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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Horror Scripts  /  Season of the Devil
Posted by: Don, June 25th, 2005, 4:29am
Season of the Devil by M Bowman (scoob) - Horror - It is Halloween eve, the small town of Kensingwood is awoken from it's sleepy slumber when a series of bizarre incidents occur. Every child in the town is suddenly missing; the local hospital is suddenly deserted; the town is stripped of electricity, communication is completly cut. Even the police force are struggling to find answers. As desperation takes control of the town, the police decide to unite with the parents of the lost children and search for those missing.  What they dont know is that Hell on Earth is actually a reality, a "Trio Of Terror" has been sent from the bowels of Hell itself, intent on reviving a long lost tradition.  150 - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Scoob, June 25th, 2005, 11:14am; Reply: 1
Thank you Don for putting this up!

I hope people that read this will enjoy it and be able to post views and opinions so I can improve my writing as this is only my second script.

Cheers


Posted by: Antemasque, June 26th, 2005, 1:05pm; Reply: 2
I'm reading this right now.
Posted by: Antemasque, June 26th, 2005, 1:27pm; Reply: 3
SPOLIERS










In the beginning you have us exit earth and go through space and what now. All of this until the point where we see the preist should be taken out. It is written brillantly and all but i think it would be better if you have that explained through dialouge and what now. that is only my idea.

I like the whole demon thing. I still have no clue what the point of this is. Hopefully this is explained later because i see no reason they are sent to earth. I also dont think you should have the demons and such cheering. Maybe like a private little thing as the wind blow roughly and what not.

Ohh. Great discriptions you got here. I can see everything you describe. Perfect. Okay ia ma confused now. But i like it.

Err the dialouge between Tom and Megan could be better. Its okay and all but it can be better. Same with his conversation with Lee. Could be better. And i see some set up for Knights Hill around here. lol.

I think the whole thing with Kerry was kinda cheesy. The dialouge again i think needs work. And everyone seems to act childish.


i am starting on the Church scene
the strange wizzing thing coming by happens too soon for me.
for a bigger creep factor i would explore his character a little more before this
i think it would creepier and look better on screen
and i do like what you did to the church.

i like what happens to the kids and all
everything went smoothly.
do not change one thing about that whole scene

things happening in hospitals always creeped me out
this one did.
i like how everyone is disappearing.
it is really creepy and i enjoy every second of it.
this script is getting better and better so far.

okay.
they want something with the kids?
but what?
i am starting to think and wonder during your scipt
it is grabbing my attention.
vewry good job.
this is easily becoming one of my favorite scripts on here

if i were the people.
i would know something supernatural is going on
i mean all kids gone and people think someone did it or whatever
have more arguments amoungst the people
it will add more tension and what not

i am also starting to think this would make a great mystery/thriller
i would take out the whole scene with hell and start off on earth
make the viewer/reader think.
that is my idea.

damn kids are gonna miss their halloween
those damn kids

wtf is up with all the laughing?
hahaha
do the kids have a sinister plan against the adults.
did they make them eat their veggies?

i am starting to suspect that sheriff guy.
i think he is trying to cover something up

the script is good so far.
bravo my friend bravo

the noises are getting a little out of hand.
i mean yes it works but right now you are trying to do scare after scare.
have you seen the grudge? they tried to do scare after scare and i found that movie terrible.

nice little thing you got with the cop
my heart would be beating fast
unless the cop adds something to the story i would have him killed off right there

ahhhh creepy
church in the middle of nowhere
i like it a lot.

i dont like this.
cutting from one scene to another.
it is getting on my nerves.
i know it is for suspense reasons but its like omg cut what cut holy shit cut ahhhhh cut
you know?
the priest guy says like 2 statements then it cuts to something else.
i think you should stay with him and have him talk or whatever you have intended for him.

now this is what i am talking about
the witch
this is who i have been waiting to meet.
first gory death and it is great.
unsuspecting and all
bravo job with this.
lets see if this can last

YES!
now we are getting to the good stuff.
i like your pacing on this.
you have all the drama and half way through the reader/watcher is like holy shit
i love it.

the whole thing with father keane i think should be trimmed down a little.
i know this is all getting somewhere but it seems to drag on.
maybe have a few disturbances here and there.

this whole cult thing is pretty sweet.
i do enjoy it because it is different.
something i have not seen or read before.
sure ive seen cults and all but this has a different vibe to it and i like it a lot.
i like the killing of the cop also.

for some reason i am thinking of indiana jones while reading this?
haha i dont know why though.

alright i am in the tunnel and they found cult members handcuffed and all.
so are they the people that disappeared and they are all waiting to die?
ok it is them.

alright now to the ending.
it is smart and all but ends too soon.
i think you should add more to it.
and i dont think i fully understand its meaning.
the whole town and everyone is dead?
how did they get in the peoples houses and take all the children
i am sure an outraged mother would go screaming around town and stuff
i think you need to explain a little more.
it seems you left of as if someone was helping the 3 monster things
i dont know.

overall impression

i enjoyed it, yes. dialoge needs work and scenes lag on. Things are not completly explained. It was heart thumping and thrilling. Scenes where your heart will beat faster and faster till you see the stunning conclusion of that scene.

i give you a 8/10 overall.

You can get a 10/10 if you fix the things i mentioned above.
thank you for writing something i did not have to quit half way through.
i enjoyed it all.

Andrew


Posted by: Scoob, June 26th, 2005, 6:29pm; Reply: 4
Hi Andrew,

Thanks for taking the time to read the script, and thank you very much for you're view it is much appreciated.


AR - In the beginning you have us exit earth and go through space and what now. All of this until the point where we see the preist should be taken out. It is written brillantly and all but i think it would be better if you have that explained through dialouge and what now. that is only my idea.

I agree it is probably too much and needs work although it is vital for the script.
I could have cut down on the "we see" a little and written it better. It is essential i feel for the whole vibe to be how I wrote it as it was, describing this Hell as it is.

AR - I like the whole demon thing. I still have no clue what the point of this is. Hopefully this is explained later because i see no reason they are sent to earth. I also dont think you should have the demons and such cheering. Maybe like a private little thing as the wind blow roughly and what not.

Thank you for enjoying it, but I think everyone has their own perceptions of what Hell is like, if there is one.  This is one that is different, so to see a whole congergation of Demons cheering is something I wont change. Everything is explained but a lot is left to the imagination, which is how I wanted this to be.

AR - Ohh. Great discriptions you got here. I can see everything you describe. Perfect. Okay ia ma confused now. But i like it.

Thanks lol I think maybe I went too over the top on describing things, But the begining of this script is just starting a story. Being confused is all a part of it, it adds some kind of mystery to it. This is not a straight forward slasher.

AR - Err the dialouge between Tom and Megan could be better. Its okay and all but it can be better. Same with his conversation with Lee. Could be better. And i see some set up for Knights Hill around here. lol.

I think the whole thing with Kerry was kinda cheesy. The dialouge again i think needs work. And everyone seems to act childish.

I saved the script and i will read the rest later. sorry i gotta run. cya.

Yes the dialouge between Tom and Megan could be better, I agree. In fact, the whole dialouge could be better I need to improve on this. Basically I wanted the point made without making too much of a deal out of it, as I can always edit it and improve it. As long as the point was put across was my aim, therefore I can always go back and make it more human.

The hospital situation, I agree was probably badly done. The dialouge was the reason why and I could put things differently.

Thank you for your view, I really appriciate it.

I still feel the best is yet to come, I hope you continue to read because it is a slow burner, but I feel this is original and hopefully creative.

Thanks again for your post Andrew, I really appreciate it once more.






Posted by: Antemasque, June 26th, 2005, 8:16pm; Reply: 5
I do enjoy it. I will review the rest tomorrow. I get off work at 6 so around 7 or 8 you will have the rest of your review.

And this is original. When i read it i only think of one movie. Constantine. Probably because it deals with heaven and hell and demons and all.

And this is very creative.
Posted by: Nixon, June 28th, 2005, 2:59pm; Reply: 6
Just read it and really enjoyed it. I liked how you described the city of the damned.
Keep up the good work. Do you have anything else on this site I could read?

-Zavier
Posted by: Scoob, June 28th, 2005, 6:56pm; Reply: 7
Thank you, Im really pleased you enjoyed it.

The only other script I have on here is Friday The 13th - Rotten Flesh which was the first script I have written.

Im currently working on another script, so far titled Malevolent, which will be very much in the slasher genre.
Posted by: Antemasque, June 28th, 2005, 9:54pm; Reply: 8
i added more to the review

i got through half of it and i promise i will read the rest.
i am just really tired and im not in the mood to read anymore.
Posted by: bert, June 29th, 2005, 12:52pm; Reply: 9
Scoob:  Read this over lunch today.  Really liked it, and found it unique enough to keep the reader engaged.  Got a few thoughts

(and spoilers):


*  I like the beginning alot.  Very clever introduction to the villians of the story, and we look forward to seeing them later.  But I'm getting a weird "Power Rangers" kind of vibe from it.  The kind where you ask, "Why are the ultimate forces of evil, from galaxies away, concentrating on this crummy little town?"
*  An exchange between Officer Milner and Leroy:  I'm sure that you mean "extinguish", not "distinguish".
*  You get to the disappearances nice and quick, but the scenes at the police station and searching through the woods become tedious after a while.  Trims could be made.  Get them to the church (and the hill) faster.
*  On the hill, Steven gets tied up pretty quick.  This part confused me.
*  After what Father Keane tells us about the church, I wonder why (how) they have a janitor.
*  The computer thing is excellent, particularly the payoff!  Wait.  Now I have to take that back.  It goes on too long.  Stop at the LIST, which is MUCH more potent than anything that comes on the computer afterwards.  Honestly.  This list, scrolling slow enough to read at first, then picking up speed, would be a much more frightening and effective payoff for this scene.
*  The cult "prayed", not "preyed".  Well, they preyed, too, I guess.  But it's not what you mean to say.
*  The witch is the coolest to me.  Since you seem to be buds with Roby, why not ask him for some help with the verses.  I'll bet he has some ideas for you when he's done reading.
*  And the end.  Um...OK, I guess.  It's really, really abrupt.  So, the whole nation is dead?  From these three?  They have been awfully busy, I guess.  And why not the whole world?  I guess it just left me a little confused as to what had really been going on over these couple of days.  If that was your intent (a little confusion), then you accomplished that.  But if you meant for us to completely understand what was going on, you missed the mark by a bit and need more explanation.

Good job, man.  I hope you get some more readers for this.
Posted by: Antemasque, June 29th, 2005, 1:38pm; Reply: 10
i completed my review. scroll up for the rest.
Posted by: Scoob, June 29th, 2005, 10:02pm; Reply: 11
Andrew and Bert, thank you guys for taking the time to read my script and review it, I really appreciate you taking the time to do so.

Im delighted you both enjoyed it and I will write a responce to you're reviews tomorow as it is nearly 4 am here now and I need some sleep :)

Thanks again,


Posted by: Scoob, June 30th, 2005, 7:22pm; Reply: 12
Andrew - Thank you for the review. I will now do my best to try and comment!

AR: things happening in hospitals always creeped me out
this one did.
i like how everyone is disappearing.
it is really creepy and i enjoy every second of it.
this script is getting better and better so far.

Thank you, I cut a scene out from this when Kerry and Jack are heading towards the elevator to make it shorter so im really pleased it still has an effect. Cheers!

AR: if i were the people.
i would know something supernatural is going on
i mean all kids gone and people think someone did it or whatever
have more arguments amoungst the people
it will add more tension and what not

I think having more arguments is a good idea and that is what I tried to do between Tom and Leroy, and filter it down so everyone in the group was affected by the tension. As for the supernatural element, maybe a certain age group might have jumped to that conclusion and indeed be correct. These characters are at the point where they no longer belive in anything, let alone the supernatural. Not many level headed people i know that are 35 plus care too much for the supernatural so I based it on what they would think. Plus they are dealing with their own childrens lives, the last thing they need to think about is something they cant understand. The character to bring this to the forefront was Father Keane.

