Grave by Gary Benjamin Holt Jr. - Short, Horror - Two, naive, teenagers venture into the woods for a wild, fun night out. But what they discover that night...will change their entire lives forever. For the better...or for the worse? You decide. - doc, format 8)

The script feels like the teaser of a slasher.

It consists of the traditional teenagers who do something stupid and get themselves killed.  Like a teaser, it gives little focus to the characters, and feels no need to start or end a real plot.  And like a slasher teaser, it's not able to stand on its own.

Were this made into a movie, the audience would end up feeling something like "So?", or "That's it?".  The script has no conclusion; and with the lack of any actual point it seems...pointless.

Now for the dialogue.  It seems you wre focusing more on the plot advancement (the female character needs to be afraid, but reluctantly go ahead; the male needs to be adventurous and pull her in), and didn't spend enough time making the dialogue realistic.  
Sarah's dialogue is bi-polar, and the whole "do it for me" lines don't fit the situation, which is light.  It's just checking something out in the woods.

The title:  I don't get it.  No reference was made to a grave, and it doesn't seem to fit the script.
And the synopsis was completely bizarre.  1)  They never venture into the woods; they start there.  2)  They don't discover anything.  3)  "You decide"?  What's that supposed to mean?  4)  "For the better...or for the worse?"  That's either out of the place or a very silly question.

Welp... first things first... Your dialogue is terrible. You don't need to say the person they're talking to every time. Hell, try not to say it at all. It makes it more realistic that way... I mean, really, how many times do you call your friends by their name while it's just you and them?

"for instance" I never say -- "Hey Justin my car's broke down on me after I just spent 15oo getting a new transmission put in it. Them joder mower muggin' goblins really stuck it in and broke it off.

Really, Cary... That's fucked up.

Tell me about it, Justin.

I'd have them sorry bastards fix again and do it right this time, Cary.

You know... I think I will, Justin.

------------

See that? See how absurd that sounds? But that is a similar conversation I had the other day with him, only without all the names and also there was way more cussing going on. Believe me.

This whole... But I thought you loved me thing is crap and needs to be taken out. Even more so cause within in the blink of an eye she's saying yes, I do love you to... God  I hate you and then runs off... WTF is that all about? It reads like a really bad Greek movie I once saw called Island of death. The logic in and behind the characters anyways.

Billy and Sarah are said more times in this script than then word THE, IS, AND or BUT... really you need to take them names out. They serve no purpose. We know who they are "Hell there's only two of them" It's not hard to keep track of... even more so, cause the name is above each speaking part. That's the glory about a screenplay. It's supposed to be quick, informative and well paced.

Your dialogue is really stiff. It just doesn't read well. I don't think anyone would say... Cut it out, I'm really worried about you... in this situation. I believe they'd say something along them lines, but that exact phrase doesn't sit well.

And then... oh my god... then... the ending came. You actually have a cast on here. If that wasn't bad enough,  you put down Kevin Federline and Britney Spears. LMFAO!  I'll make this simple and clean... never do that. Never put or attach a cast to your script. It makes no sense to do so. It serves no purpose and people will probably not take it too serious, just like me.

As for the story... it's not that original. I wrote a story called "GRUFF" you might wanna check out. Though mine is nothing like this one and was written some time ago in a far away land... I think you were going for the same vibe.

I didn't see where you were going with this. I really didn't. No grave around... Unless maybe you were shadowing what was inside the cave. Still, however, it'd be nice to have seen that far. IT was a very early and rushed piece that way.

The characters did illogical things to boot. Nobody is gonna do these things.

In the end...

1- Don't say the persons name you are talking to unless you've got to
2- Work on your dialogue. It's too stiff and comes off unnatural
3- Work on pace, mood and realism. Nothing gels in this script, really.
4- DO NOT ADD A CAST!!!!

I hope this helped. It was a short read, that was good... but it lacked in many area's. Flesh this one out and keep it as your work in progress and skill builder. Believe it or not I have a screenplay I've been doing this with for a very long time now called "THE HOUSE OF SILENCE" I'll add to it, re-write it, scrap it and start new but I always come back to it... I've been up and down it so many times I can't remember just how many times I have re-wrote it and worked on it off the top of my head. I know I've got the drafts to prove it, though.

However, the point is... if I didn't have a "HOUSE OF SILENCE" to build upon I don't think I would've ever got to writing like I have. It opened up a new path for me to learn more about writing and build on what I knew and what I wanted to know.

Again, I hope this helps you. I'm a dick... I know. I'm an ass... I know. I was too hard on you probably and we'll see at least 2 or 3 HAMS come in here and play crusader, I'm sure... but this is the stuff you need to hear. You don't need to hear your script was good or perfect or anything like that... cause it wasn't any of those things.

