High Stakes by Mike Shelton - Short - A card shark becomes involved in the biggest poker game he'll ever play, with a stranger that will change his life forever. 23 pages - doc, format 8)

Hey Mike,
I really got into this script because I've been playing poker since I was about three years old (and that's a long time).
There was a couple parts that didn't seem to ring true, though, so I thought I'd bring them up.



SPOILERS









Gambling for money in a poker game like this is illegal, so if someone wanted to find out if there was a poker game going on, the bartender shouldn't be so quick to say that it's in the backroom. He could loose his license.
Maybe have the bartender go to the backroom and let them know that there is a stranger out there asking questions about the game. Since Cap is on a winning streak he would probably be the one to check him out, and be more than happy to let him into the game with that much money.
The other thing was after Cap cut the cards, they were shuffeled again. I've never done it that way. We usually have someone cut if they want to, then deal the cards.
Other than that, I loved it. The pacing, the story, and the surprise ending. Never saw that ending coming. It was pretty cool.
Very, very good stuff.  :)
Cindy  

Hey Mike.  I am going to read this, too.  Not right now though.

But even without reading this, it sure sounds like Cindy's comments (that did not contain a "spoiler" warning **ahem**) are right on.

Oops!
I didn't think I needed one cos since the logline stated it was about a poker game with a stranger...
Sorry bout that. I went back and fixed it. It was late when I posted...

This is a very good script that reads quick, and like I said in my last post... an ending that is really neat.




  

Good hand, Mike! Nice reading! Easy to film and is a lowbuget production.

Yeah...looking back, I guess Cindy doesn't really give away that much.

I mainly wanted to back her up on some of her points...particularly cutting...then shuffling.  It just ain't done that way.

Quoted from CindyLKeller SPOILERS Gambling for money in a poker game like this is illegal, so if someone wanted to find out if there was a poker game going on, the bartender shouldn't be so quick to say that it's in the backroom. He could loose his license. Maybe have the bartender go to the backroom and let them know that there is a stranger out there asking questions about the game. Since Cap is on a winning streak he would probably be the one to check him out, and be more than happy to let him into the game with that much money. The other thing was after Cap cut the cards, they were shuffeled again. I've never done it that way. We usually have someone cut if they want to, then deal the cards. Other than that, I loved it. The pacing, the story, and the surprise ending. Never saw that ending coming. It was pretty cool. Very, very good stuff.  :) Cindy

Cindy,

Thanks for calling me out on this.  Being somebody that really never played cards (except for gin), I was hoping that someone who did would let me know what I was missing or botching in regards to the technical stuff.

Glad you liked the ending.   :)


Mike

I really liked this one Mike.  I knew something was fishy about INFERNO from the very beginning.  I now see the foreshadowing in Player 3's words at the very beginning(which I won't give out for those who haven't read this piece yet).

Awsome twist by the way.  Never saw that one coming in a million years.

Another good script, Mike. I'm a bit of an online texas hold 'em nut so this caught my attention.

As Helio says, it'd make a good low budget short. I kind of saw the ending coming but I liked the  way Dante had a special deck of cards.

I think you got most of the jargon right but one thing stood out. At one point Cap says he has a Straight to the nine.  Ace kicker. The kicker is irrelevant if he has a straight, only the 5 best cards count.

Anyway, another enjoyable script. That's 3 out of 3 today.

Hey, Mike.  This will have (SPOILERS) right off the bat:

This was another nice one, again, with great dialogue that is so funny while looking completely tossed-off at the same time.  "Sigfried and Roy" and "Jack...and sh*t".  That stuff just cracked me up.

And, as I suspected, Cindy's comments should be taken on board.  He works his way into this game far too easily.

But I don't get all the people who were so surpised by the ending.  Maybe it's because horror is my favorite niche, but I knew right where this was going from the moment these characters began drawing breath.  I mean, not exactly where this was going, of course (the final frames held a nice surprise), but I was pretty close.

And it was the dude's name, "Inferno", and the foreshadowing mentioned by TIN, that gave it away for me.

I am not saying this isn't a good piece -- I liked it just fine -- but for me, I would change the name and lose the aforementioned line from Player 3.

You are not playing your cards "close to the vest" by putting these type of details out there.  Foreshadowing is one thing, but these are too straightforward, I think, and I suspect you are giving too much away too early.

