Animal Magnetism by Robert Glenn Newcomer (bert) - Short, Gothic Horror - They say that dogs are man’s best friend.  But what do they know? Dogglebe's Halloween Writing Exercise entrant - doc, format 8)

This was a breeze to read.  Perfectly formatted, great descriptive writing, so I'm pretty sure I know who wrote this.

SPOILERS

A few things.  No ghosts but it's still a solid piece of writing and builds up that feeling of intensity with how Sam's character is developed.  He's perfectly molded into that trailer trash reject.  One thing that you may have wanted to include was why he was such a creep.  We can assume that maybe something happened with the finances after 1990, or he has a gambling problem, or something.

I thought the ending was kind of funny in how he turned around and Jenny's picture was on his back.  That was a pretty clever way to get rid of him, but one other thing I felt iffy on was that Jenny said she wanted him to change and obviously wanted to fix things, so was her intent on having him killed?  Or maybe she didn't know he would be killed, just bitten up a bit...I don't know.

Overall, great writing, interesting story, good job!

Great!  

Nice, simple, satisfying.  

Sam was a really repulsive guy, and the fact that he was built so realistically in the script made the end all the more satisfying.

First time I've seen the word 'scrotum' in the description of a script, as far as I can recall.    

A great little story. I'm sure I know who wrote this.

The characters are well drawn, very efficient build up. No wasted words. Every detail is paid off in the end, the jacket, the pillow etc. Clever writing.

The descriptions are vivid and draw you right into the story.

The ending is truly satisfying, a great payoff.

My only criticism is that it's not really Gothic Horror. I know it's a fairly broad definition but you wouldnt read this and immediately think gothic.

Aside from that, I really liked it.

Well, after spending the week languishing at the bottom of the pile, I can finally thank my handful of readers now that the cat is out of the bag.  I thought the logline was pretty cool at the time, but now I think it's kind of crappy.

Excellent point, Greg.  There does need to be a scene where she "turns".  It seems obvious now, and is a fundamental flaw in this story.  I might go back and fix that at some point.

And sure, this is gothic.  You don't need moss-covered castles for that.  You've got violence, grotesque characters, and a little morality tossed in.  It qualifies.

I had a hunch this was Bert's, but only because he mentioned the dog tracks and 'south south' earlier.

The story worked well and it was very well written.  Formatting was good as was characterization.  I thought that Sam was a little over the top, but that was cool.  The story reminds me of the old House of Mystery stories (I'm dating myself, here).

I thought that your actioin descriptions were a little off.  You tend to describe things in ways that can't be shown on the screen.  ie:  You mention on page four that 'most dresses are too big for Jenny.'  On page seven, you wrote, "The intervening years have been kind, and she's changed very little."  You're better off writing that Jenny is gaunt and that her appearance hasn't changed much.

The ending was good.  As I said earlier, very House of Mystery.


Phil

Bert, I spotted this one as yours right away and I was surprised it didn't get more reads. I was just nit-picking with the gothic comment. I guess I was expecting something a little more supernatural based on your other scripts on here.

I'm gonna agree to disagree with Phil on your descriptions. I think both examples cited evoke an image. You have to know the rules before you break 'em and you obviously know the rules. It's this kind of thing that sets your work apart. I remember a similar discussion on your 'Someplace...' script. My advice, keep it.

First off, something that doesn’t have anything to do with your script: you have a great real name. It has a very sort of dignified ring to it. I like it.

About the script: to be honest, I’m not quite sure what to think of it. That’s not a bad thing.

Sam is completely unlikable without a single redeeming quality. That actually helps by making it difficult to feel pity for him at his fate.

Jenny (poor Jenny) put up with more than I would have. I would have left at the first slap. But then, she got her revenge. I’m a little confused however as to how she got the cages open without getting mauled. But, who cares? It wasn’t the sort of story you analyze. It was more the sort that you just go along with for the ride.

It didn’t scare me. That’s not bad either.

Sorry you were one of the last ones I read. I’m afraid that was because of the title. It didn’t really stimulate me, being a phrase so often heard.

It was fun. Description is good. It was odd. That’s good. Original. Good. Diction is good. Overall, it was very enjoyable.


Brea

Quoted from dogglebe ...very House of Mystery.

"House of Mystery"?  No way, man.  I'll take "Vault of Horror" any day  ;)

(How many people will even "get" these references....six, maybe?  The joke here is that these titles -- and about a half-dozen more -- are virtually identical.)

Anyways, thanks for that, Phil.  And thanks for the support on the descriptions, D.S.  It is hard to know where to draw the line on this sometimes.  Is it too much?  Is it too little?  Frankly, D.S. and Phil are both absolutely correct, because every reader will be different, and it just comes down to personal preferences, I think.  All we can do is trust our own instincts as we compose our stories, you know?

