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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  Gardenia's Perfume
Posted by: Don, September 11th, 2005, 5:52am
Gardenia's Perfume by Helio J Cordeiro - Short, Fantastic Crime - Are the arms of a flower good enough to defeat prejudice, envy and hate? - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: jerdol, September 11th, 2005, 11:42am; Reply: 1
The story is too simplistic.  It lacks depth.  The idea is understood, the message comes across, but with no style, no interest.  This is perhaps the kind of thing I'd expect as a high-school film project, but as a real movie it is sorely lacking.

The movie Chocolat deals in large part with similar issues, and is able to be two hours long.  There's no reason you can't extend the movie to better underline why the characters act as they do.  By simply explaining it as "it's supernatural", you lose the opportunity to give your characters good motives.
You can show Gardenia's time in the town with dialogue and full scenes; the perfume is a bit short.

What you've basically told is an anecdote.  It's filmed, but that's really what it is, an anecdote.  If you want it to be a story, you have to give it more life.
Posted by: spencerforhire, September 14th, 2005, 10:20am; Reply: 2
Helio

I'm sorry I couldn't make it past page four. I think it needs dialog to make it more interesting.

Keep writing. I look forward to more of your stuff.

Spencer

Read: Open Casket
Posted by: Helio, September 14th, 2005, 10:49am; Reply: 3
Okay Spencer, keep prospecting my shorts I would appreciate a lot bud...
Posted by: Helio, September 14th, 2005, 10:54am; Reply: 4
I hope you like others like "Hell: The last Station", "Vine Leaf", "My Dear Loo" Happiness Road...
Posted by: spencerforhire, September 15th, 2005, 9:37pm; Reply: 5
Hey Helio

I don't mind reading your shorts scripts but I surely won't be prospecting your shorts. I'll leave that up to the wife.

Spencer

Coming Soon: Reckless.
Posted by: Helio, September 16th, 2005, 10:12am; Reply: 6
"Prospecting my shorts"...Very fanny, bud! My domain in the English language is very poor, my dear friend, sorry!

All my (short ) scripts come here to be seen and analised by people like you with experience and good sense on screenwriting. One more time, thanks!
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