Crimes of Passion by Darren S. Winters - Short - Ant has found out his wife cheated on him. Angry and hurt, he tries to talk to her but even that turns into murder. Now he is on the run, and seeks shelter inside the house of the Fraylings. From here it is all downhill. With a shock revelation throwing that adds to the unsuspected twist. 13 pages - pdf, format 8)

I like the descriptive wording....but I think giving him a name like ANT
takes away from the story....I don't really buy the twist
unless the wife confesses before the killer can...trying to explain things
to her husband..makes it true..instead of wondering.

your descriptions are solid.

Kevan
          I got the in-joke if that's, what you want to call it
     let's give the girl a name like Polly Protag.

     I still think that putting the wife under so much pressure..until she cracks
     would be more rewarding.......She says to her husband "it's true" BOOM!
     she's dead.   just my 2 cents. still like the quality of it.

I had to read what Kevan was going on about.  I think Ant is a cool name.  My only problem with the name is it made me think of Adam Ant, and I pictured your antagonist dressed in puffy pirate clothes haha.

I don't have many specific comments on this one, which happens when things are working well for the most part.  But I do have a couple, with SPOILERS:


*  You spend a whole paragraph telling us about Cam -- for what?  The guy has one line.  So does Page.  OK, I see they do come back later, but just for a moment, and they really add nothing to the story then, either.  Too much typing is spent on these two.  I would just go with a generic "camera man" and "reporter" without all the extra fluff.  It doesn't matter in the least what these two look like, you know?
*  Your dialogue is pretty good for the most part, but when Officer Rosenberg is calling through the bullhorn (..."it's your call." and "...think about it, man!") -- for some reason the dialogue you give him rings very false to me.  He sounds more like a parent than a cop, I think.  Seems like he would be more practiced at negotiation.  Perhaps he might even call them on the phone -- there are some nice possibilities for the development of Ant's character there.  Anyway, reread Rosenberg's dialogue and see if you agree or not (and you might not, which is fine).
*  Your twist is good, and really would have taken me by surprise if I hadn't read one just like it about two weeks back haha.  What are the odds of that?? (Not too many people have read that other script though.  But Kevan knows which one I am talking about haha.)

So this piece does have good momentum, and the formatting is right up to snuff.  Good job there.  The only thing I don't get is this -- If Ant intended to do what he ultimately did all along, why did he wait so long?  Why was he toying around with these people, going down into the basement then back up to the kitchen again? It seems to me he would have just done what he came to do and been done with it.

Unless he had some reason for keeping her alive -- at least for the time being.

Again, I like the story, but do you see how the whole situation itself is a little out of character for Ant?  Right now, the only reason he is waiting to kill her is to feed the story.  Giving him an actual reason for keeping her alive during the course of this story might strengthen this script even more.

Cheers Kev, for your review mate. Got anything you need a looking over man just Holla, Email it to me you got my Addy.

For everyone who gave both good and bad reviews on this, Thank you. I think Ant waited so long to do what he had planned to add to the tension, to toy with them for a while.

It is a short so having him enter the Frayling house and waste Lea right away would have made it super short, like 5 pages. So I stuck with the atmosphere of the characters and had Ant toy with them for a little while.

I understand what your saying Bert, but at the time of writing it I was just concentrating on keeping them alive, for as long as possible, I had to leave the KILLING until after 10 pages, otherwise I would never have written it as a short. I set my goals and page length, if it runs on I'll omit somethings etc etc... and just compile the story into a shorter page drive.

But thanks again Guys for your comments, Cheers Kev.

Anyways guys, thanks for your reviews, and taking the time to read through the script. Got anything You need looking at Give me a shout.

Darren...

I really liked this short Bloodprince.
Your use of descriptions really does help set the scene, for a very frantic setting inside and outside. And what Kevan was mentioning about the action verbs, you hammer them into the reader constantly which helps paint the picture for what this desperate story would look like on the screen.
I enjoyed the character Peter that you wrote. He kept pushing Ant, the whole time I was assuming Ant would snap plug Peter.

Peter was one of those characters I would have trouble writing. I understood why he kept saying things to make Ant's situation seem more hopeless, but each time he opens his mouth I couldn't help but shake my head. That's good writing. When viewer/reader can be involved like that.

