Forever... and Again by Michel J. Duthin - Comedy, Romance - Thomas' wife Sandy died in a car crash. Feeling guilty, Thomas succeeds to go back in time to conquer her again and to save her. But things don't turn out as good as he wished for. 121 pages - pdf, format 8)

Please, be indulgent with me, guys. English is not my first language and I do my best writing English. Everyone's advices and critisms are welcome.

Hey Michel, I didn't read the script but I felt like offering some friendly advice by which you could get your script read.

It's quite simple actually. Read scripts from regular members of this site and leave them a review. You'll see that many of them will return the favor.

Also: there is a script review exchange board when you can start a new thread or repply to an existing one, to settle this kind of agreements.

English isn't my first language either, but nobody gave me a hard time because of it so far. So I'd say don't worry.

Thanks for your advice Mr.Z

Hey Michel, just wanted to let you know that I will be reading this tomorrow, don't worry I haven't forgotten. You will have a review tomorrow :).

Scanjet, thank you for your comments. Guess now that I'm not that bad in English as I thought I was. I'll post you later comments about the ending. In the while, you can read another of my favorite script there:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-drama/m-1150163876/

Think I mistook when I submitted it because it's not a drame but really a comedy with a country music background

once again, thank you for your comments

Michel

Hey Michel,

I liked this script. It was very, very rich. You wrote it with such detail, which is good but sometimes it did feel like there was too much at some points like at the beginning. You explain actions very well and if you thought you were worried about the language, you shouldn't be. There were only a few language mistakes, some which were in peoples dialogue like at the start of page 7 where Thomas says "Don't you forget something?". I think this should be "Aren't you forgetting something?". Just little things like that but I don't think it's something to be worried about as I and others will know what you mean. :)

I really like the flashbacks that you inserted every now and then. They played a huge part in your script, which is great. It gives your story more style to than the average story you read.

Your formatting was brilliant. As I said your detail within the script is great and you've presented it well. You certainly know how to write a script and how to present the story very well. It was easy on the eyes and was never too boring or a struggle to read. Only at some points where there was a lot of detail and not too much dialogue. However, I don't think it's something you should cut down.

I'm sorry I can't be more detailed in this review. I'm quite busy right now but I really did like your script. It's very emotional, which is something I never really go for but you changed that for me. It was deep and I think you're going to do well if you keep writing the way you do. Good work Michel :).

thank you for your review GravyBoatMan, I've been very touched. It's true I put a lot of myself in that story. If you like my style, you'd find some of my scripts around. I've tried to write in every style. Don't want to be stuck in only one sort of story. There are one thriller (Blood Rush and an upcoming Mister Sandman), a romantic comedy (Angels among Us), a WWI story (Wings of Glory) and a peplum (79 A.D.).

If you need anything or any more reviews, I'll be around

see you

Michel

Quoted from michel Guess now that I'm not that bad in English as I thought I was...

Hey, were you thinking that way because of what I said on "Nice Day"?  I think I might have given you the wrong impression -- which happens on message boards all the time.

My point was (supposed) to be that your English was fine -- with so few flaws that I didn't even bother pointing them out.  Sorry if it came across wrong.

Your script was a perfect example of a comedy romance. This is one of the only scripts I’ve read on here where there isn’t one bland character. Every character was completely different from the others. Great Job. The dialogue was so real and the conversations between Sandy and Thomas were excellent and well-written. The Characters and the Dialogue were the strongest part of the script. The one low point was the flashbacks. In the very beginning we are just hammered with flashbacks, one after the other and the beginning of the story is kind of congested.



SPOILERS--------------------------


Script
By page six we’ve already had three flashbacks. The flashbacks kind of mess up the rhythm of your script and just as the readers are getting interested in what’s going on in the present time you throw us another flashback. In the beginning there are more pages of flashback then there is present time. That’s a bit too much. Cut out as much of the flashbacks as you can.

