Expect No Mercy: Season 1:Ep 01 "Pilot Episode" by Zavier Alvarez (Dick_Nixon) - Series, Drama - These are the chronicles of a American Solider during the Iraq War. Whether your for it or against it, its still happening. These are his trials and tribulations.  - pdf, format :)

Expect No Mercy: Season 1:Ep 02 "Interrogation" by Zavier Alvarez (Dick_Nixon) - Series, Drama - West begins a relationship with a Baghdad hooker, while dealing with the increasing pressure brought on from the failure of the Falluja mission. - pdf, format :)

Expect No Mercy: Season 1:Ep 03 "Back To School" by Zavier Alvarez (Dick_Nixon) - Series, Drama - During a simple mission, West's new company is ambushed and must escaped a abandoned school alive - pdf, format :)


Expect No Mercy: Season 1:Ep 04 "Quiet and Nasty" by Zavier Alvarez (Dick_Nixon) - Series, Drama - West is promoted and given command of a small group of Marines. Can he handle the pressure or will he lead his men to their deaths?   - pdf, format :)

Expect No Mercy: Season 1:Ep 05 'Recoil' by Zavier Alvarez (Dick_Nixon) - Series, Drama - A appalling crime might push West to murder as Mack’s condition continues to deteriorate. - pdf, format 8)

Expect No Mercy: Season 1:Ep 06 'Judgement' by Zavier Alvarez (Dick-Nixon) - Series, Drama - For a Marine dealing death to those who deserve it comes naturally, but when West takes the life of a high-ranking Iraqi official, he must face the consequences. - pdf, format 8)

Expect No Mercy: Season 1:Ep 07 "Born Killer" by Zavier Alvarez and Chris Kuehl - Series, Drama - For West, life is on a downward spiral and things only get worse when Major Shepard assigns him to a classified mission. 16 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Zavier. Just wanted to point out some things that caught my attention.

In spec screenplays, writing "the camera does this or that" is a no-no. Unless you´re going to direct and produce this (or know that you will be able to get a producer who will hire you as a director), avoid all kinds of camera directions.

When you do a V.O., make sure to put the name of the character who is speaking.

Avoid writing things the camera can´t record, like "hot" or "Miller is in his early thirties. Relaxed, battle hardened, powerful, ignoring the hell around them".

Avoid repeating things, like "The sun has not yet come up over the desert" (this was already implied in the slugline "NIGHT").

Hey D.N.:

Read the first one of these, and it's pretty good.  A veteran of these conflicts might have quibbles with you, but as an average guy, it "feels" about right to me.  You have a fair amount of typos in here; some readers don't mind, but it detracts a bit for me.  You should give it a careful proof.

Comments and Spoilers:

*  Right off the bat, dialogue is not centered.  You gotta fix that.
*  Is the army really an option to avoid jail?  I have never heard of that.  If it's true, fine, but if it's not, you really should not use it.  You don't want to blow your credibility right out of the gate, you know?
*  Nice, compelling characters here.  I liked the way you brought Sanders along gradually, introducing him into the action at just the right time.  Nice job, that.
*  Speaking of characters, though, it seems like way too many people died here.  I mean, this is the pilot, and you are supposed to be introducing characters that people will care about over the long term.  You killed off damn near everybody, sparing only -- what was it -- three?  Anyways, this first episode has plenty of great action, but it's characters that ultimately drive a successful series, and we should probably meet more people that will be around longer.

I liked it well enough that I will check out the second one soon.  Good stuff.  I just hope a few of the characters live to see episode three!    

Thanks for the read, Bert.

Quoted from bert Right off the bat, dialogue is not centered.  You gotta fix that.

I just purchased Final Draft yesterday :) This shouldn’t be a problem much longer.

Quoted from bert   Is the army really an option to avoid jail?

Yeah, my cousin went through this, the judge asked him for a commitment to join the arm forces or he would be given jail time.

Quoted from bert Speaking of characters, though, it seems like way too many people died here.

Their deaths have purpose, and this is shown in the next episode. We will meet more people that will be around longer. :)

Thanks again!

-Zavier

Hello Dick.
Well i decided to read your screenplays and i was satisfied with what you have come up with here. I am guessing these are hour scripts and they are very well paced and such.

The characters you have written i think where very well written and each have their own 'thing' to the story. Also it seems that you enjoy killing people here. We were introduced to some characters and they then died. My idea would be wait on the deaths.

Also the format was eh? Fix the format and such in this script and you got it. (Which after looking over the copy thats up now seems as if you have some fixed) Only some more minor things and you have a pretty good script.

I will read your next one soon. I have some more to read before i read the next. Good job.

Andrew

I just submitted a revised version of the second episode; hopefully it will be up soon. The script currently up has several errors that I wanted to get rid of.

-Zavier

Quoted from Nixon several errors that I wanted to get ride of

Sorry.  Couldn't resist.  I am gonna hold off on reading #2 until the new one is up.

lol, the funny thing is, I did the exact same thing to Huggybear.

-Zavier :)

Revision of the second episode is up. ;D

-Zavier

u did do that to me on my first day on the site... Lol

Hey D.N.  A few thoughts (and spoilers) on #2:



*  The dialogue is still centered.  I thought you were gonna fix that stuff.
*  The opening sequence is very effective, a smooth transition from the pilot into this second episode -- especially since it has been about a week since I read it.  My only concern is that you are spending time reintroducing us to characters that will -- obviously -- never return.
*  I am assuming Zahrah is going to be around longer than 15 minutes or so.  Now you have done away with Miller, too!  When are people going to begin sticking around?  And what about Sanders?  If he is going to come back, he should at least pop up for a second or two -- in his own storyline, if he is not interacting directly with West.  His painful recovery in the hospital or something.  At 18 pages, you have enough space to add this.
*  Some of the converation West has with Zahrah -- you might want to move a portion of this up to before they jump into the sack, you know?  It seems a little too quick as you've got it.  I mean, I WISH it worked that way -- but maybe they should chat a little first.
*  I was confused about West and the letter.  I thought he was snooping and found it to be an unappealing aspect to his character.  I had to examine that passage again before I realized he was recopying the blood-soaked letter.  It could be made a little more clear exactly what he is doing there.

So, these are pretty good all in all.  But in a drama, particularly in a war drama, it is critical to have some characters that we care about and fear for their safety.  It is time to introduce us to some rather than mowing them down!

Hello again Dick.

Episode two i liked a lot better then the first. The only problem is the length. I think you could of made this longer by extending some of the scenes and all. Other then that a great series so far and i will definitly read the next.

Quoted from bert The dialogue is still centered.  I thought you were gonna fix that stuff.!

I just received Final Draft yesterday, from now on all episodes will be in a proper format.

Quoted from bert My only concern is that you are spending time reintroducing us to characters that will -- obviously -- never return.!

The Characters introduced in the interrogation scene will return, mainly Major Shepard

Quoted from bert I am assuming Zahrah is going to be around longer than 15 minutes or so.

I don't want to give away too much, but Zahrah will play a pretty big role in this season.

Quoted from bert Now you have done away with Miller, too!  When are people going to begin sticking around?  And what about Sanders?  If he is going to come back, he should at least pop up for a second or two -- in his own storyline, if he is not interacting directly with West.  His painful recovery in the hospital or something.

Sanders will also return, I kind of wanted to stay away from the whole hospital thing after watching the last episode of "Over There"


Thanks again!

