I'm an novice writer... in fact i cant write for shit. I do have ideas though.
Well I found this site not too long ago... and i noticed there are a lot of talented writers on this site.... and these discussion boards give a lot of really great feed back....

So with that said... i decided to post one of my ideas for a screenplay.

I'm looking for creative feedback, critiques, constructive criticism.
my writing is not the issue - i know i suck...its the idea of the story im looking for feedback on.

I need some help, if any "talented writers" are interested in further development - maybe turning this into a top notch treatment...or maybe even a screenplay.... email me at Herodreamer79@yahoo.com and we'll talk.

that said - here's my "idea"

Jack & Jill
(Working Title)

SCRIPT TREATMENT
Written by Chris Penoyer

© Copyright 2005
All rights reserved

GENRE: THRILLER, DRAMA
(Crush/Lolita/Fatal Attraction)

CHARACTERS
Jack Russell
Jill Russell
Nina Sullivan
Sierra Sullivan

Jack and Jill (late 20’s early 30’s) have been married for about a year. Jack comes from a rich family, Jill from a poor family. They have recently moved into their first house together (one which they had built and designed themselves – cause Jack is rich.)

Jill is a registered nurse at a local hospital… Jack is a sales consultant for high tech companies… and works for himself out of the house

They are totally fallen for each other. The fire is still there… they are taken by each other.

There has been a recent tragedy in Jill’s family. Her estranged sister and her abusive husband were found dead in their house. Apparently they killed each other after one of their fights went way too far. (This story would probably begin after the funeral… or it would open with it… not sure yet.)  

As a result of this, Jill has agreed to temporarily take in her estranged sister’s twin daughters – Nina and Sierra.

Nina and Sierra are 17 years old. They are IDENTICAL TWINS. Even their parents had trouble telling them apart.

The beauty of these girls puts Jack on the defensive right off the bat. When the twins show up they sort of have this yin/yang quality to them.

Nina is sweet and innocent, polite and well mannered. She seems to be taking the loss of her parents pretty hard.

Sierra is wild and volatile. Right from the get go she is making sexual passes at Jack. Flirting with him at every opportunity. If she’s grieving the loss of her parents… she sure isn’t showing it.

With Jill being a registered nurse… she works lots of long hours… and because Jack works out of the house… he is around the twins a lot.

With Sierra making all sorts of passes at him, Jack avoids Sierra and ends up spending a lot of his time with Nina…

Before long Jack has unexpectedly and unwittingly bonded with Nina on some pretty deep emotional levels… much to the dismay of Sierra.

One night Jack catches up with Nina and they have a long emotional heart to heart conversation. One thing leads to another… Jack slips and sleeps with Nina.

After its all over… Jack realizes the complications of the situation… not only did he cheat on his wife… but with someone in her family… and plus… she’s a minor.

Nina and Jack swear this was a one-time thing and promise each other it will never happen again and swear themselves to secrecy. The matter is considered closed. Jill comes home and Jack acts as if everything in normal.

However things are anything but. In the first major twist of the story (probably to be seen coming a mile away) Jack discovers he didn’t sleep with Nina… he slept with Sierra pretending to be Nina.

Shortly after all this Jill reveals that she is pregnant with their first child.

Sierra begins to blackmail Jack forcing him to jump through several hoops and go to great lengths to keep his forbidden affair hidden from Jill. This would include sexual favors, misdemeanor crimes, handling Sierra’s dirty laundry; which would include an abusive boyfriend… all of these hoops would slowly escalate in severity.

In between jumping through Sierra’s hoops, Jack begins to do some digging for him self. He suspects something… and begins to look into the death of the twin’s parents… and the background of that family. What he turns up is a background of abuse the twins endured from their parents. They were both heavy drinkers and it was not uncommon for Nina and Sierra to witness their parents abusing each other in public.

The nature of their parent’s death seems suspicious… Jack begins to suspect Sierra killed her parents.

In the second major twist of the story Jack learns Nina and Sierra are not the yin/yang sisters they appeared to be… in fact they are a DUO. The yin/yang act was a façade to trap Jack… because Nina and Sierra are identical they can swap their identities at will.

It begins to appear that Nina seems to be the mastermind behind this duo… that she is a wolf in sheep’s clothing… while Sierra has no problem playing the evil twin.

Since Jack slipped up and had the affair… while all this is going down… Jack and Jill are slowly beginning to show cracks of mis-trust and mis-communication in their seemingly perfect marriage.  

At the height of all of this tension Jill begins to suspect something going on between the twins and between Jack – questioning his relationship with them. This leads to a big fight between Jack and Jill.

Jack’s whole world is starting to implode on him. His marriage is falling apart… the twins have him by the balls… their mind games have him totally off balance… paranoia and suspicion are driving Jack to the brink of madness.

