Horoscopes by Jose L. Villanueva - Drama - The signs of the zodiac are displayed in twelve inter-connected short stories that are tied together and linked to an astrological radio program. Originally conceived as a pilot or mini-series for cable television. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I'm gonna check this out... I've got a fair interest in that kind of stuff.  Write my review shortly...hopefully...

lesley

Yikes, twelve stories?! I can see that working as a mini-series but not as one 2 hour movie.

lesleyjl21 - please post a review, I would like to know if this works.

ETA - I just opened the script and saw it's 179 pages, which is closer to 3 hours than 2.

I agree with you on the length.  I'm trying my hardest to read the whole thing, but after 41 pages, I feel I've got enough for a good preliminary review (I guess I'll post that but try to keep reading - this thing is really long - I think potential television producers would be put off by that because it is three hours, but then I do feel a lot could be cut and the pacing much quicker).

Overall, author, I'll say you have a knack for good smooth and believable transitions with each of these signs.  (I'm up to Elvis in the hospital.  Gemini.)  

It's just the vignettes themselves surrounding all these people that need work.  You were really reaching in quite a few of them and thus there is a lot of incredulity on the audience's part to be dealt with here (i.e. a lot seems very "convenient").  Personalities are inconsistent and underdeveloped.  Why does every story I've read seem to center around either having sex or somebody trying their damnedest to get some?  The interaction between characters themselves (your dialogue) can come across as flat, predictable and amateurish, like you don't "dizzy" it up very much, and the whole thing becomes extremely one dimensional.  It's one level instead of several.  It just seems your audience is wondering who next is going to try to hook up with the character that continues the horoscope line.  And "outloud" is two words (and not to mention, somewhat extraneous, since you already know you should capitalize sounds so that we know they can be heard, right?) Honestly, if I were watching this, I might change the channel after awhile due to lost interest.  

Not to say this could not be extremely interesting with more work.  I like the premise.  It's actually a very good idea.  Your execution needs reevaluation.  

You have a method of having your characters talk too much when you could easily show more.  (Case in point:  Elvis telling Renee he's on the run because he's a criminal.  Next time we see him he's planning a bank robbery and then we see him do the whole ski mask/gun thing...  Did he really need to tell Renee anything but goodbye?  Same with Conrad and Sylvia.  Dialogue is not your only way to tell the story.)  

I took notes throughout my reading and I can give you more detail input if you would like, but only if you would like that (as in it gets pretty detailed).

Hope I was of some help.  None of this is meant as an attack on your skills.  I see you're actually quite talented, and like I said, I do like the concept, but I think the execution (and page length) could use some work.

thanks for reading :)

lesley