-Zavier

New episode is up, hope you all enjoy it.

-Zavier

I'll get to reading it later today.

I enjoyed read this. I enjoyed it better then your last two for a number of reason. The dialouge i believe was much better. I enojyed the beginning convo with west and mack. They really reacted well with each other.

The character of west was done really well in this also. I think you are starting to 'get to know' him more which helps a lot in a script.

But as in all scripts there were some bad things. Some of the dialouge was bad. Mostly Macks. And there were some errors where you forgot to put in a word. I believe there was one point in the script where West? said You have to be fucking me. I think you meant you have to be fucking kidding me.

Overall i think this was far superior then the last 2 episodes. Keep up the good work.

The revision of the third episode is up. It contains a alternate ending.  :)

-Zavier

Here is a preview for the third episode; it contains spoilers if you have not read the previous episodes.

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INT. CHINOOK HELICOPTER-DAY
Screams of agony echo off the thin metal walls of the massive transport helicopter. Wounded Marines lie everywhere, pools of blood form around them. Their brothers in arms watch in horror as the medics race to save their friends. We push in towards West, his face and uniform are covered in blood. His face reveals shock and horror. Mack stands next to West, his face gives nothing away. He simply stares straight ahead. Tory crouches in the corner, he can’t take the carnage and hurls.

                                POWELL (O.S.)
                       (screaming)
                Oh my God!

Powell has been destroyed. His left leg is gone, replaced by blood and bone. Shrapnel has cut his face badly; the blood covers his eyes, blinding him. Two medics work furiously trying to save Powell.  

Didn't read any previous comments. Normal disclaimers apply. Feel free to tear apart anything I've written. Here we go.

POSSIBLE SPOILERS...



Pg 1: INT. TRANSPORT: Complaint 1. You have the dialogue centered. The dialogue should be left-justified with a 1 inch tabset from the left margin and a width of no more than 3-3.5 inches.

You also need to lose the camera directions.

And there should be a double space between the slugline and the opening description.

Why did West sit next to Morris while the transport is in flight? The seating arrangements would be worked out before flight, and if West sat, he would be the one to start speaking having some reason to sit next to Morris. It would make more sense if West was already there, and Morris started talking.

EXT. TRANSPORT: Until this scene, I didn’t know it was an airplane. I pictured a 2-prop helicopter. You need to describe this better in the opening description. While the model of plan need not be mentioned (such a C-140 or whatever), a plane should be specified….and you misspelled plane.

Pg 1-2: INT. TENT: West’s voiceover’s should be treated like regular dialogue with just the V.O. designation in parenthesis after the name. I like the scorpion bit. Good piece of realism.

EXT. CAMP RUBICON: North Kuwait would be useful to know as a SUPER. Otherwise, we won’t know we’re in North Kuwait unless someone says it.

Since West is in the Marines, you might want to specify “army” as “military” and that he chose the Marines. I know this happens. I was in Basic Training with at one person who chose military over jail. It’s definitely a better option. Same level of accountability; lots more freedom.

Pg 4: INT. MESS TENT: “Fare” should be spelled “Fair”. “star strait ahead” should be “stare straight ahead.” However, it would be more appropriate to say “Everyone jumps to attention.”

Pg 6: When Miller is (yelling)…this should be placed on its own line between the character name and the dialogue. Dialogue is 1 inch, the wryly is 1.6 inches, and the character name should be 2.2 inches. If you’re using Word or pretty much any word processor, just set the tabs at these points and it makes it all a lot quicker. Another consideration with this wryly is its necessity. Miller sounds angry through his words and demeanor. I figure he’s yelling without letting us know for sure.

Pg 6-7: INT. TERMINAL - BAGHDAD AIRPORT: A slash in a slugline indicates two locations in one. This is one general location with a specific location. It should be either as I have it at the beginning on this comment or it can be INT. BAGHDAD AIRPORT - TERMINAL or since only one location within the airport is used, it may just as well be INT. BAGHDAD AIRPORT. You already specify that West is in the terminal area.

“start to curse in Arabic” - In a screenplay, no one can start to do anything. They either do it or they don’t. The only time someone can start to do something is if it is a long action, like eating, or they start and then stop before they actually do it.

EXT. BAGHDAD HIGHWAY: Route Irish can also be placed as a SUPER to let us know exactly where we are since stuff happens on this road. This is even more useful if future stuff is to occur here; the audience will get the reference if they see it.

Pg 10: (over radio) is another wryly and it goes in the same place as the previous one.

Pg 14: INT. CARRIER/KITCHEN:  “several rows of desk” should be “desks”

You need to intercut the kitchen and carrier for the phone conversation. You have it ending with Sanders and yet the last slug reads INT. KITCHEN. Also, this scene is a very quick intro. If Sanders is to be a main characters, it would be helpful to see more of his world before cutting away. Right now, just wondering what just happened.

Pg 16: INT. HUMVEE: How exactly does West snap to attention inside a moving vehicle?

You have two Tyson dialogue headers in a row. One will be fine.

Pg 20: INT. HOUSE: Everyone begins to chuckle…I think I missed the joke.

Pg 21: EXT. HOSPITAL: “Tyson still stars…” I believe he “stares”

Pg 22: INT. RHAJIEM: This scene is remarkably short. I know you don’t want to show anything, but still, no indication is given whether anything happened or not. Maybe that’s the idea, but it feels too quick for that. I think a better use of this type of thing would be Tyson actively picking the girl in the anteroom of the harem and watching West go into a room with her. Then, this scene won’t feel as short as it does. It will also give a better feeling of Tyson’s character, especially if he is shown as a regular.

Pg 24: EXT. PALACE: Just now learned it has been more than a week since the incident. It would be useful in the hospital scene to have a SUPER to show how long it has been or have one of the boys mention the time frame then, so we have a better idea of how long they’ve been there.

Pg 26: EXT. HELICOPTER WING: A dead insurgent flies into the blades and gets stuck. I was under the impression they weren’t this close to the ground. How in the world does a body get thrown that high into the air? Don’t tell me, just put it in the script. Pilot says, “We got heavily vibration in the stick”…that would be “heavy vibration”

Pg 28: INT. TENT: “fagots” should be spelled “faggots”

Pg 29: EXT. HOSPITAL: “follow a young insurgent with a steadicam” Specifying movie-making hardware is too much and is somewhat distracting from the story. Sort of counts as camera directions.

Pg 30: INT. APACHE COCKPIT: Is this pilot the same pilot as earlier? If so, give the guy a name. You gave the brothel girl a name, and this guy has lines…

Pg 31: EXT HOSPITAL: “they fire their M-16s”…at what?

Rolland picks up both grenades? If in one hand, how? And if in two hands, what did he do with his gun?

You have the slugline of EXT. HOSPITAL/GROUND FLOOR. You should lose the GROUND FLOOR part and have a new INT. HOSPITAL slug once they get inside.

Pg 32: EXT. HOSPITAL: How do we know Jones has York’s blood on his uniform. It could easily be anyone’s by looking.

Pg 34: INT. COCKPIT: The Marines have an air corp? I know the Navy has pilots and the Air Force handles most of the flying, but the Marines?

INT. TENT: I feel like this conversation could be a little more in-depth. A little more character stuff to come out. So far, there has been a lot of action and a lot has gone on to get the reader going, which is good, but eventually, we’re going to need some characters to enjoy. West has gotten some attention, but we know almost nothing about him. He’s been led around by the nose here getting the feel of the place kind of like you’re doing to the audience which works well…really well, as a matter of fact. But West is going to need a life of his own at some point.