AR: am also starting to think this would make a great mystery/thriller
i would take out the whole scene with hell and start off on earth
make the viewer/reader think.
that is my idea.

I was thinking of making this a straight out mystery thriller but the intention was to deliver a solid horror. I am still in two minds whether to keep or alter the begining, it can either throw people off or it may intrigue them. I still dont know lol

AR: the noises are getting a little out of hand.
i mean yes it works but right now you are trying to do scare after scare.
have you seen the grudge? they tried to do scare after scare and i found that movie terrible.

I have seen the Grudge once and I enjoyed it, but it was no influence whatsoever on this! lol. I dont really regret the fake scares as you know one is going to be real soon enough, it's just playing with the mind a little i guess.

AR: i dont like this.
cutting from one scene to another.
it is getting on my nerves.
i know it is for suspense reasons but its like omg cut what cut holy s*** cut ahhhhh cut
you know?
the priest guy says like 2 statements then it cuts to something else.
i think you should stay with him and have him talk or whatever you have intended for him.

Yeah, Andrew I see what you mean and as I was writing it I remember thinking "will this annoy people?" lol. This is something I can change and alter as it definitly is a bit on the annoying side. The "CUT TO", I do too many times and I will try and recitfy this.

AR: the whole thing with father keane i think should be trimmed down a little.
i know this is all getting somewhere but it seems to drag on.
maybe have a few disturbances here and there.

I agree, as long as the tale is told. I cant really shorten what he says, but I will try to put this and your last comment into a joint conversation.

AR: for some reason i am thinking of indiana jones while reading this?
haha i dont know why though

LOL. I did actually think the same thing when I was writing it, I thought to myself "What the hell is this, and where is this going?". But that was part of the idea, to keep things interesting and fresh.

AR: ight now to the ending.
it is smart and all but ends too soon.
i think you should add more to it.
and i dont think i fully understand its meaning.
the whole town and everyone is dead?
how did they get in the peoples houses and take all the children
i am sure an outraged mother would go screaming around town and stuff
i think you need to explain a little more.
it seems you left of as if someone was helping the 3 monster things
i dont know.

The ending is how you percieve it, really. You can make your own mind up on what happend. It's pretty open.
I tried to combat the outraged mother/parent situation with someone throwing a brick at the police station. There was mass chaos on the street, maybe I need to outline this better.
The ending might not be the ending....
Thank you Andrew for your review, thank you for taking to time to write it as it was very informal and helpful and I will take all points aboard and work on it.

Cheers

:)
Posted by: Scoob, June 30th, 2005, 8:13pm; Reply: 13
Hi Bert, Thank you for the great review and I will try and answer some of your queries.

Bert: * I like the beginning alot. Very clever introduction to the villians of the story, and we look forward to seeing them later. But I'm getting a weird "Power Rangers" kind of vibe from it. The kind where you ask, "Why are the ultimate forces of evil, from galaxies away, concentrating on this crummy little town?"

Bert, that is a very good question. My only answer is that the Cult in Kensingwood are the only cult to worship this "evil power", therfore they had no other choice of destination. It is also the only place they could return, having been banished so many centuries ago in the same local. But sure, I take your point and it is a very valid one.

Bert: * An exchange between Officer Milner and Leroy: I'm sure that you mean "extinguish", not "distinguish".
I will alter this, thanks.

Bert: You get to the disappearances nice and quick, but the scenes at the police station and searching through the woods become tedious after a while. Trims could be made. Get them to the church (and the hill) faster.
Agreed. I did plod along a bit with pointless scenes here and I will work on cutting these down.

Bert: * On the hill, Steven gets tied up pretty quick. This part confused me.

I could alter this scene, but I wanted it to be as if he was waking up with the reader/viewer so you are as confused as he is. Who knows how it was done?

Bert: * After what Father Keane tells us about the church, I wonder why (how) they have a janitor.

Great point. I have no explanation. You have me there lol. I will sort that out.

Bert: * The computer thing is excellent, particularly the payoff! Wait. Now I have to take that back. It goes on too long. Stop at the LIST, which is MUCH more potent than anything that comes on the computer afterwards. Honestly. This list, scrolling slow enough to read at first, then picking up speed, would be a much more frightening and effective payoff for this scene.

I agree, I probably did over do the computer thing. I appreciate you liking this, but I cant take full credit as this kind of scene has appeared in a book called "Phantoms" and in a film "Prince Of Darkness".I took bits of both mixed them up with my idea and came out with that. I still think I carried it off in my own original way though!

Bert: * The witch is the coolest to me. Since you seem to be buds with Roby, why not ask him for some help with the verses. I'll bet he has some ideas for you when he's done reading.

Im glad you liked the villains, the Witch does have most personality out the trio since she is the only one that speaks! She only speaks in rhymes, something I messed up on a couple of times but I will sort that out. Maybe me and Andrew can work together on a story together sometime, it would be interesting. But not this, it would have to be something we both create together,  if he would even want to that is!

Bert: * And the end. Um...OK, I guess. It's really, really abrupt. So, the whole nation is dead? From these three? They have been awfully busy, I guess. And why not the whole world? I guess it just left me a little confused as to what had really been going on over these couple of days. If that was your intent (a little confusion), then you accomplished that. But if you meant for us to completely understand what was going on, you missed the mark by a bit and need more explanation.

The end was meant to be just that. It is down to what you want to believe happened and what the result was in the end. Who knows who is dead? What has been going on ? Has this been happening in other cities, other countries?
Thank you Bert for your great review, and for taking time to do so. I have taken your points aboard and will set about working on them in the light of day!

Cheers!!
Posted by: chism, July 2nd, 2005, 3:54am; Reply: 14
I read the first fwe pages of this script this mornning and I found it to be very well written. As in your F13 script, you're writing style is eliquent and fluent. You have a great way with words.

I will read the rest of it tonight and give you my feedback on it a little later. And I'm still waiting for another draft of Rotten Flesh. That likely to be popping up any time soon???

Cheers, Chism.
Posted by: Scoob, July 2nd, 2005, 9:57pm; Reply: 15
Thank you Chism.

The final draft of the Friday The 13th script was posted and is up and running i beleive and I will not be making any alterations to it.

I hope you enjoy this script more !

Cheers
Posted by: chism, July 2nd, 2005, 10:21pm; Reply: 16
Fair enough. I'm about halfway through it so I should have my full review in about and hour or so.

Cheers, Chism.
Posted by: Scoob, July 6th, 2005, 8:02pm; Reply: 17
I will be working on a final draft of this in the coming weeks or months, but I really wont be altering that much so I would still appreciate reader's views and opinions on this current version.

Thanks to the reviews I have recieved I can see I need to make improvements to the dialouge, particularly in the early stages.

I will be making a cut somewhere along the wood treck so they get to the church quicker.

A couple of minor changes here and there but nothing drastic.

Cheers

Posted by: Scoob, July 22nd, 2005, 5:09pm; Reply: 18
Would be great if people can read this and give me a review , it would be really appreciated.

I dont think my sypnosis helps, I probably over done it a little, can i change it on here or do i need to email Don to re-arrange it?

Cheers
Posted by: George Willson, July 23rd, 2005, 7:44pm; Reply: 19
Wow, I wrote 6 pages of stuff on this. It might take more than one postd. Scoob, you wanted a review, you got one. After I finished it, I think you came up with a decent storyline, but your execution is a little off in some places. My comments are made as I read through it, and I post them unedited to let you know what I was thinking as I read some spots.

SPOILERS ALL OVER THE PLACE LIKE SO MUCH GORE THAT THIS STORY HAS...



The we’s and us’s are annoying. It’s like you’re sitting there explaining your story instead of telling it. Drop every single “we see” and applicable derivatives and it will improve considerably.

Generally, check your “you’re” vs. “your”. You have a large tendency to mix these up throughout. Same thing goes for "there", "their", and "they're".

No page numbers, so you’re on your own on finding these. I'll write a sentence so you can CTRL+F it.

“He wears a necklace which bares the "SOWEN" symbol.” - bares should be bears. You may also wish to describe this symbol.

“Tom and Megan exchange quick glances, no words said as Tom walks into the kitchen.” - If there is no dialogue, there are clearly no words making the description kinda redundant.

JAMES
(questionably)
Why you shouting at Dad, mom?

Review your wrylies. Like this one (questionably), many are completely unnecessary. James is asking a question, making his line clearly said in a questionable manner. Your dialogue and action should dictate how an actor will say the line. The only time you should use a wryly is if the manner in which the line is said is unclear or out of character or if there is some kind of short, accompanying action that could not be properly handled as a description line just before the line. The (to James and Katie) wryly just after this one is also unnecessary since the description right before it states that Megan is ushering the kids out of the room.

“Lee...I thought you was home already.” - When did we establish Tom’s redneck roots? The verb usage is incorrect unless Tom always talks like this. I notice he did it again further down the page. If this is deliberate, make sure it is consistently deliberate.

“From the kitchen, we hear stomping feet pacing up the stairs.” - Pacing? To pace is to either set a speed or to walk back and forth. If he walked up the stairs and stayed there, then he didn’t pace.

“Both laugh, as behind them a tall dark figure walks unnoticed into the incubator room.” - If this guy isn’t supernatural, this skirts the believability factor. Modern hospitals make the infant wards like prisons. No one gets in or out without clearance. The doors are securely locked, usually magnetically.

When Jack Shepard is introduced, you should say he is a janitor with his name rather than three lines later. Of course this would have more to do with his dress than anything else, since you can’t SEE he is a janitor unless he is dressed like one. You have to show it.

“The church is in the middle of the town hall, but it is made distant from the other buildings by a tall gate that surrounds the perimeter.” - Huh? It is in the middle of the town hall, but distant from other buildings? How is that possible?

By the time we get into the script, you have almost completely stopped using we see. Interesting.

The kids’ abduction is kind of wild. Go from messy to clean. Kind of a contrast from the church. So far, so good.

JACK
(takes a look
outside through
the revolving
door's glass)
I still don't see no one.

This wryly would be better done as a line of description before the dialogue. If you’re going to have more than one or two words in the wryly, you should do it as description.

“Kerry looks up at the incubator room where all the babies should be.” - Sure, she looks up at the incubator room, but we already know this is where the babies should be. This is telling, not showing. Let’s get to the incubator room first, and then see what’s there or have someone say what is supposed to be there.

“The sheriff takes a step further down from the police station entrance and relieves his shotgun.” - Relieves his shotgun? What does that mean?

“We're gonna get our kid's back.” - no apostrophe in “kids”

“You mind distinguishing that cigarette please, Mr. Beaumont.” - I think you mean “extinguishing.” Same with the reply.

WILLIS
I tried one of the cars...it
wouldn't start. A moment before
that, all the damn things had
their lights on, their horns
blowing like crazy.

--Yeah, we just endured this as well as everyone in the police station. No need to restate it. Every line must have a purpose. Why is this one here? What does it accomplish? Ask yourself this throughout the script.

“Willis is at the back of the station, in Sheriff Rileys office. He overhears.” - When did Willis go to the back office? What did he over hear? Is he talking to himself?

“They huddle inside the church.” - But they haven’t entered the church yet. How are they huddling inside it?

After they meet Father Keane in the woods, you have a montage. This would be more properly written like this:

MONTAGE

A) Deserted Kensingwood Street
B) The Deserted Hospital
C) Outside the Police Station
D) Inside the Station, Kerry sleeps on Jack’s lap. The officers remains at their desks…yadda-yadda-yadda as you have it.

END MONTAGE

“Steven Reed and Janice Reed are in an embrace.” - An embrace? It may be better said that they are in each other’s arms. An embrace implies some intimacy.

