To Kill A Mockingboy by Gregory J. Baldwin (Greg) - Short, Western - This is the strange tale of a strange boy with a strange habit. 17 pages.


Entry for the January '06 One Week Writing Exercise Thing - pdf, format 8)

This was a nice little tale that is really not a western (sorry). However, it does follow a good character progression, has some amusing moments, and ties itself up very nicely.

I thought the little skirmish behind the three who were chatting was very well done, and just telegraphed that someone obvious was going to get into trouble over that.

I thought it was odd that it was the kid who commented at the end about your Mockingboy saving the day, when it seemed more appropriate for one of the adults to comment on it.

That aside, I liked it. It was a fun and enjoyable read.

The title and logline are a bit misleading.  I went in expecting something supernatural, but this is more of a comical take on the assignment, and just barely a "Western" at all.

I'm at about 80% as far as knowing who wrote this one -- not only given the material, but also because the author actually names a character "Shrump."

Not much to dig on here.  Format and story are sound, and a few good laughs thrown in.  I particularly liked the pitched battle behind the grownups as they chatted, oblivious to what was going on around them.

I also liked, "Amuse yourselves...with the fascinating odyssey of history."  This character sounded exactly like he should have in real life -- is he being droll or sincere or is he ready to blow his brains out?  And does it even matter?

Mark's turnabout might have been a little abrupt, but given the page limitations, you did a great job with these characters.

I liked this.  I definitely wouldn't classify it as a western, and as I was sitting here reading, I couldn't help but wonder what the heck was going on and just exactly where this story was going, but all of that went out the window when I read this line:

Crap, my crack!

I don't know why, but I nearly fell out of my chair.

Good story, albeit not a western, but western themed nonetheless, and that's good enough for me.

It was good, but the Mark kid was still annoying ;@
By the way why did everyone suddenly forgot about Aaron.
Oh and site, shouldn't it be sight. Nitpicking
Crap, my crack was a funny line.

I liked this up until the ending.  I don't think that you have the audience against chris enough for us to really feel good about mark exposing him.  The whole relationship between mark and bobby is great, hilarious.  Another prblem with the ending though is marks own explanation of his mocking personality.  Dont have him explain why he mocks, that completely ruined it for me, let us figure oout on our own why he mocks.  Am I making sense?  I think that if you can add just a few pages after the contest, this script would be great.

A quick review of my tips:
1. Make us dislike chris even more (if possible make the kids less bratty and more innocent, making him look extremely out of line
2.Mark is not going to suddenly confess that just earlier he had been to shy to express himself in any way.  Don't have him talk to much at all. For example: "Mark, you talked!" "I guess so. Thanks for inviting me, sorry for being annoying." obviously not that blunt but you get the idea.

I liked this quite a bit though, and I think your log line is great

Just read this, then read the comments. I think Higgs is absolutely right about the ending. I found it a little abrupt and Mark's explanation is over the top.

That said, a very enjoyable script and I'm pretty sure I know who's behind it. You and your pesky kids!

Your washed up cowboy is called Chris Plummer. Haha! Was that deliberate?

I love how Bobby makes friends with Chris, their dialogue is very funny.

The fight scene in the background while the adults argue is very well written. You have the two major conflicts going off at the same time and it's quite effective.

I think the ending needs work. It felt like you hit the page limit and had to wrap it up quick. I think you could stretch this out just a bit and give the ending more impact.

Overall, good stuff. You had me chuckling.

Not really a western, but still a fun read. Loved the way Bobby and Mark became friends, although Mark irritated the shit out of me hehe. I found the character of Chris a bit problematic, as his develpopment felt a bit forced.

overall a cool read, and very well written.

-Herb

Read my next script:
Barbies and Blood

This was awesome!! How very different from all the other scripts I've read so far, even though it was loosely related to the western theme, it didn't really carry it off either, to be fair.

I think it read very easily and you did a great job of winding the reader up with that little Mark kid. God, how annoying was he? Well done. Made me want to smack him till he said that crap, my crack line. Toooooooo funny. Great stuff.

I honestly can't really fault this as it was too entertaining to notice anything in particular.  The only thing I didn't really like was when Mark spoke normally again. Just seemed too rushed.

Great job, whoever you are!

Andy x

Ha, I was dying to do this idea for the longest time and thought I could stretch out the western theme a bit with it.  Oh well.  Thanks for everyone who read!

This was pretty. It was well written and pretty funny at times. I do wish it could've been a bit more, well, western. A western-themed birthday doesn't quite cut it IMO though I wouldn't it's not breaking the rules, just stretching them a little, which is cool. I suppose Mark's talking was a little random at the end but I'm glad it happened since he manages to get accepted in the end. Other than that, this was some pretty funny stuff. Crackheads mixing with kids always makes for good comedy.

hey Greg,

I thought this was a pretty funny story, I wouldn't classify this as a western, but I liked it none the less.

I have been to one of these things before.  When I was little, on our way to Minnesota(that's where my mom is from), we stopped at one of these ghost towns that was turned into a tourist attraction.

