes were pretty good, and the epic atmosphere is certainly produced.  I give it a 3.5/5

I also think that with a bit of work (okay, a lot of work) it could be lengthened into a full feature.  During the flashbacks, you could go over more than just one scene of theirs.  You could explain how they started their careers, show several stories about them, etc., and to keep the main plot in the foreground you could at someplace like around the halfpoint also mention the first time they met or something like that.  Going over their lives of crime in flashbacks makes a very interesting movie, and increases the power of the ending (although that would need to be lengthened for a feature).  Just a thought.


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bez2k
Posted: September 27th, 2005, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the great review matey.  Much appreciated.

If I am totally hoenst I never really give much thought to grammar when I write.  Its something I will definetly have to work on in the future if I want to improve my writing skills.

So the title should be, The Fastest Guns' In The West.  Got ya.

As this script was written about a year ago I still used the CUT TO: element.  I no longer use this when I write.  

I like what you say about the dialogue.  I have taken it all onboard.  As far as it being a bit too far fetched and totally illogical I think my answer to that would be the fact that this is sort of a fantasy Western.  The language isn't perfect, the fact that these outlaws have a sort of power that gives them an advantage over other outlaws means that I have tried to display this Western as a modern Western.  

I think their characteristics are fine.  I tried to make them seem totally opposite to each other therefore the reader/viewer will have no idea about what is to come.

This is actually my 2nd Draft of this script but obviously with your input I can create a 3rd Draft and post it up.  The script was wrote as a short story and I have no intention of making it a 120 page full script.  The bullets hitting each other in mid-air again shows the power that these outlaws have and their names relate to the story so I would not change them.  I think their names and actions are perfect.

Much appreciate your feedback though.  I may write another draft to this soon and post it up.  Thanks for your time.

Graeme!


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greg
Posted: September 29th, 2005, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey this was a great read!  Very impressive!  You captured the customs of the Old West pretty accurately and did a great job in incorporating the lingo as well.  Specifically I liked the descriptions of One Shot and Hang Em Twice as told by Samuel, very effective and very well written.

It reminded me of all of those classic old west movies with outlaws and stuff, you followed up on the formula very well.  Some of the violence was a little excessive and and unbelievable, such as the decapitation and the killing of the police rangers, but the action with the one shot killing two guys was pretty clever.

Overall, this was a fast and very entertaining read and the ending capped everything off nicely.  You're a talented writer and obviously very good at the Western genre, keep it up!

And you don't need the apostrophe at all.  Just FYI


Be excellent to each other
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bez2k
Posted: September 30th, 2005, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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What FYI mean? lol

Thanks for the great review mate.  I am pleased you liked it so much.  I have been considering making a 3rd draft to this script so please keep checking out the boards to see if the script has been updated.  

Thanks for everything you said.  Keep a look out for my future scripts to.  

Thanks alot matey.  Take it easy.


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Balt
Posted: September 30th, 2005, 11:32am Report to Moderator
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FYI means For your information, I believe... I think... maybe...
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bez2k
Posted: October 31st, 2005, 8:10am Report to Moderator
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Hello all,

3rd draft completed and up for your viewing.  I took all your opinions on board and changed some dialogue and action.

Please read, and drop more opinions.

Graeme

(The link to the 3rd draft is the original link up top!)


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Kevan
Posted: January 22nd, 2006, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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I can’t make comments on your earlier draft but I’ve read your 3rd draft you’ve posted since the others made their comments.

You definitely have a talent for dialogue..

You set the scene well and your descriptions and action are well written.

Not sure about the use of Voice Over in a short screenplay. I would have preferred the characters exchanging dialogue as the story unfolds myself and let the story tell itself without the Voice Over device.. Can see what you’re doing but I’m not sure it works here.. Like I said, good dialogue from those characters speaking in Voice Over but too limited by other characters until the end.

If you opened the story out so the characters told the story of the two outlaws in a bar and employ flashback then the Voice Over would probably be more believable..

Some of the western conventions were broken but my guess you did this for comic effects more than anything else.. Can’t see a gunslinger killng two guys will one bullet myself. Good idea about the other Outlaw, real nasty his way of killing people. Can appreciate the idea behind the conceptual construction behind the two outlaws but me thinks One Shot needs a little work. Maybe if you say he kills each man with a single shot because he shoots them straight in the middle of their head – this would justify his nickame rather than shooting two people with one shot kind of deal..

Good ending, I liked that.. Nobody wins in the bad Old West.. Very mythic..

You have a lot going for this screenplay, some snappy writing and catchy dialogue. Story ain’t bad but there are some holes which need plugging.. If you re-write another draft set the telling of the story in a bar so the story is relayed to a stranger with a group of other townsfolk listening in.. You can then have those other townsfolk shown (and speaking) in the unfolding drama to come.

Finally, try and remove the mention of any camera and montages or anything which then make a screenplay look and read like a shooting script.. You’re writing a ‘spec script’ and really need to keep all that stuff out as much as you can... Anything technical, including slowmotion – cut it out – don’t use it..

Not a bad effort.. A lot of pluses in this story.. Just some basic problems with script formatting.. Otherwise -


Well done..
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