Your act structure is a little bit off. I’d say around page 54 your script has finally made it’s way into Act 2, but this transition happens to late in the script. This should happen in the early forties of your page numbers. This way the beginning of the script doesn’t feel like we’re experiencing the same thing over and over again, because the flashbacks made it feel repetitive.

-(Pg. 45) The story is beginning to feel like a series of scenes, once the accident occurs for the second time I feel that it should take place earlier in the story. Because right now the script feels like it’s not culminating to anything.

Questionable Parts
-Would Thomas really smoke a cigarette while he stopped running?
-I’m confused with the monologue on page 67.
-Friday I don’t think was mentioned earlier in the script so I was a tad bit confused when I first read his confrontation with Thomas.

Parts I really enjoyed.
-That was a great bit with Friday, and also earlier in the script when Sandy jokingly said she was cheating with a married man.
-The déjà vu the second time around.
-The part with Thomas really being the trainer was good.
-Wow what an opener.
-Great Ending

Format
-There’s no need to count scenes.
-On page 2, you wrote “According to Police.” should be written as “According to the Police.
-Pg. 7 you wrote “Don’t you forget something?” should be “Didn’t you forget something.”
-Pg. 7 Never have action paragraphs longer than five lines.
-(pg. 40) You wrote “Next time she’ll come here,” should be “Next time she comes here,”
-(pg 71) You wrote “Tell me one think bud.” should be “Tell me one thing bud.”
-Take out the music cues. The part with Chet Baker is fine, but don’t name a song.


This was a great script and the only problems I see is the number of flashbacks in the beginning. Take those out and I think you’ll have something great. You’re a very talented writer.

Good Luck.

Thought you liked the ending Anthony, I'm not quite satisfy with it. I should on something stronger. In fact, the original ending was when Thomas joined Sandy in Heaven and they stayed together and thought Sandy was saying that little Winnie was not born yet and that she was existing in another way (because that death occured before her birth), I thought that it might be quite obscure and very sad to erase Winnie's existence.

Can't you precise me what monologue you're confused with because I can't see any in page 67.

Concerning Chet Baker's music, "Together Alone" is the MOST appropriate music I found and it was important to name it.

I'll have another reading for the script with your comments in mind

Thank a lot  :K)

I hope you'll enjoy as much reading some others of my scripts

Michel

Sorry Michel I meant page 66 not page 67. Page 66 has the lenghty monologue.

Anthony,

the monologue page 66 is Thomas' eulogy. I thought it was clear enough. Maybe it needs to be re-written.
About the fact that Thomas is smoking after stopping running, I think it's just his way to destroy himself, to live his "daily crucifixion".
I wanted to keep Friday mysterious and that way to introduce him is, in my opinion, more threatful for Thomas.

Hope I answered all your wonderings

Michel

As announced, this is the third draft. Hope you'll like it.

Michel 8)

Hey Michel,

I took your advice and read a screenplay  :).

Let me say, that if English is your second language then I better keep my day job, lol.
You did a wonderful job with this script.  

The first several pages where hard for me to stay focus with the flashbacks so close to one another, but eventually the story started to unrival quickly to the point where I didn't want to stop reading.

You are a very detailed in your writing, which isn't a bad thing, but in some scenes it was too much.  Like the color of the toothbrushes, etc...

The ending was ok... My suggestion would be, that it just be Winnie and Thomas in the ending scene.  Have Winnie say something that only Thomas  and Sandy said secretly to one another in Heaven.  This I think would tie Winnie and Thomas closer together as father and daughter and make Sandy's love for both everlasting.

I loved how you tied the accidents together. I knew something was going to happen with the final accident, so I read faster and faster to find out, lol.

Your characters all where strong, each had their own personailty.


