Have a Nice Day - Print Topic

You know, I read this the other day but didn't comment on it.  I didn't recognize the name at first -- but I've seen you reading some stuff around here, which is cool -- and always preferable to new members that beg for reads while contributing nothing.

Comments contain SPOILERS:

*  You should remove every instance of the word "WE" from your script.  It's like a rule.  For example, "We can hear the noise of a water drop" could become, "The PLUNK-PLUNK of a dripping faucet is the only sound", or something like that.  But a few seconds later you suggest that someone is filling the tub, and the sound of running water becomes "deafening".  That's confusing.  Which is it?
*  Lose all the "TIME CUTS:" -- another convention that is not seen in spec scripts.  New sluglines are enough to signal a new scene.  And you already tell us that it's "later" anyways.
*  When Terry says, "I'm sincere", he actually comes off as kind of a freak.  His dialogue was working fine up to that point, however.
*  Don't ever tell us what "the camera" is doing.  Another rule.  Just describe what you imagine on the screen without using that particular word.
*  Heh -- saved by a machine -- and later, quite the opposite.  Is that the point here?

You have a nice way with words, though sometimes the language barrier creeps in, as with other foriegn writers around here.  Check out some stuff from Helio haha.  But, as with Helio, the story itself is strong enough to carry us over those small bumps, and I suspect most readers won't mind.

This is a simple story, simply told.  Nice job.

[Edit:  Hey, and stop disrespecting Horror scripts.  You're gonna hurt my tender little feelings.]

[quote=Bert]
You have a nice way with words, though sometimes the language barrier creeps in, as with other foriegn writers around here.

Show some examples, please. Il really want to improve mys style. I have to admit I wrote in two hours. Maybe I should have re-read myself, but I was short in time

Michel ;D

I don't disrespect Horror scripts. Just said there were too many.

Sorry... I won't do it again...

Hey Again! I just read your short story. It's really good, tragic and full of meaning. I particularly found it really meaningful, considering the fact that I'm a fate person! Still... you did a really nice job, this is the second script that i've read from you and I really think that you are going places, you just need to improve some aspects... but... don't we all? I'm gonna keep reading some of your other scripts!

Hey Michel, got a couple of comments about this one.

*SPOILERS*

I liked how it starts, you've got a hook right away. Couldn't help but wonder why was she going to kill herself, and who was 'him' and why he was so important. The anwser to those questions is left to the reader's imagination but it's fine for a short.

My only problem with the story is that Eva's mood change seemed too sudden. We meet her in a suicidal state and in the next scene she's 'ready to conquer the world'. You should work a bit more on this process.

Think of personality changes as a math equation: the final result is not enough to pass the test, you've got to show your math.

Bert already gave you good tips about format. Check out the articles listed below, follow their advice and your scripts will read much better.

http://www.creativescreenwriting.com/csdaily/craft/05_06_05.html
http://www.screenwritersutopia.com/modules.php?name=Content&pa=showpage&pid=2698

Note:  This post will probably be very boring to anyone but Michel.

Michel, you seem concerned about your lapses in English, so I thought I would go back through this and pluck them out for you.  We'll correct Helio and Mr. Z from time to time as well, and as with them, when the story is good, no reader (around here, anyway) is going to hold any of this stuff against you.

As I said -- none of them is a big deal -- and in no instance is your true meaning lost, but since you asked:

"is leaned over the bathtub" should be "leans over the bathtub"

"puffed and redden" should be "puffed and reddened" or (better) "puffy and red"

"She finishes to draw" should be "she finishes drawing" or (better) "she draws"

"her rhythm paces" should be "her rhythmic pace"

"Are you always eating this way?" should be "Do you always eat this way?"

"laughing as a little girl" should be "laughing like a little girl", or (better) "laughs like a little girl."

For a script, try to avoid the "ing" ending with verbs.  Keep them active instead of passive.  They read stronger that way.

Hope this helps.

Hey michel,
I read your little short this morning. Here's my thoughts...

Listen to bert, also describe what is seen, do not tell...

Your opening scene you say the rooms are tidy. Then you say drawers are half-empty, and there's a wardrobe with only feminine clothing... How do we know that if the room is tidy? So then I assume that the drawers are open, as well as the wardrobe and it's not tidy at all.

Metallic Voice                                                  COMPUTER GENERATED VOICE (V.O.)
(on the phone)    should be something like                           or
                                                                                    MAN (V.O.)