Pg 35: INT. COCKPIT: “LET’S drop OUR s**t”

Pg 38: INT. TENT: Awesome scene.

Pg 42: INT. BASEMENT: Your writing is getting better as we’re progressing. Chilling scene. Nicely done. Only thing: How does Shahir know Sanders’ name?

Pg 52: INT. STAIRS: Who’s Kelly?

Overall, really good. This first episode is a real roller coaster ride and once you gave your characters something to do, the action picked up, and the story became really engrossing. The only odd part was the escape. We know Tyson was covering the entrance and he was taken out by an insurgent. Where was the insurgent when West escaped? What happened to the insurgents who invaded the building? These obstacles disappeared. Perhaps a quick run down by Miller would help this confusion, since he likely saw it happen.

In coming episodes I would look to having a lot more character development for your main ones. Obviously, this series is going to be a little different in that anyone can die. West still remains mostly a mystery and is like the audience eye view of what is going on. You managed to get an attachment to him without telling anything much about him, but this won’t last for long.

You also need to work on getting the format of dialogue down correctly as that remained a constant distraction and lose every single "we see" you've written. It's another direction that distracts from the read. You paint the picture. I'll decide what I want to see. You need to work on having sufficient description as well, as in many places the description was very thin for the subject matter you're discussing.

Well done, and we’ll see how future episodes go.

Thanks for the detailed review, this really helps.

Quoted from George Willson Pg 1: INT. TRANSPORT: Complaint 1. You have the dialogue centered. The dialogue should be left-justified with a 1 inch tabset from the left margin and a width of no more than 3-3.5 inches..

This is an older script and I haden't received Final Draft yet, Episode 3 is in correct format and I'm working on the first two.

Quoted from George Willson Why did West sit next to Morris while the transport is in flight? The seating arrangements would be worked out before flight, and if West sat, he would be the one to start speaking having some reason to sit next to Morris. It would make more sense if West was already there, and Morris started talking.

I see what your talking about, this will be fixed.

Quoted from George Willson Pg 1-2: INT. TENT: West’s voiceover’s should be treated like regular dialogue with just the V.O. designation in parenthesis after the name.

Already fixed in third episode and being fixed in the first two.

Quoted from George Willson Pg 22: INT. RHAJIEM: This scene is remarkably short. I know you don’t want to show anything, but still, no indication is given whether anything happened or not. Maybe that’s the idea, but it feels too quick for that. I think a better use of this type of thing would be Tyson actively picking the girl in the anteroom of the harem and watching West go into a room with her. Then, this scene won’t feel as short as it does. It will also give a better feeling of Tyson’s character, especially if he is shown as a regular.

I had more content for this scene but decided not to use it because it was sort of graphic. People on these boards seem to react negatively to that sort of thing.

Quoted from George Willson Pg 26: EXT. HELICOPTER WING: A dead insurgent flies into the blades and gets stuck. I was under the impression they weren’t this close to the ground. How in the world does a body get thrown that high into the air? Don’t tell me, just put it in the script. Pilot says, “We got heavily vibration in the stick”…that would be “heavy vibration”.

The insurgents were on the roof, maybe I didn't make this clear enough, I will rewrite this scene.

Quoted from George Willson Pg 34: INT. COCKPIT: The Marines have an air corp? I know the Navy has pilots and the Air Force handles most of the flying, but the Marines?

http://www.marines.com/enlisted_marines/enlistedaviation.asp?format=flash

Quoted from George Willson Pg 42: INT. BASEMENT: Your writing is getting better as we’re progressing. Chilling scene. Nicely done.

Thanks, this was a early project for me.  I left it for a long time and then finally got back to it.
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Right now, I'm currently working on the first two episodes and rewriting them. The format and grammar should no longer be a problem. I will also fix all the other errors people have brought to my attention. Thanks for your input George; your review helped a lot.

Hi all,

The revisions for the first two episodes are up. I’ve extended a few scenes, deleted a few scenes. I fixed what other issues I could find or that were brought to my attention. The format is also fixed with the help of Final Draft. Thanks for all the input so far, it has helped a lot.

p.s.

The fourth episode entitled "Quiet and Nasty" is almost done and should be up next week sometime.

-Zavier

Here is a review by jcahill.




Expect No Mercy
Review:

    Zavier, first I would like to say overall this is a well-written script (grammar, formatting, description, etc). With some adjustments and rewrites this could be a professional and producible screenplay. You have obviously researched your subject, which I like, and make the scene descriptions believable. Take my review with a grain of salt. Use what you agree with and discard what you disagree with. With that said...

STORY:
   
-Great opening scene. The set up was perfect and intriguing. Lots of movement and drama early on (even though it was a dream).
   
-Beyond the first scene, your story needs structure, a spine. You need to produce a dramatic question early on (1st ten pages) that the audience looks forward to having answered in the end. (i.e.: In Rocky, 'will Rocky beat Apollo Creed?' or Saving Private Ryan, 'will the platoon find Private Ryan?') Both of these examples provide a dramatic question early on in the movie. This is the spine of the movie in which any movie should 'hang on to' throughout. THIS IS PROBABLY THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT IN WRITING A SCREENPLAY.
   
-The war is a very 'hot' topic to write a movie or show about but it needs to have an original hook or dramatic question in it (again, Saving Private Ryan is a good example).
   
-Your protagonist (PVT West) needs to have more of a dramatic 'push'. Again, this will happen when you develop your dramatic question or spine. Because of this lack, your story doesn't 'go anywhere'. There are a lot of things going on but it isn't really going anywhere. You have a dramatic situation that these characters seem to find themselves in. But it isn't enough. A good dramatic question occurs in the middle when CAPT SANDERS ejects and gets captured. 'Will the lone pilot escape alive from his captors?' This would have been a good spine for your story. Though somewhat overused, if told in a unique and intriguing way could make for a great story. And with your writing ability it could be done.
   
-In the end I felt let sort of down. Your main character (PVT West) didn't have any resolution. This is where the initial dramatic question is important. In the beginning the dramatic question (for your protagonist) is supposed to be introduced and in the end there is some kind of resolution (good or bad). The question is answered. The audience is satisfied (or not) And if this is a series, each episode should follow the same guidelines (Band of Brothers is a good example of this).

CHARACTERS:

-For each important character, develop a fictional personal history for each one. Did so-and-so grow up an only child? Church on Sundays? Parents divorced? Sister killed in an auto accident? It'll make deciding how each character responds to certain situations easier and more unique. In your story, it is difficult to tell one character from another. Take any scene and replace the main character in the same scene with another. Would he act similarly? Or totally different? Right now your characters are flat. Predictable. What happened to the Chaplain? He would have made a unique character but you didn�t use him except to introduce him. I'll tell you this is the most difficult aspect of screenwriting. If you master bringing your characters to life and making them stand out from one another...everything else is easy.
   
-You need to give the audience a reason to root for your main character (PVT WEST). Again, I was most sympathetic to CAPT SANDERS situation. The same for most of the other characters. Either give us a reason to love or hate them. When the Marines were getting whacked in the end, I didn't feel for them one way or the other.
   
-With so many military characters, give their ranks when discussing them in descriptive paragraphs even after first introducing them. I had to keep going back to see who was who.

