The Forbidden Tree by Mike Shelton - Short, Gothic Horror - A group of dog lovers come across a strange homeless man who guards a tree to prevent dogs from peeing on it.


Dogglebe's Halloween Writing Exercise entrant - pdf, format 8)

"The Forbidden Tree" sounded like a film from the 1950s, which isn't a bad thing at all.  

ERR, SPOILERS

I think you've got a good concept here--people have dogs, dogs go into dog run, crazy guy warns them, surprise ending.  It all worked out pretty good and this made for a pretty easy read.  The parts where Ann and Dom squabble were pretty humorous, and I like how you gave the dog the name Dioge.  That was especially funny to me because I refer to my golden retriever as Dog all the time.

The ending was pretty well executed by having the Pigeon Man vanish after Dioge pees and then Larry faces his fate by taking over the position.  Easy ending, yet shocking as well.  There were some grammatical and spelling problems, but nothing horrendously bad.

A few other things.  I didn't know you had to pay to go to jail, but then again I've never been or was he referring to that he couldn't lose his "job" to protect the tree?  Some of your action descriptions are too long and they can easily be shortened by removing some of the shtuff that you can't film.  Remember, only write what the camera can see.  "They are there to let Larry’s dog run around a bit."  You can simply put "Dioge is running around." or something.  

Overall, it's a solid effort.  Pat yourself on the back!

For me, this one wins the logline contest.  I wanted to read this one first.

(SPOILERS)

*  "Dioge" is sort of funny, but the audience will never be in on this joke.
*   The set-up is good.  The one guy buying a dog just so he can hit on girls plays out just fine.
*  You have a lot of expository description about Pigeon Man that, again, is of no benefit to the viewer.  You could have one charcter ask, "What's up with that guy?" and another reply, "Oh, him.  That's Pigeon Man...." and then explain things for us.
*  What's up with the bell?  Where is that coming from?  Does everybody hear it?  It seems they should comment or something regarding this strange phenomenon.
*  It has a good payoff, particularly the signature on the letter.  The letter itself might be a little long, though.

I thought I would know who wrote these, but I am at a loss here.  I like this "anonymous" idea even better now.  I enjoyed this one -- whoever -- and thought you kept the dialogue pretty clever throughout.  Nice job.

I'm pretty sure I know who wrote this having recently read some of this writer's work.

I love the concept. It's another one of those stories that goes full circle.  This is more comedy than horror but a good read nonetheless. The dialogue is crisp and humorous, but the descriptions could use a little work. You write certain things that the camera can't record.

Bert's right that the Dioge gag won't really work on screen unless you show an insert of the name printed on his collar or something.

I thought the bell was a nice touch although a little more description would have made it clearer. Is it like a church bell or more of an alarm sound?

The letter at the end is great but maybe a little long.

Overall, a good effort. It had me chuckling.

This was a nice amusing little story.  I'm not sure that I have any complaints about it.  Those above are right about the bell and the Dioge thing.

Some of the dialogue was quite funny, and the whole thing was solid, dialogue-wise.

Does the font switch halfway through the script?

At first, I thought this was written by Cindy.  I saw similarities between Mike and Cindy's use of the comic relief sidekick.

I thought this was a great story.  Very Twilight Zone-esque.  Now that the game is over, perhaps you can rewrite it to make it a little longer.  Build a little suspense.  Considering that you wrote this in a week, I was very impressed with it.


Phil

Mike,

I enjoyed the script.  I don't have specifics on this.  I thought the ending was brilliant.  On the one hand, I wish that Larry was portrayed as more dislikeable so I wouldn't feel so bad about his fate.  On the other hand, your portrayal came across to me that Larry was more like a Job figure - bad stuff happens to him.  

Don

Thanks for the feedback everyone.  I personally preferred this story over the other one myself, and I'm glad people liked it.  I may go back and extend this once I finish the other things I'm working on.  If I do, I'll be sure to keep everyone informed.  Thanks again.

This one was really strange. I laughed at the logline. I’m just not sure what to make of the story. How does the poor homeless guy eat? -- haha

Odd. Very odd. That’s good, though, I think.

That note at the end just killed me. I was thinking, “man, that whatever it is that’s causing this sure does write long letters to his victims?”

