Snap Detour by Jason G. (eljefedetonto) - Series, Comedy, Adventure - A quirky young man sets out on the open road, looking for the the adventure of a lifetime. 29 pages - rtf, format 8)

Ok my first script read...
The logline suggests a road trip that was never taken...I prefer stories where stuff happens like: one of the guy's at the party who most don't like..accidently drinks
too much and croaks....No one wants any part of it...so Gimmy gets
the task of taking a road trip with the quiet guy in the trunk.as long as someone else comes along. they
spend alot of time deciding where his friend should get out.
Paranoia reigns!

Interesting premise. But the idea is that he's supposed to go on this big road trip and it's stilted when he decides to stop only 50 miles away. But in later episodes, he gets back on track.

I read that part about a series...after I posted.
sorry about that. Cheers.

Jason
      If you ever decide on a dead guy in the trunk.
      be sure a girl goes along for the ride..and then the two argue about who
      she like more...maybe she digs the stiff.

       WEEKEND  AT BERNIE'S  as a road trip?
      

                                                    

Quoted from ameruss2 Jason       If you ever decide on a dead guy in the trunk.       be sure a girl goes along for the ride..and then the two argue about who       she like more...maybe she digs the stiff.        WEEKEND  AT BERNIE'S  as a road trip?

Too bad you weren't around when we were doing the 48 Hour Film this weekend. But that's off topic.

Anyway, I've already written most of episode 2, but I haven't had a chance to finish it, because I've been working on other films. Perhaps if I get more feedback I'll rewrite this pilot.

Alright, so I finally read it.

It was alright.  It needs to be more funny, for one thing.  I mean there were paets that were funny, but you need more of them, if you develop your characters a little more this should come easily.  As of right now though, I would not label it as a comedy series. Comedy series are like sitcoms and need to deliver gag after gag, this was more of an "the O.C." esque show, ya know?  If thats what you want, great,. but change how it say's comedy in the og line.  If that is not wha you want, add more jokes.

My only other commet was I think it ended kind of suddenly.  You should come to a conclusion, basically of him driving away, either with the girl, or without her.  Just my opinion.

Good job though, interesting premise.  I hope you keep going with this.

Quoted from Higgonaitor Alright, so I finally read it. It was alright.  It needs to be more funny, for one thing.  I mean there were paets that were funny, but you need more of them, if you develop your characters a little more this should come easily.  As of right now though, I would not label it as a comedy series. Comedy series are like sitcoms and need to deliver gag after gag, this was more of an "the O.C." esque show, ya know?  If thats what you want, great,. but change how it say's comedy in the og line.  If that is not wha you want, add more jokes. My only other commet was I think it ended kind of suddenly.  You should come to a conclusion, basically of him driving away, either with the girl, or without her.  Just my opinion. Good job though, interesting premise.  I hope you keep going with this.

Thanks for the review. Actually, I had the same problem with that short I just finished shooting. I was told that it was much more drama than comedy. I was pissed at first, but it'll be nice to break out of this habit. I don't mind writing drama, but when I write comedy I need it to stay comedy. Always getting off track.

The ending, yeah. I think Don didn't even post it at first because he thought I sent in an unfinished script. I tacked on that last scene with a rather lackluster effort. But I wasn't sure where to go, I was already breaching 29 pages.

I'll probably re-write the whole thing from scratch when I get my laptop going again. I was also working on episode two, which so far entails Gimmy waitering at a hotel bar in Iowa to pay off damages from a bar fight... and that bar fight is based on a true story  :B

edit: as it stands right now, I'm at a crossroads on whether or not to re-write this into a true comedy or leave it as a drama. I see a lot of potential going in either direction... I mean I remember all the hijinks that just happen when I take the drive to Spokane every year, but I also see some nice growth and coming of age from this. regardless, I'm locked into another script right now, so it might be a bit before I get back to Snap Detour.