DIALOGUE:
   
-This is the best part of your screenplay. It was believable and it flowed.
   
-Get rid of initial words when writing dialogue. The rule of thumb I use is 'Is the first word really necessary?' Say it without the first word to see if it sounds better. Believe me, it works. Take a look.

                   
                   MORRIS
         Is this your first time in Iraq, Private?

                   MORRIS
This your first time in Iraq, Private?  (sounds better)

Also,

                   MORRIS
         Oh well, let me give you...

                   MORRIS
         Let me give you one piece of advice...
               (sounds better)

-Last, when writing numbers in dialogue, spell the numbers out. (Pg 36)

                   SANDERS
         F-one, Fox-three.                    

Otherwise your dialogue is pretty darn good. Especially for someone not being in the military!

TECHNICAL:
   
-Capitalize all sounds, first introduction to important vehicles, things (i.e.: APACHE HELICOPTER, BOWIE KNIFE, etc.) Also, capitalize first introduction to characters even if they don't have names. (i.e.: INSURGENTS, YOUNG MEN, etc.)
   
-On page 16, Tyson refers to Jones as 'Sir'. Enlisted men do not refer to other enlisted men as 'sir'. Only officers.
                   
                   JONES
         Tyson?

                   TYSON
         Sir.

                   JONES
         Educate Private West on patrol protocol.

                   TYSON
         Yes, Sir. Private?

                   WEST
         Yes, Sergeant?
-Pg. 3

Humvees wouldn't be 'flying' through the campsite without the driver's getting screamed at. Inside the camp it is very controlled (usually).

West's age was already stated.

-You frequently say 'everyone' did such and such. (i.e.: 'Everyone jumps to attention.') I would state specifically who is doing what. The Marines or The insurgents, etc.

-DO NOT USE 'We see', 'we follow', etc. Avoid these terms at all cost. Everything should be present tense, action verbs.

-Pg 5.
'We see a very crowded street in downtown Baghdad...'

Change this to:
EXT. BAGHDAD AIRPORT/HUMVEE � DAY

A crowded street. A thin layer of dust covers everything...

You've already established the location. It�s redundant to say it again.

-Pg. 24
I don't think Tyson and West would've missed movement like that. If they did, the Captain would have chewed their asses. It's a serious offense to miss movement.

-Pg. 27
Was West's dialogue a VO? It sounded as if it were meant to be.
An Officer would in no way call a subordinate a 'Faggot' in front of a group of Marines.


-Pg. 28
Change 'First Expeditionary' to 'One MEF' in Jones's dialogue.

-Pg. 30
I don't think you can eject from an Apache. I may be wrong but the rotor blades may be a factor.

Marines call their 'Medic', 'Doc'.

-Pg. 33
Pilots always call each other by their call signs. They don't call each other 'Marine'.

-Pg. 34
What does 'pasted out' mean?

-Pg. 45
Platoons usually have a 'Doc' with them.


-Pg. 49
'West squeezes the trigger and just holds down.'  I wasn't sure if West was carrying an M-16 here or not. If so, they can only do 3-round burst max. Only Saw's and 60's can free-fire.

Also,
'...hands move toward his last grenade but suddenly stops.'  Why? I assume it's because Jones is below. This isn�t clear.

-Pg. 51
What is a 'technical'

-Pg. 52
The Marines wouldn't leave the other marines behind as the place is being bombed.

Last, there are a few typos throughout. Not many, but a few. As you go through to make these corrections, look for misspellings.


                   

Review from Wesley:

Spoilers







A mammoth C-140 troop transport lumbers through the clouds…? What? Maybe it's because I'm not in the army or something but that just sounds weird to me.

You seem to have become acquainted with this WE SEE kind of writing, although it does help you (The writer) tell the story it makes me (The reader) feel as if you don't think I can understand the story without your social commentary.

On Page 3 – A King Scorpion falls out his left boot – Just a small suggestion here. Add in the word of.

I don't believe you're supposed to tell us in Wolf's description about his accent but I guess since you have to get it across somehow think about putting it as a parenthetical the first few times he speaks. I also notice every time you introduce a new character you give us those can't show don't tell descriptions that in most cases are considered as filler.

On page 7 – On of your sentences got screwed up – When the old man says Mount Dew, you buy. The next line West gets a little frustrated is the next line of dialogue instead of an action if you know what I mean.

On Page 8 – He checks he watch.  Simple mistake and even easier to fix.

On Page 12 – The same thing as on page 7 after WEST says Sir, yes, sir! Jones begins walking down the stairs as dialogue ha-ha

Leon Kennedy? Isn't that a Resident Evil character? Or am I reading to much into it ha-ha

The only problem I seem to have so far is that other than West every character is forgettable which I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing for you as the writer.

On Page 19 – When West tell him to help Tyson the next line of action is blended into the dialogue once again. Just so you know.

On Page 20 – After they find Tyson under the chair he says How he is instead of How is he. Small mistake but easy to fix.

Is this true? About the Iraqi women being hookers for Americans? To me this seems a bit exploitative of the war to get laid and basically if they don't do it what would the soldiers with guns do? I don't know, I'm not in the army.

On page 26 the insurgent dead was really well constructed ha-ha you split him in half though I don't know how common or believable it is but I guess it works for entertainment value.

On Page 27 Jones talks about the hospital but his dialogue is broken up and is made into action instead of dialogue.

On Page 32 – Jones turns around in shock. It is also blended into the dialogue. Also West walks up is blended into Tyson's dialogue on the same page.

On Page 34 – Rolland and West talk but a few spelling errors here… You wrote for Rolland As I pulled the trigger, I watched the life flood from their eyes. Shouldn't that be something else? To me that reads wrong. AND West says on the next line I now instead of I Know. Just a few minors but good to know for you as the writer I think anyway.

On page 35 – Sanders name and dialogue are as actions instead of dialogue and character headings.

You know when Sanders is taken hostage I find it really hard to care or believe after he killed two guys that they wouldn't kill him. I can't care because you didn't really give us much with him and well the short time I knew him I've forgot about him by now.

On Page 38 – Jones tells the guys about Sander but I notice a few spelling mistakes in here so just read that first sentence on page 38 and you'll see what I mean.


The interrogation of Sanders is a really brutal real gritty take and it's very compelling to make you care for this character. Good storytelling here Mr. Nixon, this is a great scene and should be awarded for being so raw and good.

The scene where Tyson dies is eerily familiar to the one in Saving Private Ryan… Is that an influence or a coincidence?

I want to say that when you killed off about 70% of the characters I was a little shocked as we just got to know them a little bit.

I also think that you have way too many mistakes and they aren't your mistakes but when you converted this it made mistakes which seems easy to see if you read-through it once you converted it.

At the end of the day this is one of the most raw, gritty masterpieces I've ever read and at the same time it will never make it anywhere beyond the internet because it is so raw and gritty. I'm always honest with people and when I say it's a masterpiece I mean that it is really well written and has a lot of appeal if you're not squeamish or anything like that.

With the mistakes fixed this is probably the best PILOT I've ever read for a series, it even surpasses Banana Chan's pilot on my list and that's hard to do… If you're able to keep it up at tis rate I fear I might lose more of an audience to you ha-ha

Oh and you forgot to mention that my review has spoilers (A major one that kind of reveals major plot points and the ending)

I also have a question for you about the series... Do you watch a lot of war movies? That would explain your series and why it is just so real.

