Conspiracy HIV by Izzy - Thriller - Young College student, Kion Wilson creates a cure for HIV, the CIA wants him and his work elimnated. Agent Michael and agent Jason are out on the case.  - pdf, format 8)

SPOILER SPACE, OKAY?




Your formatting is off here, Izzy.  

When describing the action in a script, you are supposed to write only what is filmed by the camera.    You write a lot of background information that t he camera can't record:

On page one, you introduce the main character, Kion, as "a fifteen year old working on his masters degree....created and tested the first and only cure for (AIDS).  How would the camera record all this information when all we see is a teenager lying on the floor with a gunshot would?

Later on, you describe Jason Ballard as 'a seasoned CIA agent.  He's been around for a long time and looks like retirement is only a couple of blocks away.'  Same problem here.  How is the camera suppopsed to record this when all the guy has done is walk in a room?

When writing narrative, you only describe what the camera sees, not what you (as the writer) knows.

The  story is pretty far-fetched, and I'm not even talking about a fifteen year old finding a cure for HIV.  I'm letting that slide.  The fact that this kid took a police radio and barricaded himself in the building is a little far-fetched.  The fact that the police are still using the radio, knowing that he is listening in is very far-fetched.  Especially when they announce that the 'assassins' have arrived.

Why would Michael suddenly have guilt, moments after shooting Kion?  He had no problem doing it.  No hesitatioin.  Seconds after the fact, he feels guilt for shooting him.

Then he realizes that he didn't shoot him but Jason did?  The guy doesn't know if his gun went off?

This story would be better off as a feature.  You crammed too much into ten pages and left too much out.


Phil

I agree with everything dogglebe says, with extra emphasis on the part about giving us background information we don't have.  The general rule for screenplay writing is "show it, don't tell it".  Show us that he has invented a cure for HIV, maybe by labeling it or showing the words on the screen as he works on it.