What's up with this CHET BAKER?  I am not a Jazz lover, but you got my curiosity.. I am going to youtube.com to see if I can her some of his music  ;D

As for the drunk scene, where Sandy and Thomas where leaving their friends house "Jake&Ono" to go home.  That scene for some odd reason didn't settle to well with me...What I am trying to say is that if they where friends, they could just stay the night or wait until the rain passed.  That scene to me made Jake more of a drinking buddy than true best friends...Maybe they all could be at a private benefit party for lawyers and Jake/Ono left early leaving them no choice but to go home in this manner...But again I could be nitpicking, lol...

Overall, I loved this script...I love the twist and turns and the Indian time travel part was cool... good luck with this, I can see it as a movie with a few minor tweeks  :)

If your bored reading my review, you can always bore yourself with Dreaming November, lol  ;) ...

Hey, Michel,

I’m new here.  I’m still learning the formatting of script writing, so I can’t give you much help there.  I may be doing it all wrong.  I’ve tried to make my way by using David Trottier’s The Screenwriter’s Bible and Screenwriting for Dummies.

Anyway, what I would love to do is give you an opinion as an avid movie/DVD watcher.  

I thoroughly enjoyed reading you script.  It would make a terrific movie.  It would, no doubt, be one I’d want to see.  

It does grab you right of because of the car accident.  The only thing is that you don’t feel a sense of loss when you find out that Sandy is gone.  

You start to feel for Thomas, because it’s obvious that he loved her very much.  The thing is that half an hour into the movie, I feel nothing for Sandy.  

When you do the flashback of the dorm, where she tells Thomas that she is a cheat, I have distaste for her.  

I think I understand that you are trying to unveil the story pieces at a time, like a puzzle, with the flashbacks but they are very confusing.

Also, when Jake shows up to the hotel room, it’s stated that Thomas is a year too early.  Per the flashbacks, he and Sandy were together in 2000, right?  Because of the paper and the movie billboard, I got the impression he went back to 2000, right?

Anyway, in this case, I feel like the flashbacks take away from the storyline.  It also makes it rather unclear.  It’s going to be very hard for a director to portray all the bounces in time in a way where the audience won’t become confused.

The storyline is fabulous and can easily stand on its own.  The twist and ending was great.

That being said, you should do it they way you want.  Please don’t be offended.  I’m no one special.

~Cindy

Hi William,

Thank you for your comments. It's true through the reading the flashbacks are close to one another, but on screen it could be just flashes or like pieces of puzzle you have to slowly assemble. Your suggestion for the ending is interesting but through my head, Thomas has to live again on some parallel life, on another groove, just like the record in the first sequence.

Through the story, sandy encourages him twice to live on. What I tried to demonstrate in the end was that you may have only ONE LOVE in life, but you still can be happy with someone else. And NEVER try to rebuild a new love on its ashes.

About the "drunk scene", Sandy said she had to plead the day after. That's why they have to leave. Yes, it could have been anywhere else but the scene mirrors the one when Thomas leaves again Jake and Yoko with Kriss, and explain too why he doesn't like to be driven and his fear to take a specific road.

Well, hope I bored you as you bored me (lol)

Michel

Hey Cindy,

Thanks to you too about reading and caring about my (favorite) script. Don't worry, I'm not offended.

It's true you point out IMO, the only big flaw in my puzzle story. As on paper, it's easy to indicate the year in the sluglines, on screen it'd be difficult to show the difference of the years (anyway, there's always a way). It's true you have 4 indications for it when Thomas travels through time (Alyssa's on the phone, the missing headstone and the shop, or at Thomas' building) but that slight difference is not visible to Thomas at first. In fact, I don't know if it's clear but Thomas and Sandy did meet in 2001! It's true I could have illustrated it with songs, movies posters, or events, but you have the surprise revealed in the graveyard.

Anyway , I'm glad you liked it and believe me, as long as you keep writing, you ARE special. I guess we all are here (lol)

Michel 8)

The last draft should be soon available.

Quoted from SkanJet To be honest, I like'd it very much, found it enterteining.

Quoted from Parker It's very emotional, which is something I never really go for but you changed that for me. It was deep and I think you're going to do well if you keep writing the way you do. Good work Michel :).