The grisly death scene of the party on Knight’s Hill. 1) I hope there was a point to it all. 2) Why did they kill everyone in almost the same way? 3) Why spare Steven to watch it all. In summary, be more imaginative with this bit, since slicing off 3 heads and crushing two more gets boring, albeit gory. Might as well remove organs or slice people at the waist or something else along with everything else.

I hope dream sequence amounts to something. Finally, somewhat interesting. Still hoping they amount to something. Finsihed the script. Never explained. Not sure what it was supposed to accomplish. I'm guessing the implication is that the devil created the world as purported in the speech by Riley?

Every awakens from the devil dream. You would not indicate in the dream they just had a dream, but just whatever reactions they are having. If they had the dream, they should tell us later.

Another montage…see above.

“Leroy comes out, joyfully and happily from the back room with a few wires around his neck.” - What are these wires? What do they do? Give us something to go on…

“They exchange words, before Father Keane and Megan and Cheryl calm the guys down.” - You wanna tell us what they said, or should the actors just say whatever they feel like at the time?

“From behind a car, something watches the store, breathing deeply, watching.” - Redundancy alert! If we simplify this sentence, it says “Someone watches, watching.”

“Refusing to abide by Kerry's pleas to sit down, Jack continues his rant.” - In the script, Kerry does not plead, nor does Jack continue his rant. Is this leftover treatment?

“Jack's comments go missed as the officers babble in talk trying to figure out what has happened.” - But in the script, they don’t babble about anything. And during this part, why is Jack being so ridiculous to Jenkins? Sure, it’s stressful, but calling him Batman and asking if wears a thong?

“Jenkins takes a look at the board, mumbling to himself before the door SLAMS shut.” - What is he mumbling to himself? Is it important? If it isn’t important enough to write down, perhaps they shouldn’t do it.

“Goblin then devours the reaming strands of Jenkins leg until it is decapitated.” - I think you mean, “amputated.” Decapitated means you lose your head; nothing else.
Posted by: George Willson, July 23rd, 2005, 7:45pm; Reply: 20
AND YET MORE SPOILERS!

“Goblin throws the sheeth of skin away, before biting into Jenkins palpitated heart.” - Palpitated should be palpitating. This is not meant as an offense, but http://www.hyperdictionary.com is a superb online dictionary. I use it when the word evades me.

“The list continues to scroll as everyone looks on in shock and surprise.” - You did a lot of research into various Satanic names, although you left out Satan. Does the text repeat or just scroll out as written?

LEROY
(smirking)
You believe in that crap, Father?

So no one seems to have any reaction to someone asking a priest if he believes one of the basic facets of his own religion? Odd, really. Not even an eye roll.

As I’m reading through here, there are a lot of establishing shots of the current state of affairs. It’s deserted. The windows boarded. However, these are things we already know about and there is no need to establish it. Just keep the story moving. The deserted morning was a good establishing, but after that, they’ve all been kind of pointless.

Another problem at this point is that very little is happening. I am not sure who the main protagonist is, but I’m guessing Tom. He knows he has to defeat whoever has the children, but maybe 2/3 through (guessing based on position of scrollbar; I’m at the establishing shots of the windows boarded up ending with Halloween superimposed), we still don’t know anything about who that is or where to go to do it. The story is beginning to lag a little. Let’s see if it picks up.

In the hardware store after they’ve been drugged or whatever, the police station sequence answered a lot about this. Repeating any of it for the sake of these characters is redundant for the audience. Better to start the scene after they are awake and they have figured it out.

“(The black robed figures are the CULT that was in the opening scenes. They will now be know as the CULT.)” - We haven’t learned anything to establish the black robed figures as a Cult any more than we’ve already learned. You would either refer to them consistently throughout the story as the Cult or continue to refer top them as Black Robed Figures until something else comes to light. Very little has at this point.

“We preyed to the lord.” - Preyed should be prayed.

“Leroy is barely on his feet the time the figure slumbers into the station.” - I believe he would “lumber” into the station.

“I have a bad feeling about this.” - Thank you, Mr. Lucas...

“Raising the cross high as he can to the Goblin, Father Keane begins to mutter some words, but his shock at seeing the Goblins' face stuns him.” - What words is he muttering?

You have description of children handcuffed to “the” metal bar twice. However, there is no description of this metal bar. Is it on the floor, the ceiling, the wall? How is it attached to prevent escape?

“The members that manage to run for their lives, seem to freeze in their position.” - Huh? So did they run or are they frozen? This needs to be clearer.

And a POV in the case of Father Keane looking out the window is not a proper heading, but more of a camera scene change. You describe several things that occur.

“From nowhere, the empty handcuffs next to Tom and Megan begin to fill with people, transported.” - What empty handcuffs? The last description we have of this is “Tom and Megan are handcuffed to the metal bar, both opposite each other and next to a seemingly eternal long row of children.” Where do these empty handcuffs come in?

I always dislike the “bad guy wins” stories.

Overall, I think the story started out pretty clever and had some good moments. After it got going and you had all of your characters introduced and doing something, it slowed down. Both groups got trapped at the same time in their buildings. Both groups went up to the hill. There was a lot of brutal killings for reasons made partially known at the end, but were all the deaths this brutal? At the end, Father Keane tells them they have to go to the hill. Um, why didn’t he say this earlier? Characters should not have knowledge of the end unless they are going to act on it. Keane should be as clueless as everyone else, or once they meet him, they should act on their knowledge. The group gained nothing from being in that store except the convenience of getting locked in. It would be far more clever to have them seek out the hill early, learn its secrets, and then run into trouble. Might help the slowness and redundancy that seems to settle over the middle.

Why do I dislike the “bad guy wins” stories? No realization. In basic writing of a movie, the final plot point is supposed to be the “theme” of the entire movie and answer the question put forth blatantly at the end of the Wizard of Oz, “What did you learn, Dorothy?” or as stated is Star Trek: The Next Generation’s early seasons, “You see, Wesley...”

When we leave the theatre, regardless of the ending, we need to have gotten something out of the film. If the good guy doesn’t win, we have to have a realization as to why. “War of the Roses” doesn’t have a sunny ending, but it has a realization. The stage version of “Little Shop of Horrors” has a down ending (everyone dies), but it has a realization. As you have the script now, there is no realization from anyone. They blunder through the script and reach the ending and it ends. We are left wanting to have gotten something out of reading or watching this, but we have nothing.

When it comes to the act breakdowns, your first act was decent. It set up all the major characters for the most part. It had their weaknesses and gave them something to learn as we move through the film, which is important. Tom and Megan, for example, were two people when we started, but the incident showed them (thinly) that they need each other.

The big event was definitely catastrophic and pretty well executed. All the children are gone! It affected everyone in a big way.

The second act killed you as many second acts tend to do. There were no reversals or new revelations within it beyond Father Keane’s involvement in something mysterious about this woodland church. Jack and Kerry don’t learn anything from being at the police station. In fact, if their scenes in act two went away all together, would the script lose anything? If the answer is no, rethink! This act needs more work than any other part besides the ending.

Somewhere, we need something to turn the story on its ear and force the main character to do something. Any main character. Does this happen? No. Father Keane says, “Everything is on Knight’s Hill; we need to go there.” They didn’t learn it. It wasn’t a big decision. Mr. Mysterious just comes out with it, making us wonder, “Why didn’t they just do that to start with?” If there is a reason, you need to be out with it. There isn’t even a low point there. Our police station buddies get dragged to the hill ahead of the other guys. Have the information revealed and then have an option to go for help and force the choice. Whoever the hero is, make him choose the only possible choice.

So we go into the third act where the cultists are dancing around the bungalow while killing off more main characters grotesquely. Why? We are told “It is their time to go.” Ok. We finally learn the entire ghastly plan a told by the local sheriff. Ok. Father Keane defeats the demons by drawing a right-side up pentagram (?) on the floor. Ok, you set it up well enough, we can go with it. They set the cultist on fire. Huh? That’s a little weird, since no one else has gone all John Carpenter on us so far, but ok. The cultist sets his fellows on fire causing Riley to laugh that he’s won and we all choke on the smoke.

First, I feel like the mystery might be drawn out too long. It might be nice to know some of this ghastly plan ahead of time. Maybe Mr. Mysterious Father Keane knows something. Would it be so bad if the good guys win?

Answer this question before your movie ends and justify your ending. What are you trying to say with this film? If it’s everyone is evil and deserves to die, no one will buy it, because it sounds like a raving lunatic. That line is always followed with, but there is still good in the world. Sometimes you just have to look for it. When you end the movie as drastically as you did, you have to justify that ending. When you kill off someone, you have to justify their death. If you have no justification or reasoning for what occurs, then you need to find it.

I think you have some potential in this, but it needs a lot of work.
Posted by: Scoob, July 23rd, 2005, 11:41pm; Reply: 21
Holy cow!

Thanks for the review George, I really appreciate you taking the time to do so.
I will reply to the points youve made tomorrow but having read just a little I can say you will have helped me loads with this.

Cheers :)
Posted by: Scoob, July 24th, 2005, 10:18pm; Reply: 22
Thanks George for your great review, it is very helpful to me and I will be working on the points you made. Very much appreciated!


The we’s and us’s are annoying. It’s like you’re sitting there explaining your story instead of telling it. Drop every single “we see” and applicable derivatives and it will improve considerably. I will be making changes to this in my next draft. Didnt realise I put this in so much at the start but looking over it again, it apparently is! Changes to be made!

Generally, check your “you’re” vs. “your”. You have a large tendency to mix these up throughout. Same thing goes for "there", "their", and "they're".
This is something I will have to keep an eye on. I will be working on this also on the next draft.

“He wears a necklace which bares the "SOWEN" symbol.” - bares should be bears. You may also wish to describe this symbol.
I have sorted this out now, cheers. Also added a small description for the symbol.

“Tom and Megan exchange quick glances, no words said as Tom walks into the kitchen.” - If there is no dialogue, there are clearly no words making the description kinda redundant.Good point, thanks for pointing this out and it has now been sorted.

Review your wrylies. Like this one (questionably), many are completely unnecessary. I will go through these and see what is needed and what is not. The two you pointed out i agree with and Im sure there are more that I will have to change. The good thing about paranethicals or wrylies, for me, is they help further to desribe how the character is saying the line. It might be obvious, but there are more then a few ways of saying something. I just feel the more description given, the clearer the idea comes across.

“Lee...I thought you was home already.” - When did we establish Tom’s redneck roots? The verb usage is incorrect unless Tom always talks like this. I notice he did it again further down the page. If this is deliberate, make sure it is consistently deliberate. /“From the kitchen, we hear stomping feet pacing up the stairs.” - Pacing? To pace is to either set a speed or to walk back and forth. If he walked up the stairs and stayed there, then he didn’t pace.
Nope, hes not a redneck! I have changed this, thanks for pointing this out. Also changed the stomping/pacing segment. Thanks for the eagle eye, George, you are helping me sort this out big time.
“Both laugh, as behind them a tall dark figure walks unnoticed into the incubator room.” - If this guy isn’t supernatural, this skirts the believability factor. Modern hospitals make the infant wards like prisons. No one gets in or out without clearance. The doors are securely locked, usually magnetically.The guy/thing is supernatural. A moment that you would definitly ask the question you asked but would not know until the story unfolds. Plus, of course, this is a horror film and considering there are three demons involved, reality is somewhat turned on its head a little.
When Jack Shepard is introduced, you should say he is a janitor with his name rather than three lines later. Of course this would have more to do with his dress than anything else, since you can’t SEE he is a janitor unless he is dressed like one. You have to show it.Sorted.
“The church is in the middle of the town hall, but it is made distant from the other buildings by a tall gate that surrounds the perimeter.” - Huh? It is in the middle of the town hall, but distant from other buildings? How is that possible?Heh, thanks for pointing this out George, what a mistake! I completely put the wrong description in here and have now corrected this.  
JACK
(takes a look
outside through
the revolving
door's glass)
I still don't see no one.