And thanks to Breanne, too.  It is cool to see a non-participant dipping into these stories.  How did Jenny open the cages?  Crap.  Never thought of that.  She's a bright girl, though, and I guess she thought of something...

Your own stuff sounds great, Bre, by the way.  I keeping looking for some time to dip into something with some real heft to it, but haven't found any just yet.  I'll keep looking.

Hey Bert!

Wanted to stop by and give this a read. I liked this one. It was very satisfying. I liked the way you made Sam so convincingly despicable and Jenny very sympathetic. Yay for the dogs getting their sweet revenge at the end!!!!

I noted that you had been rather wordy with your description in this short. I myself do this too, without realising it, though I got the impression it was done here to add more overall, than perhaps was necessary. I agree with Phil on the particular areas which could have been more concise - see his comments above, as those were my ones too.

I felt so bad for those dogs! I really liked your twist with the jacket and the patch with Jenny on it. Genius!! Well done, didn't see that coming at all.

The only thing that I had hoped to see was Jenny with tin-snips in her hands... ready to snip away at him, but that would have had to exclude the dogs so they wouldn't have savaged her!!! But I'm sick like that  ;D

Good job on this and I liked your take on the challenge for this round of the competition.

Thumbs up  ;)

Andy x

Ahr...glad ye be likin' it, me fair wench.

But aye...the wordy descriptions....tis a folly that will likely haunt me til I wind up in Davy Jones Locker!

T'aint a perfect story, I know, but yer kind words warmed me black heart.  A friendly post from a wee bonnie lass such as yerself never fails to shiver me timbers!

Stop talking like that. I like it too much  ;D

Captain Andy
xxx

Bert,

I"m moving down the lists of shorts and I stumbled across this.

I don't know when you wrote this, but your writing is at least x10 better now, probably more.

I have to be brutally honest with you, but I didn't like this story, even though the bad guy got what he deserved in the end.

Possible spoilers ahead:

We adopted a Greyhound 15 years ago, they are the best dogs! She was a track reject so I really do feel something here with your story. I also know that most workers at greyhound farms are migrants. Bikers (the ones I've known) are seldom working in an animal business.

Greyhounds are also known for their kind and gentle temperaments and I find it hard to picture them attacking anyone.

Lastly, all I can say is, I'm glad Sam died.

TomSon  :'(

What an interesting past you seem to have, Tomson.  Each new post from you reveals another layer -- enigmatic -- like an onion, you know?

This is another one that was written in less than a week -- like the "Western" thing we did a little while ago -- the theme was "gothic horror at a dog run" -- and yeah -- this one has its problems.  Sometimes I don't even put this one in my sig at all.

I have to confess a complete ignorance of Greyhound farms -- and Greyhounds -- aside from a little betting -- and I guess it shows, huh?

I may return to fix this one at some point -- but credibility problems are the toughest to fix -- so thanks for letting me know up front that this one will require a bit more research on my part.  Really.  That helps alot  :)

I liked this one.  I hated Sam though, I really did, I'm glad it ended the way it did cause I truly dislike people who treat animals like that, especially dogs >:(

"Sam is passed out on the couch.  Wait.  Signs of life.  He scratches his scrotum."  That made me laugh.  good description there. ;D


I liked how he got his upcomings, that was very neat, the picture of Jenny on the back...HA

anyways, this was a good read. :)

Wow! How'd I miss this one?

Anyway, this is the third entry to this One Week Challenge I've read and in the context of its guidelines, I think it could have been stronger. This didn't particularly strike me as a gothic horror. It lacked atmosphere, I think. Also, your definition of dog run seems to differ from the other two scripts I read. I won't fault you on this though. This, here, was actually what I envisioned a dog run to be: quite literally, a place where dogs run.

As its own story, I think this was very good. You did an excellent job at developing Sam's character. He's complete scum and yet he has reasons for what he does. Not good reasons, per se, but reasons nevertheless. I think you also managed to strengthen Jenny's character in the process of developing Sam's. She is also well-developed but Sam's treatment of her is really what made me feel for her. I really felt an honest desperation on her part for their relationship to work, yet, of course, it's going nowhere. The ending was brutal yet satisfying and I was really anticipating it once you forshadowed it through Jenny's sewing of the jacket. I was, however, a little disappointed though at the fact that we never find out why the dogs hate Jenny so much. No matter though. It didn't change the effect of the ending.

All in all, pretty much what I'd expected from you, Bert. A well-written, entertaining, and easy-to-read little horror story with a nice strong punch at the end. Great job, Bert.

Hey, thanks James and Fly-boy.  I was surprised to see this one -- it hasn't seen the top of the boards for quite some time.

I shuddered when I first saw that it had been bumped -- as this one met with decidedly mixed reviews -- but it gets a little extra leeway for being a one-week entrant, I think.

