Zest by Ben Padgett (bigwhoop) - Short, Drama - A man deals with the suicide of his wife. (rewrite of Carnation Street) 9 pages  - doc, format 8)

Even though the dialouge was not the best, i will still give this a shot to read. (No spoilers within)

In your written descriptions you tell the description of something and then say 'I mean he was..." I don't think it would be a good idea to use that type of thing. Just take that out and replace it with 'He was...' It would work much better.

Another thing about your written descriptions is you have many errors in it. These errors range from spelling to missing words. An idea for you to fix this is to maybe read it over before you submit it and correct many as you can. It's what i always do to catch the errors that Word(or whatever you use) misses.

Now to the characters, I'm sure someone else will review this and say the same thing. They just were not that good. Even though this is short (10 pages) you should at least explain the characters more. Make them more useful. Don't just throw them in for your story. Explore them a little.

The dialouge is also not that good. Say the dialouge to yourself when you write it. See if it sounds right.

Even though there are bad things (that you can fix, it is possible) there are some good things. You description first pulled me in your story so i read it. I was not totally disappointed but the best part of your story was the ending. There is no story without it and i think this was the best part of it.

I hope you find this review helpful for when you write your next script. Keep trying, you will get better and better.

thanks for the comments, what part of the ending idid you like, caus eim confused!

spoilers.














Henry's condition.

psychosis?

I think this concept has potential but the execution isn't quite there yet.

Your formatting is off, use Courier font, don't center your sluglines, center your dialogue etc.

My main problem with this is believability. The police wouldn't leave a kid in the custody of a man who was suspected of killing his mother. They say that it's obvious she stabbed herself but this simply isn't true.

The dialogue is a little stiff at times. The scene where the police interview Henry just doesn't ring true and ends very abruptly. You could remove the "You may go now" line and move on to the next scene.

I like what you did with the blood on the walls and Henry seeing a vision of Cody's disfigured body. You can remove the camera directions from your description here to make it a smoother read.

Having Judy read aloud from his file felt like an easy way out. You could have achieved this in dialogue with another officer. People very rarely read stuff out loud to themselves.

Overall, it's not a bad concept but it could use some work. I'd suggest trying to show more of Henry's condition rather than have people explain it to us.

thanks der speieelr. I wanted to take out rthe camera direction, but i like PoV shots. I reckon they make it alot more creepy.

The slugline is good, the concept is interesting, but the execution isn't up to par.  You need to explain your characters more.  Officer Judy was just thrown in there, she barely had a purpose.  Give them depth, that way the reader will appreciate them more.  Going back to execution, I was confused.  Cody's finger was cut and you see him writing on the walls..but then something else did it? See, I had no idea what was going on there.  And like Martin said, the cops wouldn't leave a child with a man who's suspected of killing his wife.  So work on those things and rewrite this and you could have a pretty good story.

This script has been updated. Read it again , i considered all the things you said and rewrite it.

Ben,

I just finished reading this, and in an effort to give comments that may be a little more insightful, I have started to take notes as I read, so I can post my suggestions and questions.









SPOILERS

First off, the :'s are unnecessary after the character names.

Some of your descriptions are missing or have added words, but this is something that can easily be taken care of in future reworks.

Judy hangs up the phone twice in a description

Based on the fact that the next scene is Henry waking up quickly, I'm assuming that the scene where he stabs Jena in the bed is a dream.  If so, it should be identified as such.  Also, we know this is in Henry's P.O.V. because of your description, but how would someone watching it know?  Perhaps add in a line where Jena wakes up and says "Henry", or something along those lines.  You get the drift.

Jena should be sliced with the razor, as I think it would be difficult to stab somebody with one, even a straight razor.

Why does the cut on Henry's neck grow bigger and bigger?

What does the carnation represent?  Why the axe?

These are just some questions I asked myself as I read this, maybe I missed something, but hopefully some of them help you out if you decide to rewrite.  I would also suggest trying to work on the dialogue a little as it seemed to  be lacking throughout.

Overall, I think you have a good story, just keep working on it until you have a great one.

Mike

The carnation represent Henry. Hes a complete psycho, so theres the axe. And the cut bleed profusely because he slit his neck; but ofcourse he's crazy so he sees it as a natural matter; likehe didn't do it (hence the cut).

I just finished this I have to say this is a good storyline, but, as everyone else said, there were some mistakes and the dialogue was kind of weak.

But overall, good script. Unless I missed something, why did Cody have a radio in his pocket?