Quoted from bert Hey, Mike.  This will have (SPOILERS) right off the bat: This was another nice one, again, with great dialogue that is so funny while looking completely tossed-off at the same time.  "Sigfried and Roy" and "Jack...and sh*t".  That stuff just cracked me up.

You know I can't write anything without throwing some stuff like that in.

Quoted from bert And, as I suspected, Cindy's comments should be taken on board.  He works his way into this game far too easily.

Yes, I truly know nothing about poker.

Quoted from bert You are not playing your cards "close to the vest" by putting these type of details out there.  Foreshadowing is one thing, but these are too straightforward, I think, and I suspect you are giving too much away too early.

I used the obvious tips as a way to get people thinking that this was going to be a soul selling type thing, so the actual ending would be even more of a surprise.  I guess it worked to a point, but it could still use some tweaking.

Thanks for the feedback.

Mike

it was realy enjoiable and easy to read, a nice short story.

This was a breeze to read, 19 pages went by pretty fast.

SPOILERSSSSSSS

To start, Players 1-3 deserve names, maybe not like Timothy Michael Adams the second, but cool nicknames like Black Jack, or Juggling Joker, or something.  They weren't just one line extras, and reading Player 1 Player 2 Player 3 can get confusing.

I don't know why, but I cracked up when Inferno introduced himself.  I also laughed during Starrbuck Star when Moloch said "And give my regards...to the inferno!"  I don't know why, I guess the word inferno just cracks me up for some reason.  That being said, I think you can formally introduce his name when he first enters the building, rather than waiting for him to say it.  I don't know how correct this is format-wise, but it just seems off to have him be TALL MAN for 3 pages, then INFERNO for the rest.  Maybe this can be clarified to me by someone.

When Cap gets the flush toward the end and starts smiling and giving himself away, I just don't think a poker player of his calibur would do that, even if he has nothing to lose.

"He throws his hands in the air and jumps up from the table."  "He lays his cards down on the table and continues to celebrate." Well, Cap is very energetic upon seeing the flush, so I don't see how he can throw his hands in the air, jump up, then neatly put the cards on the table without dropping one or something.  This is kinda pointless but it just kinda got me questioning  :X

I knew something big was going to happen at the end, but I didn't see this one coming a mile away.  Totally unexpected.  I knew Inferno was an odd name for someone, but it paid off in the end.   Jimmy Hoffa and AMELIA* Earhart, very nice touch to the end.  The one thing I'm left wondering is why these two were there?  I know they disappeared, but this guy is the devil, and as far as I know Hoffa and Earhart weren't folks that fit into Hell's description, but then again I never did any extended research on them so I don't know.  But hey, what a way to end a story!

Cap was very well developed.  He's the kind of greedy playboy that nobody likes and it was really good to see him get his at the end.  You also developed Inferno very well.  Even though he's the devil, you keep him mellow and chilled throughout the story.  His lines are intelligent and work well.  Actually, I think all of the dialogue was well done.

Overall, a breeze to read.  You avoided those jokes for this one to keep it a mysterious, thriller, maybe even dark comic genre.  Very well done!

Hey Mike,

I enjoyed reading this for the most part but had two major problems.

One, I don’t know squat about poker. When I see movies centering on card games I have to rely on the drama to kind of guide me in order to enjoy it. You did a good job of writing it such that it didn’t require extensive knowledge, which is good, but of course the reason I don’t know how to play is because it doesn’t really stimulate me.

Kind of like sports films only I’d rather see a poker film than a sports film. However, I’m sure my lack of knowledge diffused its effectiveness to some degree.

And two, you have some clichés that kind of hurt it in my opinion.

SPOILERS

Player 2 scratches his head in wonder. Later Cap furiously scratches his head. Do people actually do this? I know it’s been a film and TV cliché for many years but I don’t believe I’ve ever seen this in real life. I could be wrong.

If some rich guy with a briefcase full of money waltzed in and started kicking my butt at cards, I’d think he was a hustler. Yet no one suspected.

I could see the whole “it’s the devil” thing. It was very telegraphed. Naming him Dante, nicknamed Inferno, didn’t help disguise it. I was okay with that, though, because the character was well written up until…... horns? I thought he was going to have a tail and pitchfork.

I did enjoy it overall though. It seemed to me that maybe you were concentrating so hard on the basic premise of it (which was good) that you maybe rushed the actual dialogue and character development a bit.

