The Degenerate by Mike Shelton - Short, Drama - An unlucky gambler figures out how to avoid paying off his debts without any trouble.  Or does he? 15 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Mike, youīve got an entertaining piece here. Nicely written.

Here are some notes I made along the way (SPOILERS)

P.3 I would suggest losing the "FADE OUT / FADE IN" thingy; sounds like directorīs territory to me.

P.4 “No, the invisible man sittinī next to you ya. Yeah, you.”
LOL

P.4/5 Nicky seems more interested in asking questions to a stranger (Vance) than watching a game in which he had money at stake. It didnīt seem real; I wouldnīt take my eyes of the television if I was Nicky. I think that Vance should be the one trying to make conversation here.

P.6 Nickyīs phone conversation... hmmm... didnīt ring real. It sounded like he was just giving information to the audience.

P.11 I suspected from the beginning there was something tricky about Vance, but I didnīt imagine Sully was involved. Good job.

P.13
"LEO
Hot damn, that was some good actinī in there."
You donīt need this line, IMO; it was a bit on-the-nose. We can pefectly gather this information from the dialogue that follows ("Vance: You didnīt have to slam my face on the table so hard, ya know."). Let the audience figure by themselves it was an act, it will look better.

Overall, while the story didnīt blow me away, it kept me interested all the way. Good job.

Thought I'd give this a read. I breezed right through it and enjoyed it overall. This was a little lighter than the last one which also made it a little easier to get involved in. Nicky's character isn't too bright but I think he's a likeable one nevertheless.

A few things...

1. Mr. Z's right. Inserting FADE IN and FADE OUT in between scenes is considered directing.

2. Nicky's a little too up front about his gambling problem when he meets Vance. Perhaps he could say something a little more subtle that still suggests he gambles. I think it'd work better that way.

3. I've never heard the term "beelines" before. What's it mean? You may want to change it.

4. I think the end could use some closure regarding the "stiff" in Sully's bar. Perhaps you could end with him dragging it into a backroom or something.

All in all, a short, entertaining read with an excellent twist. Good job.

Mike

Good script, I enjoyed the read..

I would extend the page count to 15 pages if you can..

You could increase some of your descriptions action a little..

Dialogue is very good, could be improved and cut here and there just to tighten it up..

Characters are good and believable and there is a nice tempo to the piece, especially with the Game on the TV in the background..

I would listen to a game on the TV and insert it into each scene where you can hear the crowd and maybe occasionally the game commentator in the background, would add more dimension to the atmosphere and add even more dynamics to the unfolding drama, especially as one of the characters has placed a bet on the game and he will be listening to it with one ear whilst talking to the other characters in the bar...

Some of your action could be improved some, just so they read a little more like cinematic shots..

Someone else mentioned in this thread about using FADE IN: and FADE OUT between scenes, yep, you don't need those..

Would love to see this taken to a next draft and would like to read it once you've done it..

Good job, great twist..

One final thing, I'd call your script The Insurance Policy because the VANCE character not only says he sells insurance but he obviously provides insurance to those lone sharks who loan the money, if they don't get paid they use him as insurance to perform the dastardly deed on those payment defaulters..

Well done anyways.. Let us know if you do a re-write and I’ll take another look..

Mike,

Another nice one! Liked the idea a lot.

Here are a few things that would make this better in my mind (maybe no one else's).

SPOILERS:

Right off the bat I had a hard time with "Nicky". Not the character, but his name. I know a character can have any name the writer chooses, but to have a more real ring to the story I think you could've picked a more suitable name.
Nicky, to me sounds both feminine and fairly modern. He's supposed to be almost fifty. I've known a couple of Nicks in that age group, but Nicky? He's a fat, gambling, beer drinking fifty year old in a T-shirt, Nicky just doesn't seem to fit.

I think I've mentioned this in one of your other scripts, you need to shorten your dialogue lines! I've been told that ideally, you should have no more than six words per line. Seven if you have to, but never more.

You describe Vance as skittish. This is fine, except for his actions and dialogue isn't skittish or nervous. Someone fitting that description doesn't challenge or asks probing questions.

From here on the story went well. I liked the twist.
I just had those few things that to me made the story just a little less real if you know what I mean.

8)

Hey everyone,

Thanks a lot for the feedback.  I worte this a few months back when a filmmaker had read one of my scripts, but was looking for something a bit different.  Ended up going with a rewrite of a pre-existing script, but I liked the end result of this enough to submit it.