I don't know if I would too disapointed if my wife turned out to be a lesbian, but hey that's me haha.

A few typos aside I really liked this. You made me want to start reading scripts again!

Hey Bloodprince,
I really liked this little script. Format, and dialogue were right on, but I have a couple of things I'd like to throw out there for suggestions about the story itself... I'm just thinking so you can tell me to knock it off if you'd like LOL but here goes...



To build more suspense and a sense of tension even greater than what you have already, why not have Ant mention his wife's name instead of just saying his wife at first. That way it could add a spark to the wife's character.
Maybe he could describe how sexy she is or some of her habits that were cute or that he hated, that way the wife would know that Ant is her lover's husband, and that he killed her.
Maybe have the wife get violent with Ant when he tells her husband that she is his wife's lover. The wife would be pissed that Ant killed her lover. Maybe she would stuggle with Ant, both of their hands on the gun, and it would go off... shooting her own husband?????

Just my thoughts...

Cindy
  




  

Just your thoughts? They are good idea's, idea's that never (i'll admit) Never entered into my mind at the time of writing. LOL!!

I had this story, and this was the one I was working on. Any idea's that came after the first revision, are in the submitted draft. I like your Idea's Cindy. And from some of your work I have read, I respect your opinion.

Thanks a lot Cindy, you keep up the great work.

Darren...

Thanks Tony, Peter is a tricky one isn't he?

Yeah I only became aware of the few typos after submission. So I may update that and submit again. I had fun writing this Short, of course I give credit to Kevan because he sparked my passion for writing shorts again, after I read his Amazing MORELLA script.

I think it is only fair to thank Kevan also, because he pushed me through this and gave me support. Cheers big Kev!!

I find that short descriptive terms is the best way (only way) to getting your point across, to paint the picture you really have envisioned in your head. it's the descriptive transference, from your mind onto page Which I often find hard at times.

Thanks Tony, Cindy, Kevan, Bert, ameruss2, for all your comments. Means a lot to me, that people are honest over another writers work.

Cheers guys,

Darren...

Hey Darren,
I'm glad my "idea's" LOL were well received. I just thought it could be a good character arc for the wife, and a way for her to change in the story. Kevan is a great person, isn't he. He helped me a lot with my script Full Circle.  

He's one of few good guys. And really goes out of his way to help you out.
Your idea's are good ones, and should I do a rewrite of Crimes of Passion I shall add those in.

Thanks, nice to meet you btw Cindy.

Darren...

BP,

Just a little payback for checking out "Coffee".  

In your opening description you have "...red and blue response lights blinding flashes through blackness".  It just doesn't read right to me.  I don't even know what the correct term would be, but it's like an unnecessary plural with flashes.  "...lights flash through blackness" or "blindingly flash through blackness", that is if blindingly is actually a real word. :)

A few typos through the rest of the opening, but on the whole it's top-notch.

Cam?  What a coincidence.

I've seen a couple of instances of "Silence.  No answer."  so far.  Seems redundant to use both.  Same thing with .45 handgun or revolver.  I think .45 on its own is sufficient.

"Emergency lights brightly flash - red and blue".  This is more in tune with what I had in mind for your first paragraph.

I agree with Bert on the last sentences of Rosenberg's dialogue.  It doesn't seem like something a negotiator would say.

And I'm done.  I'll admit you caught me a little off guard with the affair.  I was expecting it be Peter, so Lea was a nice surprise.  A new take on it.

On the whole, I liked the story.  I think you did a good job of portraying a hostage situation with a hostage taker that really doesn't know what he's doing, and you kep tmy interest throughout.

One thing I would recommend is, at the very end, either draw out the talk between Peter and Ant a little more, or get Ant out of the house right away.  That brief time you put in had me thinking, why is he not taking off?  Why isn't the SWAT team busting in.  Since I already know the end result, I think you should go with the latter.

A few typos here and there, but nothing that can't be fixed in a future proof.

Nice work.

I've read your script and really enjoyed it. Personally, I think you should take the whole first and second sequences out. It doesn't bring anything special and would cost a lot for a short. You can suggest all this at the beginning of the third sequence with the "muffled sounds of helicopters" and the" spotlight beams" outside of the house. I would present the interior of the house as the most normal one and finish, as a surprise, on the trio.