Recap

Premise: good. Writing: good. Description: very good except for the head scratching (which kind of made me think of cartoons) and a devil with horns may as well have hoofed feet, a goatee and look like Bela Lugosi (actually that would be cool).

Greg,

Thanks a bunch for the feedback.  As far as I know, a character should be referred to by their general description (Tall Man, Cop, Hooker, etc.) until they are referred to by name.  I can see where you're coming from with the 3 page thing, but I was thinking of maintaining a little aura of mystery with him for a bit.

I didn't give Players 1-3 names because I didn't think they were that important to the story.

And I totally agree that inferno can be a funny word, but I think Bert's usage in Starrbuck Star is much funnier because of the pause, and it doesn't tip anything off.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson However, I’m sure my lack of knowledge diffused its effectiveness to some degree.

Probably not.  I myself, know nothing about poker, and most of my references were found through online research.

SPOILERS

Quoted from Breanne Mattson Player 2 scratches his head in wonder. Later Cap furiously scratches his head. Do people actually do this? I know it’s been a film and TV cliché for many years but I don’t believe I’ve ever seen this in real life. I could be wrong.

No, you're probably right.  I'm just one of those people who does a lot of talking with their hands, and it probably creeps into my characters.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson I could see the whole “it’s the devil” thing. It was very telegraphed. Naming him Dante, nicknamed Inferno, didn’t help disguise it. I was okay with that, though, because the character was well written up until…... horns? I thought he was going to have a tail and pitchfork.

I tipped the devil a little bit (ok, maybe a lot) on purpose.  I was hoping that people would kinda get the devil thing in their minds and then presume that Cap was going to be offered to sell his soul for the buy in money, but then get thrown for a loop.  The horns under the hat was just a little more of a descriptive thing for me since I kinda pictured Inferno looking like Jason Lee in Dogma, only a little older.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson I did enjoy it overall though. It seemed to me that maybe you were concentrating so hard on the basic premise of it (which was good) that you maybe rushed the actual dialogue and character development a bit.

:)  This whole script was rushed.  Three hours in the writing here, done during scattered breaks and lunchtime of a dead workday.


Thanks a lot for taking a look.


Mike

Hey Everyone,

I've begun a rewrite on this, and was hoping for thoughts on one idea I have.  First of all I will be changing:


SPOILERS FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NOT READ IT







A)  The technical stuff definitely
B)  The way in which Dante works his way into the game
C)  Dante's name

And lastly, and this is the one I'm really hoping to get thoughts on....

D)  Rather than simply taking off his hat, revealing a set of horns, and saying "I'm the devil"  I was thinking of him saying something like "Someone of consequence, or consequences in your case"  and then adjusting his hat, which causes his white suit and hat to turn a bright red color, with a red tie and black shirt to match.  I wouldn't want the change to be instant though.  I was hoping to have an effect where the color starts at his hat and runs down toward his feet.

Huh?  Huh?

Yeah, that could be cool.

I had another problem with this that occurred to me later.  The very, very last thing in the script -- the cards -- you know what I'm talking about.

How is it, exactly, that the audience will "know" who these people are?.  I mean, sure, they are relatively famous.  But simply from pictures on a card?  I mean, if I just pulled out a picture of the guy, would you know immediately who it was based upon the photograph alone?

There should be some way to make it clear who these people are.  From a visual standpoint alone, I'll bet lots and lots of people don't "get" it, you know?  I am not sure I would have.

Something to think about.  

I think the suit thing is alot slicker than the horns, so yeah, go for it.  Also, please, pretty please, give players 1-3 names!!  Nicknames or something...it goes good with Inferno.

Quoted from greg I think the suit thing is alot slicker than the horns, so yeah, go for it.  Also, please, pretty please, give players 1-3 names!!  Nicknames or something...it goes good with Inferno.

Ok, I will give Players 1-3 proper names, but I'll also have to disappoint you since there will be no more Inferno.

Inferno has been thrown to the inferno, and shall return with a different name that is not.......Inferno.

Hope all those "Infernos" gave you a chuckle.

Anyway, I've come up with a new name that I think will work without tipping anything.

Very nice. The name of the devil as dante and inferno has been brought up so many times that I won't bother you with it again.