Quoted from TAnthony Your script was a perfect example of a comedy romance. This is one of the only scripts I’ve read on here where there isn’t one bland character. Every character was completely different from the others. Great Job. The dialogue was so real and the conversations between Sandy and Thomas were excellent and well-written. The Characters and the Dialogue were the strongest part of the script. (...) You’re a very talented writer.

Quoted from WJHilliard You did a wonderful job with this script.  (...) the story started to unrival quickly to the point where I didn't want to stop reading. (...) Your characters all where strong, each had their own personailty. (...) Overall, I loved this script...I love the twist and turns and the Indian time travel part was cool...

Quoted from callinsky I thoroughly enjoyed reading you script.  It would make a terrific movie.  It would, no doubt, be one I’d want to see.  It does grab you right of because of the car accident.  (...) The storyline is fabulous and can easily stand on its own.  The twist and ending was great.

Maybe it'll be time for you to make your own opinion...

Michel 8)

The last draft is NOW available.

Thank you Don.

Michel,

I'm not going to really bother commenting on your English, mainly for two reasons 1) it was choppy but not so much that I couldn't get through it, and 2) you already have someone interested in the script, so I assume they're fine with it as is.

Mainly, what I'm going to focus on is the story.  First, I was surprised to see this in the Comedy section, as there's not really much comedy in it.  Granted, there are comedic elements, but I would definitely put it in the Drama category as it mainly deals with death and coping with the loss of someone (and not in a humorous light).

I thought you had an interesting story here.  It's ambiguous enough so that you don't really know if it's a time traveling story or just a dream/hallucination he had.  Problem is, if it were actually a time traveling story, a bunch of paradoxes would come into play.  And one big question would come to mind; when he travels back, where is the old version of himself?  But it was my interpretation that it was all in his head.  I could be wrong though.

I think the biggest problem with the script are the flashbacks.  I understand completely why you put some of them in there, but there are just far too many.  I think you need to really think about what flashbacks are essential to the story and then go from there.  Another thing that bothered me is that the flashbacks tend to come out of nowhere at times; there's no clear transition.  Reading isn't that difficult (because of sluglines), but I'd imagine as a film it could get kind of confusing.  Also, I noticed that the flashbacks aren't in chronological order (for example, their first kiss comes way after several flashbacks further in their relationship).  I know we don't always remember everything chronologically, but this seemed weird in the context of the script.  And finally (in regards to the flashbacks), some of them just seemed too on-the-nose in terms of dialogue and what they're talking about.  I know you were trying to relate it to the previous scene, but it felt like too much.

When I got to the ending, I started wondering whether or not you should have that opening scene with the record.  On the one hand, I like what it symbolizes, but on the other hand, I think it gives way where the film is heading.  Not sure about your feelings on that.

One other thing that bothered me in the film was when Thomas goes back initially and has his first conversation with Sandy, she's not sufficiently weirded out enough; thus there's really no conflict.  Everything just seems to go pretty smoothly (with the exception of her husband).  I like that you brought the pictures into it, but at first, everything just happens so easily for him.

I hope it doesn't sound as though I'm being too critical of the script, as I did enjoy it.  Like I said, I would work on fixing the flashbacks and I think it will improve the read.  Not sure what the director interested in this suggested, but I'd be interested in hearing.

Michel,
I wanted to chime in on your script. As you know we have discussed aspects of the principle characters in FOREVER... AND AGAIN. I want to leave those conversations with you off the table and let you know what I thought about the script.

First off, I loved it. Your use of flashbacks was as if you were tumbling a rubiks cube around and landed on the same like colors.

Your english has a couple of moments, but in all honesty is better than mine and english is my first language.

As to the realationships, you and I have already talked about it. I will say I see a lot of you in this writing. Some one posted regarding the time they left Yoko house, why they did not try and stop them from getting behind the wheel.
Thats far to common. Party all night and wave goodby at the end of the evening. Her pissed offness was good. You worded it very well.