This wryly would be better done as a line of description before the dialogue. If you’re going to have more than one or two words in the wryly, you should do it as description
.
This is very useful to know and will keep this in mind in any future writing I do. I have now corrected this.
“The sheriff takes a step further down from the police station entrance and relieves his shotgun.” - Relieves his shotgun? What does that mean?There is probably a hundred words I could have used better instead of the one I chose. Have now re-worded this. He basically has "relaxed his grip".  Sounds worse dosnt it? The sheriff and his shotgun...I dont want to get into it lol
WILLIS
I tried one of the cars...it
wouldn't start. A moment before
that, all the d*rn things had
their lights on, their horns
blowing like crazy.

--Yeah, we just endured this as well as everyone in the police station. No need to restate it. Every line must have a purpose. Why is this one here? What does it accomplish? Ask yourself this throughout the script
This dialouge has now been altered.
“Willis is at the back of the station, in Sheriff Rileys office. He overhears.” - When did Willis go to the back office? What did he over hear? Is he talking to himself?This was down to bad writing again im afraid. Have now corrected this. I should have put the fact Willis went into the back office a few lines above when he was checking the station but I didnt put enough detail into where he went or who he spoke to. This has now been corrected.
They huddle inside the church.” - But they haven’t entered the church yet. How are they huddling inside it?Wrong word, and a mistake I have now corrected by basically deleting it. It was not needed as the next line explains them going inside anyway.
After they meet Father Keane in the woods, you have a montage. This would be more properly written like this:

MONTAGE

A) Deserted Kensingwood Street
B) The Deserted Hospital
C) Outside the Police Station
D) Inside the Station, Kerry sleeps on Jack’s lap. The officers remains at their desks…yadda-yadda-yadda as you have it.

END MONTAGE
Thank you for explaining to me how to do a montage. This will now be altered in that way as will most of the numerous other montages I have in this story. Appreciated! (Is there a way you can do this using a format on Final draft 6? )
“Steven Reed and Janice Reed are in an embrace.” - An embrace? It may be better said that they are in each other’s arms. An embrace implies some intimacy.Yep, have now changed this also.
The grisly death scene of the party on Knight’s Hill. 1) I hope there was a point to it all. 2) Why did they kill everyone in almost the same way? 3) Why spare Steven to watch it all. In summary, be more imaginative with this bit, since slicing off 3 heads and crushing two more gets boring, albeit gory. Might as well remove organs or slice people at the waist or something else along with everything else.1> Up until this scene, no one had been murdered, and this was a chance to show the three demons were the "bad guys". Plus this is a horror story. A bit of gore and violence had to come into it and this was to build up that there was something evil, doing something evil. To show what Skull and the Witch were capable of doing. 2> The reason the murders are similar is  the method of killing becomes that killers trait. It was not meant to be a gore fest for the sake of gore. We can see the Witch is the one giving the instructions and Skull is the one doing the act. 3) It is torture to allow Steven to watch it happen, thats the whole point of him being tied up and not being able to do anything about it. He was not spared at all, in fact he suffered the most.
I hope dream sequence amounts to something. Finally, somewhat interesting. Still hoping they amount to something. Finsihed the script. Never explained. Not sure what it was supposed to accomplish. I'm guessing the implication is that the devil created the world as purported in the speech by Riley?Your guess would be correct. (you're?)
Every awakens from the devil dream. You would not indicate in the dream they just had a dream, but just whatever reactions they are having. If they had the dream, they should tell us later.Good point, and I did have the intention of fitting this in but I just could not find the space. I will be looking at this and placing this in, this being  pretty much a key point. . The segments i cut will be reworked on and I will place them in.
“Leroy comes out, joyfully and happily from the back room with a few wires around his neck.” - What are these wires? What do they do? Give us something to go on…Have now altered this.
“They exchange words, before Father Keane and Megan and Cheryl calm the guys down.” - You wanna tell us what they said, or should the actors just say whatever they feel like at the time?I have now corrected this too. Basically, added some dialouge to the scene!




Posted by: Scoob, July 24th, 2005, 10:22pm; Reply: 23
“From behind a car, something watches the store, breathing deeply, watching.” - Redundancy alert! If we simplify this sentence, it says “Someone watches, watching.”
lol. I cant believe I wrote that, but I did. Corrected.
Refusing to abide by Kerry's pleas to sit down, Jack continues his rant.” - In the script, Kerry does not plead, nor does Jack continue his rant. Is this leftover treatment?This should not have been left in there to be honest now I have read over this again. It has now been removed and replaced.
“Jack's comments go missed as the officers babble in talk trying to figure out what has happened.” - But in the script, they don’t babble about anything. And during this part, why is Jack being so ridiculous to Jenkins? Sure, it’s stressful, but calling him Batman and asking if wears a thong?I will fix the babble talk thing. As for Jack, he's cracking and is taking his stress out in the only way he can which to him is humour. Might not be funny to anyone else but its what keeps him going. Thats who the guy is. He started on Willis the moment before, now Jenkins. But sure, its not needed and probably does not help the storyline in anyway. I will keep it in for the next draft, but it may be removed for the final draft when I might make some more cuts.
“Jenkins takes a look at the board, mumbling to himself before the door SLAMS shut.” - What is he mumbling to himself? Is it important? If it isn’t important enough to write down, perhaps they shouldn’t do it.Another good point. Another cut.
Goblin then devours the reaming strands of Jenkins leg until it is decapitated.” - I think you mean, “amputated.” Decapitated means you lose your head; nothing else.
Thanks George. Thats the word I was looking for!

I will finish this shortly, thanks a lot for the review it is helping me a lot.
Posted by: George Willson, July 24th, 2005, 11:02pm; Reply: 24
I'm glad it is helping. My strength is telling a story. I'm a little weak in the dialogue area, but I do all right on my own and I can tell you the principles. The comments I made throughout are a drop in the bucket to the stuff I wrote at the end.

There, it becomes far more subjective and will require more work to figure out if I'm right or just a loony. You are well within your rights to call me a loony on anything I've written, of course. After all, these are my opinions.

On some of the comments I made (like the redneck vocabulary) I caught it the first time and ignored it the rest of the way. There is incorrect verbiage in multiple places throughout the dialogue.

When it comes to the dream, I made the relation to the speech at the end only after I had finished everything and was pondering it. The link should be made clearer eithre immediately after the dream or when the speech is given so the audience can link the two together immediately. It's clever, but clever without understanding means that some of the cleverness is lost.

As for making Final Draft do Montages, I haven't a clue. I don't use Final Draft or any other program to format. I turn off all the auto-functions in Word and do it manually, so I know it is done correctly. As much of a techie as I can be sometimes, I dislike programs that think for me. I program web sites in notepad using raw html instead of getting a program to do it for me. Screenplay formatting is about the same thing. I know how to do it, and don't trust a program to do it for me. Now, if you enter a montage, Final Draft might catch it and do it right, but I don't know.

If anything I've written up there is unclear in any way, feel free to ask.
Posted by: Scoob, July 26th, 2005, 9:01pm; Reply: 25
Hi George,

Here is the remainder of my reply to your very helpful review.

“Goblin throws the sheeth of skin away, before biting into Jenkins palpitated heart.” - Palpitated should be palpitating. This is not meant as an offense, but <http://www.hyperdictionary.com> is a superb online dictionary. I use it when the word evades me.Thanks for the link, it will come in handy im sure.
The list continues to scroll as everyone looks on in shock and surprise.” - You did a lot of research into various Satanic names, although you left out Satan. Does the text repeat or just scroll out as written?I left out Satan as he is obviously the Devil. The names listed are the many demons and servants of the devil. The text is as I put it, the shot would have finished before we can see what is on the computer screen next. Perhaps it continued with the names, its upto the reader/viewer really.
LEROY
(smirking)
You believe in that cr**, Father?

So no one seems to have any reaction to someone asking a priest if he believes one of the basic facets of his own religion? Odd, really. Not even an eye roll.
Leroy is the basic asshole of the story, I dont think anyone is surprised at what he comes out with. It is showing his lack of intelligence he even asked that question!
As I’m reading through here, there are a lot of establishing shots of the current state of affairs. It’s deserted. The windows boarded. However, these are things we already know about and there is no need to establish it. Just keep the story moving. The deserted morning was a good establishing, but after that, they’ve all been kind of pointless.It is to establish the atmosphere, but mostly the time issue. Time has moved on a good few hours since the last event. In order to show this, the best way is to slow things down. What we are shown here is the sky turning darker, the town as it heads into evening. Otherwise, the whole thing would not work at all. That is the point in doing it.
In the hardware store after they’ve been drugged or whatever, the police station sequence answered a lot about this. Repeating any of it for the sake of these characters is redundant for the audience. Better to start the scene after they are awake and they have figured it out.
The scene where we pick up in the hardware store does begin where they are awake and have realised they have been gassed. There is a couple of mentions concerning the gassing, but if they didnt mention it, then maybe the audience would not realise they were also gassed. It does not go on for long, probably two or three mentions.
“(The black robed figures are the CULT that was in the opening scenes. They will now be know as the CULT.)” - We haven’t learned anything to establish the black robed figures as a Cult any more than we’ve already learned. You would either refer to them consistently throughout the story as the Cult or continue to refer top them as Black Robed Figures until something else comes to light. Very little has at this point.I was slightly worried readers would not realise the cult and the black robed figures were the same so I put that line in there, although it is quite obvious who they are. So I have removed the sentence.
“We preyed to the lord.” - Preyed should be prayed.  Thanks for spotting this, have now corrected it.

“Leroy is barely on his feet the time the figure slumbers into the station.” - I believe he would “lumber” into the station. This has now also been corrected.

“I have a bad feeling about this.” - Thank you, Mr. Lucas... Not quite sure what you meant with this comment. Sounds slightly sacrastic...:)
“Raising the cross high as he can to the Goblin, Father Keane begins to mutter some words, but his shock at seeing the Goblins' face stuns him.” - What words is he muttering?I guess it would help if I actually wrote what words he said wouldnt it? Bad writing. I have now sorted this out. I have a feeling I have written like this a few times on this script so I will go over it again and edit it for my next draft.
You have description of children handcuffed to “the” metal bar twice. However, there is no description of this metal bar. Is it on the floor, the ceiling, the wall? How is it attached to prevent escape?As we enter the tunnel, the description mentions the metal bar at the bottom and that it has handcuffs attached all the way along. This is before we even see any children. I think you may have missed this bit, but it could be down to my writing not being clear enough in which case I have now re written it to be a lot more informal.
“The members that manage to run for their lives, seem to freeze in their position.” - Huh? So did they run or are they frozen? This needs to be clearer.
Yes, I have now corrected this also.
And a POV in the case of Father Keane looking out the window is not a proper heading, but more of a camera scene change. You describe several things that occur.
I have now changed this to its proper scene heading instead of being a POV shot.  It's weird that I dont notice these things when I read through them but only when someone else points it out and then the error stands out clear as day. Thanks for bringing these points to my attention.
“From nowhere, the empty handcuffs next to Tom and Megan begin to fill with people, transported.” - What empty handcuffs? The last description we have of this is “Tom and Megan are handcuffed to the metal bar, both opposite each other and next to a seemingly eternal long row of children.” Where do these empty handcuffs come in?The description before in the tunnel describes them being lead down further into the tunnel until they arrive at an endless row of handcuffed children. That scene just before that  describes that all along the tunnel are rows of empty handcuffs.

I really appreciate you taking the time to make a review like this, George. The points you made were so helpful to me in rewriting this and will proove to be very useful in any future writing I do from now on.
On the points you made, I have now corrected and I will go through the draft again to make some more corrections that have come to light.
Thank you for a brilliant and very helpful review.
I will be making another post shortly to reply to the seperate comments you made.
Posted by: George Willson, July 26th, 2005, 11:00pm; Reply: 26
Sorry. On the "Thank you, Mr. Lucas" comment, Every Star Wars films contains the line "I have a bad feeling about this." Yes, it was sarcastic, but I couldn't help myself.   8)
Posted by: Scoob, July 27th, 2005, 12:28am; Reply: 27
Ahhh.