This was definetely a gripping script and could be made into a darkly humourous film, quite a bit of black comedy involved.

by the way. which type of poker is he playing? 5 card draw or 7?
I got a bit confused over that point reading a previous post.

anyway, nice script.

also about the revealing of the devil... I remember an old irish myth which had the player bending down to pick up a card under the table and seeing hooves for feet...

Hey Sharkey,

Thanks for taking a oook at this.  Most of the issues with this have been re-written, I've just been to lazy to submit it. :)

I sitched Dante/Inferno's name to Hoyle, in reference to Hoyle brand playing cards.

They were playing 5 card.

I do know of the myth you speak of, although I haven't heard it for quite some time.  I changed the reveal to something a little more subtle, although it requires a greater effect.  Basically, he adjusts his hat, turning it red, and the red flows downward changing the color of his entire suit.

Thanks again, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from Shelton Thanks for taking a oook at this.

What a coincidence...

...every time Shelton puts up something new, I, too, say, "Oook!"

Quoted from bert ...every time Shelton puts up something new, I prepare myself to mesmerized by his wonderful screenwriting capabilities

Gee, thanks Bert!

Mike

Post the new draft and I'll give it a review..

I have read the earlier draft and agree with what a lot of posts say here..

You have a good story with good characters and a good premise and a kind of interesting end but I'm not sure if it works as it is.. As I said, I'd very much like to read your latest draft before I make any comments.

There are a few aspects of this screenplay as it stands in this draft which can be hacked to death with a chainsaw, it could be tightened, Power Verbs introduced, better back story, names given and bios written for the minor characters. I would also like to see better bios for the main characters too and these were a little thin.. Some of the scene descriptions could be improved some so they read a little better.. There is other stuff but you do have a good story here and it kinda’ works but me thinks it could be so much better if you worked on it some more..

As I mentioned, upload your next draft and I'll give you a more up to date critique.

Kevan

Hey Kevan,

There's a revised version up now.

I'm indifferent towards the ending.

I think it;s neat, but is totally random and seems out of place.

SPOILERS



Hey Mike, I caught something on page 10 you will probably want to change.
They deal out 5 cards, but he has 7 of them in his hand that you show what they are.

My thoughts - You could also do away with the special effects at the end. Show Cap's picture on the card and no longer in the room. Hoyle could still tell about the other two people at the end,  ;D only have him talk to the card with Cap on it.

Cindy  

where is the revised version? I can't find it anywhere... could you help me out on that one?

also, about the fading colour of the devils clothes, maybe subtle changes throughout the script would make it slightly more exciting? maybe not, whatever you think...

The usual Suspect,

By random do you mean unexpected?


Cindy,

I went back and looked at page 10, but for the life of me I can't see what you're referring to.

Sharkey,

The revised version is in the link of the first post by Don.  It just took the place of the old version.

sorry, checked the post... still same old, same old...

Mike I went back and had another look at it, thinking it could be from fuzzy brain while drinking my morning coffee.

This is what you wrote that confused me...

Cap picks them up and deals out five cards to himself and Hoyle.

***He picks up his hand, and he is holding a six, seven, eight, ace, and three of mixed suits.

1 six, 2 seven, 3 eight, 4 ace, 5, 6, and 7 three mixed suits. LOL!

Maybe you might want to say which suit each card is as with the number.

I think he means and a 3, all of the cards are mixed suits.

I noticed that you mention the man's name, then when he goes to see cap and the others, you call him The Tall Man again. Once you've established his name, you don't need to go back to th tall man just because he's introducing himself to new characters. We, the reader have already met him, so we know who he is.

By random I mean, it didn't seem to flow with the rest of the script. MAYBE I missed subtly hints to his real image, but it was out of place to me.

You got it, five cards, all mixed suits.  Probably should have written that clearer.


The going back to the Tall Man, was probably a mistake on my part.  When I did the name switch I probably missed one.


With the ending, I tried to make this as more of a twilight zone type script, and there are some subtle hints throughout, although nothing too obvious, that helps clarify the ending.  Thanks for taking a look at it.