A second suggestion: when Ant first talks to Lea, maybe he should ask her personal questions as "does she love her husband?" or "how good is sex with him". That would be double meaning questions. Furthermore, I think that Lea should be more talking. She is too dull. We have to think she hides a secret. To carry on Cindy's idea, naming Ant's wife could bring something special onto Lea.

That's simply my point of view.

Michel

Cheers Mike, blindingly is actually a real word.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/blindingly

I am aware of the typos, but this is the second time I have submitted this screenplay. The first had a different direction of story, this the second has as you have pointed out typos. I have read through and seen those mistakes. I hate it when a few typos manage to slip right by you. LOL!!

Like I said I liked you "Coffee" script. I commented on your thread so you know what I was talking about. Thanks for the review mate.

The characters names are sort of in jokes, if you read them carefully you'll see these. But cheers Mate for the review again, and keep up your good work.

Hey Darren, good job here, dude. Very well written, but I have to agree with Cindy in some aspects and one of them is if I was you when Peter knows through Ant that his wife had an affair with Ant's wife, Peter whould take Ant's guns and killed Lea, then SWAT broke in and killed them. But just if I was you.

Anyway great job, Darren!

SPOILERS!





Hey Bloodprince, I read just read your script and thought I'd give some feedback. Just to let you know that I havn't read any one elses views before this as I didn't want to ruin the story or have my own views influenced in any way. Anywhoo, on with the review.

First of all there were quite a few typos, The few I found are: -

"Peter stares at him, then he blankly turns away from him
without a reply. This is amuses Ant, he steadies himself
self, two feet apart, clutches his gun in a clenched grip." - pg.3

"Lea turns away, hey eyes closes tight, she is frightened." -pg.4

"his eyes searches Ant for a moment." - pg.5 (Should that read search instead of searches?)

"ANT
I didn't come this far just to
turn myself into the fuckin'
cops!" - pg.5 (I think that should be 'in to' instead of 'into'.)

"PETER
You burst into our home, flash
your gun and orders us around." - pg.6

"CAM
Sure is! Hope he keeps this
up... I'm gettin' some some
fuckin' amazin' footage!" - pg.7

"PETER
You know, sooner or later they'll
figure out your here..." - pg.8 ('You're' instead of 'your')

"S.W.A.T. agents gets into position" - pg.10

"S.W.A.T. Agent #1 backs up closely to the wall signals his
men to do the same." - p.10 (I think there's an 'and' missin between those two word.)


Your descrioptions were good. The dialogue was good overall but I felt it could do with a little touching up in places.

I think that the interaction between Ant and Lea should've been different. Considering she had an affair with his wife he doesn't seem all that hostile towards her. Most of his animosity is aimed at Peter. In certain places it's almost like he's flirting with Lea. If you had the one who casued you such pain hostage, surely you'd ask why? or toture them more. Maybe Ant would kill Peter in front of Lea to inflict upon her the pain he feels. I dunno but in Ants situation your main goal would be revenge, but instead he seems to just spend the majority of the script waiting and telling Peter and Lea to be silent.

Overall I think the idea is sound, but a little more is needed in terms of the interaction between Ant and Lea. The ending also seemed a tad quick. I think that if you work on this a little more you'd have something really great.

Hey Darren, I thought I would take a look at this because it seemed kind of familiar, but I will get to that later.


SPOILERS



This was actually kind of a cool script.  Ant was one bad S.OB, and I like those kind of villains.

I liked the intensity through out, but I felt the ending didn't work, eventhough it is a whopper of an ending.

Now I think it happens all to fast cause the climax is shocking and has surprises, but it comes out, then it ends in a hail of bullets right away.

maybe have more go on between Ant, Peter and Lea before the bullets start to fly, let the shock sink in, I think if something happens between peter and lea that might work, maybe if Peter should kill Lea, that could work, or maybe not, just a thought.

But this did keep my interest, so good job there.

Now onto what I said at the start about this being a little familiar, that was an understatement, I have READ this before, with another writers name slapped on to it.

There were a few minor changes, but nothing huge.

Now I know you are the original writer, I have no doubts, but someone took your script, re did a little and slapped their name on it without giving you any credit.

If you would like a link to the script give me a pm, I also downloaded it just in case the writer removes it, I would be happy to email it to you.

