Shot By Love by Shane Sheridan - Short, Action - An unusal but familiar woman is keen to do something, but what? This is purley a fiction movie and is not to be taken seriously. - doc, format 8)

SPOILER SPACE

I never followed the events surrounding Cobain's death and can only guess that you wrote a docu-drama of what you think really happened.  The writing looks like it's first draft.  You're descriptions are very wordy; by tightening things up, you could probably trim two pages off this script (which is a lot).  I was only halfway through the script when I found myself thinking about putting the script down.  The story wasn't building at all and the dialogue wasn't interesting or believable.  The news report dragged and wasn't realistic.  The copy at the end was way too long.


Phil

Yes it was my first initial draft and my first script. i got a B for it so i was happy. i agree with your criticisms competely. It had to be 10 pages long, thats why it might have dragged on. How could you tell it was my first draft. appreciate your comments.
Shane

First drafts are very rough around the edges.  Descriptions are usually very wordy lacking in flow.

Examples of this (from your script) are:

"MICHEAL ‘CALI’ DEWITT, surprise’s her by hugging her tightly from behind. We see him kiss her cheek. He is another long haired guy with baggy cut jeans and a white t-shirt and black shirt."

with additional revisions, it would look something like this:

"MICHAEL 'CALI' DEWITT steps up to her from behind and hugs hers.  She's pleasantly surprised by thisand welcomes his kiss on the cheek."

It wasn't necessary to include a description of Dewitt as he is a real person.  It would be like writing a script about Abraham Lincoln and describing him as tall.  Telling us his nickname isn't necessary as no one calls him that through the script.

The same applies in the shot where you introduce Cobain.

I found that you were very wordy in your descriptions of actions.  Trimming down even one or two words here and there will cut down the length of this script.  The newscast at the end could be cut in half, as well as your closing narration.


Phil

I don't know about you, but at what stage was it apparent that this had something to do with Cobain. Was it in any way suprising??? Maybe I shouldn't have named him Michael Dewitt as this hints the possibility of a connection. 'Cali' would have done....Any other criticisms please...


shane

I never followed Cobain before or after he died, so I really didn't know who it was about until you revealed it.  And, since I didn't follow him, yourscript really had no impact on me

What you may want to do is cut between what (you think) Courtney was doing and what (you think) Curt was doing.


Phil