This was excellent! Hoyle came off as suave and sophisticated the moment he appeared and one Cap decided to play with him, I had a feeling things weren't going to end well so the suspense throughout was great. I enjoyed the ending and the dialogue was spot on as well. Very few problems here although I'm sure someone's already mentioned Hoyle being introduced as Tall Man. I also think Atlantic City was brought up a few times too many. It's quite obvious what Cap's plans are after the first conversation. I enjoy poker as much as the next guy but some of the card jargon was a little confusing as well. But I suppose these guys are big time players so it wouldn't be appropriate to dumb down their dialogue just for people who aren't big time card players. Other than that, really solid short you've got here. Good job.

Also, I believe that they play Texas Hold Em in professional poker areas, such as Atlantic City. So it would be contradicting to have them play 5 card stud.

Quoted from TheUsualSuspect Also, I believe that they play Texas Hold Em in professional poker areas, such as Atlantic City. So it would be contradicting to have them play 5 card stud.

Really?  I was under the impression that casinos didn't limit themselves to only one kind of poker.  I'll have to look into that.

I could be wrong, but I know that that is the main problem that many people had with the film "SHADE".

PART ONE OF REVIEW

CONTAINS *** SPOILERS ***

Okay Mike, here's the review as promised..

Like I originally said in my previous post you've got a very good story here, I like the fact you set up the situation and use this in early dialogue which you also pay off at the end.

Your dialogue is pretty good for the most part but there are a couple of lines I'd reduce here and there just to make it a little snappier.

Your characters, particularly CAP is well thought out and he sure has a mean streak which comes through very well - he's also greedy but we won't go into that.

I would like to read more about the other characters around the card table when you open the first scene and me thinks you flash past this bit a tad too quick. If you spent a little more time describing the characters around the table, describe it like a flowing camera as it glides round the table you'd pull me in more. This way you could go to each of the card players one by one. You could open up at the end of a game, each of the card playes holding their hand and as a device glide slowly to each character in turn, show their hand by describing this to the reader but at the same time this would be a great moment to describe your character bio for that character. Then move around the table to the next character and repeat the same and so on and so forth.. This would be a cool opening and at the same time would enable you to describe all the characters and set the scene all in one scene. Sure it would be a longer scene but this would improve it many fold in my opinion.

Once you have described all the characters in the card game around the table we would be in a better position to appreciate the rest of the unfolding drama - just an idea Mike, a suggestion to stimulate your creative juices..

What I mean, rather than call them PLAYER #2 and PLAYER #3 give them names and bios this would sure lift your script some..

Quiet a few of your action descriptions have emotions in them and some need to be clarified as a reaction to an event.

On PAGE #1 for example:

The other three men throw down their cards in disgust.

The above implies that all three men are in a single shot and although I have no problem with this I do with your description of "Disgust" it's a throwaway line like a writer would end line in a sentence in a novel or short story.

Now if you write it like this for example:

One after the other, Player #1, Player #2 and Player #3 each in turn throws their cards down on the table with a look of disgust on their faces.

I appreciate that it's a longer description but you really need to describe what can be photographed and next you're giving the actors cues how to react and personally I reckon this is the best way to write it. Only an example but I should at least adopt writing your scene descriptions in this manner because they are not only photographable but they read better too..

PAGE #2

You did it again:

Player 2 scratches his head in wonder.

I appreciate you want to write economical but you need to describe the character's behavior as a reaction to whatever preceded it.

I would write it like this for example:

Player #2 scratches his head an expression of wonder in his eyes.

The reason I've used "eyes" is because people’s eyes widen when they see or hear something amazing but to describe it like this gives the actor a cue what you actually mean - the key is "expression" i.e. facial and eyes..


INT. POOL HALL, FRONT - NIGHT

A TALL MAN in a black suit, carrying a briefcase, and wearing a fedora, stands in the doorway of the pool hall surveying the land.  There isn’t a soul in the place except for a bartender.

You could improve the forward flow of your script by the use of Action Verbs so this provides the reader with a sense of movement and forward action like so:

INT. POOL HALL, FRONT - NIGHT

A TALL MAN in a black suit, carries a briefcase, and wears a fedora he stands in the doorway of the pool hall and surveys the land.  There isn’t a soul in the place except for a bartender.

I wouldn't have thought "There isn't a soul in the place except for the bartender" is photographable and I would re-write this so the shot communicates exactly what you mean like so:

INT. POOL HALL, FRONT - NIGHT

A TALL MAN in a black suit, carries a briefcase, and wears a fedora. He stands in the doorway of the pool hall and surveys the land.

The bar is empty, at the far end of the room a BATRENDER.

