The Balham Loner by Jason Young - Short, Drama - Jon Marsh is crowded out of the lives of young professionals by an invisible wall of activity and isolation. 4 pages - doc, format 8)

LOVED IT!

IDEA!: convert this into a short story in stead. all of those paragraphs and the stuff which was in here apears to be very metaphorical. and would be hard to convey to the screen.

when john sits down besides rachel and you describe it as "It is a painful sequence revealing two adults leading parallel lives." i suggest you do what was done in Requiem For A Dream. have the both of the be in split screen even though they're sitting next to eachother. i think that'll convey the message a little better.

yes, this either needs to be a short story or be re-written to show everything rather than tell us what is going on. I like the racial and cultural story here it is refreshing from other stale stories told over and over.

Noble attempt to have a look at social isolation, something I'm sure a lot of people can identify with, particularly us writers who have chosen a fairly solitary occupation / pastime.  

However, nearly the whole story was just a bunch of descriptions about what the characters were thinking and how they were feeling; none of this really came through in their actions or dialogue, so the audience wouldn't get it. All the audience would see is a story where little is said and even less happens. I think the strongest scene you had was the one where Jon was lying in his room alone listening to his flat mate screw, I think it dramatized his situation quite well but not much else did. There's an old saying in the screen writing game and that is "You show don't tell' and nearly all the information in your script is relayed through the descriptions when it should be relayed through the characters actions and dialogue.

Hi,

I would like to use your script in a short film competition.

How can I get in touch with you as I need written permission to use your script.?

jasonyoung72@yahoo.com is what we've got on record.  Give that a try.

Good luck with it.  There are only six lines of dialgoue in the whole thing -- you are going to need some mighty talented actors.