Rose by Jay Corona - Short - A middle-aged, middle class man compares his undying love for his wife to the delicacy of a rose. - doc, format 8)

Jay,

Just read this....interesting, but I have a few suggestions.


SPOILERS


First, and I do this a lot myself, your descriptions are too long.  Try to break them up after a sentence or two.  On the same note, I think your dialogue can be shortened, and still have the same effect in spots.

a (pause) is a (beat), but use these sparingly.  Periods serve as natural pauses.

I think the scene with Harry getting out of bed is unnecessary.  I know it plays into the ending, somewhat, but I think it would still work without it.

Also, when he leaves the florist, instead of cutting back to him sitting in the dark room, just use a v.o., because it's really just a short piece of dialogue and can keep the story moving without the transition.

Speaking of transisitons, don't use "CUT TO's".  The slugline serves as your transistion.

My best guess at the true meaning of what's behind the story is the old adage "Never go to bed angry", if that makes sense.  It does to me, but that's because I'm married :)

What I was really hoping for, and actually as I'm writing this I'm thinking it may be the actual ending, was him trying to preserve the body by surrounding it in roses.  The "hide odors" line in the florist shop is a perfect setup for it, and again, if that is the actual ending I'm sorry I missed it at first.