Corduroy by Kevin Cook - Short, Drama - {no summary} - doc, format 8)

Yea thats my short screenplay.

kevin
17 year old aspiring screenwriter

Hey, what's the script about?

BTW, if you get a chance read "The Unknown" and "The Everland"
8)

Hey
I would say its a story of greed, irony, and politican motivation about Dean, who loses his job and is forced to scrape up money as he meets a man who forces him to turn against his best friend and ex boss, Terry.
Kev

Sounds cool.

Read it and tell me what you think. I tried my best. I mean im only 17 and this is my first script. So i guess i get a little break, i dunno.

Thanks
Kev

did anyone read it?

*SPOILERS*

Hi Kevin, I read it but you'll have to bear with me cos I aint that familiar with Pearl Jam lyrics, I assume thats a lot of what you were quoting in the dialogue? Anyway I thought you did a fantastic job of creating this really dark gloomy atmosphere and introducing a main character who had all but given up hope, but then it all seemed a bit rushed at the end. He didn't take much persuading to turn against his friend - especially as he'd only been out of a job for five minutes and he had already been offered a new one? And I didn't understand who Eddie was - how he did he know about Deans phone scams and why did he want to kill Terry (or was the whole thing just a set-up to ruin Dean? If so why)?

A couple of bits of action need editing - at the beginning Dean makes coffee twice within the space of two lines, at the end I assume he has a gun and thats why the cops get on the floor, but you never actually say 'he is holding a gun'.

But all in all its an impressive effort for your first script - maybe you could look at making it longer and filling in more of the story, showing Dean wrestling with his conscience and going deeper and deeper into despair until he feels he has no choice, explaining Eddies part in the whole affair.


Shonagh

I read this today and I have to seriously ask you:  WTF?

I can only guess that you have to be a Pearl Jam fan to understand what you wrote, because I'm not a fan and this made no sense to me.  There were numerous lines that made no sense.  Were these lines from PJ songs?

after reading this, I know nothing about Dean.  I don't know where he worked for three years.  I don't know why he was fired.  I don't know why he would be willing to talk to Eddie about killing Terry.  He doesn't know thte guy.  Eddie first says it was a favor.  Then it was an ultimatem and then it became a contract hit.

I don't understand the restaurant scene, the customer service scene, the pawnm shop scene, the diner scene,.  I don't see what Eddie had over Dean.  What was thtat slip of paper he had?  I don't understand why Eddie wants Terry dead.  



SPOILER SPACE



Why was there a gunshot at Terry's house when Dean didn't shoot him?

When the cops arrive at Eddie's, you announce that Eddie tells them to get to the floor.  And they follow.  You then say that Dean shoots the gun out of Eddie's hand.  What gun?!!  If someone draws a gun, you should mention it.

I don't understand Eddie's murder/suicide stunt at the end.

At the risk of sounding cruel, I recommend that you take this script off this site and rewrite two or three times before you put it back up.  TWO OR THREE TIMES!!!


Phil

Yeah it definitely needs work but its his first attempt - and its certainly not the worst script I've ever read. I'm glad its not just me that didn't get the PJ references.

Kevin, maybe you should think about rewriting it without relying on song lyrics, because otherwise you're gonna alienate anyone who isn't as much of a fan as you. I think the story idea has potential, and to be honest I quite like that kind of wistfully poetic dialogue that doesnt always follow a logical pattern, but maybe thats just me.