It was very experiential. I like that aspect of it.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson This one was really strange. I laughed at the logline. I’m just not sure what to make of the story. How does the poor homeless guy eat? -- haha

Maybe the tree he guards bears delicious berries?  

Yeah the letter could probably be condensed.  I think I was trying to explain the whole purpose of the story in it and ended up going a little long.  

I'll take odd as good in this case any day.

Thanks for the feedback.

I'm late in reading all the writing exercise scripts, and this is the first one I've read so far.  

A few thoughts, in no particular order:

- I sort of disagree about the "Dioge" thing. As is, it wouldn't completely work, but if the name was repeated in dialogue more the audience would eventually pick up on it. By eventually I mean it's one of those jokes you may not "get" in the theater, but on the way home you realize "Oh, D-O-G!". So it works, or could work, in that way.

- About Pigeon Man: I noticed that he was not referred to by name, in dialogue, until page 9. How are we supposed to know his name? When Ann asks "Where's Dioge? Where's Pigeon Man?" that's the first and only time the audience has heard that name. At that point, if I was watching this rather than reading it, I would think "Who the hell is Pigeon Man?". Then I would think "Why's he called Pigeon Man?"

- I think the two Larrys thing could've been played with more. It was just thrown out there and forgotten.

- The bell thing confused me a bit too. I wasn't sure where it was coming from or who heard it.

- I didn't really buy it when Pigeon Man lifted Dom off the ground by his neck. If someone did that to you wouldn't you fight back somehow or at least run away? You wouldn't just call him a fruitcake, would you? It's just the reaction I don't buy.

- Maybe I've seen too many gory horror films, but I'd like to see the dogs disappearing in a scarier way. Just a cloud of smoke seems too whimsical. Maybe a rapid decomposition kinda thing, where the dogs waste away in a split second and collapse into dust.

- The ending is clever and works very well, but I wish the switch from PM to Larry could've been played out a bit more for scares and drama. Oh, and the note is a bit long. Maybe you can have PM give some of that information as he deteriorates.

A few comments about comments:

Quoted Text I didn't know you had to pay to go to jail,...

I believe when PM said he "can't afford to go to jail" he didn't mean afford as in "to have the financial means for" but rather "to manage or bear without disadvantage or risk to oneself". Those definitions are quoted from Answers.com btw.

Quoted Text On the one hand, I wish that Larry was portrayed as more dislikeable so I wouldn't feel so bad about his fate.

Isn't that an important part of horror: Bad things happening to good people? That's makes it scarier to me. When terrible things happen to people who don't deserve it, that's more horrific.

All in all, I liked this story quite a bit. It'll be one that'll stick with me, for the clever concept if not the scares. I'd definitely read a second draft. If you elaborated on some things and got this to about 15 pages it would be a very solid story. Well, it's already solid for a week's work. :)

Hey everyone,

 I just submitted a rewrite of this.  I managed to flesh it out to about sixteen pages, and made some significant changes to the story in tune with the comments I received regarding the original, so even if you read the original, you could read this and get an entirely different experience.

Has anyone who read the first version had a chance to look at this?

I was wondering what people thought of the changes, as they are quite extensive.

Is the revised version up?


Phil

Phil,

The new version is up, however, it isn't flagged as a rewrite.  It just took the place of the old one.  The link at the top of the discussion board will get you to it.

Mike

I didn't notice that this had been revised until today.

I like this version a lot more, you addressed all the issues nicely. Everything that wasn't clear before is now taken care of, and the new ending works better IMO. So, well done. :)

Anyone who hasn't read the new version should take a look at this, it's different enough to be worth the effort.

I've never seen Don post a review before... Strange days, indeed. Anyways, I'll try to get around to this one as soon as I can. I've got it saved to my desk top.

Just finished up this script and liked it a lot.  It turned out totally different than I expected and even had the horror touch on it.  I even like the little twist, even though it became pretty appart about half way through, on the end and it added much more depth to Dom's character.

Good script.  You should be proud of it.

T.I.N.

Pete and T.I.N,

Thanks for the feedback.  I received a lot of good suggestions from everyone regarding the first version that I tried to put into this second draft, and I was pretty happy with the end result, even if it is different.

Balt,

Hope you enjoy it when you get around to it.


Mike