Cheers for clearing that up!

In that case, I dont blame you at all!

I might make Darth Vadar grab the demons underground when i get to part 8. :)

Posted by: Scoob, July 27th, 2005, 2:27am; Reply: 28
Hi George,
Thank you again for your review and here are some of the further responces to the great review you have posted.

I always dislike the “bad guy wins” stories.
I tend to like that the bad guy wins on certain films. If I went to see Wizard Of Oz and the witch won I would feel I have a right to be disapointed as Im not getting what I wanted to see.. If im going to see a horror movie, I would want to be somewhat horrified.  Sure, its great to have a good feeling to come out of a cinema or even at home watching a movie and feel good about the fact that goodness has won the day. If thats how people want to feel at the end of a film, then stick to that genre.
This is a horror story and it has a pretty horrific ending.  Not that all horror films have to have an ending like that, but you know what you are getting. If you dont like it, dont see it.

Overall, I think the story started out pretty clever and had some good moments. After it got going and you had all of your characters introduced and doing something, it slowed down. Both groups got trapped at the same time in their buildings. Both groups went up to the hill. There was a lot of brutal killings for reasons made partially known at the end, but were all the deaths this brutal?
I agree, the story seems to lapse at the midway point when maybe it should have been moving up a gear or two. I am going to be working on this.
At the end, Father Keane tells them they have to go to the hill. Um, why didn’t he say this earlier? Characters should not have knowledge of the end unless they are going to act on it. Keane should be as clueless as everyone else, or once they meet him, they should act on their knowledge. The group gained nothing from being in that store except the convenience of getting locked in. It would be far more clever to have them seek out the hill early, learn its secrets, and then run into trouble. Might help the slowness and redundancy that seems to settle over the middleThe comment Father Keane made was after he spotted the rest of the Cult members going in that direction. He had no previous knowledge whatsoever.  
To get them to the hill too early would be pointless as the ritual would not even be happening at that point. There is no reason for them to go up there until Father Keane notices the cult members going in that direction.
If they did in some other way find out about what was happening earlier, then it would make a completly different story. Sure, it would speed the pace up. But this is not meant to be a fast paced horror at all.  It is more of a mystery-thriller-horror. It is slow which some people will not like about it, but that is the pace I wanted to set with this and I beleive it would work surprisingly well.
If the story becomes boring in this part, then it is down to me to make it improved which I am going to work on.
Why do I dislike the “bad guy wins” stories? No realization. In basic writing of a movie, the final plot point is supposed to be the “theme” of the entire movie and answer the question put forth blatantly at the end of the Wizard of Oz, “What did you learn, Dorothy?” or as stated is Star Trek: The Next Generation’s early seasons, “You see, Wesley...”I agree with you on this point.  As I answered beforehand, the "theme" of this movie is horror. The ending is one of horror. If you want to leave the cinema feeling good, go and see a film that will make you feel good. If you want to see a horror film, you should know what you are in store for. This is not the Wizard Of Oz...
When we leave the theatre, regardless of the ending, we need to have gotten something out of the film. If the good guy doesn’t win, we have to have a realization as to why. “War of the Roses” doesn’t have a sunny ending, but it has a realization. The stage version of “Little Shop of Horrors” has a down ending (everyone dies), but it has a realization. As you have the script now, there is no realization from anyone. They blunder through the script and reach the ending and it ends. We are left wanting to have gotten something out of reading or watching this, but we have nothing.

This is a really good point, George and although you seem to think I have nothing to show in this, I think the complete opposite. The people are not superhuman and they dont do stupid things like separate and get slaughtered off one by one. They stick together. They do what they can. How much more real can they possibly be? Dialouge, yes. Something I need to work on. But what would you have done in the sitution?   So, no I dont think they "blunder" through anything. They deal with the situation as well as can be. As for what you are talking about realization in an ending,  well, what did you get out of this? This is basic horror. It is a warning about evil. No matter where you are, how old you are, or who you are, there is evil around and the more people that realize that then the better. Evil exists. So if anything, this should make people appreciate the little things they have in  life. Life does not always end up with a happy ending, and neither does this script.
The second act killed you as many second acts tend to do. There were no reversals or new revelations within it beyond Father Keane’s involvement in something mysterious about this woodland church. Jack and Kerry don’t learn anything from being at the police station. In fact, if their scenes in act two went away all together, would the script lose anything? If the answer is no, rethink! This act needs more work than any other part besides the ending.I agree the second act could be improved and Im going to work on this. I will be cutting a few scenes and this is where I will probably introduce the cut dream scene that I removed. I will be looking at the whole act as Andy, Bert and yourself seem to think this part sucks :)
Posted by: Scoob, July 27th, 2005, 2:33am; Reply: 29
CONT

SPOILERS!



Somewhere, we need something to turn the story on its ear and force the main character to do something. Any main character. Does this happen? No. Father Keane says, “Everything is on Knight’s Hill; we need to go there.” They didn’t learn it. It wasn’t a big decision. Mr. Mysterious just comes out with it, making us wonder, “Why didn’t they just do that to start with?” If there is a reason, you need to be out with it. There isn’t even a low point there. Our police station buddies get dragged to the hill ahead of the other guys. Have the information revealed and then have an option to go for help and force the choice. Whoever the hero is, make him choose the only possible choice.Ok, I take your point that I need to flesh out the main character out a bit more. What I wanted to do was something different, make every character be the MAIN character. Tom is the main character but his dialouge lets him down. I will work on this.
Father Keane does not say "Everything is on Knights Hill" until he has seen the Cultists moving in that direction and Megan and himself figure it out. So this was either misread or misunderstood by yourself.  You seem to have not read this section or completly missed it. The police station officer, Jack and Kerry are forced that way before Father Keane, Tom and Megan are. Thats why they follow them there!
So we go into the third act where the cultists are dancing around the bungalow while killing off more main characters grotesquely. Why? We are told “It is their time to go.” Ok.I dont think I need to explain this surely. The fact that there is no reason for the murders is horryfying enough. The point is there is no point.
We finally learn the entire ghastly plan a told by the local sheriff. Ok. Father Keane defeats the demons by drawing a right-side up pentagram (?) on the floor.A right-side up pentagram represents God.
Ok, you set it up well enogh, we can go with it. They set the cultist on fire. Huh? That’s a little weird, since no one else has gone all John Carpenter on us so far, but ok. The cultist sets his fellows on fire causing Riley to laugh that he’s won and we all choke on the smoke.I dont get the John Carpenter bit?
Father Keane sets one of the Cultists on fire. Whats wrong with that?  
Not sure I understand what you mean here. Whats weird?
First, I feel like the mystery might be drawn out too long. It might be nice to know some of this ghastly plan ahead of time. Maybe Mr. Mysterious Father Keane knows something. Would it be so bad if the good guys win? You may be right, and perhaps I do drag the story on too long. I will be working on things during some rewrites and I will post my next draft up here shortly. It would be bad if the good guys win, the moral of the story would not exist.
Answer this question before your movie ends and justify your ending. What are you trying to say with this film? This is a fantastic question and should be asked to all people that have written horror scripts or any kind of script for that matter, and it probably is. This is what I asked myself before I even began writing this, what am I trying to do here?
The answer was to scare people, to make something original and different but to keep it simple. Horror is a universal language and really needs no language to explain what it is. If I explain this story, the whole thing is over with. It is done and dusted, over and out.
As I said before, no one needs to justify an ending just to make sure people go home feeling comfortable and happy in themselves. If that is what they want to feel, then they will not be the people I want to go and see or read my material. They should know what they are in store for, they are going to see a horror film. They want to be horrified.
If there is something to say in the script it is that evil does exist, all children need to know and be aware of it, the world is not all great and it can be bad, dark and dangerous.
If it’s everyone is evil and deserves to die, no one will buy it, because it sounds like a raving lunatic. That line is always followed with, but there is still good in the world. Sometimes you just have to look for it. When you end the movie as drastically as you did, you have to justify that ending. When you kill off someone, you have to justify their death. If you have no justification or reasoning for what occurs, then you need to find it.This was part of the last question but I split it up to answer it more easily. I think I have explained my reasons on the above text.  The thing is, it is how you percieve it and how you see it as to how it ends.  The thing you said about everyone being evil and they all deserve it is nothing to do with it, it is nothing like that. It is just simple. There does not need to be answers all of the time, there is not reason behind madness. You do not have to justify anything. Can you justify life?
I think you have some potential in this, but it needs a lot of work.
Thanks so much for your help with this George, the review you gave me was brilliant and made me think about a lot of things to do with my writing. I have already made some changes and have a lot to do now.
I agree with you on most things and I will be making some changes to the script.
Thank you for the review, I really appreciate it.

Cheers!!!!

Posted by: George Willson, July 27th, 2005, 8:26am; Reply: 30
When it comes to a final justification, I think Riley could probably give it before everyone is toasted. Given how it ends, he would be perfect for it. In fact, once it sinks into Tom, our hero, he could agree with it to the shock of the audience and everyone dies knowing they're toasted.

I'm not in any way saying we have to leave the theatre feeling bright and sunny, but we have to leave having understood that the characters got something out of it. I think with this sort of ending, we should get the idea that either A) no matter what they did, they were never going to win or B) if they had taken a different path, they would have won. Don't misunderstand a realization with a feel-good ending.

Does that make more sense?

As for missing the cultists going up to Knight's Hill, maybe I did. However, I think Tom should make the decision to go and Father Keane just agree with it. The main character needs to lead the story.

Other explanations: My little paragraph from "So we go..." to "...we all choke on the smoke" was just my own recap. No commentary there, really. John Carpenter? I dunno. For some reason I always relate him to setting people on fire...
Posted by: George Willson, July 27th, 2005, 11:25am; Reply: 31
POSSIBLE SPOILERS!

I did some thinking on your ending. I tried to figure out how to give the audience some satisfaction and still have the bad guys win. I think a big part has to do with identifying the villain. If Riley is the "villain" who appears to be in control of the demons, this may work. I did say "appears to be in control" and not actually control. Make the deal out to be like Riley summoned the demons and they are under his control, so when the good guys get down to the end, it appears that they win by killing him. This would be their goal; what they work towards during the script. They know that he evil was summoned by someone and they believe by killing that someone, the summoning will fizzle since the life force of that person maintains the summoning. Is this true? Hell no. The demons are there on their own terms and it doesn't matter what happens to Riley, the summoner. When does our hero learn this? When Riley informs them of it right before they all bite the dust. They meet their goal, but it was the wrong goal.

Another point: I don't believe the good guys should start the fire. When Riley sees his situation is hopeless, I believe it would be more appropriate for him to set his own people on fire, rather than the good guys foiling their own plans by unconventionally setting someone on fire, which in retrospect, just seems like a move to start the fire rolling and somewhat out of character. It would make  lot more sense to stab someone and have them fall to the ground than set their clothes on fire in an enclosed space and risk them running around like a headless chicken.

Keep your horrific ending, but let the good guys reach their goal, even though it didn't actually let them win. For reference, I have a really crappy movie: Halloween III. Why? The goal was to destroy the toy factory and beat the bad guy, which they did. Then he has to stop the evil commercial. He gets two out of three networks, but the last one doesn't stop the commercial, so they lose. We get a sense of accomplishment because they did beat the bad guy, but since his plans were already in motion, the situation was unstoppable. I feel like you have a similar situation here. They have a goal in their minds to accomplish, and they do that. But the wheels are already turning and three's no stopping the final outcome.

Did that make sense?
Posted by: Scoob, July 28th, 2005, 2:10pm; Reply: 32
Hi George,

SPOLIERS





I like the idea of making Riley's identity as the cult leader a little earlier.
This could help replace the segments in the second act where things get a little stale and give it a boost.
I will be looking to add this in, thanks for your thoughts on this.