One thing people have said to me, is be very niggerdly with the use of parantheticals. I don't know how many are to many, but there are a few. I see why you use them and to what ends, I just wanted to make that point.

Also I have a question. On page 47, when Chloe says, "It's ok with me" the paranthetical is a word called Chortling. What does that word mean?

All in All, very respectible, clean, well paced work. You should be very proud.

All my best.
Shawn.....><

Matt & Shawn

thank you for the reading and I'm glad you both enjoy it. It means a lot to me because that script is the one I will always defend at beck and call.

Quoted from dresseme First, I was surprised to see this in the Comedy section, as there's not really much comedy in it.  Granted, there are comedic elements, but I would definitely put it in the Drama category as it mainly deals with death and coping with the loss of someone (and not in a humorous light).

It’s a combination of several genres (comedy, drama, fantasy, comrom) I would rather call it a Comedy Drama. It couldn’t fit either in drama, or in comedy.

Quoted from dresseme I thought you had an interesting story here.  It's ambiguous enough so that you don't really know if it's a time traveling story or just a dream/hallucination he had.  Problem is, if it were actually a time traveling story, a bunch of paradoxes would come into play.  And one big question would come to mind; when he travels back, where is the old version of himself?  But it was my interpretation that it was all in his head.  I could be wrong though.

Thomas and us will never know if it’s a dream or real time travel. I wanted to dig that ambiguity and never give an explanation. You make your own interpretation. My goal is to give the story a thought right after.

Quoted from dresseme I think the biggest problem with the script are the flashbacks.  I understand completely why you put some of them in there, but there are just far too many.  I think you need to really think about what flashbacks are essential to the story and then go from there.

It might sound weird, but, to me, every flashbacks are useful.

Quoted from dresseme Another thing that bothered me is that the flashbacks tend to come out of nowhere at times; there's no clear transition.  Reading isn't that difficult (because of sluglines), but I'd imagine as a film it could get kind of confusing.  Also, I noticed that the flashbacks aren't in chronological order (for example, their first kiss comes way after several flashbacks further in their relationship).  I know we don't always remember everything chronologically, but this seemed weird in the context of the script.

It’s a puzzle film. I visualized the whole film in my head and I swear it wouldn’t be too much confusing to follow onscreen. In the end, every piece of puzzle is placed. Every flashback includes Sandy. As she’s dead you can’t get confused. Just like you say, we rarely think in a chronological order when we remind a long period of time. It comes mostly at random.

Quoted from dresseme When I got to the ending, I started wondering whether or not you should have that opening scene with the record.  On the one hand, I like what it symbolizes, but on the other hand, I think it gives way where the film is heading.  Not sure about your feelings on that.

The opening scene, you’re right, symbolizes the whole film. The record represents the loop of the time (the scratch on the record means that story can never repeat twice) and the jazz music, Thomas. The music playing gives the mood of the story.

Quoted from dresseme One other thing that bothered me in the film was when Thomas goes back initially and has his first conversation with Sandy, she's not sufficiently weirded out enough; thus there's really no conflict.  Everything just seems to go pretty smoothly (with the exception of her husband).  I like that you brought the pictures into it, but at first, everything just happens so easily for him.

Sandy is different in the past, but finally she falls in love with Thomas, the same way she fell the first time. If everything happens so easily, is because Thomas knows already everything about Sandy (it helps a lot). But I must admit I still have issues about their meeting. But I couldn’t make it too much confrontational. The story would have been too long.

Quoted from dresseme I hope it doesn't sound as though I'm being too critical of the script, as I did enjoy it.  Like I said, I would work on fixing the flashbacks and I think it will improve the read.  Not sure what the director interested in this suggested, but I'd be interested in hearing.

