For Johnny by Topher Rhives - Short, Drama - After the suicide of his friend John. Paul enacts his revenge.  10 pages - html, format 8)

Topher,

As I was reading this I started to become more and more drawn into the story, but then I found one issue:

SPOILERS

After Paul shoots the girlfirend, the boyfriend grabs Paul's gun, puts it to his chest, and tells him to shoot him.  Something about this just didn't seem to ring true.  I mean, I didn't see anything odd about him wanting to join her, but if it were me, I'd make damn sure that I took out Paulie in the process.  Does that make sense?

Also, since the cops bust in right after Sophia shoots Paul, why not have some kind of mixup, like they think she's the killer?  Might make for an interesting addition.

Nice work though.  Overall, I enjoyed it.

Topher


Great short. You kept my attention all the way through. I do agree with Mike, however. You should have a mix up at the end. I kind of anticiapted that and it didnt happen.

Spencer

I hadn't thought of that. I actually like that for the ending. Makes it even more striking.

This is a work in progress, and I'm hoping people can put in imput to what they want to see in this.

Over this year, every month I'm going to submit a new draft. Each one a little longer, a little more in depth. Hopefully with everyone's help I can have this a powerful feature length script.

More input is welcomed, thanks.

I really did like this topher, all but the ending.

SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




I really think he should have killed himself, not have someone else do it, I don't think anyone would unless it was self defense, I think that it would be more potent that way, but up untill then I was very absorbed in your story, I could feel the emotion in this character.  so all in all a very powerful script.  Keep it up :D

It was just alright for me man. You definitly improved on your dialouge and what not. The story is good and i think the length was perfect. Seems as if we both submitted a vulgar story at the same time. Haha. I found myself laughing at certain parts but not all. I can't wait to see what you put out next.

3 1/2 out of 5

I found a problem with your writing style.  Too often you describe things that cannot be filmed by the camera.  At the end of page one, you say that John is looking up toward God.  Unless you expect to show God hovering over him, get this description out.  On page two, you say that Paul's family eats 'not to enjoy but to survive.'  This script is filled with such descriptions.  If the camera can record what you describe, then describe it some other way.

The script also had some continuity problems.  On page two, Paul packs some Magnums in his bag, but later on he takes out glocks.  Then, later on, Paul makes some kid play Russian roulette with others.  You can't play Russian roulette with a semi-automatic pistol.  If the first round doesn't go off, the shell can't eject and the second round can't move up.

What are three definitive shots (page 6)?

I like the idea of the story, but I feel that you should stretch it out.  Nine pages was not enough to tell this story.  Have Paul and Sophie get to know each a little more.  Make him doubt his plans.  Build some suspense.  The hostage situation could go on much much longer than it did.

Paul's nihilist attitude was very believeable.  It should be expanded on.


Phil

This was quite compelling, scary to think about.

The dialogue, although brief, was well done.
The ending didn't work well for me though. The police rushed into see Sophia shoot him next to a pile of dead students. It would be interesting if they mistook her for the shooter, maybe in Paul's last dying moment he realizes the pointlessness to his destructive actions. He died with the same emotions he had when he woke up in the morning.

The library sequence was well done and quite scary to imagine. I'm with Mike on the boyfriend thing though. Maybe a teenage guy will take his own life to save his girl's but no way will he let some other guy who hurt go unpunished.

Otherwise a very well written short. Will be looking foward to updates in the future.

Hey Thoper I nice work, it flowed easly ,however I read the other comments and I agree with them and I hope you concidere them. I'll repeat here my prefered quote:

quoted from  Mike - "Also, since the cops bust in right after Sophia shoots Paul, why not have some kind of mixup, like they think she's the killer?  Might make for an interesting addition."

Good luck on your next projects!

Normally I wouldn't go out of turn in my reviews, as I have like 4 screenplays to read this weekend, but I saw you wanted a review and it was only 10 pages.

So I'm taking a break from Brea's incredible screenplay "The Devil in D minor" to give you some feedback on your work here.

Alright, on with the on...