The two sentences are in fact two shots. The first is the man entering the building showing what her wears how he looks and what he is carrying etc. But the second sentence is his POV shot what he sees and should be on a separate line to communicate this fact. Like I have done in my example above..

Also on PAGE #2

The tall man stiffly walks over to the bar, and takes a seat.

The above action description could be improved some like this for example:

The Tall man, stiff and upright, puts one foot before the other and steps over to the bar.

You'll find it reads much better. I've also replaced "Walks" with "Steps" because "Walks" is over used way too much by writers and I agree with those who find alternatives based on the mood and intension of the character within the scene etc. Yes I have used "steps" but you could easily substitute this will "slides" or "shuffles" or maybe something more sinister, depends what you want to communicate in this action description.

I can find lots of these in your script. I'm not criticizing just pointing this stuff out so you can see it for yourself with the hope you can see the benefit of writing like this yourself. Sure reads better and makes for a more pro looking script..

PAGE #2

The bartender begins preparing the drink.

Here's another example of how to improve the above line:

The Bartender prepares a drink.

Says the same thing but in the present tense. Reads better too..

You could take your time here and show the bartender actually preparing the drink and if so then you could describe what he is doing and show us what he is doing before he goes to his next line. Sure would look interesting on the screen.

PAGE #3

He finishes preparing the drink and places it in front of the tall man.

Again this action description is in the past tense and doesn't have the forward movement or present tense feel to it and could be improved. Here's an example again:

The Bartender places the drink on the bar and slides the glass towards the Tall Man on the opposite side.

Now the above action description read just like you would see on the screen and expect it to look..

Just observation is all..

PAGE #3 again..

The tall man places his briefcase on the bar and opens it to reveal that it’s full of money.  The bartender’s eyes light up.  The tall man takes out a one hundred dollar bill, and places it on the bar.

Now there's nothing actually wrong with the above action descriptions but you have made the mistake of bunching them up in one shot. Here's an example of how you can split these up by inserting a close up:

The tall man places his briefcase on the bar and opens it.

Inside the open briefcase it is stacked full of paper money.

The bartender’s eyes light up.

The tall man takes out a one hundred dollar bill, and places it on the bar.

Now you have four shots.

#1 Master scene/shot placing the briefcase on the bar.

#2 Close up inside the case.

#3 close up of the bartender showing his eyes light up.

#4 back to master scene/shot Tall man takes money out of case and hands this to the Bartender.

The above reads like it should in a script and translates into shots.

Also on PAGE #3

The tall man closes the briefcase, picks up his drink, and heads toward the back room.  The bartender watches him walk away, picks up the dollar bill, and inspects it.

CONTINUED:

REVIEW PART TWO

CONTAINS ** SPOLIERS **

The above are bunched again and should be split to show these as separate shots.. Like so:

The tall man closes the briefcase, picks up his drink. He moves away from the bar heads toward the back room.

The bartender watches him walk away then picks up the dollar bill, and inspects it.

This reads much better now and we can see these descriptions are separate shots.

PAGE #3 again..

INT. POOL HALL, BACK ROOM - NIGHT

Cap laughs as he collects yet another pot.


INT. POOL HALL, BACK ROOM - NIGHT

Cap places his cards on the table this reveals a winning hand. He leans over to the center of the table to grab the money in the pot. As Cap gathers the money he lets out a sneaky laugh under his breath.

The above reads better, the action also read like a camera shot.

You have FADE IN: and FADE OUT: on PAGE #6 and I would remove those and find an alternative solution to describe the passage of time..

LATER is good.. This would also imply to the director who makes this flick that there has been a passage of time.

If the two other card player characters are not there after that passage of time I would write some dialogue to talk about them being gone and why just so the audience can hook into the fact they lost their money and split. I know I mentioned the opposite when you said something similar in your critique of my MAN WITH A PROBLEM screenplay but in this script we are in a card game and the passage of time needs to reflect the fact and why the two other card players have split. This would confirm this very fact for an audience..

What I'm saying Mike is only write stuff in your scene descriptions what can be photographed. If you write that the two other card players are not there anymore this is something you will not be able to photograph you need to explain this in dialogue..

PAGE #7

Cap puts down the rest of his hand, which is made up of assorted worthless cards.

