Flowers to Lisa Mansel by Helio J. Cordeiro - Short - Mixing up a special day, a kindly guy, an exigent woman, lot of flowers and you will have something to remember forever. Entry for the 'Valentine's Day Visual Writing Challenge'  5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Sorry, Helio, but you get the same treatment I gave Martin (at least you're in good company  :))

I don't know what the hell is going on here.  There is so much jumping around -- from place to place -- and even from time to time -- that it ends up being a jumble of images as opposed to a coherent story.  And then there is that weird montage stuck in the middle -- but it is only a single scene -- which is not a montage.

It's all so confusing...

Perhaps you have been spending too much time with your neighbor Kafka, eh?

I do like the ending, and there are plenty of amusing moments scattered throughout, but they add up to less than the sum of their whole without a firm structure to hang them on.

Hey Helio. Amigo, I´m sorry to tell you I´m also confused about this.

SPOILERS

I have this crazy idea about the script. Lisa rejects Malcom´s Valentine gifts year after year. So on one Valentine´s day Malcom kills her; so now he brings flowers to her grave and she can´t complain anymore. Is that right or I´m crazier than you?

Some quick comments about format which, IMO, will help you to write scripts faster and better to read.

For slugs: just DAY / NIGHT (or SUNRISE / SUNSET). Most writers/readers agree that MORNING or EARLY MORNING, etc, shouldn´t be used. And instead of MINUTES AFTER, just use LATER.

You can loose all your BACK TO MALCOM´s. By just describing Malcom´s actions, we know we´re "back to Malcom". Same with your BACK TO LISA.

You can loose the camera direction in page 4. "POV of Lisa shows Malcom holding the bouquet of wilting flowers" can easily become "Lisa watches Malcom holding the bouquet of wilting flowers". You give the same idea without including camera directions, and in that way you won´t have to tolerate jerks like me picking on you about that.  :)

I hope I helped.

Hey, amigos, Bert and Z!

I know, Bert, I'm in good company and also I'm together with Martin in top of the gallery of famous (ha-ha), but sometimes we do craziest things - no smoking, no sniffing just writing - maybe because we try to do our best.

"I have this crazy idea about the script. Lisa rejects Malcolm’s Valentine gifts year after year. So on one Valentine’s day Malcolm kills her; so now he brings flowers to her grave and she can’t complain anymore. Is that right or I’m crazier than you?"

Z amigo, in certain way you shot on the target. My problem was the back and forth I think.

Doesn’t matter, for the reason that we are learning all holy day, aren’t we?

Thanks  U 2 anyway!

Helio,

I read this and I don't think it was that confusing. A little maybe, but I think I know what you had in mind. I thought some of the things were amusing. I won't harp on your spelling and grammar, because I know what it's like to not have total command of the English language.

I generally enjoy your stories, even if they're not perfect, they usually have some quirkyness to them.

Another story where the guy is the one I felt sorry or sad for. Hmmm...
I hope you guys had a good Valentine's Day.......:-)

Helio,

I caught the general essenence of this story, but I too, think that it jumped all over the place, and that montage made no sense at all considering it was only one scene.


Story = Good
Structure = Eh, not so good.

Thanks tomson and Mike

I'm trying to have a domain on my stories but sometimes I'm long for to do it right and great leave to make lot mistakes...Anyway I'm thankfully with your supports ever!

This is a confusing script, but I can understand some of it. Some things leave me thinking, "Wait, what happened?". It just is so darn confusing...

Your have a few grammatical errors, but nothing out of the ordinary. I notice that for Valentine's Day people posted scripts without dialogue, which is a hard thing to accomplish in a script.

Overall your script was great and I had a few laughs here and there.

SPOILER

Okay, about the ending... I thought he had just seen her a few minutes before, and then she just died? I don't know if I didn't get it, or if that is just an error with the script.

Anyways, great job Helio, and I'm going to go check out some more of your stuff and see how well they are written. My final review for this is a 3/5. Good luck with future projects of yours.

-Jimbo

Hey, Jimbo! Thanks for your comments I'm trying to do my best in that challenges!

3/5 is great - I left just 2! They are Mike Shelton and Bert! I'll get 5 from you one day!

POSSIBLE SPOILERS

Hm, all right. Comedic and bittersweet. This was a cute little piece apparently about a loser who could never get the woman he wanted, and now he places flowers at her tombstone, only to have more accidents. Poor guy.

On the one hand, the basic storyline is sweet, but I would have liked to see some more development between them to really appreciate their relationship (or lack thereof). This piece was offset, though, by the slapstick comedy of falling in holes and near misses and such. If you were going for sweet, this blew it. If you were going for funny, the bittersweetness blew it.

I think this is a cross-genre offering that didn't work too well as a cross-genre.

George, let me read you review carefully. I did not understood because of my poor English (oh god!). I'll give you some comments, about, anyway thanks for you time, man!

Helio,

I enjoyed this, but I'll agree with the others who said it was confusing. I understood what you were trying to say, but the random events and time shifts had me lost at times.

Who am I to talk? I baffled a few people with my entry too :)

I think you can lose the BACK TOs. They really disrupt the flow and it feels like too much intrusive direction.

Overall, a fun read as usual.

Nice job!

How could I say... hmmm alright we are great bafflers!
Thanks, anks, anks...








Read The Fish Bowl (new version of The Gold Fishes) - Still and Smilling and Diabolical Fishing.

I knida liked this one, it was a little strange, I didn't get the whole pot hole thing, that kinda threw me off, and so did the montage.  there were a few grammer mistakes, but we all make those, I know I sure as hell do.  I got a question that will probably make me look like a real idiot, but here it goes.  what is a lorry, I don't think we have those in Canada, and if we do we call them something else, it's probably something everyone else knows but me, but when I read that I was like, "what the fuck is a lorry?".  anyways, I think you did a great job.  Keep up the good work!

lorryn. (pl. -ies a large  strong motor wehicle for transpoting goods etc.  a long flat low wagon. 3 a truck used on railways and tramways.{19th c.:orig. uncert.}

Thanks for your comments! anyway