Mr. Silent by J.P.S. - Short, Comedy - Misdirection on Valentine's Day can cause a horrible thing to happen.  "Valentine's Day Visual Writing Challenge." 4 pages - doc, format 8)

This is my script for the Valentine's Day visual challenge. I notice in my script that there is one huge flaw, and my script is weird.

Suggestions are appreciated.

Hey J.P.S., just finished reading your short.

SPOILERS

I´m not sure if I got it right. That dark figure that follows Kattie... Who is he? What does he want? I suppose he´s kind of a secret admirer or something? I apologize if there´s any explanation about this that I could have missed.

I don´t think it´s really necessary to show so many Katie´s pictures. We can look at the real Katie and perfectly gather she´s sad. You did a good job in showing her alone, walking between happy couples. Contrast is a good writing technique to emphasize your character´s feelings; much more interesting than looking at static pictures, IMO.

I noticed some format mistakes in the script which can be easily be removed.

Try to avoid paragrahps longer than 3 lines (4 at the most), make your scripts "vertical" and easier to read. Big chunks of writing are a no-no in script format.

Avoid camera directions (pans, zoom out, etc). This is the director´s job and doesn´t belong to the script unless your directing/producing this yourself. Just focus on telling your story, which will flow much better without the camera directions.

Avoid using "we see"; it´s another no-no. Just tell us what we see. "Through the crowds, we see Katie walking down the streets" can easily become "Katie walks down the crowded street."

Avoid "CUT TO" or any other transition. They once belonged to spec scripts but no more; it´s considered old school and it doesn´t add anything to your story. Every slugline implies a new scene without need of a "cut to", and it´s up to the director to decide if the transition will be a "cut", "wipe", "dissolve", etc.

Avoid describing things the camera can´t record, like "Sitting next to her is MARK, someone she met". If this script is produced, as far as the audience knows, Mark could be Katie´s husband, brother, cousin, etc. Make sure to write relevant information in a way it can be recorded by the camera.

In sluglines just use DAY or NIGHT, and exceptionally DAWN or SUNSET. Avoid using NEXT DAY for example. This is another thing that cannot be put on screen. The audience will only gather it´s DAY; they won´t know if it´s the next day, or if a week has passed.

"The GRAVESTON is marked, ‘MARK GREENFIELD." It´s is clear in the script that we´re at the funeral of the guy who was with Katie in a previous scene. But how will this translate on screen? Mark is never called by his name so I doubt if the audience could make the connection and gather that is Mark who died. You´ll have to find another way of puting this information. Some flowers and a photo of Mark somewhere, maybe?

Nothing else to add, I hope I helped.

Initially I thought this was going to be a comedy about a woman who has an intimate relationship with her cell phone. That could have been funny. But alas, it was a story about a woman who had a secret admirer, who killed her new boyfriend. The story had a few interesting moments but no surprises or interesting developments after the first text message. It was fairly well written and held my interest for the most part. However, in the end it fell a little flat. I noticed you said this script was for the Valentines Day visual Challenge. Does this mean it had to be a purely visual script with no dialogue? If this is the case (or even if it isn't) you could turn this into a story about a woman who has a relationship with her cell phone, because the phone could show its emotions with different facial expressions appearing on its screen and we could see her set the phone to vibrate for the bedroom scene (if you know what I mean) Difficulties could arise for her when she decides to up grade to a more advanced model. The original phone could become jealous and turn nasty, then, who knows what could happen from there. I've probably over stepped the mark in giving you all these suggestions, as I've pretty much suggested a completely new story, but hey, that's the train of thought your story triggered in me.

Quoted from Takeshi,

"Initially I thought this was going to be a comedy about a woman who has an intimate relationship with her cell phone.  
Takeshi, you write that one, and I'll promise to read that one. That sounds hilarious to me.

I did find this story a bit confusing.

1. "nothing wrong or frightening about that house". Then it's just a regular house, right?

2.  Who takes a bunch of pictures of themselves when they're depressed and hangs them on the wall? Just a thought.

3. "Light shines out of the windows� probably meant in through the windows.

4. "The camera PANS".  Skip all camera directions.

5.  And the CUT TO:s

6.  I felt the cape was a bit strange, unless he's like Batman or something.

7.  As far as the MONTAGE thing I think you meant that we just followed her through the next few scenes. If that's the case, there's no need to write INT/EXT. Just tell us where she's going.

8.  Sun set, sunset

9. "Sitting on the crowd". Probably meant sitting in the crowd.

10. The figure in the cape is too insecure. If he wants to get near her he needs to quit acting like he's stalking her.

Just my opinion,
:)

Thank you for the comments, I really appreciate them.

Oops...I didn't want the secret admirer to wear a cape, I just didn't know how to make the admirer "secret." I didn't want to reveal the secret admirer's face or just show him with his actual face text messaging because that is a little unmysterious if that is even a word. I want the admirer to have a disguise.

I'm now thinking the pictures didn't work correctly. It is supposed to show how she gets sadder every day of her life. But now I wonder why the pictures are in there in the first place. I think I may need to fix that.

Thank you for the comments! They are really, really appreciated.

Quoted from tomson Quoted from Takeshi, "Initially I thought this was going to be a comedy about a woman who has an intimate relationship with her cell phone.   Takeshi, you write that one, and I'll promise to read that one. That sounds hilarious to me. :)

Oh, thanks tomson. I was actually offering those suggestions to "Extra Typing" if he wanted to use them. But if he doesn't, well, who knows.

JPS,  I read you work and I wont to say anymore than the others here did, but maybe if Mark was her secret admirer, huh? When we see the man in the cape Katie thoughts. Crazy isn't it?

How about the scene  we saw before the grave  if it was a flash back. She was thinking about Mark as she was in the cemetery.

Mr.Z was right when said about Mark's name. The aundience din't know that he is Mark Greenfield.

I'll try fixing that up with a second draft before the end of February. Thank you for the suggestions, I appreciate it. Mark is not the secret admirer, it was someone else. I guess I need to explain it better.

I know you're a young beginner, but I think you've come nicely since "Rip Park."  I too was confused at the end.  Was it a secret admirer who killed Mark at the end?  Is that what you were getting at?  

*You got some chunky description scenes in here.  Gotta cut those down.  Alot of the shtuff in there doesn't need to be said. "Her eyes show sadness and she hardly says a word"  She's alone, so why would she say a word?  Shtuff like that you can cut.
*"Sitting next to her is MARK, someone she met."  She met there?  She met before?  Where?  You can say "Sitting next to her boyfriend, MARK" or something of that sort, but the "someone she met" can be cut.

So, it was nicely written, but it could be alot better.  You've shown some improvement, so just keep it up!

Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it.

Mark is Katie's boyfriend and the secret admirer was the killer who killed Mark.

I'll try and fix those things up.