Regarding the ending, the fire should have been explained a lot better I guess. Father Keane lighting one of the members was a bit of a cheap way out probably. His intention was not for the whole tunnel to go up in flames as he  didnt expect the guy in flames to drop and set the rest on fire.

It would make  lot more sense to stab someone and have them fall to the ground than set their clothes on fire in an enclosed space and risk them running around like a headless chicken. This was the idea but I guess my explanation of it was not as good as it should have been.

I also agree with your third point. As it is at the moment, you are right in saying that there is no feeling of any kind of accomplishment by the good guys. I tried to do what you have stated, but it obviously does not come across well. I think the introduction of Riley earlier into act 2 will help this, and help the hero characters grow as well.

Thanks for your help on this George, you have given me some things to think about and I will be working on these shortly.




Posted by: Scoob, August 2nd, 2005, 11:06pm; Reply: 33
I have submitted another draft of this, although this version mainly clears up a few things such as taking out pointless "we see"s.

A few dialouge scenes have been altered and some other things but nothing drastic so far.

The draft I am now working on is improving the whole script in general and I have cut some scenes to shorten parts and I have added one new scene so far.


Posted by: Scoob, August 8th, 2005, 12:38am; Reply: 34
Another draft has been placed up, so thanks Don for posting it.
This is more to change some of the spelling mistakes and take out the numerous "we see"s that I had in my first draft.

The draft Im working on now has altered a fair bit of the dialouge, altered a couple of scenes, and I have added a couple of bits here and there. The dream sequence is more involved, and there is an extra scene with Riley. I will be changing a few other things also.

The ending will also be altered.

Posted by: Scoob, August 9th, 2005, 7:54pm; Reply: 35
I have just submitted the "Final" draft to Don so hopefully, it will be up on here soon.

I have changed some of the dialouge, and basically cleaned up the script to run more smoothly.

I have made a few cuts, mainly to the woodland search scene to speed things up a little.

There is an added scene with Riley and the dream sequence is explained more.

The ending has been changed and extended. It now has a completly different ending that I feel is more suitable.

I'll drop a post when it's up.

Cheers.
Posted by: Scoob, August 16th, 2005, 1:18pm; Reply: 36
Thanks Don for posting the latest draft of this.

The font I used for this draft was set to 12 on final draft, which means the script goes on for a lenghty 149 pages.
If I use font 10, it comes out as 123 pages which I guess is not too bad. Is this acceptable? Im not quite sure.

Anyhow, this is the final draft...so far lol

Hope you enjoy the new ending.

Cheers for everyone that has read this script and posted, your comments were VERY helpful and I really appreciate it.











Posted by: sfpunk, February 5th, 2006, 9:18pm; Reply: 37
you have to use size 12 font... i dont think its acceptable to use anything else... you might want to trim it down
Posted by: FilmMaker06, February 5th, 2006, 9:43pm; Reply: 38
I was looking everywhere for this script! I've been wanting to read this before he comes out with the sequel, that way I can review both of them as soon as it comes out!
I'm glad you brought it back. Thanks! *Bows*

-Me
Posted by: Scoob, March 29th, 2006, 12:56am; Reply: 39

Just went through this again and I cant believe I answered every question line for line!

Have to thank Geroge for being a great help though, that guy deseves an oscar just fo tolerating me alone!

Top man,
Posted by: 9bar, April 3rd, 2006, 10:30am; Reply: 40
hi
Posted by: 9bar, April 3rd, 2006, 10:31am; Reply: 41
Just finished reading it must say i could not stop i really enjoyed it you are a really tallented writer i wish i read one of your scripts before.

im glad leroy got wat was coming to him in the end i thought it was funny how you made him a right bastard.

had to think at the end seeing as kerry and the priest survived i guess they would have had to mate for the sake of mankind.
she was luky it wasnt leroy cause the world would end up beeing full of bastards.

overall i give it a rating of 10/10 because i could not stop reading it nice one mate
Posted by: Scoob, April 3rd, 2006, 11:45pm; Reply: 42
Cheers Eaze,
Thanks for taking the time to read it, appreciated mate.
Posted by: chism, April 17th, 2006, 8:25pm; Reply: 43
Okay Scoob, I'm gonna start reviewing the script now so hopefully it should be up in a couple of hours.


Cheers, Chism.
Posted by: chism, April 17th, 2006, 9:26pm; Reply: 44
Okay Scoob, here we go with Season of the Devl. Sorry for both the delayed read and review, but you posted on here not long ago and I know I always go back and check up on my old threads every once in a while, so there's a good chance that you'll read this. Before I start, I would like to mention that as usual I will be reviewing as I read so that I can comment on individual scenes and moments as they appear. This review will be long, but I promise it will be thorough. Let's get busy...


The opening scene with looking up into the sky and then shooting across the universe to this hell planet was very well described. You have written very simply here, but it does invoke the imagination quite a bit and it's very easy to picture what you had in mind for it. The ensuing scene with the monks and the introduction of the SOWEN symbol is also very tightly written. This whole sequence has the feel of a writer who's planning on directing, since there are such specifications with camera angles/movements. Is that true? Would you like to direct your own scripts one day?

That poor, poor lamb. The arrival on Eartrh scene is rather brutal, don't you think? It is perhaps a little too brutal or my tastes and I would have opened the scene with them having already killed the lamb rather than having them kill it on screen. Audiences are strangely sensitive to animal death and violence in movies, but we can kill as many people as we like and nobody particularly cares. Animals are different. I do like the idea of the scene though, very dark with the oujia board and the robes and evil prayers about words and blood. It's all very creepy, very gothic.

The introduction of the Phillips family is a very well written scene. You really capture that sense of excitement when the children see their father coming home from work. I remember being that excited about my father coming home and the kids's reactions feel very genuine. You also have a lot of very clever, very easy character development without making it feel force, with Tom remembering to get his beer, but forgetting the thing that would make his children happy. Also, you are setting up Megan's distaste and impatience for the situation that he is in. I think the scene really encapsulates the life of a suburban family very well. You also really captured the antagonism between a teenage boy and his father where Lee comes home late. Now I'm asuming that Lee was one of the kids who sacrificed the lamb, but I could be wrong. That's just the vibe I'm getting here. Moving on.

I'm not quite sure what you were trying to do with the following scene between Kerry, Sarah and Miss Hagins. They're talking about how late Kerry was and that they're gonna fire her if it happens again, then suddenly she's going to get someone's cell phone from their car? I understand it was important to get Kerry into the parking lot so she can meet up with Jack, but I'm just not sure what you were going for here. The scene doesn't have that same pizzaz of the opening scene with Tom and the Phillips family. And then it turns out that Miss Hagins doesn't actually hate her at all. So why give Kerry a hard time? Because she's the new girl? That's a pretty immature way for a fully grown woman to think and I'm just not sure what you were aiming for when you wrote this scene.

Is Shepherd the last name of the doctor on Lost? It doesn't really matter if it is, I'm just curious because I think that it might be.  This is another nice little scene with some snappy dialogue and a few character moments setting Jack up as a joker and possibly a love interest? Hmmmmm? Every great story has a great romance. Look at Gone with the Wind or Casablanca. Either way it goes, it's a pretty nice scene, very quiet, which I would assume is the silence before the storm, but I could be very wrong, one of the pitfalls of reading/reviewing at the same time I suppose.

The next scene I'm going to talkabout is the one in which the kids are taken. I understand what you were trying to do and what was intended of the scene. It is the moment in the film where things really start happening, where you kick the plot into high gear. I just don't think it comes off as well as it should, it is something that maybe should have been written a little better. The way you've described it, I think Tom is far too calm considering the circumstances and I think that Megan is severely underused:


Quoted Text
Megan ignores Tom and dashes around the house, calling the kid’s
names, asking them to come out from joking around or hiding.


The above should have been completely written, with her shouting out their names, bolting from room to room in the house. I would also have Tom be a little less together than he is, especially considering his present emotional state, having just had an argument with his wife. The scene really doesn't have the emotional impact it should have and I think maybe even a little more buildup is required.


Quoted Text
The revolving doors close behind them, the usual quiet sound
becoming now the only sound that can be heard.


What does this mean? How in the hell can revolving doors close behind them? They're revolving doors, the entire point of them is that they never close. Do you mean they stop moving? You need to clarify that coz that just ticked me right off.

One of the following scenes has Tom and Megan walking through the streets. Extend this here. There may be a longer sequence of the parents wandering around lost without their children, but here would be the perfect place to really pack an emotional punch. Have peoplew eeping the gutters, mothers screaming out in insanity, people fighting and bickering, punch-ups and other things of a like nature. I'd hate to use that word again, but this scene needs some pizzaz.

The latter scene outside the police station and the subsequent division into groups captures that sense perfectly. There is mass hysteria, which is understandable. and you have described it excellently. You've captured those who are hopeless and don't know what to do, and you've also wonderfully written those who are strong, in command and in control, so there is a nice contrast in this scene. You've really got the whole "town-united" kinda vibe going through this portion of the film and it is really well done.


Quoted Text
WILLIS (CONT’D)
If this is one big prank then they
are in for one hell of an ass
whipping...


One big prank? How could all of thise be one big prank? An entire town full of children, including an entire ward full of newborn babies, has gone missing and they're sitting around saying it's a prank? Where in the hell does that make eeven a little bit of sense? It's not realistic. I'd tweak the dialogue in this scene to make the cops feel a little bit more sympathetic towards the situation. And where's the mayor in all this? Every town has a mayor? It's tradition. Hopefully he'll show up later.


Quoted Text
WITCH
(whispery, singing to
itself in a rasp and
croaky tone)
Who dares spur his steed so late this
night?, A man whose child is sick
with fright, he hugs his child to
keep him warm, but can’t outride the
fearful storm.


Ooooooooh this is scary. Is that from something or did you just make that up? Either way its very creepy. This Witch could potentially be terrifying. Well I think this portion of the review has gone on for long enough.

TO BE CONTINUED. . .
Posted by: chism, April 18th, 2006, 3:10am; Reply: 45
PART II...

A little note on the character of Leroy. I think your writing of him is really very good. You've done an excellent job of making him someone we can hate easily, so hopefully this either means he is a bad guy in disguise or he is going to die a flaming horrible death, whcih would be really satisfying. I haven't read the end, so I'm hoping for the flaming death thing because this guy is really ticking me off, especially his treatment of his wife and the other people around him, I can understand where Tom is coming from with wanting to punch Leroy earlier on. Now, back to the script:

Okay and we're back. I really don't have very much to say about the sequences to follow that. I thought that the scenes in the police station were very nicely written with some creepy stuff going on and I felt Kerry's frustration at trying to get everything across to the cops. It's a good scene. Major twist with having the Sherrif slit that guy's throat, or at least is my understanding of the thing. Sicne I haven't read the ending yet I don't really know where this is all going, but it sure was something I hadn't been expecting, and then to bring back that character from the church was really cool. Nice work.

Creepy cold church out in the middle of nowhere that no one knew even existed. A very nice, eerie touch. It is these kinds of things that make a screenplay truly scary, at least for me anyway, but then again I'm usually scared by the subtle things. It's a great little scene, very atmospheric and then to have that Keane guy show up again is really cool.


Quoted Text

FATHER KEANE
(sullen)
It’s a catchphrase I know, but I’ve
been expecting you.


Yes it most definately is a catchphrase, but you acknowledging the fact that it is indeed a catchphrase kinda makes it okay for you to be saying it in a weird way, like if you acknowledge that something is a cliche then its accepted. It's a strange kind of thing, but it definately works, so I'm glad he said that he knew it was a catchphrase rather than him just saying "I've been expecting you."