Quoted from Old Time Wesley I also have a question for you about the series... Do you watch a lot of war movies? That would explain your series and why it is just so real.

Yeah, but generally the older movies, like the Longest Day and Tora! Tora! Tora!.  But I'm also a fan of newer stuff like Band of Brothers and Saving Private Ryan.

-Zavier

Hi all,

The next episode is up, also the new Expect No Mercy website is up and running. You can check it out here.

-Zavier

To those that care (hopefully someone does.)

I’m nearing completion of the next episode. Hopefully it will be up by the end of the month. Returning to school has really dampened my eagerness to write, all my attention has been focused towards homework.  But Expect No Mercy will continue.

-Zavier

Awesome, I'm still trying to find time to read episode 2, Hopefully this weekend as I want to read Purgatory, this and another script which I have saved but forgot the name of.

The thing about this series that nothing else can compare is that it feels real. Sure other scripts may be "better" but not as real, this could never be on television though as it is just too real but I think if you wrote a film version you could sell it just like that.

Saving Private Ryan couldn't hold a candle to the feature length version of Expect No Mercy... In My Opinion of course.

Hey Z, weren't you going to do a Halloween episode of this or something?

What's up with that one?  Or am I thinking of something else?

Quoted from bert Hey Z, weren't you going to do a Halloween episode of this or something?

Yeah, unfortunately school has robbed me of most of my time, so it might not be done in time, but it will be done. I am hoping to have the first season done before the end of the year (since the last episode of this season is Christmas related).

-Zavier

Possible Spoilers.









Being interrogated about the events of episode 1? That’s actually an interesting idea for the second episode.

Can you be cut in half by bullets? I actually don’t know.

When West has that bad dream you tell us in the description he is leaving, you told us something that getting dressed tells us ha-ha

So he sleeps with a hooker? Then you reveal that she’s kind of not a hooker yet ha-ha but he didn’t pay her did he? I think it’s very convenient that he was her first, seems a little unbelievable.

On page 11 - after he lets her out of the humvee she says “Who you like to come in”

On page 12 - Zahrah says “That’s is Muhammad” Pretty straight forward, right?

On page 14 - his roommate is Rather sort for a marine huh? Sorry, a little review humor. SHORT is what you meant I think. Oh and I love his rommmates name, it’s also the name of the lead singer of my favorite band ha-ha

On page 15 - Sheppard says “Bad new is that who will not be returning to Charlie Company” Small mistake but thought you’d like to know.

On page 17 - He clothes bloody… next line - He chaos surrounds him…

On page 18 – He jabs a needle into West’s forename ha-ha umm did you write this episode fast or something?

The whole letter and dying of Miller seems like you wanted us to genuinely care for the character but I didn’t feel anything as he didn’t really get much screen time before his death.

Beautiful follow up to the best series pilot I’ve ever read, since the series isn’t 40 pages as I thought it was I might read more episodes sooner than later.

I stand by my statement in the previous post saying that a feature length version of this series could be better than Saving Private Ryan (The so called best war film) Good job and even though you don’t have that big of an audience keep going because it gets better.

Thanks for the read.

All those small and annoying mistakes were partially due to my mind-set at the time “quantity not quality”. But since then things have changed and the “quality” as improved and the “quantity” has been lowered dramatically (about one episode a month).

The next episode is up, also thanks for all the votes on the Top Sites contest; Expect No Mercy is now at Number 3!

-Zavier

The next episode is nearing completion; hopefully it will be up soon. Also I've finished a rewrite of the third episode, which will most likely go up with the next new episode.

-Zavier :)

A revision of the fifth episode has been posted. Due to time constraints brought on by school, everything else is on hold.  I predict a mid-december return, but my timetables are often inaccurate. Thanks to Don for getting the revision up.

-Zavier

Episode 3 - Back To School

Possible Spoilers



I notice you still describe your characters a little bit too visual and that's supposed to be shown and not told, I guess it's all up to you and if you want to keep it in.

When Shepard comes back to Powell and tells him that they need assistance his dialogue says assistant which means something else.

And I also noticed you using We see a lot in this episode which is a no no.

Johnny Cash songs in Iraq? It fits like a glove and not the O.J. one either. You could also have a Christmas special with WWE Wrestling in Iraq as they come over their every year ha-ha

On page 8 - Its dominated my a number of small tables... Simple fixer upper.

Okay here's a small problem I would like to discuss, if West knew it was a trap can he not refuse to go or relieve Powell of his post or go back to the Major because it just seems as if in war time these things could be done and not lead soldiers to their slaughter like that especially with incompetent people in charge.

You tell me, I'm not a marine.

On Page 11 - After Sanders gets home. Sanders sits a recliner. Again simple but thought I'd mention it, not sure if you've fixed it or anything.

I like the cut from the hell to the happy father going home a hero and then back to the hell. It's almost a perfect cut... Possibly one of the best I've ever seen in film or TV or unproduced screenplays.

On Page 12 - Mack says We'll who do we send... Self explanatory.

On page 13 - Mack says Your the fastest... You are or you're the fastest is the word.

Oddly enough you'd think a war series would become repetitive and boring and even though they seem to do the same stuff different day every time I still think it works pretty well.

I love the episode and all but this brings me to your revelation on your website about the future and without spoiling anything to big I hope that eventually before the end of the season West becomes a Captain of his own troop as he just feels like a born leader and not a follower as he has been.

Overall I look forward to reading the next few episodes, I have been reading them slowly mostly because during the week I'm exhausted and have no time to even write my own stuff so my bad man I really love the series though and think it has an untapped potential to be better than Saving Private Ryan if you ever decide to write a feature version even if it's just parts of the series taken and made into a film.

I’ve just submitted the next episode, which is entitled “Judgment”. Hopefully it will be up with the next batch of scripts. I’ll be spending the next week in California, so no new episodes for a while. But I’ll finally get to read a lot of your guy’s scripts. I’ve compiled a list of about ten scripts that I want to read, look out for some reviews this weekend.

-Zavier

Thanks to Don for getting the new episode up so quickly. Hopefully the next episode entitled “Born Killa” will be up within the next week. It’s a collaborative effort between a few of my classmates and myself.

-Zavier  

As of right now this is how the rest of the season looks like.  I've decided on ten episodes this season, that number will probably grow next season.

-Born Killa
While escorting a captured Insurgent to Abu Ghraib prison, West's convoy is attacked and their armored Stryker is heavily damaged trapping West and the Insurgent inside, alone. Can West survive in close quarters with some one who is bent on completing his jihad?

-Hell on Earth
West and the fire-team are on patrol when they come under heavy attack. They escape into desert were they find horrors worst than anything they could have imagined. Tormented by evils of unimaginable terror, each member stumbles out into the vast desert to face their own personal hell.

-Rehabilitation
While the fire-team recovers from their ordeal in the desert, their hospital is attacked by Insurgents. Now they must fend off heavily armed terrorists who are bent on massacring everyone in the defenseless hospital.  

-Silent Night
The season final, I don't want to give much away but I will say this; this episode turns everything upside down.

-Zavier

Possible Spoilers

Episode 4 "Quiet and Nasty" Review



You still have a tendency to write things that describe emotions and use WE SEE, I’m not sure if you need them or if you just use them because you have no other way to get these things across.

I guess my dreams came true and we were thinking alike in that West gets command of his own team ha-ha finally.