Good luck on future scripts! :-)

Sean

There's a rewrite up, which drastically changes the plot and format (in a good way)

That has a weird ending ... or normal.  I'm not sure.  I don't typically read this sort of script.

So Cody's mother died, and Henry killed her ... and then Henry kills himself and Cody, and they still haunt the place?  I'm not sure, but I think that's what hapenned.  Why's it called Zest?  

I'm slightly confused by this, but I think that's why like it.  

Gave this one an updated read.  Overall it wasn't bad at all, but the ending confused me.

*Rather than "CAMERA TURNS" just say Henry turns.
*"Extremely DEAD" haha.  There's only one kind of dead, dude.  No need to beef it up.
*You don't need the AFTERNOON.  It's DAY.  Avoid using anything other than day/night unless you absolutely have to and in this I'm not seeing a reason for it.
*What's the deal with the bathroom? Kind of random

Again, the ending was weird.  Was it all an illusion or something? Cause Henry wasn't there anymore.  Maybe Cody thought it all up?  I don't know.  Your writing has improved tremendously though.  The story is okay, could be better, but your formatting, descriptions, even some of the dialogue is vastly better from last year.

So keep it up

Thanks Alan and Greg.

SPOILERS




Cody was dead alll along. Note how the polcie offficer refers to him in past tense.

Um . . . I tried to read your script but it seemed uncomplete. It is stated that the script is 9 pages long but the script I got had only 7 pages of writing.

What I did read was correctly formated so it was easy to read. The only problem I had was with the plot. It just seemed fragmented and messy and I was confused. Are there gaps missing in the script? Is this script getting a rewrite?

The first thing that threw me off was how Henry discover his wife dead for the first time and than have a three hour later flashback where the police are talking about dead wife. This baffled me as by the time Henry discover murder, call police and police respond it would not be more than three hours.  Sure there is really nothing wrong as you have Cody arrive home and police car there and then flash back but I only realized this on a second read. And first impression is most important

Maybe just drop the flashback and rearange the scenes might fix this up.

The other thing that confused me was Hnery in bath room and see vision of wife and then cody walk in and he has knife wound. Is he a vision? is he dead?

I guess as i see it, it is how you jump all over the place and use flashback that is the downfall of this story and makes it a difficult story. For me it doesn't work.

I suggest  push this aside and write something with a conventional plot (beginging, middle, end.) You ability to write a script is fine but your plotting of a story is your weakness

Quoted Text The first thing that threw me off was how Henry discover his wife dead for the first time and than have a three hour later flashback where the police are talking about dead wife. This baffled me as by the time Henry discover murder, call police and police respond it would not be more than three hours.  Sure there is really nothing wrong as you have Cody arrive home and police car there and then flash back but I only realized this on a second read. And first impression is most important

I'm not a forensics expert, but I guess they would have had to examine the body, clean it up, write stuff down, tell officers etc, then talk to Henry. Maybe three horus is a bit much.


SPOILERS







Cody was dead all along. Note how the police refers to him in past tense.

I'm gettnig to Perplexity Groove.

All right, Whoop.  I tried not to read too many of the comments.  I gather this is a third draft?  I do sense improvement here, and it's worlds away from that "Hitler" thing I read a while back.  At least, I seem to recall that was you.

This does achieve an air of menace, and we sense there is something more going on than the story tells us outright.  You are certainly on the right track.

SPOILERS:

*  Does Henry have to have brown hair?  If not, then you limit casting.  Keep things vague except for details that contribute.  The shave and the suit, for example, tell us something about the kind of man he is.  But his hair color tells us nothing.
*  "The Camera Turns."  You know not to do this by now, right?  And as long as we are talking about technical stuff, you should be using page numbers.
*  Cody calls him Henry?  This isn't Dad?  (Note later: I decided that calling him Henry is fine.  It adds another layer of appropriate weirdness.)
*  The first flashback is three hours earlier.  But the next one is four hours.  What gives?
*  He refers to his beach wedding with his recently deceased fiancee as "all that crap?"  I would change that line.
*  On page 5 (I think -- no page numbers) Juan says "he" when he means "him."
*  The final scene with Lynn is random, but good.  I like the open door.  That works.

And now I'm done, and the first thing I want to do is go back and read your spoilers, because this story doesn't make much sense.  

And now I've read the spoiler.  And I only kind of get it.  Cody is haunting him?  

I think the problem here is that there is nothing in this script that leads us to believe that Henry is the killer.  The crime is motiveless.  If anything, the odd mention of "Kyle McGee", and how he hates Cody, would make us think that Kyle is the killer.