The really frightening thing is that it was done by someone who is active on these boards.  This is a big no no and unacceptable.  I am not going to mention names, but you have every right to since this was YOUR script that was stolen.

I hope that you can get this straightened out, because this was something you put a lot of work into and it is unfair for someone to take this script, make a couple changes, then put their name on it.

Oh yeah, and by the way, your version was better than the ripped off version, just thought I'd throw that out there.

Anyways, I feel for you, and I know this will get fixed.  Good work by you:)

Maybe you should talk to Darren, sir. I have, maybe you should too.

The problem with your lawsuit against Jordan is that he did not name you. You named yourself.

Quoted from Kevan How dare you accuse me of stealing something when the work is 50 per cent mine too. Make sure you find out the correct facts before you accuse people of stealing In the real word that is slander and you would be sued in court. Think about it! And if Darren has anything about him he’ll be honest and tell you this Theboywhocouldfly Just be careful what you say in future otherwise I’ll contact your ISP, find out who you are and where you’re from and I’ll sue your ass in court. The very suggestion of it. Jesus! Kevan

Go ahead and sue me, see what I care, I got nothing so there aint nothing for you to take.

You screwed Darren over, you know it, I know it, and others know it.

So go ahead, get your lawyer and sue the shit outta me, you can have everything i own, whiich is shit, you're more than wlecome, at least I will have my pride and my girl, which is more than you will ever have.!

Alright....Let's move this back into the script discussion realm.

Wes is my friend, I ain't gonna hide that, and friends stick up for each other, that's what being friends is all about, but he aint around to delete this post for me, so I',m on my own.

Call me any names you want, do whatever you want to me, sue me and get a fuckin dry bone, I don't care.  I make stupid comments some times, I have bad judgment sometimes, but I do what I think is right, and I ALWAYS apologize and delete posts when I should, ask anyone, I make mistakes, but not this time.

I never outted you , you outted yourself.  I am not a bad person, I just screw up from time to time, and when I see someone getting screwed I will say something.

You wanna fuck with me, go ahead, does no matter if you win or lose you're coming out empty handed, but I got my friends, and I got self respect.  So say what you want, do what you want, let's let the members here decide.

Personally, I think it's cool that Jordan tried to look out for someone's script. I'd want someone to give me a heads up if I was getting screwed. So, just because it's you he was talking about Kevan, he shouldn't be vilified for doing that.

Kevan all I can say is, On your site you "HAD" and I use that term loosely, WRITTEN BY KEVAN R. CRAFT and your home address on the bottom title page... Hey where did my name go from it?

Never mind 50/50 ownership, The entire script has been Copywritten BY LAW under one name, DARREN S. WINTERS...

Sure you tweaked the script here and there, but the story is mine, far be it from me that if you took it upon yourself to rewrite something that is your problem I never asked you to. The night You got hold of Crimes of Passion I asked you to look at it for FORMAT issues... Not to change it... You never got to worried about names when it was submitted to SS, so why are you now?

All I can say is, COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT... Not only have you got MY work on your site but you have done so without my written or otherwise CONSENT...

And I know this is not the first case of such an act by Kevan where he has done this...

Just want to say a big THANKS to everyone who has been on my side. Kevans you stated that I went ahead and posted the script?

I never heard you saying not to, after all any changes you made where minimal. And then to add ONLY your name to MY work on your site now that looks bad on you!!

I'm not going to get into any petty online fights, I just want this to be sorted out before I have to seek legal advice for Copyright infringement... And I will be doing that should I really have to...

Kevan, I really think you need to think of the consequences and use your head more often.

Tsk, tsk, tsk my bodacious British buddy.

I am unlocking this thread -- and I ain't deleting nothin'.

It's not fair to Darren that this should be locked up.

BUT:  Do not contribute to this conversation.

It's over.  The parties involved can settle this by PM.

You will be deleted without notice or prejudice.

Getting back on track...

SPOILERS...

Considering the buzz this thing garnered, I figured I might as well read the damn thing.