Five men to secure an entire village? I’m not sure if that’s realistic but it might be.

Shepard actually doesn’t tell him he can have anybody in Fox, he said the best meaning they already had them picked so you might have to clear that up in Shepard’s earlier dialogue.

On Page 11 – Zahrah struggles, but is knock unconscious. They men wrap duck-tape over her mouth… 3 problems here, it’s knocked, the and duct not duck ha-ha

I love when people are hit by cars, I never thought I’d see it in a war series but that’s classic man… CLASSIC.

I think the quality of the series keeps rising as you didn’t have too much action in this one. In fact very little and yet I still thought it was very well done. Oh and the character building and dialogue are really well done for this type of series, I don't tell you that often but it's true.

So what did Mack really do to him? Or will you leave it to the imagination.

Thanks for another read.

Quoted from Old Time Wesley Five men to secure an entire village? I'm not sure if that's realistic but it might be.

Maybe my descriptions were misleading. It's not really that big of a village, five buildings all together, not that big. And the village actually exists; I search for about an hour on Google Earth (great program) for the right looking village that suited my needs.

Quoted from Old Time Wesley Shepard actually doesn't tell him he can have anybody in Fox, he said the best meaning they already had them picked so you might have to clear that up in Shepard's earlier dialogue.

Will fix.

Quoted from Old Time Wesley On Page 11 ' Zahrah struggles, but is knock unconscious. They men wrap duck-tape over her mouth' 3 problems here, it's knocked, the and duct not duck ha-ha

lol, the "duck" is an inside joke between my friends at school that read the series and myself. I meant to take that out before I submitted to SS. The other issues will be fixed in the next draft.  

Quoted from Old Time Wesley So what did Mack really do to him? Or will you leave it to the imagination.

I'm leaving that to the imagination of the reader, but think lots of blood and a combat knife.

What you could do before Mack dies because they all die eventually is show quick cuts of that death like in From Dusk Till Dawn when George Clooney comes back and Qt has just brutally killed that girl they took hostage.

I think that's a classic scene in cinema... The quick cuts from the gore and the actual scene not actually showing it but leaving it to your imagination. I guess since it's already written and he might die in the next 2 ep's it would be hard to do this now without actually going back in or watching the film but anyway.

I understand I used to spell it and say it as duck tape, nobody is perfect but sometimes the quality of something can be.

That would be on your poster "We all die... eventually" ha-ha I just expect Mack to call the enemies pansies right before he dies for no other reason than it just seems like he's too strong to admit he cares.

Spoilers Ahead

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Yeah, Mack’s demise will happen sooner than later, in fact it’s in the latest episode. I think it will surprise people as its not the guns blazing, go out with all barrels firing death that most people would expect.    

-Zavier

I must say that this is a fine piece of writing you have here. I have just finished episode 1. It is great, no silly dialogue, you know your stuff, the descriptions are great.

You do have a problem. Sometimes the dialogue will be in a description. Sometimes there is a description in the dialogue. I'm sure someone has already pointed that out, but I'm just telling you what I think.

SPOILER

Everyone died? Is West the only main character? Or are more of the main characters introduced to us later in the series?

END OF SPOILER

You've caught my attention enough to make me want to read the second episode. I'll get to that within a week. I've got two feature lengths to read.

This was an excellent beginning to an excellent story.

Good luck with future episodes. I look forward to reading the rest.

spoilers ahead
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Thanks for the read.

Quoted from BigBadBrian You do have a problem. Sometimes the dialogue will be in a description. Sometimes there is a description in the dialogue. I'm sure someone has already pointed that out, but I'm just telling you what I think.

Yeah, this has been mentioned before and will eventually be corrected. The draft that is up right now is already a major revision from the original piece. When putting the original piece into Final Draft to correct the format those errors appeared.

Quoted from BigBadBrian Everyone died? Is West the only main character? Or are more of the main characters introduced to us later in the series?

Not everyone died, but the majority of the supporting characters did. West is the only main character at this point but that might change. As you read the next few episodes you'll see that more characters are introduced and they stick around longer.

Thanks again for the read.

-Zavier

I've been writing the latest episode with Zavier, "Born Killa". It's nearing completion and since he has decided to push on with Divine, that leaves me with the task of completing the episode. None of my scripts are up yet, but you’ll soon see I have a habit for writing very violent scenes.

Cheers!

Quoted from MegaC None of my scripts are up yet, but you’ll soon see I have a habit for writing very violent scenes.

He isn't lying; I've actually had to edit some of his descriptions. Everything else is dynamite. This episode should be up sooner than later.

-Zavier

The next episode entitled "Born Killer" has just been submitted and should be up with the next batch. This was a collaboration between my classmate Chris Kuehl and myself, the first of its kind for ENM. Hope you all enjoy it.

-Zavier

I've started a revision of the first episode. I'm splitting it in two and adding some content that was left out of the original episode.

This is basically my attempt to get my early work up to par with the current episodes. I hadn’t looked at the first episode in several months and I'm actually finding "We see" and "The camera shows".

Should be done in a few weeks.

-Zavier

Thanks Don, for getting the new episode up. The revision for the first episode is almost finished, expect it soon. The next new episode is at least a month away. The second season will hopefully be up before the sun dies out, but with my schedule that looks doubtful.    

-Zavier

“The Recoil Review” Possible Spoilers

Before I start I must say your signature “Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.” Is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read as it pertains to this new wave of Chuck Norris being the man.

Once you finish season 1 I think you should start a petition or contact HBO because this series would work really well on television. It would have people saying “Band of Brothers? Saving Private Ryan? Expect No Mercy is the best war story ever told.” I don’t think me saying that is really all that reassuring for lack of a better term as I hold no high position but I’d bank money on a raw great series than another boring by the book sitcom like Everybody loves Raymond where they deal with the same situations 300 shows before it did.

On Page 6 – 7 - A oil covered mechanic… Is it not An oil covered mechanic?

On page 14 – 15 – He eyes slowly start to. Pretty self explanatory.

On page 16 – 17 – He loosed his balance and collapses. I think you meant losses.

Same page – He face emotes a terrible rage and sadness. Next line it’s also he instead of his. So this was a twofer.

On page 17 – 18 – A unconscious Muhammad. Again I think it’s An unconscious…

When Muhammad is begging for his life and says “God, please no” you should have West say something to the effect of “God’s not watching” or something. I don’t know it just seems like “Bye” is a little weak given the circumstances.

Again another stellar episode that raises the bar and has me wondering how this comes out of you, sometimes I feel like I’m reading the work of a 65 year old war veteran who knows the raw side instead of the happy happy joy joy American portrait of war.

I love the Sanders, Mack and West sub plots… They are something in Season 2 with new characters you should add more of because sub plots lighten the raw feel and make the episodes so much more than just a war story. I almost shed a tear and cheered when a few things happened during this episode.

If it were on video it might be a different story.

Thanks for another read Wesley. Possible spoilers ahead

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Quoted from Old Time Wesley Before I start I must say your signature �Chuck Norris doesn�t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.� Is one of the funniest things I�ve ever read as it pertains to this new wave of Chuck Norris being the man.

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

Quoted from Old Time Wesley On Page 6 � 7 - A oil covered mechanic� Is it not An oil covered mechanic? On page 14 � 15 � He eyes slowly start to. Pretty self explanatory. On page 16 � 17 � He loosed his balance and collapses. I think you meant losses. Same page � He face emotes a terrible rage and sadness. Next line it�s also he instead of his. So this was a twofer. On page 17 � 18 � A unconscious Muhammad. Again I think it�s An unconscious�

Thanks for catching these. Hopefully I'll have some time for a revision sooner rather than later and get them corrected.