I felt you got the kids down quite well, they sounded like kids, only other movies to get that was the goonies and both of the bad news bears, so good job there :)

Chris the cowboy was pretty funny, but he didn't seem like a crack head,  Crack heads are usualy really stung out and you can spot them from a hundred yards away, maybe just good old fashioned coke head(there is a little bit of a difference), you could have him rubbing his nose and shit like that.

I loved your title and it suited the story very well, great job there :D

was Bobby mentaly handicaped, kinda like forrest gump, I got the feeling he was.

Mark was a little shit, but it was funny how he was the one that nailed Chris in the end, good work there, it all lead up to something :)

all in all it was a fun read, it didn't seem like 17 pages at all.

good work. :D

Hey Jordan, thanks for checking this out.  Glad you enjoyed it!

And thank you Don for relocating and uploading the revised version.  I got rid of the original speech that Mark gives at the end which ruined the story for alot of people, plus a few other little thingies.

Thanks again

Hi Greg. Very good and very funny script! Good characters, fine dialogs and original, full of love and MATURE. Very good description, I could picture everything. I love the line to the brat about the bathroom.
Could be a part of a feature western film parody with kids as was Bugsy Malone at its time.
Cowboy Chris is very funny and pathetic. One question remains anyway: why hasn't he showered in two and a half week? Try to find him a good excuse.
Go on the same way

Michel ;)

Quoted from michel Hi Greg. Very good and very funny script! Good characters, fine dialogs and original, full of love and MATURE.

Hey Michel, thanks for checking this out and thanks for your words!  A good way to have fine dialogue is to just have one of your characters repeating everybody haha.

Thanks again :)

Well, this has an interesting title. I wondered what a mocking boy was. The answer was simple enough.

This was really cute. It was very funny in places and in the places where the story was just progressing, it was cute. You stuck with one of your strong suits here, which is writing about young pre-teens.

****SPOILERS****

When you first introduced Cowboy Chris, I didn’t know for sure if he was a kid or a man until his dialogue.

P10 - The adults have their backs faced to the kids. - backs faced is awkward. You could just as easily say they have their backs to the kids.

Some of Chris’s lines were hilarious - his response to horse kid and explaining where the bathroom is.

The only thing I didn’t understand was Aaron passing out. I’m not sure why that happened. The Aaron character (and Terry too for that matter) is sort of stuck between being a hero and a villain. When Aaron speaks of beating Mark up, the sentiment is pretty acceptable and on screen might even be looked forward to. Only at the actual scene does Aaron really come off as a bully.

I think it would be better set up for events to come if Terry is a little more sympathetic to the Mark character earlier on. That would leave Aaron to be portrayed as a little more villainous and would make the ending a little smoother, I think. Terry seems to almost do a 180 with his feelings toward Mark at the end. And Terry, who obviously got along with Aaron, didn’t seem to care for Aaron at all after Aaron passed out. He was pretty buddy-buddy with him before.

None of those things detracted from the enjoyment. It was cute and funny and moved along nicely. Format, spelling, grammar, all that were non issues here. It was good stuff.

Brea

Hey Breanne, thanks for checking this out.

Quoted Text The only thing I didn’t understand was Aaron passing out. I’m not sure why that happened

To Aaron, Bobby was speaking in the first person, then Mark gets up and starts mocking him so it all kind of explodes all at once with Aaron's mind spinning and stuff.

Quoted Text I think it would be better set up for events to come if Terry is a little more sympathetic to the Mark character earlier on. That would leave Aaron to be portrayed as a little more villainous and would make the ending a little smoother, I think

Very right you are!  Making Terry a more neutral character would make alot more sense and establish Aaron as the clear jerk.  See, I'm glad you read this.  You're always bringing up criticisms that haven't been mentioned but are key to the success of the story.  Much appreciated, Breanne!  Thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

Hey Greg

Just took a look at this, I laughed a couple times.  I found Cowboy Chris' character to be most interesting.  I wish he had been the main character, the social workers' questions of his actions (toilet, spit on a kid) made me laugh.  I liked him, he was a jerk, but his humor helped me identify with him.  I think the character itself would be worthy of a full length screenplay, it's very commercial, I guy who runs a kid tourist attraction - who absolutely hates kids.  There'd be plenty to work with.

As for the mocking boy, he just annoyed me, much like a parrot.  AT first their cool/funny, but after a week you find yourself "accidently leaving all the windows in the house open and the cage unlocked.  

The only thing I felt was off, was the random fighting.  I had a hard time picturing adults just oblivous to the fight.  It may be funnier to have cowboy chris distracting the social workers from this absolutely massive fight, right behind them.  

I found myself unconerned with the kids, and just wondering what was going to happen to cowboy chris.  The only other feedback I had was, some of the kid characters all kinda melded together, as  i had a hard time keeping who was who straight in my head.  It could've been a function of how little room you had to work with, but it was something I was thinking of.

My two cents.  

Jake