This isn't my cup of tea story. I'll be balls out honest about it... If someone were to ask me to read something like this I'd probably scoff and dismiss it, cause it just isn't something I'm interested in "BY & LARGE".

Maybe it's because I've seen it too many times, I dunno...?? This iteration, however, kind of had me hooked.  The characters and mood were enough to keep me reading...

The mood you have here is really "felt" I could feel the depression within this story. Within' the characters. I don't know if you wanted it to come off as such but if you did, you damn sure succeeded in that.

The 1st moment I felt this was near the beginning with the dinner scene. That was just really gripping. It was something you would see in a movie and those are the kind of scenes that people strive to write.

You have a great way of describing everything too. It's very blunt, punchy and to the point but very telling at the same-time.  I did notice that you left off the S on "Likes" a few times... I don't know if that was intentional or not??? There were, however, times when you described an emotion or something that just couldn't be displayed from the cameras perspective... no big deal really as it wasn't plentiful.

I thought that Sophia was sprung on a bit too quick and or the actions of Paul were... one or the other.

To me, it seemed just very out of the blue and shocking in a sense that these turn of events would take place upon their meeting or shortly afterwards... The shock value is good, though, but it's pace seems a little off. Then again, it is a short.

The build up and tension was good while he was toying with the students and the dialogue was good for the better half of all of this too... My biggest complaint was when he asked Sophia to shoot him. The dialogue seemed kind of trite there... I don't picture a teenage girl saying the things she said to him, more so with everything that just unfolded.

Would she shoot, Paul? I dunno... that seems like a heavy weight to bare. He did just shoot two people in front of her and the entire room, though. That is an up in the air kind of call for me to make. I don't think "I" would've wrote it that way... but I also didn't write the story and that's the beautiful part about writing.

It's your world and in this instance you created a world that was interesting with enough atmosphere and meaning to keep me reading to the end... and if you can keep me reading past page 5 without laughing or rolling my eyes; you've done something.

Baltis~

Topher, this is a great script. The story is good, it functions correctly, and the dialogue is great as well. You have a few spelling errors and grammar errors here and there, but other than that it is good.

Nice work.

Thanks to all who read. I'm actually quite shocked at the positive responses.

The idea I'm working on expanding it with is have the first half work as a series of intersecting vignettes that follow the students until they arrive at the library. Then the second half takes place in real time while they're held hostage in the library.

this was great. the dialogue was sharp and rang true. thge story was very compelling and intense. i was sucked in from the word go. Well done.

SPOILERS

While I read this I thought if he actually goes through with this I'll be disappointed, because it will be the epitome of expectation meeting result. So yeah, I ended up being disappointed.

However, when he meet Sophia I thought hello, maybe at the time he least expects it he's going to meet someone and then we'll have real drama, his thirst for revenge versus love.

I would have preferred it if every time he was ready to start killing a chance encounter with Sophia thwarted him, until eventually he realized it was fate calling him and chose life over death.  

My advice to you would be to at least have a go at writing it with that ending and if you're not happy with it you've lost nothing.

Would he really honor his friend’s memory and the memory of their friendship by murdering people?

Seriously I think we've done the whole angry teenager kills classmates story to death. I think beginning with that scenario and then finding some redemption is something that would elevate this story above all the other stories of this ilk.  Anyway good luck with whatever you do with it Topher.  

TYPOS; Page 1-He takes the gone and with it makes traces the holy trinity.

Page 2-I'd always wished I would of given etc
Should read; would've or would have.

Page 4-Paul says; No one like anyone to tell the truth.
Should read; No one likes anyone to tell the truth.

P4-Paul says; No one like John
Should read; No one liked John

I've been meaning to have a look at this for a while, then forgot about it, then read it now. I  thought this was pretty good aside from a few things.

- When John shot himself, and then it said school tragedy in the newspaper, I assumed for like the first half of the script that he had opened fire on some people before he shot himself, which was confusing to me how the school was so business as usual. Maybe you should think about putting a heading more along the lines of something like  "suicide at Generic High", or "student kills himself in bathroom" or something like that.