The scene after this, with Andy, Annie, Paul, Steven, Janice and Kane is en extremely well written scene, probably the best one so far. The childish laughter of Witch is absolutely perfect and the way Kane is wrenched inside the bungalow was really cool. Another great touch was the fact that Steven's father disappeared and then as Steven turned around, everyone else was gone too. Uh! Totally creepy. The attack on him was brutal and yet almost sexy, with Witch licking his face and stuff, but the undercurrent of horror was still very strong and so this scene really stands out against the others.

Against the tree Steven is tied in the torture scene. Wow, this is an amazing piece of gothic horror writing. There are some truly grisly deaths here, especially Annie with her head being squeezed together and then exploding like a watermelon. Cutting of Steven's leg was described very well and visually would make many people cringe, one of the great things about gore I suppose. Witch's dialogue through this scene is more of what I was talking about earlier. She's kinda like Hannibal Lecter in that sense, she could say something very simplem but has to have a whole song and dance around it and then bury it amongst a thicket of riddles and rhymes, this is truly powerful stuff in the forest, yet I don't really see where it's going. I'm sure it will all make sense in the end, alas, more pitfulls of reading/reviewing simultaneously.

More confusion on my part because Father Keane has this lengthy exposition scene in which he half explains the plot of the movie. This was very confusing because I don't know what's coming next, nor do I understand why he stopped telling his story in the middle, just saying that some evil was coming, that something had happened. He did not say who he really was or what the old church was or anything, so I'm kind of annoyed at this scene. But the dialogue has that classic man explains the plot kinda vibe, so it's very entertaining nonetheless.

This dream sequence is excellently described, although the most confusing thing yet. What I'm gathering is this: that there were once demos on Earth, living here instad of us and the Devil presided over all of this until God came down and smote them, killing the demons and basically melting the devil, blanketing the world with snow, the Ice Age. Either that or it is some kind of vision from the future, either way it's a great sequence. Wow this review is getting longer and longer.

This Goblin thing is absolutely disgusting! It's grotesque, disturbing, I LOVED IT! He eats the guy's enter leg off and then rips his skin off and starts eating his heart. That is one disturbing image, wow. That was brilliant. Really graphic. the following sequence with the use of the computer screens was really well done as well, I thought, because you were trying to do something different. You're telling the story in a way we haven't seen before, at least not quite like that. And as soon as you do something different, you're getting recognition. So, very well done.

TO BE CONCLUDED...
Posted by: chism, April 18th, 2006, 4:51am; Reply: 46
PART III...

Okay, well basically I don't really have anything to say about this last portion of the script that I haven't already said before. There were a fair few grisly kills that I thought were very imaginative and well thought out, especially the death of Leroy, that guy really ticked me of..

An excellent effort, Scoob. A very well thought out and well executed script that kept me flicking through the pages. I hope that this review hasn't offended you in any way because I really liked this script. I was expecting something else for the ending but everything wrapped up kinda nicely and I liked your ambiguous ending, especialy now that I don't have to wait for the sequel, I can just read it straight away, which I will be doing sometime very soon.

Excellent work on the script and I look forward to reading more of your stuff sometime in the near future.


Cheers, Chism.
Posted by: Scoob, April 18th, 2006, 4:30pm; Reply: 47
Wow.

Holy cow, thank you Chism for you're review!! It might take me a little while to go through it and for that I really appreciate it!

Thank you!
Posted by: chism, April 18th, 2006, 7:08pm; Reply: 48
Yeah well, I ramble, what can I say?

I'm starting on Season of the Devil II in a couple of minutes. Review should be up later on today.


Chees, Chism.
Posted by: FilmMaker06, April 20th, 2006, 5:22pm; Reply: 49
Don't worry, I'm reading this right now so I can read II like I said I would. I've been a little behind on my reading because my internet was lost and because of other personal things.

-Landon
Posted by: James McClung, April 26th, 2006, 7:33pm; Reply: 50
I'm been reading this on and off for the past few days (it's the last week of classes so I've been a little busy). I'm about halfway through but the file's not working for me right now so I'm going to have to finish it later. Here's what I got so far...

So far, this is a pretty decent read. Not the type of horror I'm accustomed to but it's interesting nevertheless. I like the descriptions of the demons and that you've actually portrayed Hell as a planet rather than an alternate dimension, which I don't think has been done often. I also like the conspiracy feel that's prominent throughout the story so far and that the adults have no idea what's going on. It's hard to review scripts that have been extensively commented on already but I do have a few comments...

- I really liked the sacrifice of the lamb. I found it genuinely disturbing since the lamb somewhat represents innocence and purity. However I'm afraid it doesn't serve much purpose than to slow down the story. I think it'd be better to cut to the town after the introduction scene for the main baddies. It's up to you though and, again, I thought the scene was very well done.

- I think it rings false that Tom is not concerned about the children's disappearance. I don't think a father would dismiss such a thing just because it's the day before Halloween. Even if he does think they're playing a prank, I think he'd still look for them just to be safe.

- pg. 44 - What basis does Jack have that something supernatural is going on. Seems unlikely he'd just guess correctly what's really going on.

Other than that, so far, so good. I'll be checking out the sequel at some point in the future as well. More later...
Posted by: Scoob, April 29th, 2006, 10:05pm; Reply: 51
Chism,
First, thank yuo for taking the time for reading this and then for writing such a long and helpful review. I owe you one.

I will copy and paste everything you said so that I dont repeat myself and so that hopefully this will not take up 40 pages as my other review replies do lol

CHISM: The opening scene with looking up into the sky and then shooting across the universe to this hell planet was very well described. You have written very simply here, but it does invoke the imagination quite a bit and it's very easy to picture what you had in mind for it. The ensuing scene with the monks and the introduction of the SOWEN symbol is also very tightly written. This whole sequence has the feel of a writer who's planning on directing, since there are such specifications with camera angles/movements. Is that true? Would you like to direct your own scripts one day?

I would love to direct but have no idea on how to! I have always written and would one day like to actually be in charge of something I have created. Like a million other people in the world! I now am planning to write more and write a book and see how that goes as it allows you to actually describe feelings and emotions. I have always written with the intenton of writing like an author, this site made me look at things differently and try writing a script.


The introduction of the Phillips family is a very well written scene. You really capture that sense of excitement when the children see their father coming home from work. I remember being that excited about my father coming home and the kids's reactions feel very genuine. You also have a lot of very clever, very easy character development without making it feel force, with Tom remembering to get his beer, but forgetting the thing that would make his children happy. Also, you are setting up Megan's distaste and impatience for the situation that he is in. I think the scene really encapsulates the life of a suburban family very well. You also really captured the antagonism between a teenage boy and his father where Lee comes home late. Now I'm asuming that Lee was one of the kids who sacrificed the lamb, but I could be wrong. That's just the vibe I'm getting here. Moving on.

Why, thank you!

I'm not quite sure what you were trying to do with the following scene between Kerry, Sarah and Miss Hagins. They're talking about how late Kerry was and that they're gonna fire her if it happens again, then suddenly she's going to get someone's cell phone from their car? I understand it was important to get Kerry into the parking lot so she can meet up with Jack, but I'm just not sure what you were going for here. The scene doesn't have that same pizzaz of the opening scene with Tom and the Phillips family. And then it turns out that Miss Hagins doesn't actually hate her at all. So why give Kerry a hard time? Because she's the new girl? That's a pretty immature way for a fully grown woman to think and I'm just not sure what you were aiming for when you wrote this scene.

The scene is maybe wrong-maybe right.  I think this scene has no need to change, I have worked with people that have acted like this, been like this and so on and so forth. It is basically not hard to beleive. In the view that other people might have difficulty beleiving it, I cant really help that.  

Is Shepherd the last name of the doctor on Lost? It doesn't really matter if it is, I'm just curious because I think that it might be. This is another nice little scene with some snappy dialogue and a few character moments setting Jack up as a joker and possibly a love interest? Hmmmmm? Every great story has a great romance. Look at Gone with the Wind or Casablanca. Either way it goes, it's a pretty nice scene, very quiet, which I would assume is the silence before the storm, but I could be very wrong, one of the pitfalls of reading/reviewing at the same time I suppose.

Lost? No. This was written way before that came out and I have never even watched one episode in any case. Shepherd as in the religous overtone of the script perhaps, but in no way is this taken from some television show.  I still have not watched Lost yet and dont really intend to.

The next scene I'm going to talkabout is the one in which the kids are taken. I understand what you were trying to do and what was intended of the scene. It is the moment in the film where things really start happening, where you kick the plot into high gear. I just don't think it comes off as well as it should, it is something that maybe should have been written a little better. The way you've described it, I think Tom is far too calm considering the circumstances and I think that Megan is severely underused:

Perhaps you are right here. There is a lack of dialouge and action and this whole segment could be altered. Problem was, this script is big enough already, why stick needless infortmation in when it will be explained later? To create more dialouge would only make the script bigger and provide more problems.

Quoted Text
Megan ignores Tom and dashes around the house, calling the kid’s
names, asking them to come out from joking around or hiding.
The above should have been completely written, with her shouting out their names, bolting from room to room in the house. I would also have Tom be a little less together than he is, especially considering his present emotional state, having just had an argument with his wife. The scene really doesn't have the emotional impact it should have and I think maybe even a little more buildup is required.

Yeah I see your point. If a little more rewrting was added then it might make it more effective but I tried to squeeze in as much as I could in the little space I have. Maybe later on, this scene becomes less important, so I decided to leave it as it was.

Quoted Text
The revolving doors close behind them, the usual quiet sound
becoming now the only sound that can be heard.
What does this mean? How in the hell can revolving doors close behind them? They're revolving doors, the entire point of them is that they never close. Do you mean they stop moving? You need to clarify that coz that just ticked me right off.

Heh. Ok you have me on that one. Maybe the revolving doors were busted too? ( I say looking for an easy way out)

One of the following scenes has Tom and Megan walking through the streets. Extend this here. There may be a longer sequence of the parents wandering around lost without their children, but here would be the perfect place to really pack an emotional punch. Have peoplew eeping the gutters, mothers screaming out in insanity, people fighting and bickering, punch-ups and other things of a like nature. I'd hate to use that word again, but this scene needs some pizzaz.
The latter scene outside the police station and the subsequent division into groups captures that sense perfectly. There is mass hysteria, which is understandable. and you have described it excellently. You've captured those who are hopeless and don't know what to do, and you've also wonderfully written those who are strong, in command and in control, so there is a nice contrast in this scene. You've really got the whole "town-united" kinda vibe going through this portion of the film and it is really well done.

Cheers, Im glad you enjoyed this scene.

I will write up on the rest of your review a little later, but thanks Chism. I try and reply best I can to everyones reviews and although it may be a little tiresome to other readers, I think this is the best way. At least I am trying to answer every thing you have stated.
Much appreciated that people read my stuff so the least I can do is reply to what they have written!

Thanks again and I will get back asap with the rest.
Posted by: James McClung, May 6th, 2006, 2:50pm; Reply: 52
Hey Scoob. Sorry about the delay but I'm finally finished.

A couple things...

pg. 65 - "If I had a weapon of some sort."

pg. 66 - "Tom thumps him in the face." Huh? A simple "punches" would have sufficed. "Thumps" sounds too weak and kind of ambiguous.

pg. 98 - ?This looks like a war film. This can?t be real.? After seeing a skeleton and a witch, I don?t think a bunch of burning cars would be that hard to believe. Perhaps it would be a little more shocking but still, I?d change the line.

You also have a few "your" and "you're" that need to be switched.

Other than that, I enjoyed this one. The begining was a little slow for me. The first two acts seemed to be more of a mystery than a horror but once the cult stuff started, I had a much better time reading this. I wouldn't beef up this stuff at the begining since good pacing is important for a horror movie and your script has that. It also makes the stuff at the end so much more exciting. I would beef up on the presence of Skull and Witch throughout though. Goblin's quite a nasty character, my favorite of the three, and pretty much steals the show, which he'd probably do anyway but I think you should give the other two more chances to show their stuff. Again, good job with this one, Scoob. You have some really great, original stuff here.
Posted by: Scoob, May 6th, 2006, 3:26pm; Reply: 53
Thanks James for your review, very helpful and I appreciate it.