Overall, I thought this was a pretty solid piece. The story was simple but interesting, the dialogue was natural and flowed quite nicely, and you had a pretty decent twist as well. I didn't see the lesbian bit coming. There was some relatively decent character development as well but I think there could have been more. You give a lot of information about Ant but not so much these other two. I think you could definitely use some. Near the end, the story felt somewhat static amidst all the gun blazing, threats, and "shut the fuck up!" related exclamations. I think it got to be a little too much of the same stuff after a while. I think if you beefed up the characters some, this wouldn't be as much of a problem.

Anyway, all in all, pretty decent short you have here. Nice job.

Hey,

For a thirteen page script I thought this took too long to cut to the chase, because we don't actually find out why Ant is doing what he's doing until page seven. So you might want to think about bringing that forward a tad.

I also thought Peter mouthed off too much at Ant. I think most people in that situation would probably try to pacify him not piss him off. For example, Ant tells Lea to fix him a drink, but Peter grabs her in defiance of him. I just don’t think anybody would risk getting their head blown off over something as petty as his wife fetching someone a drink.

Also, on page five Ant says, ‘You’ve got a beautiful wife there...how’d a fuckin prick like you bag a bitch like her? Hmm?

This almost sounds like he’s complementing Lea which doesn’t really make sense, because in the end we find out she’s the one he’s angry with.

As for the twist, I had a similar one in a short film I made at film school seven years ago. In my short titled Jessie. A man is franticly running along a deserted beach looking for his girlfriend Jessie. After a while he bumps into a woman and tells her he‘s worried because he and his girlfriend had come to the coast to hide out from her psycho ex partner and now she’s missing. So the woman helps the man with his search along the beach. We stay with the man and off screen we hear the woman yell out “Oh my God” the man says,’ What is it?” He runs over to the woman who is leaning over the top of a body. Again he says, ‘What is it?” to which she replies,” The murder weapon” and she swings around and stabs him in the guts. The man slumps over and dies next to his already dead girlfriend. The woman then looks over his dead body and says “It’s too bad Jessie didn’t tell you about her ex partner, because if she did you would have known that he was a she'.

Oh yes, a murder mystery with two people in it. It was as good as it sounds Lol.

Anyway, if you tighten your script up a bit and make Peter a bit more TERRIFIED of Ant, I’m sure you can take it to the next level. On the other hand, it would be funny if after protesting against Ant the whole time, Peter started yelling shoot the bitch after he found out what Ant’s motivation was. He could go from judging him to empathizing with him, as he might, given the fact that he’s been cheated on too.

Good luck with it all.

Darren,
           I thought i would give this a read also because of it's buzz and there were striking similarities to that of Kervan's but lets not get into that. This script is truelly excellent. The dialogue is spot on, the plot is good, the descriptions are through the roof. You actually write like a writer if you can understand that haha.

Only some minor errors that can be easilly corrected. You use far too many commas in your script when they are not even needed. I spotted a few instances of this. There was also one other thing that kinda took me out of the story and that was the way Ant( Antagonist- good one by the way) just suddenly blurts out with all of this stuff about his wife and so on and about the lesbianism, I quite honestly do not know how you can correct this but if there were minor clues it would have been better.

Also as have already been stated, Peter does mouth off a lot when nobody would really do that. I feel the only reason he was made to mouth off was like was for the sake of adding btter dealogue other than driving the plot or showing sides to this character.

Other than these minor things this scipt is one of the best i have read on this website and keep writing.

Good effort.

I'll just point out some of the things that I thought were slightly off in terms of the story.

1) The opening scene with the police seems unnecessary. It dosn't add anything to the drama of the script and would be a huge expense to film.

  I would strike that and just imply their presence with sound and flashing lights.

2) Peter speaks too much. He is setting the pace of the conversation at the start of the film. That is not only unrealistic but takes away the suspense because we don't get a sense of fear coming across.

3) Why is Ant so angry at Peter? It's Lea that has wronged him, so why such animosity towards the husband?

  In many ways they are kindred spirits, they have both been wronged by the same woman, one of them just doesn't know yet.

4) Lose the bit with the cameramen outside. As soon as the short goes outside the atmosphere of the piece drops completely.

5)

Quoted Text A canine unit searches outside the Frayling house. A couple of dogs sniff around the front yard then they sit, a signal they have located the target's scent.

I'm not buying the bit with the canine squad. They're not on a drugs bust and they know very well where the perp is, he's in the house. Half the force are already there.