I may end up doign a rewrite at some point, but it's definitely way down on the list since I'm focusing on my features right now.

I agree with the fade in and fade out.  I just needed to do something to show time passing, and since there's only one location, that's all I could think of.

Tomson,

His real name is actually Nick.  It's just one of those references like people named Jim are called Jimmy, Tim as Timmy, etc.

Degenerate means "f" you in polish, Mike...you of all people should know that.  ;)

-Landon

Well, I actually had a problem with this.  The thing mostly is that we've already read the exact same story in "High Stakes."  I realize that this is a technical rewrite and restructuring of it for that filmmaker(whatever happened with that anyway?), but it's basically the same thing.  In my opinion, I actually enjoyed this one better than High Stakes.  Maybe because High Stakes had that fantasy type ending which still left you asking a question or two, but I feel that Degenerate has a more authentic feel to it.

Here's what I mean with the identical parallel

You got Nicky, the desperate gambler who's trying to win just once and break even/and Cap, who's a master at poker and wins virtually everytime.

Then there's Vance, the odd guy who comes in, draws attention etc/and Inferno, who also draws attention, but comes in relaxed as opposed to the nervous Vance.

And then the ending in Degenerate has the odd Vance shooting Nicky in the head, thus putting an end to his gambling/and Inferno taking Cap to hell, thus ending his gambling as well.

Now, I actually did enjoy this more than High Stakes.  The 15 pages breezed by fast, but my problem is just what I explained above: It's been done.  Is that necessarily a bad thing?  Not really.  I'd say if you were to produce one of the two then I'd go with Degenerate, because it really does top Stakes.  

So it was a fun read, don't get me wrong.  I'm just not the kind of guy who enjoys reading rewrites, but that's just me.  Since you got new readers here it doesn't seem to be a problem.

Hi Mike,
I read this and found myself agreeing with other people's responses. This is a little gem, though. A quick read, entertaining, and with a nice twist.

The things I'd go along with are more description. There's a lot of talking here. I'd agree with Kevan with showing some more of the game on the TV. Loose the Fade in and out in the middle. Stuff they've already suggested, but I came in late on this one.

Ann Arbor? Nice! It's a college town right around the corner from me, and I'm positive that there is a lot of betting on the games.

As always, I'll be looking forward to reading your next script.

Cindy  

Greg and Cindy,

Thanks for the feedback.

I know what you mean about the parallel storylines Greg.  When I submitted High Stakes, which he liked, but he was looking for something different, more along the lines of this, so I decided to write it, and I also did a rewrite of High Stakes that's a mixture of this as well as the High Stakes that's currently available to read on the site. He ultimately decided to go with the High Stakes rewrite opposed to this, so I figured I'd submit it for feedback.  I'm waiting for the contract in the mail, and if all goes well it should be in the can by the end of the year.


The Fade In/Fade Out was the only way I could think of to show that some time has passed since this takes place entirely in one location, but I do agree it's a direction, and should be lost.  I wanted to show a little more of the game, but I was afraid that there would be a hevy reliance on finding stock footage to use, so i ended up using it sparingly.

Yep, Ann Arbor, nice Midwestern town, and the home of the University of Michigan.  I figured gamblers, football fans, and Michigan(ers?) would like that.

Thanks for the read.

Has the guy paid you for this yet?

Of the two, High Stakes was my favorate, but I enjoyed this one as well.

Good job, and so cool it's getting produced!  :)

cindy

Quoted from greg Has the guy paid you for this yet?

No, I'm still waiting to finalize everything on this.

This was a pretty good read, I liked a lot of the dialog, but I did know Vance was there to kill Nicky, it was kinda obvious to me, but that still didn't stop me from enjoying this, it was fun to see how it was gonna happen.

one thing I may haven't of got is why the whole thing with Leo, I didn't get that if Vance was just gonna kill Nicky anyways, was that because of Freddy being there. If I were a hitman I would just walk in there and blow both there heads off(I'm cold hearted I know).  This was a lot of fun though, keep up the good writing. 8)

Hey Mike,

I stumbled over your script earlier and thought I'd give it a read.

It was enjoyable over all and the characters were believable and had very natural dialogue. Not sure about Leo though and the little *acting job* he performed with Vance, why go through the trouble if Vance was going to shoot Nicky anyway? I'm assuming maybe they wanted to scare Freddy off so they can get Nicky?