Glad you enjoyed it!
Posted by: Scoob, September 11th, 2006, 1:02am; Reply: 54
The latest draft has been submitted to Don moments ago.

Nothing of major note has been altered, I have just cleaned up the dialouge a little and cut a few pointless moments out of the first act.

I will shortern the script quite a bit as it is a tad long at the moment, but nothing plot wise will be altered.

Posted by: chism, September 20th, 2006, 3:40am; Reply: 55
Just curious to know if there's going to be a Season of the Devil III?

Do the whole trilogy thing? Everyone is about the trilogy nowadays. It's never "Will there be a second one?" It's always "Will there be a trilogy?"

PFFFFT!

And by the way, was I the only one who HATED Dead Man's Chest? Honestly?


Cheers, Chism.
Posted by: wildgrace, September 24th, 2006, 12:29pm; Reply: 56
CHARACTERS:   The protag arrives with a back story and issues.  Good.  But, I wish Tom was more active in his role as “hero”.  The priest seems to be feeding them all the information they need.  I'd like Tom to figure some stuff out for himself.  

PLOT/STORY:  The priest seems to reveal a lot of the needed information in a couple of scenes.  If possible try and break these into smaller scenes, and disperse them more widely throughout the script, so we have a build up of knowledge.

It's a horror film and the death of the lamb, sets the right tone.  Some really nice death moments, culminating with the death of the town.  Which is neat, as the town people die so does the town, and I like how we see this town that looks nice at the beginning, except for a haunted house then as the story moves along, the town slowly dies as well.  This adds subtext to the story and what is happening to the characters.

DIALOGUE:  It's good and it's not on the nose, but I wish it had more zing  (And yes I am a fan of J Whedon's dialog, man I wish I could write dialog that good – just admitting my bias here, feel free to ignore me.)

SCENE DESCRIPTION/STRUCTURE:  Good use of screenplay format and nice short paragraphs.

Where ever possible I'd remove the is and “ing” words. This will move the writing from passive to active and make the read smoother and cleaner.  This would likely also get the page count down.  (Something I constantly struggle with in my own writing, so I tend to be hyper-aware of this.)

For instance on page 5 I'd rewrite as:
The sky after sunset, an eerie red and orange glow.

A desolate hilltop, with a wide open space, except for a mass of trees, off to one side.

Only one building in sight, an abandoned wreckage of a bungalow.  The windows boarded with wood, an intimidating haunted house.

A stone path leads to the door, a garden nearby that has not been looked after in years.

A dim light flickers between the gap of a boarded window.
End. - I'm personally getting lost in the description, sometimes its awkward and overdone.  A good trimming would fix this.  

As the story moves along, the writing gets better, less flowery, more efficient in conveying the action and description.

QUALITY OF WRITING:  Good visual writing, but wordy.   I think you could easily take out words, reduce and/or remove sentences and convey the same information.

For instance, page 4, I'd rewrite as:
The first demon reveals it face.  A full size skeleton, no sign of skin, it's human bone features distorted, it's gaze menacing.
End -  (facial expressions are going to be tough with only bone, random thought.)  I think this sentence conveys the same information you are trying to get across but reduces four sentences to two.

OVERALL IMPRESSION:  

It's a good horror story, and an interesting take on Hell having its own planet.  You generally create vivid visual scenes, which is great.  However, as mentioned earlier there are times when I got completely lost and confused in all the description.  

I would prefer if Tom was a bit more active in figuring out what is going on in the town - that he be the one to find and put the pieces of the puzzle together.  It seems people just hand him the puzzle pieces which is not quite as entertaining.

THOUGHTS THAT PASSED THROUGH MY HEAD DURING FIRST READ

Hell as a planet. Good, caught my interest.

17 – it's not an unknown symbol, it's the sowen symbol.  I think you mean the symbol is unknown to the priest.  But that's not something the audience can see on screen.  

20 – Did the kids disappear because of what the cloaks did in the haunted house?  If yes, then make this more clear.  Right now the kids disappearing seems odd because I don't know what caused it.  Maybe intercut between the cloaks performing their ceremony as the kids disappear, this might clear things up a bit.

38 – Is this the next time we see any of the demons again, after the opening scene with them?  I don't remember seeing them, and I'd actually forgotten about them.  I would suggest having them appear intermittently from the time we see them the first time, and throughout the story seeding anger and destruction.  For instance when we first see Tom and Megan, don't have them really fight until one of the demons puts a “hex” on them, and then the same for Tom and Lee.

This would show us the demons are powerful, would remind us they are there, and add another layer to the story.  

93 – Riley reveals he's the deliverer?  It be more satisfying if the protag discovered and revealed he was one of the bad guys.

Interesting ending, but I like it when horror ends on a dark note.  Seems appropriate.
Posted by: Scoob, September 24th, 2006, 9:33pm; Reply: 57
Hey cheers Chism & WildGrace - I was quite surprised to see I had a couple of new comments on here about this thing!

It's a bit crazy with the whole trilogy thing is'nt it? Companies plan to make three films before the first one is even released nowadays, just strikes me as bizarre. You even hear ( or read ) comments about "Oh the first one sucked but dont worry, the next one or the last one will be great!"
Why not just make sure the first film is as good as the next two? Fantastic Four comes to mind with things like that - I thought that was awful but they are making another anyway.

Anyhow, 'tis unlikely I will be writing another of these ones.

I was just popping on here to post Season Of The Devil II, with hopefully it all written a lot better and a little more interesting then the last draft which was pretty bad.  If anyone enjoys that I might write another but seeing as people only really read the first draft thats posted I dont think too many will bother. I dont blame them either - I posted it when it was under written and it had a few problems with it. I should have waited.



Posted by: Scoob, September 24th, 2006, 10:03pm; Reply: 58
Wildgrace, thank you for giving this one a read - much appreciated and I will return the favour. Most likely with Pumpkincrow as it's a horror - as you know by having read this thats usually my cup of tea.

I agree with you regarding Tom. I have a pretty similar pattern going on with the second one aswell in which the "hero" doesn't actually resolve the situation - just more or less manages to survive it, or at least, get to the final act. I don't know if it fits the story but you are pretty spot on. And the priest, Father Keane, does tend to get a little carried away with his babble speak.  I might have to shorten a lot of this down. Or just cut a lot of it out.

Perhaps not the best thing but this was an early script and Im still learning so I will definitly try and extend my future "heroes and heroines".

It's great you appreciated the whole town dying. Thanks. It's not overally original but I did want that feeling to come across.

I still need to work a lot on dialouge issues. I think some of the best is in my other script titled Malevolent, and I think it is improving with each rewrite and script I write next.

I will take note of the removal of pointless or space taking words - this one and the sequal are WAY too long at the moment. Too much description is another flaw which you noticed and I thank you for pointing it out. Also thank you for making a couple of examples, it helps a great deal :)

When I was reading through this and was about to send it off on request of the only agent that has taken any interest, I could'nt beleive how bad some of my writing was. Thus why I rushed into rewriting the first thirty pages. Needless to say, it still needs a LOT of work as the agent sent me it back without as much as a "it sucks" reply.

So thank you for reading this one, Wildgrace, I have been pretty absent on here regarding reviewing others works so I need to catch up a little. I will start with Pumpkincrow :)
Posted by: tonkatough, October 12th, 2006, 6:19am; Reply: 59
I was getting a bit fed up with reading the 85- 95 page scripts. I wanted something a little bit more epic. Something with a more sweeping story. So when I noticed your script was at 150 pages I thought I'd have a go.

I am half way through this script so far and it is a pleasure to read. fantastic stuff.


The plot is very clever. You know exactly when to "cut to" just at the right moment when a scene is getting exciting. the children vanish, the church trashed. Leave the reader hanging and keep them reading. I love that.

The first act with the set up of the characters is very natural. These are real people.

All of the spooky details are inventive and enjoyable. The disappearence of the children and how all evidents is eradicated a little to thorough. The cars with doors opens and horns blaring.

The stolen children is an excellent central problem, driving the story forward and giving it a solid structure. You obvously know your stuff when it comes to plot structure. I'm still struggling with raising the stakes.

I wasn't to sure about Skull and Witch when they appeear and start popping peoples heads off. The way you describe they seem too cartoonsih. I kept picturing them in the same style as that Ned & Mandy's Grimm Adventures show on the Cartoon Network. You have gone to so much trouble creating a real, believab;e town with very real people that the cartoonish demons kind of clash with all the realistic set up at the beginging of the story.

But I am only half way through the script and have to wait and see when I read the rest.

Also the opening scene of traveling through space to some sort hell planet doesn't quite work for me. I don't think it is really needed. As it is, once all the spooky, weird stuff hits town we know who is beind it all and so your story loses a lot of mystery and tension. If that opening scene wasn't there we would have no idea who is behind the spooky stuff. It could be goblins, aliens, fairies or even smurfs. who knows. i feel the cult chanting is a great hint of what is to come and is far more effective than demons living on planet Hell.

But maybe I should read the rest of the script before I go on about this.

Posted by: tonkatough, October 13th, 2006, 8:18am; Reply: 60
Okay I have read a little bit more of your script. It's hard to tell what page I'm up to cause there are no pages.

So the middle act is made up with the characters trapped in buildings. The intercutting between scenes is still compeling Your plotting is still top notch and exciting. The whole trapped segment of story seems a little bit long. I really dig the message that come up on computer, that is very cool.

But we got all thses demon monster thing rampaging outisde and the characters are stuck in building. It seems like you are dragging your story out a bit but than again I could be wrong cause I don't know what the outcome will be yet. ( I haven't read that far.) The kooky cult dudes have borded up the building and have drugged the characters. Why? There must be a reason. See what I mean by your plot being intriguing and keeps the reader turning the page.

I did glance over other reviews and noticed some people say Tom is a bit of  weak action hero. Is not very active. I have to disagree. I feel this script is not about a hero. Yoru characters react like how real people would act in this kind of nightmarish situation. Hell, I would be dazed and confuse and round around in circles freaking out too if it happened to me.

Hopefully I will finsih the rest and conclude my review.
Posted by: tonkatough, October 13th, 2006, 6:34pm; Reply: 61
Whew. I have finally finished the script. It was an enjoyable read.

the more i read the quicker I got over my first intial reaction to Witch, goblin & Skull. They sort of blended into story more. And besides if this script was to made into a movie it is obvious that a team of artist would work on creature design. So the more I read I just imagined what sort of design would be made for demons. Scary stuff.

I love the idea of the tunnel with the hudreds of children handchuffed to the iron rail or whatever that runs down the length of the tunnel wall. An amazing and nightmarish visual that would be intense of film.

Now that I have read the entire script I must say that the story you have does not warrent a 150 page epic. There is no need for it to be so long. The middle with the buildings being boarded up and everyone trapped inside grinds the story to a halt. Remove that part and I don't think your story will miss a beat. You could just have scene where enter building, see weird stuff on computer than cut to explosion and mayhem. The flow of the story will be much better.

It's funny, I came to this script because I was tired of reading micro scripts that where 90 pages and had no room to fully develope a story. And yet I find with your script that there is a bit of middle filler and it could be trimmed. But the way I see it,  you only need to go over the 120 page limit if you have a complex story with multiple plots and character arcs. In other words a pretty dense story.  

Also I still agree with what I said about the opening scene and planet hell. dump it as it ruins the tension and mystery for the set up and build up in the first act. Plus what are they? demons or aliens? You have a bit of a confused contradiction happening with the supernatural and Sci-fi. For me it doesn't mesh.

But I noticed up above a lot of people comment in their reviews that they liked the planet hell idea. so I am a minority on this and guess that means overruled. In the end it is your story and that is what you want than that is fine. Though I might not agree with it but I am willing to go along with it when reading your script.

all in all a great script, I enjoyed it. It was a pleasure.
  
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