Quoted from Old Time Wesley When Muhammad is begging for his life and says �God, please no� you should have West say something to the effect of �God�s not watching� or something. I don�t know it just seems like �Bye� is a little weak given the circumstances.

Yeah, I glanced over the scene again and agree. I'll have to mess around with the dialogue and find something better.

Quoted from Old Time Wesley Again another stellar episode that raises the bar and has me wondering how this comes out of you, sometimes I feel like I�m reading the work of a 65 year old war veteran who knows the raw side instead of the happy happy joy joy American portrait of war.

I guess it can all be traced back to research, which I do a lot of before writing anything down.

Quoted from Old Time Wesley I love the Sanders, Mack and West sub plots� They are something in Season 2 with new characters you should add more of because sub plots lighten the raw feel and make the episodes so much more than just a war story.

Some of these sub-plots are ending within the next few episodes, a few are just taking a break and new ones will be forming just in time for the second season.

Thanks again for the read.

-Zavier

Hello Zavier, I am here to read Expect No Mercy!!! I'll have a review for episode 1 up sometime within the next few days.

Sounds good, I look forward to your comments.  :)

-Zavier

"Judgment" Review Possible Spoilers.



I don’t enjoy seeing Mack this way but it gives a picture of what war can do to even the strongest and how they try to hold on if not for their Country but for sheer pride. That’s why I love war films; Enemy at the Gates has this scene where Commisar Danilov basically gives his life to flesh out the sniper so their sniper could kill him.

Powerful shit and unexpected as well which is why it’s so good.

And now we go to the basic training, when I said you should and you said you already have ha-ha.

On page 16 – 17 Hanson pulls reaches… Pulls shouldn’t be in there.

Same page – Also know as Diazepam – known as

Spelling errors on the word you’re because you spell it your which means something totally different.

Great ending and great lead-up, if you keep the quality this high you just might emerge as one of the better story tellers in SimplyScripts history. In fact only two guys come to mind that are ahead of you. One is George; the other is not on this website because he’s chasing the dream.

Without spoiling you mold drama and war so well but I feel that with the ending I know is coming, not just West but Season 2 and new faces it seems that you’re not even sure if you can end the war or just keep it open forever kind of like 24.

(P.S. Do you want me to wait on your revisions of the next episode or read what's posted?)

Thanks for another read. Spoilers ahead.
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Quoted from Old Time Wesley I don�t enjoy seeing Mack this way but it gives a picture of what war can do to even the strongest and how they try to hold on if not for their Country but for sheer pride.

The whole Mack thing was basically trying to keep the series true to the "no one is safe" mentality.
  

Quoted from Old Time Wesley And now we go to the basic training, when I said you should and you said you already have ha-ha.

The basic training scenes were actually the first thing I ever wrote for this series. The story and concept then went through a total revision and everything was changed. I kept this scene saved just in case and it ended up in this episode.  

Quoted from Old Time Wesley In fact only two guys come to mind that are ahead of you. One is George...

Yeah, I totally agree, now that I finally have finished the first installment of Fempiror.

Quoted from Old Time Wesley (P.S. Do you want me to wait on your revisions of the next episode or read what's posted?)

Yeah, go ahead and wait. It will be worth it.

-Zavier

Hey Zavier:  I wanted to read another one of these so it doesn't get completely buried by -- well, you know.  This is a powerful series that deserves more looks than it is getting, I think.

General Comment to Anybody:  This series would be a great way to kill some time during the lockdown, by the way.  You could do lots, lots worse.

Comments here are for the most recent episode, as I wanted to see what was up with you and the new guy.  This one, like the others I've read, is quality stuff that has very little "fat" to it.  I was also pleased to find the formatting up to snuff.

(SPOILERS)

*  Tell us where the bullet hit Saied. And do they really shoot at these guys?  Isn't there a risk of detonation?  And then you say he is "dying" -- but he isn't -- in fact, he remains capable of quite a bit of mayhem against some pretty tough guys given his "wounded" condition, I think.  All the more reason to let us know where this bullet strikes him.
*  Page 5:  Take away the (beat) from West.  You don't need it.  And another on page 6.  And on page 12!  Agh...stop it!  You use these very, very sparingly -- if you even use them at all -- and you probably shouldn't.  But the most annoying instances are when he isn't even talking at all.  If he isn't saying anything, then a "beat" in his dialogue has no meaning.
*  Haji-Jerky.  Funny -- and I don't even know what it means.
*  Page 10:  Don't cut West off.  What was he going to say?
*  I never sensed good things for Saied anyway, you know?
*  I like West's final line -- even if it did have one of those infernal beats.

I might have skipped a few episodes, but I can still see that this is maturing into something really great.  But I still have the same problem I had with earlier episodes, and that is that everybody surrounding West -- almost without exception -- meets some horrible end.  He is like a curse, this guy.  But I do sense that West was removed from his usual surroundings in this one, so maybe I am mistaken about that.  A little.

I do hope to dip back into these from time to time -- as time permits.  You are doing a good job.

And I am still waiting for that Halloween episode, by the way.

Thanks for the read Bert,  Possible Spoilers ahead
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Quoted from bert I wanted to read another one of these so it doesn't get completely buried by -- well, you know.

You mean, by the juggernaut of a series that is Starbuck Starr? lol

Quoted from bert This is a powerful series that deserves more looks than it is getting

This is basically my fault. School leaves little time for me to read other peoples work, so I am not really expecting any favors (reads). Hopefully this will all change this summer.

Quoted from bert *  Tell us where the bullet hit Saied. And do they really shoot at these guys?  Isn't there a risk of detonation?  And then you say he is "dying" -- but he isn't -- in fact, he remains capable of quite a bit of mayhem against some pretty tough guys given his "wounded" condition, I think.  All the more reason to let us know where this bullet strikes him.

A valid point, this will be included in the revision.

Quoted from bert *  Page 5:  Take away the (beat) from West.  You don't need it.  And another on page 6.  And on page 12!  Agh...stop it!  You use these very, very sparingly -- if you even use them at all -- and you probably shouldn't.  But the most annoying instances are when he isn't even talking at all.  If he isn't saying anything, then a "beat" in his dialogue has no meaning.

    ZAVIER
(beat)
I'll fix this.

Quoted from bert *  Haji-Jerky.  Funny -- and I don't even know what it means.

A nickname the Marines have for the remains of suicide bombers.

Quoted from bert But I still have the same problem I had with earlier episodes, and that is that everybody surrounding West -- almost without exception -- meets some horrible end.  He is like a curse, this guy.

I like this element of the series. No one is safe, but if you eventually get around to the previous episodes (3-6), you'll notice that a regular cast emerges.

Quoted from bert But I do sense that West was removed from his usual surroundings in this one, so maybe I am mistaken about that.  A little.

He was.

Quoted from bert And I am still waiting for that Halloween episode, by the way.

Thats the next one.

Thanks for the read Bert, I'll return the favor, but a few people are in front of you.

-Zavier

Quoted from Nixon Thanks for the read Bert, I'll return the favor, but a few people are in front of you.

Don't worry about it...I would rather you and Wesley spend your time on the highly anticipated sequel to "Stoned Patriots".