The bar being empty on both nights except from the guys was a bit overplayed, especially on game night :)

It was a fun read all in all especially when Vance pulled out the gun and shot Nicky point blank, I didn't see it coming.

Good job.

One more thing Mike, I just read few comments by other members and noticed some were complaining about the Fade out/Fade in. I just wanna say that I had no problem with it at all. It was not distracting and it helped me realize that there was a transition to another frame. Not sure at all why you'd need to lose it.

Ayham,

Thanks for the read.  It's definitely been awhile since anyone (including me) has looked at this one, so I appreciate the bump.

This was basically written as a subsitute for another one of my scripts when a filmmaker I had been in discussions with was looking for something different.  Well, the original script turned into this, and this turned into something that was more of a combination of the two.

Long story short, nothing ever came of it on that end, but the original version is currently in post and this one has gotten some interest from a filmmaker who wants to go into prod in a couple of months.

Leo's role in the script is to provide a little misdirection.  I felt that Vance might have come off as a dead giveaway had I left him on his own, and I wanted to avoid that.

The empty bar?  Budget reasons.  Just wanted to keep the number of characters down, and the bar is supposed to be in a relatively deserted area as well.

Thanks again.

I liked this script quite a lot. I don't really have anything to say about it either way. I don't know, it was just one of those things where I didn't have any problems with it, but nothing really amazed me. It was well written without many mistakes (at least none that I picked up on anyway).

A nice enjoyable read. You've said you're considering a rewrite, but not for a long time at least. If it ever happens, gimme a shout because I would be interested to see how you extend or expand on the material. And possibly give you a review that is worth reading lol.


Cheers, Chism.

Mike, Good luck if this ever went into production. It's really a nice piece and could be easily made with a relatively low budget. Keep us updated.

Hey Shelton -

This is the first script of yours I've seen - and it was a fun read.  Enjoyed it: clean writing, interesting story.  :)

My one question: though I liked Vance's gambit - why was it necessary?  Couldn't he have just waited for Freddy to leave, and capped Nicky without the drama?  (Also had a small issue with the Fade-In, Fade-Out...but that's easy to ignore..)

That said, really enjoyed the twist with Sully.

Cheers,

--WV

Hey WV,

Thanks for reading.  The misdirection probably wasn't necessary from a realism standpoint, but I wanted to keep the reader guessing about what was going on.  I never wanted things to be too obvious, despite a few people knowing how things would go from the start.  Sully was a twist on the twist, which seemed to work well.

The Fade in/out was just an easy way for me to show passage of time.

Thanks again.

Hey man

I've spent most of my life running bars, and you had me right in the scene. Things were mostly authentic, with a little suspension of disbelief. For example we have to accept that the bar tender would keep serving a guy with $500 tab, having paid nothing in 2 months, and admitting to owing bookies 10k. But I could live with it for the sake of a film.

I would suggest handling Nicky's plan a little different. He would know that sooner or later he would run out of bookies that would take his bets. Just slight changes. It is true that they guys lose the 1:00 game, try to break even on the 4:00, then double up on the 8:00. But they do know there's a limit. They're usually very intelligent guys with a very bad habit, a trap in their own thinking they can never seem to avoid. So I would adjust Nicky just a little. Maybe he says something like, "I got one more bookie that will take by bets if I lose this one." Hope springs eternal with gamblers so then he might say; "But I got a good feeling, and odds are in my favor".

The scene I just don't understand is the Leo scene. I am missing what that accomplished. Did it make Nicky drop his guard? Was Nicky someone who could defend himself?

Assuming they would murder Nicky over 10k, which they wouldn't, but let's go with it. Vance comes in the bar, sits with them so Freddy gets a very good look, shoots him with the door unlocked so anyone could come in, then gets a drink. Remember Goodfellas. First thing they did was lock the door while Batts was killed.

So the Leo thing seems contrived for the audience, more to throw us off than Nicky. Is that being fair? I could certainly be missing something. Wouldn't be the first or last time.

Problem is, if you get rid of Leo, this is really just a scene of a hit. Maybe fine if part of a larger story.

OK, I enjoyed the writing style, and I was into the story. Like I said, you put us right in the bar with realistically drawn characters. My only problems were with some of the logic of things. And if you do decide to keep everything as is, I would consider to not have Leo clap his hands at the end in the car. Not very thug like.

Glad I read though, hope this was useful.
Kevin