In a nutshell, here is probably the single biggest problem you need to fix in this script, Whoop:

"...she has a wound where he stabbed her."

And the second biggest problem:

"Cody has a wound where Henry stabbed him also."

Remember that "Show, don't tell" rule everybody tosses around here?

You are telling us -- the reader -- that Henry is a maniacal killer.  But these two sentences -- the KEY points of the story -- would be lost on the viewer because you are not showing them.

A viewer would completely not get this story.

Perhaps you need another flashback showing what happened.  Or perhaps you need Cody's ghost to tell someone what is going on.  But somehow you have to make it clear how (and when) Henry committed these deeds if you want the story to carry it's full impact. You are getting closer -- for sure -- but you aren't quite there yet with this one.

- HALLWAY is a vague term. This could be any old place. I can't picture it in my head. I think you could use a more detailed description of this hallway.

- You don't need to put 30's in parentheses.

- Stick to day and night with the sluglines. Twilight, sunrise, or sunset are acceptable in small doses but not afternoon. Just use day.

- I think you mean Juan rests his hand on Henry's shoulder. An arm isn't the same kind of gesture.

- You don't need this lounge room scene. It's pointless and unintentionally comical. Lose it. Also, you can just say lounge.

- I think this conversation four hours earlier would make more sense if it took place after Juan reveals Jena killed herself. It doesn't make sense for him to wait an hour to break the news.

- A "can of softdrink." This sounds awkward. How about just a can or softdrink?

This was a decent read but not a good one. My main problem is your use of flashbacks. They don't really do much to enhance the story, they only complicate it. I got confused switching back and forth between the past and present as you forget to label them a few times. I think your story would be stronger told in a linear fashion. It's not a bad story. It's simple and a tad cliche but not a bad one really. You did have a few slightly creepy moments towards the end. Just change the flashbacks and I think you'll be in good shape.

Thanks James and Bert, some very helpful reviews there.

Quoted from bert And I only kind of get it.  Cody is haunting him?

Not exactly haunting. Just acting out daily life if he was alive. Henry had killed Cody before he killed Jena (presumably they didn't suspect him when he killed Cody either).

You've all inspired me to a rewrite (ha-ha),

Thanks.

Bigwhoop,

as everybody I advice you to re-write Zest (what's the meaning of the title?) because I didn't get it. I didn't realize than Cody was dead, as Henry.  I'm sure you can more precise everything and finally draw a good script. Submit it again and I'll read it again.

Michel 8)

I haven't read any of the other reviews, and after 2 pages of comments I'm sure I'll repeat a few things that have already been said.

***SPOILER*** I GUESS....

First, let me just say that:

Quoted Text JENA (30’s), beautiful, auburn hair, young looking, and extremely DEAD.

is funny as heck! Which might not be a good thing. You may want to change that.

Your discriptions were short and sweet. Not many typos that I can remember. The story was pretty good but the dialogue needs a lot of work.

I didn't really get everything though. It may just be because I'm slow, but I didn't understand any of the ending scenes when everyone is dying off. I think my blonde hair is kicking in. lol.

Anyway, nice read. **1/2 our of ****. It needs work in the dialoge area.

-Chris

Thanks Rapture! Try dyeing your hair.

I'm writing a rewrite!

Ben,

This was pretty good!

Your format is good except for your dialogue lines are a little too long, they go all the way out to the right hand margin. I think the dialogue margins should be set at 2,5” – 5,5”. I think I’ve read too that you should ideally have no more than six or seven words in each line.

SPOILERS:

There’s no need to write camera directions, you can just simply state that Jena is dead on the floor.

Henry says “Cody’s from Jena’s old husband” that sounds kind of odd to me. Maybe he can just say that “Cody’s from Jena’s previous marriage.

“Had she received any calls from he before?” – him before

“It’s dark and gloomy and the kitchen” – in the kitchen

It got a little confusing towards the end, but over all I think you did a nice job.
:)

Thanks, Pia, alot of people have been saying that it's confusing, I'll fix that.

Hey Bigwhoop

Thought I'd give this a read.  I quite liked this but it does need a tidy up.  Some of the dialogue seems strange, like Pia says above.  The concept is good but it needs tightening and the flashbacks don't work well for me, they're a little confusing.

Overall though this has potential to be improved even though I know you've rewrote this a few times already.

Thanks Alffy! I reviwed The Big Stiff