I love that concept.  Work on developing those characters and it might even become a franchise of sorts.

I liked it. It was quite hard to understand, though. But that's my bad, because the army isn't my area of expertise. But, it has some gripping plots. Good job.

Quoted from bert General Comment to Anybody:  This series would be a great way to kill some time during the lockdown, by the way.  You could do lots, lots worse.

Wise words. But anyway, things have been moving kind of slow since work started on Stoned Patriots II, but hopefully the new episode should be done sooner rather than later, along with a revision of the last episode.

And thanks for the read DOM.

-Zavier

I'll wait for the revision of the last episode like you said because I'd like to read it when you're proud of it... That's when you know it'll be good.

I kind of feel like kicking my own ass because it is partly my fault that I have to wait longer for episode 7 of ENM.

But anyways, Bert was right this series does need hundreds more reads because when the demand is high you are forced to write episodes faster.

So, any plans for an Episode 8? Or if that's it, maybe a second season?

Yeah, there are plans for episode eight, the plan was to have ten episodes for the first season then start on a second season. When this will happen? I honestly have no idea, and seem like no one really cares but you and one other loyal reader (Wesley).

It is my hope to get some new episodes done, but at the rate I kick out episodes; the war might be over before Except No Mercy sees a second season.

Anyway, thanks for reminding me about this and getting me depressed.

-Zavier

Is the revision up yet? I'm a loyal reader to a few series and yet none updated much after  awhile so I'm sitting here pulling my hair out wondering why they torture me so.

Quoted from Old Time Wesley Is the revision up yet?

Nope, not yet but it is done. I'll submit it soon and hopefully it will be up with the next batch of scripts. Then it is back to writing about the founding father and a magical talking bong.  ;)

-Zavier

EPISODE 1 REVIEW: PART 1

I haven't read any of the other reviews for this script, so forgive me if I say something that’s already been said.

I'm writing this as I read:




*********SPOILERS**********(I THINK)

BEFORE YOU READ: When I say "PAGE 1," I don't mean the title page. I start page count on the first page of the script, just in case you were wondering.


PAGE 1) I'm not going to point out everyone on every page, but there were a few "We" in here that should be taken out.



PAGE 2)
"West is jolted out of bed." I'm not sure if that’s how you intended for it to be or what, but I think it should be "West jolts up out of bed."
Also, when you want to superimpose text on the screen, you don't have to center the text and most of the time you only write "SUPER:" The way you've got it written down in the center is sort of sloppy. Well, to me anyway.


PAGE 5)
I noticed that when Connelly stops and points and the tank, you said "a huge M-1 Abrams Tanks blocks that blocks the entire road." I think the S in TANKS should be gone since there is only one tank.


PAGE 6)
There is a bit of a dialogue-run-on with an action.

OLD MAN
Mount Dew, you buy. West gets a
little frustrated.

The "West gets a little frustrated" needs to be broken away from the dialogue. No big deal.


PAGE 7)
There is a "camera" on this page when the Humvee drives by Baghdad highway. That shouldn’t be there. Try not to use camera directions or “we sees” ever.


PAGE 11)
Another dialogue-run-on with an action.

WEST
Sir, yes, sir! Jones begins walking down the stairs.


PAGE 15)

You wrote "West stars out the window.' Just replace stars with stares.

PAGE 17)
“They jumps to their feet,” should be “They jump to their feet,”


PAGE 18)

Another run on with the dialogue and action.

WEST
I'm alright. Help Ty- Tyson. Jones'
eyes widen as he puts together what
West is trying to say.


END PART 1

I’ll have to finish up my review later. I’ve got things to do so I don’t have much time to write these things.

I’ll write more on what I liked and didn’t like in PART 2.

-Chris

Thanks for the partial review; I look forward to the other half. Most of the mistakes you've pointed out so far have already been correct, I just need to submit the revision (if I can find it in the mess that is "My Documents"). Thanks again for the review.


-Zavier  

In this part of the review I figured I'd just tell you what I liked/didn't like since you already have a revision and typo's might have all ready been corrected.

Here it goes.

PLOT: The story to this series is a lot better than most war series on telivision today. So far it's very interesting and kept me on the edge of my seat. The opening scene was great! I thought West had really died! Phew. He woke up. There isn't much to improve when it comes to plot, so I'll let this part stop here.

FINAL PLOT GRADE: 9/10

CHARACTERS: The characters in this were really well developed and I felt like I really knew them by the end. I felt every bit of emotion the characters were feeling. The opening scene was a really great way to introduce us to West and let us know how fast he could die, keeping us on the edge of our seats for him to really die. lol.

FINAL CHARACTER GRADE: 10/10

PACING: The pacing was also good. It didn't seem to fast or to slow to me and as I said before, it kept me waiting on the edge of my seat. Man...I really wish there was more to nit pick about...

FINAL PACING GRADE: 10/10

DIALOGUE: This part was OK. It wasn't bad but wasn't perfect either. If you go back to revise anything else, you may want to consider looking over the dialogue a bit just to sharpen things up. And wow! Soldiers cuss a lot, but that won't affect my rating of dialogue.

FINAL DIALOGUE RATING: 7/10


OVERALL SCORE: 90/100

All in all, this is one of the better series on the boards. I liked it very much and will move on to episode 2 as soon as I get a chance.

-Chris

I've decided that there will only be one season of Expect No Mercy. After the planned ten episodes are finished, that will be it. At the rate episodes are posted right now, the war (or occupation, whatever the hell you want to call it) will be over before I get to a second season.

-Zavier

Quoted from Nixon I've decided that there will only be one season of Expect No Mercy.

On the EpiGuide for E.N.M, there's a section for Season One & Two.

Quoted from DOM On the EpiGuide for E.N.M, there's a section for Season One & Two.

I haven't updated the site since early december of last year. I'll delete that section later today.

-Zavier

Well, I just finished up the second episode and figured I'd try to write you a review but I might not be able to make it a long one...for now. I'll edit it later if I have to.

So far, this as been a good series. I'm sad that there won't be a second season, but I guess you gotta do what you gotta do.

This reminded me very much of an episode of Law & Order or something.

Oh yeah, while I'm thinking about it, what is the address to your Expect no Mercy web site??

Anyway, another great episode Nixon. I don't have many gripes at all. And why don't you have a 5-star format rating? Everything seemed OK to me.

-Chris

PS: Sorry I didn't offer much help. I don't have much time and will have to edit this when I post my review of the second episode.

-Chris again.

Quoted from FilmMaker06 Oh yeah, while I'm thinking about it, what is the address to your Expect no Mercy web site?

Thanks for the review. You can find the site here.

-Zavier

EDIT:

Also, it seems the EpiGuide Vote is up and running again. Your votes would be appreciated.

I started to read your script and realized that you don't have any idea what marines are about. If a marine pointed thier gun and another there would at least be a lot of cussing and maybe some ass kicking.  sorry, but you lost credibility from the get go.  Write what you know.

Thanks for starting to read this. Could you be more specific with what part you found to be inaccurate? Even though I haven't touched this series in over a year, I'd be interested in hearing someones opinion that has a military background. Or does your username refer to that one Kurt Russel film?  

Quoted from captainron47 Write what you know.

Research was done. These stories weren't just plastered together from what I thought happens over there. Unfortunately I can’t get every detail right. Maybe I should enlist?

Your dialog is off. It does not ring true