Good luck with your writing~

Balt

HAM? I thought I was the super hero. Captain Boxer Shorts or something like that.

Hey anyway I mirror your thoughts. This script left me saying "what the hell?" When I write I really try to write like real life dialog. It may take me a few trys to flush it out. This script is one more example of someone who wrote it and got obsessed with posting it quick. Take to time and be patient. Write it, leave it sit, let it sizzle, then re-write it. It can only be better.

Anyway, keep writing and keep pracitcing.

Spencer


Coming Soon: BANKER BOY

It could have been much longer...the dialogue was really...fake sounding. And there wasn't a real story behind it. Like Baltis said, it's more like a trailer, and had no build up or climax. Anyway, it's a good background, but I think I've already seen about three or four other movies on TV like that.

Oh my God! But I tried SO HARD on this! Oh my God I can't believe it... This was my best work ever...seriously. I thought I had the best script on the site.


So...what would you think of this, then?


http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b=horror,m=1128964872

Hmm...that's kind of an odd response, Gary.  That is how you choose to thank all the people who took the time to comment on your work?

As stated previously -- on the thread you've linked to -- if you want some quick reads, the review exchange is really your best bet.  Certainly better than -- well, whatever it is you are going for here.

So...what would you think of this, then?

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b=goose

[Modified, and added later]

In fact, you know what?  Go read "The Farm", in Horror.  Give me some good feedback on that script and I'll give "Mark" a treatment for you.  But you gotta go first.

I'm sensing some sarcasm in your reply there Yeaster. How long did it take you to write this? No offence, but surely you can't consider this your best work. I skimmed through parts of your other script and it seemed to have some substance. This short has... well... nothing to it.

I'll be blunt. This isn't a story, it's barely even an anecdote. A more fitting synopsis would be "Two kids walk into a cave, get killed, the end". What is the point in that? When you sit down to write something, you have to think about what you want to say. This story has no meaning.

The other posters are right about the dialogue. It's bad, and the name-dropping is comical.

I think it's back to the drawing board with this one. Try and build up your characters so we care what happens to them. Work on the dialogue so it sounds realistic, not just two people repeating each others names. Give them something meaningful to say.

btw, nobody is going to read your feature when you respond in such a way to the readers who have endured this short.

This was just a poor start to every bad horror movie ever made.  I really don't know what to make of this.  Your structure is pretty good, but there's not much to highlight here.

"No Billy, I'm scared!"  "What are you, chicken Sarah?  Is this how you would talk while making out with your naked girlfriend in a lake?  The dialogue in this was consistently bad to the point where it was hilarious.  You could call this a comedy since it's a spoof of the start of every bad horror movie.

Your descriptions were good meaning that you know how to write, but I'm having trouble figuring out how you could write such bad dialogue.  Well, whatever.  Work on that and don't make smartass remarks to your feedback and you should be just fine.

Sorry for my comments, everyone. I was being a bit...stupid, to be blunt. lol.

Originally, this was supposed to be a bad movie that the main characters were watching...but I decided to drop the scene all together. Here's the REAL script. I'm done yet, but I just wanted some quick comments on how I'm doing so far. I haven't proofread it yet, so there may be spelling/grammar errors.

I accept harsh criticism, but please give me tips on how to be a better writer to go along with it.  :)

Well, here goes.


http://www.freewebs.com/yeaster/scippes.htm

Quoted from Yeaster I haven't proofread it yet, so there may be spelling/grammar errors. I accept harsh criticism, but please give me tips on how to be a better writer to go along with it.

Here's a tip.  Proofread it before you post it!

Your story synopsis made me laugh.  

Quoted from Yeaster Two, naive, teenagers venture into the woods for a wild, fun night out. But what they discover that night...will change their entire lives forever. For the better...or for the worse?

Sound more like a coming of age film than a horror film.


Here's a question for you, though, about your script:

Quoted from Yeaster INT: CAVE – NIGHT The cave is very dark. There’s barely any light at all inside. Sarah holds on to Billy.

Barely any light?  In a cave?  At night?  There should be absolutely no light!  What light are you referring to?


Phil

Yeah, that was supposed to be the "bad movie" the kids were watching...but as you can see, I dropped it. I believe I don't need to explain why. ;)

I just noticed the dates on this thread.  Why would you revive a thread that's been dead for six weeks?  Sitting under the lava lamp, maybe?


Phil

I wanted some quick feeback on the updated draft of this "script". I didn't want to start a new topic(since it's still technically the same thing), so I thought I'd post it here.

It's short and incomplete, I know, but I just wanted to know if I was on the right track or not(namely, with the dialouge).

The link is right here if you need it again.

http://www.freewebs.com/yeaster/scippes.htm