And I'm relieved that you guys liked it for what it was -- a gruesome little morality play that works as long as you don't examine it too closely.  Some day I'll come back to this one and try to fix some of its flaws.

But I appreciate the look, guys.  Not including the inagural one-week contest, this one was probably my favorite.  I hope we do another horror topic sometime.  Maybe Phil can make it an annual Halloween thing (that's when this one was).

I was surprised there was a Bert script I hadn't read yet. Kind of like finding a $20 bill in your pocket...or at least a $1...you know, enough to buy a soda with on your break at work.

Anyway, at a first look, this one works well enough for me. I thought Sam was well-drawn and Jenny played the subservient battered wife well. The setup was right there for the ending to pay off. So the basics of the story are definitely there and they work very well.

I don't understand what the deal with the car is. I am guessing that Sam went out and crashed it, but Jenny was able to drive something. Surely they don't have two cars and a motorcycle living in a mobile home. That lost me a bit. A bit about the importance of that pillow would be good as well since it only gives us the date of Sprink Break 1990 to go off of and Sam isn't even in the picture. Granted, it gives us a vital element that plays in later, but still...

As a whole it works very well, and shows you know how to write. When you start thinking too much about it, that's when you run into problems.

Now if I could only figure out how I missed it back in October. I know I read a ton of these scripts, but I missed Phil's too.

So you couldn't have just left it at $20 and been done with it, George?  Always nice to have you drop by on a story, though.

I'm not surprised you missed this one -- it's kind of my red-headed stepchild -- but at its core is a decent story that will be reworked someday.

As for the car, Jenny was lying.  Sam wrecked it, but it still worked just fine.  Another point that could use a little more clarity I suppose.

Could have used a bit more time with this one.  As you mention with the pillow, there is more to tell about Sam and Jenny.  Thanks for your thoughts on this one.

Good script Bert, you are one of the most reliable writers on this site; as I was reading the set up I new there was going to be a great pay off and you didn't let me down.

I loved the character of Sam, (yeah I know I'm supposed to hate him) he was the best scumbag I've come across since the great Jackie Boy in Sin City.

My only criticism is that you had those annoying green lines under some of the sentences; I don't why people submit scripts with those when they’re so easy to get rid of.

Anyway, it was a great script; I probably liked it more than Salvage which was also a darn good script. You should think about putting all your shorts together and making a feature like Creepshow out of them.

Quoted from Takeshi My only criticism is that you had those annoying green lines under some of the sentences; I don't why people submit scripts with those when they�re so easy to get rid of.

That's an artifact I get from "Word" that pops up with spell check or not.

It is annoying, though, which is why I usually use PDF.  But as this was supposed to be Anonymous, and I thought the different format might throw people off the scent.

Thanks for the comments, particularly those regarding Sam.  It is always nice to hear about "feelings" that emerged regarding a character in a short, where there isn't much room for development.

Since this one has been "woken up", I've been thinking on it more and have a few new ideas for it.  I like your "collection" idea, too.  Someday, yeah.

You can go back to watching soccer now haha.

Bert, I just finished reading your script ans just to say that it was really good. The story was fantastic, good charecter depth and really good format. I hated Sam though, Maybe everyone that reads this script will

Keep up the good work on all your scripts.

Wow, Bert, that takes me back to EC comics--"Vault of Horror", "Crypt of Terror", and "The Old Witch".

The formula worked every time. Someone mistreating someone gets their comeuppance. Always satisfying!

This is a great little entry for an EC revival. Who wouldn't want Sam to pay?!

You have the word taut typed as taught. (maybe you fixed it later). You have a few lines that repeat "the dog", where it'd sound better using "him" or "her".

Minor nitpicks. Good story! Stephen King would love it :-)

Quoted from MonetteBooks Wow, Bert, that takes me back to EC comics...

You better watch it, Monette, or you are going to date yourself haha.  "Old man" dogglebe does that, too, sometimes.

I've drawn a lot of inspiration from those old books -- even have some boxed up somewhere.  I think that style translates well into short scripts.  While I have stopped short of actually adapting any of those old stories, when I find the time to start writing some new stuff, I probably will.  I found one a while ago that would make a dynamite script.

This piece will probably go on the block for a facelift, too.

Instead of bumping all my stuff up, I'll just give you a "blanket thanks" here for your comments over the past couple of days.

It's been a while since some of that stuff has seen the light of day.  It's appreciated.

dude that was fucking epic
good work
well written
i want to see it made
muchlove, jayden :)

Well, thank you, Jayden.

While I am not entirely sure how a 10-page short constitutes an epic, your sentiments are most appreciated nevertheless.

Thanks for taking a few moments to let me know you liked it.  I think this one needs a bit of work -- but I also think this one is a bit under-rated -- and I appreciate your looking.