6)

Quoted Text He whips his revolver around to his front and climbs on top of the washing machine. He peeks through a small almost blocked out window.

He should get Peter to look out of the window with a gun held to his head. He wouldn't risk the possible sniper fire.

7)

Quoted Text Keep your weapons locked in the safety position and await further instructions!

Is this standard procedure? I very much doubt it. They are specialists, I'm sure they can be trusted to hold fire rather than put it on safety.

The time it would take to take the safety off could cost a life.

8)

Quoted Text It's like this! You're fuckin' wife was sleeping with my wife! She's a lesbian bitch! She fucked my wife and now my life's fucked!

  Hmm.  He must have found out from his own wife what her name was and where she lived, so why does he ask Lea what her name was earlier in the script?

Overall quite a good effort. It's well paced and well written.

Having got to the end, I can't help but feel that you've withheld information from us to make the end more of a surprise.

We don't get any hints as to why he is in the house. This affects the level of tension in the piece; because he doesn't seem to want anything in particular, there is nothing that we are scared of him getting.

You should set up that it is Peter he is here to see more. Have Ant quiz him about personal things like his sex life with his wife.

In short ask him about all the things that he questioned his own wife about. That way he gets truthful answers about his own life from a stranger and it also gives you the opportunity to set up the ending better by misleading us that it is Peter that he wants and also allowing you to make visual sugestions with Lea when she reacts to Ants actions.

Cheers, Rick.

Quoted from Takeshi On the other hand, it would be funny if after protesting against Ant the whole time, Peter started yelling shoot the bitch after he found out what Ant’s motivation was. He could go from judging him to empathizing with him, as he might, given the fact that he’s been cheated on too.

You could take this even further.  What if Peter was so incensed by his wife cheating on him that he: loses the plot, gets Ant's gun and shoots her and then gets blown away by the cops? Then Ant could turn the tables and say that Peter had killed both the women and he could get off scot-free. That would be an ending with not one, but three twists.

I hear what your saying Chris about that ending. Truth is, that idea never entered my head!! LOL...

I want to say thanks to everyone that has taken the time out to read this short of mine. I only wish you all could have read it on better terms than what has happened!!

Quoted from Takeshi You could take this even further.  What if Peter was so incensed by his wife cheating on him that he: looses the plot, gets Ant's gun and shots her and then gets blown away by the cops? Then Ant could turn the tables and say that Peter had killed both the women and he could get off scot-free. That would be an ending with not one, but three twists.

That's actually a fantastic idea. It's not my call but I would use it if I were you. Twists come and go in varying levels of predictability but I'd say three twists are rare and if two of them fail, one of them's gotta be a shocker.

Just a thought.

Quoted from ameruss2 I don't really buy the twist unless the wife confesses before the killer can...trying to explain things to her husband..makes it true..instead of wondering. your descriptions are solid.

OK so I gave this a read and I like the story, but I have to agree with this poster on not buying the twist in the end.

Your first scene set up is unrealistic. Why all the police and helicopters and the canine units? This is supposed to be a crime scene, where Ant shot his wife, and in this case we should see police detectives and crime lab assistants examining the crime scene. But your set up is similar to what we would see during or at the end of a car chase or bank robbery. I mean how did the cops know so soon that Ant shot his wife and they're chasing him?

Ant's dialogue seems a bit unnatural. This is supposed to be a grieving man who just shot his wife because he discovered she was cheating on him and wanted to leave him. But his demeanor, and the excessive usage of the 'F' word marked him in my mind as a thug, not a grieving man. All your characters used the F word a lot by the way, including the cameraman. Talk about the cameraman and the news lady, not sure why you felt you needed them in the story, they don't add anything because we get all the facts from Ant as the story develops.

All of page 7 is dedicated to the media and the cops, even thought you already established that in page 1.

And by the way there's a title out there that's similar to yours:

http://www.we.tv/show?CID=key%3D63915%26tzOffset%3D0

Good Luck.

I have never heard of this series or film Ayham so please excuse the familiar format yeah?

I just read this.

While I like the descriptions and how you set up your scenes, I didn't really see the point of this. Like others have said, the twist wasn't very well set-up and I didn't get a "aha..." feeling at all.

