Room 462 by George Willson - Short, Gothic Horror - A detective is called to a dog run to get information about a nearby murder.Dogglebe's Halloween Writing Exercise entrant - pdf, format

Great stuff. At 7 pages it's as long as it needs to be. A very creepy short with a simple yet satisfying story. I love how the story goes full circle. It gives closure but also leaves us with plenty to think about.

Some great descriptive writing here. The part where he meets Jack in the hallway really caught me by surprise. On screen, I think that'd be quite a shock. You built up the atmosphere very well and the story fulfills all the requirements of the exercise, it's certainly gothic horror.

My one criticism would be the dialogue between the officers at the end. The exposition is necessary but I think you could disguise it better.

That aside, this is a very good script with plenty of scares and a clever plot. You don't fool me, Silvertoe, I know who you are

Spieler's "Silvertoe" comment seemed awfully weird, but I get it now.  And, yeah, you aren't fooling anybody.

(SPOILERS)

*  This one packs a lot of "shock" moments into very few pages.  The apartment itself is pretty cool, and there are plenty of quick, unexpected actions that send the story off in new directions.
*  I did not find the exposition at the end to be particularly clunky -- it's only a couple of lines, after all.
*  Not too many comments on this one -- everything works well.

This was among the better ones so far, I thought.  My biggest beef was wondering just who this "Jack" guy was.  Is he in league with the trenchcoat man, or are they one and the same?  It's not clear to me anyway.  Be sure to answer that one for me later, Auric, once Don has attached the names to these.

I agree with Bert - not exactly clear on Jack's relation to the trenchcoat man.

Other than that, this was well written in all aspects, with a particularly great ending.  I really liked it.

I love ghost stories, and this one was unusally creepy... the rotting corpse under the trench coat. I also liked the part where Mark reached up to the cop at the end, and said he was next. (That kinda caught me off guard) Very creepy story, well written, good dialogue, and descriptions.
Am I right by saying the Jack guy was a ghost who knew about the murders, and was just trying to help the police?  

This one is well written with some really good scenes. Personally, I liked the scene at the door where the ghost catches Mark off guard as he’s turning around, the first clear indication that this is a ghost story.

As earlier posters noted, I too found it a bit confusing as to who Jack was and what his motives were. I thought at one point perhaps he was Patricia’s lover. Nothing really explains why he would help the evil ghost or the police either one.

Also, I agree with an earlier post that some of the police officers’ exchange stretched beyond realistic. I’m not sure if we even needed all the information but if we do, I think it could be streamlined.

Overall, it was good stuff.

Hm, who is Jack. I agree that the question should have been answered definitely before the short ended. As I consider what I put together, I find Jack to be clearly helping the trenchcoat guy by leading people to their doom. He is also a ghost as evidenced by what he does in the hallways, scaring the crap out of the detective. Who he actually is? I dunno.

Let's see...I can see Jack being the original reident of that cursed apartment, and before we see the decayed corpse, we get Jack with a brief explanation before the skin falls off his bones. Since we are dealing with the supernatural, a double formed persona is not unreasonable or unheard of.

Did I answer this before the feedback? Nope. Like I said, I didn't know. Thanks for the compliments all. If I'd spent more than a couple hours on it, it probably would have been better, but I had just finished two screenplays and was proofreading, but wanted to get something in, so took a little time out to do it.

I can't download this, George.  I click on it and get directed elsewhere.  But when I click on this second site, I get a blank screen.  Please e-mail oit to me.


Phil

Sorry about the misdirection. I hide all my files on Angelfire and Don said he can't deep link to a pdf on that site. So I put the link on another site and give him the link to that site. In the case of this file, it's sitting on another message board that I created for myself. I did doublecheck the validity of the link, but it worked for me.

I emailed it to you.

I think it could have had a quick "flash back" themed prolog of the murder. But other than that, it was pretty good. I've never really liked murder films or anything like that, but this one might make me go watch the TBS or USA Channel or something.
Keep writing!

Creepy George, very creepy. Sheesh!!!! This actually really would have unnerved me if it had been a movie I'd have watched alone....

I too love the way this comes round full circle. I was impressed with the length and quality of your writing, though I expected it'd be this good. I liked your dialogue and I really liked the ghost revelation scene in particular.

I suspect that Jack was also the trenchcoat man who used to live upstairs? And they were one in the same supernatural being... both luring all those who'd entered their room to their death? If I'm wrong, then I will re-read!!

You and the others I've read tonight have done an amazing job with the October challenge. Well done!

Concisely written, flowed really well and you scared me a bit too.

A successfully creeped out Andy!
xxx

Hi George, just read this. It´s hard to believe you put this up together in just a couple of hours. Very solid. Impressive.

I liked the story; it was very creepy. I specially liked how Jack misteriously appears and dissapears, and Mark´s “Be careful, you´re next”. That moment was a creepy surprise.

Format was excellent; there´s only a couple of minor details that I´d like to point:

I don´t think it´s neccesary to write “DAY” in all sluglines when writing continuous action (i.e. When you cut from Mark entering the building, to Mark inside the lobby.)

IMO you don´t need the INSERT and END INSERT. By describing what´s written on the note, the reader knows he´s “looking” at the note. And by describing something else in a separate line, the reader knows he´s no longer “looking” at said note. You could loose the camera direction without any harm to the story.

On page 6, about Patricia´s dialogue in V.O… Did you mean O.S.? I think that technicaly this is a O.S. but maybe I´m getting the scene wrong. Not sure about this.

Overall, very good stuff. Good work.