American Garbage - Print Topic

*SPOILERS AHEAD*

I just finished reading your script. Let's get the small things out of the way first: On so many occasions you write "its" when it should be "it's" as if there were no difference between the two. That doesn't really intrude the reading of the script, but never give people a not-related-to-story reason to pick at your script. Two, I believe that you must not include camera angles in a spec script -- they are unnecessary, distracting and a nuisance. Though I sense that you might not take too kindly to parting with your STEADICAMs. With that, we move on to bigger things. *laughs*

Like everybody above has said, the borrowing from Pulp Fiction is far too obvious (the descent on Max; the off-beat conversations, (though yours sound gratuitous for reasons mentioned below); the non-linear story). Yes, nothing is original, but your job is to give an *illusion* of originality otherwise you get laughed out of the room. There are several ways to achieve this illusion, for instance, you mustn't lift scenes from a mainstream motion picture and change one or two things; you can combine cool things from a number of films and not just one; etc. As it is, Garbage, is an all too inferior rehash of Pulp Fiction. There is a major reason for this: There isn't enough story and meaningful scenes to give one an effortless journey through 135 pages, making some sequences rather tedious if the script is being read in one sitting. I say this because taken in bits over time, the dialog is often funny and somewhat captivating. You definitely need to add more juice in there, while at the same time prunning the script. I think it should be fairly easy for you to pinpoint the parts that don't really add anything to the story. Hopefully, some will come to light as I continue with my review.

The dialog is on the whole quite good. To your credit, you seem to have the ability to write in that kind of bar. Had you not the ability, trust me, you would have humiliated yourself with this Pulp Fiction likeness thingy. I do feel, however, that you kinda lost the edge as the script progressed further, later coming up with bad dialog like that in the scene with Max, Clement and Silas; or like that between Silas and Clement regarding Batman. Oftentimes, too, the dialog you wrote for the characters seemed to be a bit off color: Why does the almighty drug Lord and P.D's most wanted Chester Jamison talk like a desperate, two-bit, low-life hood? And why the hell was he so quick to tell some random dude like Troy about his misfortunes? Granted, my views on this are subjective, but certainly something seems amiss. You also seem to have criss-crossed the characters of Silas and Clement. In the opening scence, Silas is the smarter one, and Clement is the one who makes all the annoying interjections, and yet in the later scenes, Silas annoys and Clement deploys (calm, steady lines).

There is far too much pointless stuff in this script. See, you can have extended scenes with guys who are not doing anything, per se, but for that to work they have to be doing this in some context. If witty, off-beat dialog is your thing, find a way to fit it into a scene, a context, instead of randomly writing scenes to showcase your skill at writing witty dialog. Dialog should be a function of the scene, and not scene a function of the dialog. This may mean that you have to give up some of your coolest lines for the sake of the script as a whole. It isn't easy, but if the dialog can't be fitted in either within a context to do with the story, or for character illustration, then it has to go. There is not a more glaring example than the opening scene, which, ironically, has my favorite dialog. That scene achieves absolutely nothing and has no bearing whatsoever on the outcome or progression of the story. It can't even be excused as a prologue. And if it is true that one script page translates to one minute of film, then we are in trouble here. Why not start with the second scene instead? (and just so you know, I think that that sequence is also too long. I suggest you cut out everything up to and including Cohen's little outburst and subsequent mollification by his partner. This will add more tension while not taking anything away from you and your script. Remember, if you let things play out for too long, you end up exposing yourself, or even worse, your limitations.) The Troy and his wire thing plays out for too long too because you keep intercutting the scene in Jamison's house with the scene in the surveillance vehicle. Keep it in Jamison's house.

I also suggest that you spruce up the Batman dialog between Clement and Silas. It is too shallow to merit a spot in the script. Say something more, is what I am saying. You set yourself a good example before with the Travolta-walk dialog, and later with the discussion, again between Silas and Clement, about the silent gesture or something. Furthermore, I feel that two highly improbable (insofar as their outcomes are concerned) shootouts is too much for your script. I suggest you change the shootout involving the cops to make it more realistic--that is, a landlside victory for the no doubt *experienced* cops--whilst retaining (enhancing, even) the comic nuances of the shootout in the convenience store. As it is, the first one doesn't make much sense and it's outcome is hardly necessary (which means you can keep it clean) while the second one seems to have been necessitated by the plot.

Mention has been made of your attempts to be too clever. I agree with the person who said that. I think that it comes across as that because your clever dialog seemed to have been randomly inserted for no other reason but to sound clever, and also because this is the post Tarantino era and anything with the minutest semblance to his work elicits some hushed voices of discontent. I tried to not let my awareness of Q.T. and his films factor into my judgment of your script because I believe that if your dialog ability is similar to somebody else's, then it is unfair to criticise your effort. Your mistake was to not put you cleverness to better use. If every clever thing had been inserted into a meaningful context like was done for the dialog involving the siege of Hatra, then you would have had something great, the similarities to Tarantino regardless.

So yeah, three major things: 1) Refresh your story by getting rid of the scenes you lifted from Pulp Fiction 2) You actually need more story and not just a high number of pages 3) trim out the unnecessary bits, no matter how fond you are of what you regard as your smoothest dialog.

PRIVATE THOUGHT: He can definitely write. All he needs is more creativity in plot. Hmm, this has been marked with a "first draft" tag. Hopefully, he will realise that I don't review a script a certain way because it is an x-draft. I simply try to review the script in a way that I think will be useful to the writer. 135 pages? I got through 135 pages for one script! Don't be so smug, the script was properly formatted. Shut up. Whatever. B-