The above is a literal description not a photographable one. How would the audience know if the cards are "worthless" or not? You can only inform the audience is they are "worthless" or not by a character reacting to the hand. Sure you can describe the cards which are placed on the table so the camera can photograph the cards and show them on screen but if the cards are worthless this must be said by a character.. Indeed in your next line CAP says "And shit!" so we know this is a worthless hand. Try not to write it in your scene descriptions, these are literal not photographable.

PAGE #8

Cap picks them up and deals out five cards to himself and inferno.  He picks up his hand, and he is holding a six, seven, eight, ace, and three of mixed suits.  He looks up at Inferno, who is completely stone faced.

The above seems jumbled and bunched and could be separated to make better sense of the shots. Like this for example:

Cap picks up the deck and deals out five cards to himself and inferno.

He picks up his hand, and he is holding a six, seven, eight, ace, and three of mixed suits.  He looks up at Inferno.

Inferno's face is expressionless - stone faced.

Again, this description has been split into three shots and works much better for it.

PAGE #8 again..

Cap picks up his two cards, a five, and a nine, giving him a straight.  Inferno throws another fifty on the table.

Again the above description could be split so you don't have to stick to a master scene or master shot. You could do this for example:

Cap picks up his two cards, a five, and a nine, giving him a straight.

Inferno throws another fifty on the table.

The above two lines of description can now be a medium shot or a close up so you're giving the director the opportunity to choose either and or one of the other.. Always a good idea to imply if you can and you can by choosing to describe a character's facial expression or a reaction and then the director would probably plummet for a close-up.. It's all implied in how you write these things..

Okay, I reckon I've done enough of this. I think you get the picture of what I mean..

There's not much wrong with your dialogue, it works well with the unfolding drama, there's some good through-lines and there is conflict within the text too which enable the story and drama to move forward, so this is good.

I'm not too sure about the ending. I remember you're previous revision of this script and now this revision which shows the INFERNO character where his suit turns to red and he then magically captures poor CAP somehow in the pack of cards. And you also mention that two other cards contain two other famous missing personalities but I'm not sure this works. Plus this is only an 18 page script and it would stand a better chance of getting made if you didn't hinder yourself with special effects which are very costly and expensive.

It would be far more practical and cheaper to have INFERNO just removes his hat to reveal he has a pair of horns, far more realistic.

Same with the actual denouement, sure you can have CAP disappear in a cliché puff of smoke but again I'd choose something simple but something which will be equally as effective in communicating the punch you want. If you do choose something more simple and basic it'll be less expensive to make and you may actually get a filmmaker interested in filming this cute little tale.

Don't take what I've written personally here Mike, they're only suggestions offered in the hope these help in some way for anther re-write..

Overall you have a great little story here with a couple of good main characters. You could improve it some by improving the descriptions of your minor characters, your shots descriptions, adding Power Verbs and maybe changing the ending so it reads a little more believable I reckon you'll be on to a real winner..

Well done Mike..


Kev

Hey Kevan,

Thanks for taking a look at this.  The version currently posted is somewhat newer than the one you read and reviewed (Secondary players have names, Inferno's name has been changed, and I've fiddled with the ending), but I definitely agree with some of your suggestions for action verbs and what not.

In recent works I've been trying to use words like "saunters", "shuffles" etc. instead of just walking, and have made a concious effort to stop my characters from "beginning" to do things and just having them do them.

There's a REALLY alternate version of the script in my comp files that I probably won't be uploading, but have been thinking about switching it around to make an entirely different script altogether.

Yo Mike. Cool script.

I've played poker before, and everything that has been said about poker in the script has been covered here.

This flowed well and had a very cool ending. I would have liked a hint (or maybe I just didn't pick it up) near the start that Hoyle was the kind of guy he was. I suppose his name was a hint.

Well done.

Hey Tommy,

Thanks for reading, and the "super bump".  Glad you enjoyed it.

I have to admit that I get a little nervous when I see these older scripts jump back up.  Not because they're bad or anything, but the writing is considerably different than what I do now.  If memory serves, this was the first short I ever submitted here outside of an OWC (my first script overall was a feature), and I was really just getting into writing.

I wanted Hoyle to have a little bit of mystery to him, making him seem like any other gambler, or even Cap's "mark" until the story progresses and you really start to wonder about him.  I always thought of this script as something you might see on The Twilight Zone.

Anyway, thanks again for checking it out.