Now Jack is beginning to suspect (with the help of the twins… and Jill’s own suspicious actions) that Jill is working in co-hoots with the twins. That this whole situation could be painting her out to be the mastermind behind this entire charade… with one simple purpose -to get to Jack’s money.

Jack driven by complete paranoia and madness decides he’s going to end this once and for all… he’s going to kill the twins. (He’s gotten pretty good at committing crimes and covering them up because of what he’s had to do for Sierra.)

Jack goes into his closet and gets out his own piece of private security – A gun.

Jack has a showdown with Sierra – he captures her… and ties her up in the basement… without knowing that Nina witnessed the whole thing.

It’s a race to the climax from this point on. Nina reveals to Jill that she had an affair with Jack. Feeding her fire she reveals that Jack believes he had the affair with Sierra and now is planning to kill her to keep it secret.

Jill gets a gun.

The climactic showdown is in the basement in a Mexican standoff. In the end Jack kills Sierra… and Jill kills Jack.

The police are called… with the help of Nina’s story… Jill fought back in self defense. Jack had an affair and tried to cover it up by killing Sierra. Jill tried to talk him down… Jack killed her… Jill shot back in self-defense. The matter is closed.

The story ends with Jill in the hospital giving birth to twin girls.

Nina is right by her side.

HD79,

I don't really know too much as far as treatments go, but after reading this, I think you've got things laid out fairly well.

With an outline like this, I would say go ahead and take a crack actually writing the script.  You say you suck, but you may surprise yourself.

Yeah.  That reads like a REALLY REALLY REALLY well thought out plot.  I like the names Jack and Jill, and I think that the twins at the end is a great way to end it.  Good luck.

trust me i've tried...but im no good with dialogue.... this story is way too complicated for me to pull off... i need a talented writer to collaborate with

A not so funny story is I was writing a similar idea that was going to be a short, I never actually finished it because I had bigger fish to fry.

Anyways I like the idea as I did the one I came up with which was different enough but has a similar outcome.

I never really thought of dialogue to be the problem with drama type screenplays that go a little further, it's filling the script with some entertaining ideas and not letting anything be wasted on pointless scenes or filler text that just tells what has already been said.

Really I'd suggest trying to write it yourself and if that doesn't work at least you have something to pass off to someone to rewrite and you can actually say you co wrote it. Find someone you can trust though, who will not steal the script if you get them to write it.

I'd offer my help but I with the little time I have anymore and the fact that it takes me about a year to write a feature length script that I can say I'm proud of and you probably need something done, well this year ha-ha it probably wouldn't be the best thing for you.

interesting. did yours deal with twins?

Yeah, that's why it was weird. I guess it goes to show nothing is original anymore but I still think you should write your idea and pass it off if you can't finish it.

I don't remember in recent memory seeing anything like this idea, along the lines of Employee of the Month where you just never know what's going on until the final few scenes.

i know what you mean though... that feeling of everything that you can possibly think of feels like its been done before. its hard. sometimes you just have to forget about all that and write what you want... and do your best to at least put a new wrinkle into the genre...

seriously how can anyone write a bank robbery story these days without thinking about or running into ideas that were used in "Heat" and "Reservoir Dogs"

How can you write a monster flick without crashing into what was done in "Aliens" and "Predator"

Quoted from Herodreamer79 i know what you mean though... that feeling of everything that you can possibly think of feels like its been done before. its hard. sometimes you just have to forget about all that and write what you want... and do your best to at least put a new wrinkle into the genre... seriously how can anyone write a bank robbery story these days without thinking about or running into ideas that were used in "Heat" and "Reservoir Dogs" How can you write a monster flick without crashing into what was done in "Aliens" and "Predator"

Main point is: you can't. EVERYTHING has been done before. There is nothing new under the sun. The trick is placing that creative twist on an old story. Time always moves forward, so new twists are inevitable.

It's not always easy to find that new and different twist, but it's out there. Sure, you usually end up writing another story about something that has gone before, but whatever you do write is yours and even if the idea sounds familiar, ideas can't be copyrighted (this cracks me up when I read about people stopping a script because it's similar to ______).

Need I remind everyone about the year we had Armageddon AND Deep Impact. Two big-asteroids-threatening-to-destroy-the-earth movies that were released at almost EXACTLY the same time. The funny thing was that those movies were different from each other. They took the same idea and each went similar, yet different directions with it.

Who knows? As you write about that plot you read on the back of the $1 DVD you passed up in the store, you might end up with a totally different story. Someone around here has what everyone is calling a "clone" of Skeleton Key. Once someone made that observation, he was doomed on that thread, but his script is probably still marketable. People write lots and lots and lots and lots of fan fics around here. What they probably don't realize is that with a minor tweaking of characters and back story, it becomes an original screenplay that can be sold. Personally, I have a couple of video game plots I'm rather fond of.

As I've always said, write your script. Who cares what has gone before?

your the man george.