Secret Door by Daniel Robinson - Short, Horror - Two boys go into a house to look around. What they find is a strange old man who wants revenge. - doc, format 8)

You submitted four scripts at once?  Wow....

I read this one and found some problems.  For starters, your characters are very flat.  I couldn't tell the difference between the two kids (who's names escape me even after I just finish reading the script).  You have to do something to make them different.

Your dialogue was extremely on-the-nose.  Encyclopedia entries are not as concise as your dialogue.  If someone asked a question, it was answered quickly, thoroughly, and accurately.  No one talks like this!

The story moved too quickly to build any sort of suspense.  Slow things down, add some fluff to what you write.  Establish a mood.

I'm going to guess that the other scripts you submitted suffer the same problems.  Look them over.  You may have to rewrite them.


Phil

I'm done reading the script. Here is my reveiw:

*spoilers*

The characters Randy and Tommy are seventeen. But they act so childish and they don't act like teenagers today. It's strange when the old man is introduced to them and Tommy just strangely sits on the ground waiting to ask for a story. Another thing is the dialogue is too fast. The characters seem a little out of control just getting angry and reply quickly before the person can finish speaking. It seemed like they jump to conclusions so quickly and they suprisingly gets it right.

The house was not much described when we were first introduced to it. So was the old man. But since the old man said "I live here a long time" I guess you can imagine that the place is old building up with dust.

The "story" of the man and his son...I did not kind of get it at the end. How can the old man blame Randy?

If you clear those things up for me, I'd understand it better.

Hope this helps.

E.T.

I guess Randy was supposed to be an obnoxious-tough-kid who deny anything he doesn't like.

Hello All,

Thanks for the feedback,
Randy's charactor is the tough kind, He is like a small town bully and doesn';t like to be confronted but the story does need work and this is just my first draft.
Thanks again and I'll re-post soon
Dan

Hey all,

This script is no longer avalible

Thanks again,
Dan

{Don's note: Dan's script was recently optioned}