Dark Magic by Matthew Ruby - Horror - Heather Baker lives in South Carolina along with her two close friends, Ian and Carrie. Living in South Carolina should be cheap, but Heather is living within the city and is paying a bundle for rent. Her friends talk her into moving to a place much cheaper so she won't have to work double time and have more time for some fun. So Heather takes their advice. She finds an ad in the paper about a room for rent in a huge victorian house. Heather jumps on the offer. It's only her first night there and weird things happen. Windows shattering, creeping doors, and shadows in the hallway of her bedroom. She soon finds out that someone living within the house is using magic against her. Someone who is casting harmful spells against Heather for certain reasons. What starts out to be very good soon turns into sheer horror. With an ending that will leave you shocked. - rtf, format 8)

I was kind of disappointed to work my way through this story only to find out that this was a half-baked knock-off of "Skelton Key".  As such, I don't feel like making a ton of comments on this, as it is virtually unmarketable on the heels of that film.

But I will give you this.  If you are writing a story with witchcraft or voo-doo or whatever -- it is called a "pentaGRAM" -- not a "pentagon".  Do at least a little research, for pete's sake.  I mean, that is pretty basic stuff...

lol...did i say pentagon...lol...thats hilarious...i will admit that it's like skeleton key but only to a certain point...but anyway thanks for the comment...ur like the only one i see commenting nowadays.

Hey, you have a pretty good attitude about what was some pretty grumpy criticism.  Let me jump back on this thread and say a few more things, alright?

This story did not suck, OK?  There is worse (lots worse) out there.  A lot of the dialogue wasn't half bad, and your three female leads (Heather, Alice, and Madeline) were distinct characters.  I had a good sense of all of them while reading this.

If you were to lose the old, "disabled" guy upstairs, you could distance yourself from "Skeleton Key" a bit, I think.  He is not integral to the story, and really doesn't do much until the very end.  See if you can make this story work without him.

But I'll repeat the criticism about research with the "witchy" stuff.  That is what separates these kind of stories.  Look at "Mabon", another recent story in Horror.  I didn't like it that much, really, but parts of it, during the witchcraft scenes -- some of the details and the chants themselves -- it "felt" authentic, as if the author had at least a working knowledge of Wiccan rituals.  I am no expert, so maybe it was all made up, but those scenes worked because the details rang true.

With the internet, it doesn't take too long to make sure your details are in order, so there is really no excuse not to do that.  It can only improve your story.  Good luck with this if you decide to rework it, or if you decide to move on to something new.

Awesome...Yeah I'll try it...thank you for reading it...you have no idea how much I appreciate it...by the way...what did you think about the ending? Was it a shock to find out who died? I wanted it to be that way. Let's keep in touch. You give awesome feed back...and thanks for the compliments. There was actually two versions of the scripts I had...I'll tell you about the other one later. Seeya.

You mean at the very, very end?  Yeah, that was OK.  It might be one of those things that works better after the credits.  A little surprise tacked onto the very end.

I'm going to work on it a little more...do you have any suggestions for a new title?

ok...so i redid the entire thing and i must say that i should pat myself on the back...lol...i think this is one of the best scripts that i have ever written...ill send it in for yall

I like the prologue. It's very fast paced and keeps you guessing. But the thing I don't get is when Cathy hangs up the phone for no reason when she was just talking to someone for help and then banging occurs on the doors. Huh?

It is a a clone of "Skeleton Key." But I'm still reading, so I'll keep on commenting.

cool...thanks for the comment...havent been on in awhile cause i just got back to the dorm from winter break...please lemme know ur thoughts

Oh. Second Draft.

The first comment I made was for the first draft. Now I will comment on the second draft:

*spoilers*

1. I like the prologue. It was suprisingly chilling and it was much more informative than the first one. I like how the dark magic was shown in the beginning so the character could understand how it works right from the start. And then it moves on to Cathy Moore, and that part had a smoother sequence and that was good.

2. I see that you made 'Alice' the grandmother...that was different, but it was much more original that making Heather meeting a stranger. It works perferctly how Heather  is having a birthday. So it gives us more info on the timing and events.

I'll continue commenting later because I'm reading and commenting at the sametime. I'll keep on reading.

E.T.

Thank you so much. Your comments are greatly appreciated.

Anyone else check this out. Because I'm putting together a crew to get one of my films made and I am considering this one. So, please let me know what you think guys.

I seen South Carolina, and I was like WHAT! We have voodoo!??

We have the KKK, but as far as Voodoo, we lack in that department.

I'll give this a read when I get the time.  I promise!

Well, in the second draft it really doesn't mention where it takes place anymore. lol. But I hope you still enjoy it.

But I did have South Carolina on my mind while writing it. Cause I been to this place called Pickens if you know it. lol.

Actually, I know exactly what you mean and I agree. I love your line better than what Carrie actually says. Thanks for your comments.

Are you producing Dark Magic right now? If so, how is production?

Well, I'm in the process of it. I think I am going to do another rewrite, but I'm not sure. Thanks for asking.