- I thought Sophia was out of place when we first meet her. It seemed too convenient. She said she knew John, but didn't now what Paul was talking about. And Paul said "would she talk to him if he was a fag" yet she wasn't talking to him and just helping him with his books. And they never seemed to meet before, yet they seem to have a rapport with eachother that doesn't go anywhere, and they get pushed together in the library, and it just seems weird to me. Sophia I don't think is a bad addition, I just think that she needs a little more character developement and have more contact throughout with Paul, rather than just coincidentally fall into all these situations.

- The boyfriend I think would try to take out Paul as well, rather than trying to kill himself, and then try to get Paul to kill him. And I think that the ending should be the cops taking out Sophia after they see the gun in her hand.



In conclusion, I liked it. I thought the dialogue was above average, especially Paul's, and you write very well. I liked Paul's character a lot, and you expressed his feelings for his friend very well. The title's cool too. I bet you like The Outsiders, huh? Are you planning on writing any full length features anytime soon, because all you seem to write is shorts? Just curious.

I'm planning on expanding this over time. I took the suggestions and switch some things around.

The revised draft is now up.

gone (gun?)

would of (would have?)

no one like (likes?)

I'm a little confused Sophia doesn't know who John is when Paul mentions it, but states a bit later she knew John.

you loose (lose?)


There's a moment in the hallway where Paul asks for Sophia's name.  I would suggest striking it. I don't think he'd be interested in getting to know people if he's about to commit this horrible act.

I liked it, it gave the goosebumps with what happened with Columbine.  It made me think, well done.

A suggestion, what if when we open on Paul for the first time he's giving the eulogy for John's funeral and saying the same things, about all those ugly terms just dicks being dicks.  I might add some depth to the moment.

I've read the reviews and agree that the police should mistake Sophia as the shooter at first, but I'd have the police shoot Sophia and either injure her badly and maybe even kill her.  With the recent deadly violence in high schools I would think that the police would take forceful action when they walk into the library.

I agree with the ending. The new ending is something a tad more abrupt.
I guess he's making small talk to ease his tension and she strikes him, he a blatant sense as a teenager he's falling for her.
Albeit it's useless crush.

I'm fixing up the dialogue and trying to tighten the story by the end of next week.

I agree with Phil, my style often comes from my desire in writing shorts not to sacrifice detail.

I do intend to have this expanded into a feature length script. Which will take me some time and for the most part it may take an upward of three years before a rough draft is completed. I intend to keep people updated with each draft so it's not like this is the only thing that'll be posted until the feature is.

I'm agree with Chris, the ending is a tad predictable. I mean yes, this is a tragic drama, but in later drafts maybe he doesn't shoot more then one person. I mean I want to keep the Russian Roulette scene. For me it stands as a high moment of emotional tension.

However, I think him randomly opening fire the first few minutes seems unbeleivable. Well he's unbalanced he still is just a teen. Someone who feels betrayed, lost and unsure. And well he's resorting to violence, I think he'd hesitate.

Throughout the script it'll be a lot of taunt hold ups. I want to keep the interraction between the outside world stark. Perhaps going so far to keep the script soley in the library after he takes them hostage.

Given that this is my first drama I'm pleased to see people have responded well, albeit it does need a lot of work. My main concern is to tell a compelling story and attempt to avoid the cliches that have become a stigma of the "angry teenager" genre.

Truth is I wrote this as my creative response to films like "Elephant" and "Thirteen" both of which I felt offered potential for good drama then too often fell drastically short. I wanted to see if I could write a better screenplay.


*Possible New Ending Spoiler*


I think it'd be better if in a sense he did find redemption yet still end on a tragic downbeat note.  In that Paul finds redemption within himself. But not before having done the russian roulette game. So we have Paul, this scared kid. Knowing that his life has just ended. Knowing that either he'll die or that he'll spend his life in jail.
And keeping with the mixup - perhaps Sophia tries to stop him and the police burst in and mistake her.