My main issue with the director's POV are mainly the flashbacks. He wants to rearrange the whole story and makes it in chronological order. He wants to treat the script like a love story. But for me it’s a script mainly about guilt. Thomas’ guilt ? His guilt about the fact he thinks it’s his fault if Sandy’s dead. That’s why if he wants to travel time. He wants to fix his mistake. Somewhere, in the script, Thomas talks to Sandy about Hitchcock’s "Vertigo". It’s the same guilt that Thomas and James Stewart share. They both want to fix their mistake and find back the one they loved (except here Thomas doesn’t want to make love to a dead girl).  

Anyway, thank you for your honest review and hope my explanations cleared your interrogations.

Quoted from Ledbetter First off, I loved it. Your use of flashbacks was as if you were tumbling a Rubik’s cube around and landed on the same like colors.

That’s exactly what I aimed at. Funny how POV are different, if you compare yours to Matt’s.

Quoted from Ledbetter As to the relationships, you and I have already talked about it. I will say I see a lot of you in this writing. Some one posted regarding the time they left Yoko house, why they did not try and stop them from getting behind the wheel. That’s far to common. Party all night and wave goodbye at the end of the evening. Her pissed offness was good. You worded it very well.

Exactly. It happens every Saturday night.

Quoted from Ledbetter One thing people have said to me, is be very niggardly with the use of parantheticals. I don't know how many are to many, but there are a few. I see why you use them and to what ends, I just wanted to make that point.

I plead guilty on that point. You must know that “Forever… and Again” is the first script I ever wrote ten years ago. And when I did the rewrite, I missed a lot of them. However, the others are important to my eyes. I use them to pace the dialogs.

Quoted from Ledbetter Also I have a question. On page 47, when Chloe says, "It's ok with me" the parenthetical is a word called Chortling. What does that word mean?

I used (or misused) “Chortling” to indicate at the same time Chloe’s embarrassment and amusement. I should have rather say "chuckling", but "chortling" was more appropriate for Chloe's character.

Quoted from Ledbetter All in All, very respectable, clean, well paced work. You should be very proud.

I’m, because it’s my most personal script and if it should remain only one, it would this one. Like you said, there’s a lot of myself in it.

Thanks again. I hope I was clear in my explanations and that it will make other reviewers reading it. Because that one worth it.

Michel 8)

Chortle/chortled/chortling v.[coined by Lewis Carroll, prob. <chuckle + snort] to make, or utter with, a gleeful chuckling or snorting sound. n. chortler.

Sorry, couldn't resist - love words. Also, & I mean this in the nicest possible way Shawn, a dictionary is an invaluable resource for a writer. Search online-dictionaries if you want but you can't beat having one (a hard-copy, that is) close by.

Chortling- So thats differient from Chakka-kahning ....

LC did you mention the dictionary because I did not know the word or because of my continued masterful use of diction slaughtering?

Shawn....><

I am new to the simply scripts Forum, and your script was the first one I read on the forums. I like the detailed descriptions, and I do not think the Flashbacks disrupted the flow of the script. I feel that the flashback is a way to "bridge" in time together, and flashbacks, to me, keeps the screenplay from being "episodic." In other words, without the flashback, the script would be from INT. to INT. to INT. to EXT.

I felt that the Set Up of the screenplay was a bit too long, and Act 2 is started late in the screenplay. I did not think you would finally get to the plot point any sooner. I would have to agree that the structure is a bit off a little bit. For a minute, I thought that the plot point at the end of act 1 was dealing with Thomas finding the calling card in his jacket. I would suggest that you could shorten the setup of act 1 though.

Overall, this is so far one of the best screenplay I read in the simply scripts website.

Reggie,
You picked a great first script to read and comment on. This is a very personal script that Michel wrote during a difficult time in his life and his genuine pain bled on these pages.

He has gone on to write some fantastic work that has been gone on to be filmed.

He still checks in on SS from time to time during his journies, but after the loss of his wonderful wife, which he was so open about, Michel has been working on other projects.

We do miss him, but as you can see by his talent, this site is much better for having him here.

Shawn.....><