I thought, because of the names you gave the characters (Antagonist, Page-turner and so forth), that you'd somehow do a commentary or spoof on a Hollywood hostage situation. A lot of it was pretty cliché. The psychopath felt very reminiscent of your average nothing-to-lose foulmouthed bank robber in a botched heist. I was sort of expecting it was just an act, that he acted like a cliché (his wife was cheating on him so he killed her) as a means to have the situation play out the way he planned.

The twist came out of nowhere and you feel like it's just another of his crazy outbursts, and not necessarily his real motivation shooting her. He did seem pretty...uhm...'spontaneous' to say the least, so it could just be anexcuse to kill her. You present a lot of information suddenly (i.e. Lea is lesbian and cheating on Peter with Ant's wife) without having anyone a chance to elaborate or dispute it. Also, maybe you should give hints to Peter and Lea's rocky marriage somehow.

Like I said, I like the way you write, but I didn't see the point in this story; what you were trying to acheive.

Quoted from Combichrist I have never heard of this series or film Ayham so please excuse the familiar format yeah?

The familliar format is excused... But I have to tell you, I sent you this link on purpose... Just to show you that mistakes, strange coicidences and misunderstandings can easily happen in the crazy business of writing

I had never doubted for a second that it is just a coincidence that this link has your script title and half of your synopsis, and I gave you all the benefits of the doubt, something you didn't give to Kevan, which I hope you reconsider doing. I've known this guy to be very helpful on this site, the first to always answer any question and almost the only one to give a very in-depth analysis of screenplays. I really think he deserves a chance, rather than all the attacks and the ruining of his reputation.

That's all I have to say.

Well the synopsis for that show ain't nothing like this other than they both have adultery in it, but I mean, how many crimes of passions are out there, and of course most of them will be about adultery....LOL

Quoted from Ayham I had never doubted for a second that it is just a coincidence that this link has your script title and half of your synopsis, and I gave you all the benefits of the doubt, something you didn't give to Kevan, which I hope you reconsider doing. I've known this guy to be very helpful on this site, the first to always answer any question and almost the only one to give a very in-depth analysis of screenplays. I really think he deserves a chance, rather than all the attacks and the ruining of his reputation.

All Kevan ever did was use wikpedia then post it, but this is one thing he can't wikpedia his way out of....LOL

Quoted from Ayham The familliar format is excused... But I have to tell you, I sent you this link on purpose... Just to show you that mistakes, strange coicidences and misunderstandings can easily happen in the crazy business of writing I had never doubted for a second that it is just a coincidence that this link has your script title and half of your synopsis, and I gave you all the benefits of the doubt,

You gave me the benefit of the doubt for MY work being stolen? Wow that is very nice of you, I think a lot of people on here know Crimes of Passion is my work and they have all seen that long before Kevan had this on his site. So as for the benefit of the doubt don't bother we all are aware that he has done this to other people, I am only the lastest victim here!!

And this is no coincidence either, or mistake... How do you mistakingly erase the original writers name from a title page? and add your own, and your own address? I guess you mark that up as a coincidence too? And as for ruining his reputation, I guess my reputation has no impact then? Excuse me if I am out of my fu**ing head here, but did he not steal my work? This will not only follow him through his career but mine also!! So I am terribly sorry If I cannot sit back and take this easy!!

No matter what Kevan was like on SS fact is people know he stole not just my work but Kotton's and god knows how many other peoples work!!

I'm very sorry if my comments offended and made you more upset than you already are. That was not my intention at all...

Cheers :)

No Ayham it didn't mate, I just feel people are now changing from me, and going with Kevan... I mean as the original author I feel forever on SS people will despise me for Kevan's actions, and will not take my views as real because of what he did... I never meant you any harm Ayham, IO just meant I know myself in my heart I wrote this script, and when people start to turn on me and say I never I get hurt and feel rejected... Because a few people on here knowq I am in the right and Kevan is in the wrong!! I have the proof to back up my story!!

So when people hit out at me on this case I get hurt because I submitted my work in truts to members of this board to read and review and all I am getting is this crap that I am not the writer or I have no proof!! I do... and I am... So it hurts I have never been in such a position like this in my life!! And let me tell you it really sucks I cannot sleep at night!! because people may believe the LIER over the truth who is me!!

This has once again slid away from talking about the script, so I willl lock this thread.

Don