One thing that I haven't quite mastered about screenwriting is keeping the balance between straight forward descriptive language, and more emotive, personal language.

Here is an example:

Straight forward: Tom and Dick begin beating Harry brutally over the head. They are vicious and fierce. Relentless. And when they are finished, they run off, leaving Harry lying lifeless on the ground.

Emotive: Tom and Dick open up on Harry in the warehouse, punching and kicking him sickeningly over the head. Harry doesn't stand a chance. He squirms and drops to the ground, curling up to protect himself. But his two attackers are relentless. They keep bludgeoning him viciously over and over again, until finally...he is dead. Tom and Dick pull back, gasping for breath, staring at their helpless victim. Then they just scarper off, leaving Harry lying on the ground in a pool of blood.

That was just an example. I know that the latter description is probably better, but isn't screenwriting all about being concise and to the point? I've read screenplays with very detailed descriptions in them, and some with shorter ones. I'd just like to know, which is best? Longer, more emotive descriptions? Or shorter, more straight forward ones?    

I usually go with the more concise version, getting the story moving and getting to the point. The actual attack structure can change during the direction, so to me it doesn't really call for such a lengthy description. To me, if you wanna write with such description, then just write a book instead.

Thanks for your input, sryknows. I particularly agree with the last part. Afterall, one of the perks of writing a novel is having the freedom to write as much as you want. I think it is more of a challenge writing concisely, while still keeping the language compelling and interesting for the reader. But I think it is more rewarding in the end.    

Maybe I need to put it another way. Does anyone think screenplays need to have a particular "narrative language"? Such as a novel?

Screenplays are a blueprint for making a movie. They actually aren't meant to be publicly released and read by just anyone, so what you have to consider is who the script is meant to be read by. Does the actors, set/lighting/costume designers, director, and everyone else involved in the craft of making it a reality really care or need all that emotive stuff? No. They just want to know what happens visually. The actor MIGHT get something out of the emotion, but to be honest, he's going to make the character his own, and having read the entire script multiple times already, he knows how the character SHOULD act by that time. So from a movie-making perspective, the emotive language is all fluff that no one on the production team wants to (or even has time to) read. Keep it to the point and visual. They just want to know what this thing is supposed to look like.

That's brilliant, thanks George! This is an area that I'v never been crystal clear about, and I've often blurred the lines between straight forward language and superfluous language. But I'll know now to just keep my direction more to the point. Thanks again!

Just my own personal opinion -- not saying anyone above is right or wrong:

I tend to write both.  I try to write mostly just what happens, but if it's something I feel a certain emotion needs to be included with, I'll throw in something to get that idea across.

Using your example:

Tom and Dick open up on Harry in the warehouse, punching and kicking him sickeningly over the head. Harry doesn't stand a chance. He squirms and drops to the ground, curling up to protect himself. But his two attackers are relentless. They keep bludgeoning him viciously over and over again, until finally...he is dead. Tom and Dick pull back, gasping for breath, staring at their helpless victim. Then they just scarper off, leaving Harry lying on the ground in a pool of blood.

Well, for one, too much description in this paragraph.  Shouldn't be more than four lines -- you've got six.  At any rate, I write somewhat like this, but a bit more to-the-point.  If the above were my writing, it'd go something like this:

Tom and Dick tear into Harry with demented abandon.  Harry quickly falls under the onslaught and curls up fetal on the ground as Tom and Dick punch, kick and stomp him.  Within moments, Harry's dead -- a bloody, pulpy mess.

Now, that's not to say that emotional writing should be completely ignored.  The story of Sylvester Stallone's script for Rocky is that when Stallone first turned in his script, the big fight was quickly summarized and lacked the emotion it should have had.  After all, the entire movie was leading up to this fight.  He was instructed to go back and rewrite the match so that it would be more powerful.  He did so -- in fact, he wrote in every punch thrown, and in such a way that the match had its own dramatic build-up, all the way to the final punch thrown in the fight.  

So though I wouldn't over-do it if I were you, a little bit here and there to add a little punch or emotion for the reader isn't going to kill anybody.

Keep writing! :)

- Lon

Thanks very much, Lon, I'll take your comments onboard.

I completely agree with George & Lon. Producers and agents love a script that reads quick, is concise and moves the story along. Oh sure, you can drop a few emotive things into a script, but make it clever and sparse. In a course of a 100 page script, I tend to drop in only a couple of emtional references to a character. It's not random, but placed in meaningful situations.

Now, on the opposite end, don't make it wooden, stilted and painful to read. For example:

John opens the door. John walks in. John slaps his woman.

You still need some flow and feel in the script.

Hope this helps.

Quoted from Acroname Tom and Dick open up on Harry in the warehouse, punching and kicking him sickeningly over the head. Harry doesn't stand a chance. He squirms and drops to the ground, curling up to protect himself. But his two attackers are relentless. They keep bludgeoning him viciously over and over again, until finally...he is dead. Tom and Dick pull back, gasping for breath, staring at their helpless victim. Then they just scarper off, leaving Harry lying on the ground in a pool of blood.

This one is better because it's more detailed, but you can improve this description a bit more.

*'Harry doen't stand a chance' You don't need this. If Harry is taking a beating from two guys and just curls to protect himself, that's implied.

*The same applies to 'But his two attackers are relentless'. The camera can only record two guys beating another one to death; the audience will gather on their own that the attackers are relentless.

*Loose the 'ly' adverbs. Check lesson 4 of the following article; it even has a very similar example.

http://www.creativescreenwriting.com/csdaily/craft/05_06_05.html

I feel like kicking myself after reading that article LOL! That was very helpful Mr.Z, and it makes a lot of sense. I suggest other members should click on the link. Although there are only four lessons in it, they will probably make the different between writing good prose or bad prose. Thanks Mr.Z! I'm glad I started this thread, I've learned a lot already LOL!

Hey Ghostwriter for me more concise is better:

" Tom and Dick open up on Harri like two devil cats against a poor lizard. Excessive mess!"

LOL! Nice one, Helio!

Quoted from Mr.Z *Loose the 'ly' adverbs. Check lesson 4 of the following article; it even has a very similar example. http://www.creativescreenwriting.com/csdaily/craft/05_06_05.html

Mr. Z, that is one of my all-time favorite articles. I've even quoted it on here before and gave a short synopsis. I had actually linked to it once, and found you had already done the same. To all who is checking this out and trying to figure out how to word your descriptions READ THIS ARTICLE! The guy knows what he's talking about.

And you gotta love the title: 4 Ways to Give a Crap.

Agreed George. It's one of my all-time favourites as well. Not only it's very informative, but it's a fun read also. One of my favourite bits:

Quoted Text Lesson 1: In the name of everything holy, don't put camera directions in your script. But Henry, I read a bunch of scripts online and there were camera directions all over the place! Yeah? I once saw a guy pour a bottle of lemon Lysol through a loaf of bread and drink what came out the other side. That still doesn't mean that Lysol's better for you than whiskey.

The article is linked in Roger Dodger's post (the sticky one), but sometimes these sticky posts go overlooked, so I guess that now and then we'll have the opportunity to plug one of our favourites articles. 8)

Yes, Mr.Z, please do! I didn't know this particular article even existed, let alone that it has been plugged here before. So I'm sure it won't hurt to point things like this out every now and then, where appropriate, for other members.  

Screenplay article links and software. It's a sticky in the screenwriting class forum. Lots of good stuff.

You learn something new everyday it seems LOL!