I also agree that she went from wanting to kill herself, to completely fine way too quick.
I'd build on her having a bad day at first. Maybe it's raining outside, the dresser drawers are open, the room is a mess... Maybe she touches something and it falls to the floor and breaks... Everything is doom and gloom in her world.
Something has to change her mind about wanting to die. Maybe it was her man on the phone wanting to meet her somewhere??? Maybe he's coming over??? I don't know, but something. Have her go from gloom to hope, maybe pick up her apartment as she waits for him, then go to the part where she gets killed somehow, but try to make it original.
Your story just needs some fleshing out.

Cindy

The review:

First thing, when you say that the water is hot on the very first page. You need to describe how it is hot. Is it bubbling or steaming? I didn't know, and that's not correct from what I've heard.

How does she violently hang up? Does she slam it against the reciever? Does she scream and throw it? We need to know what violent is!!!

I'm confused, she wakes up out of a dream on page 3? Or what? There wasn't any indication of a scene change here.

On page for, how does the child's mother look like she has been pushed over the limit? Is her hair in knots, does she glare???

That's the problem with your script. You don't explain what anyone or anything is like. You say she looks pushed over the edge, but what is pushed over the edge? I'm sorry if i'm coming across as harsh, but I had trouble.

That whole paragraph in caps shouldn't be in caps whatsoever.

The ending left me saying out loud... Dur dur dur... I didn't understand that part. In fact, I didn't understand the entire script.

1.5/5

Come on, you can do better.

English isn't your first language and Bert's already talked to you about that so...
SPOILERS
Who's Tom? Is he her ex or what? Explain why she was going to slit her wrists.

Your descriptions are very vague, like Cindy says, you need to describe what we see, not what the characters are feeling (unless they, for example, LOOK sad or upset). Don't just
say "She is angry" or "She is furious" - describe that they LOOK furious like "Her face is red and she is frowing angrily" or something.

Your ending wasn't as effective as it could have been. You could have made us get to know Eva more before killing her, maybe it would have meant more. Still, I never saw her death coming and it was a surprise and slightly upsetting.

Overall, if you fixed the things in you descriptions Bert said too,(and listened to my review :D) this would be a vey good short.

Now go read Zest!

Thank you all for your reviews. I rewrite it following everybody's advices and submit it again.

Michel 8)

I have uploaded a last draft of the script after every wise advices you made.

Hope this time you'll like it

Michel 8)

Hi Michel.  I looked at the new version you have up, and found it to be much like the old version, with a few changes here and there -- but in most cases for the better.

One good change is the smoother transition to Eva’s turnabout this time.  You’ve fleshed that out a bit, and it serves the story well.

Replace “water drop” with “running water”.

When Eva first meets Terry at the park, there is a long paragraphs that should be broken up into smaller pieces.  No more than four lines for any one paragraph of description is the generally accepted convention.

This section, where Eva and Terry meet, has also been improved.  A few additional lines of dialogue is really all it took to make their mutual attraction a little more real to me as a reader.  But Eva should say it “sounds weird”, not “looks weird”.

The new ending is kind of odd -- I mean the V.O. -- I am not sure I understand it, but that doesn’t stop it from feeling quite poignant in its own way.  I do wonder what it means.

I liked the first version just fine, Michel, and I liked this one better.  For me, I would consider it improved, if a bit darker this time.

Hey Mike,

Nice script,

Good formatting and character diologe. You got a hook right off from the begining and it keeps going from there. Alot in just 6 pages. Are you planning a feature to this?

Dan

Sorry for the delay every one

Bert,

In fact I don't know why I put a V.O. at the end. I felt it this way, maybe to not end the story on the cab screeching and the shock noise.

I took notice of your remarks and I'm glad you liked this new version better. That what the reviews are made for, isn't it?

Hi Daniel.

Thank you for your review.

I don't think making a feature out of it. Mainly for two reasons:

the subject is not strong enough to last for 1h30.

the sad end wouldn't be welcome in a feature and this one cannot end as happy ever after.

Thanks for reading

Michel 8)

Hey mon ami!

I read your short guid! I did like it a lot.

The people before me gave you good advices, some are usefull for now on. Keep them with you.

My name was quoted many time here! Wow! I commit myself many grammar erros in my scripts but I know that everybody understand what I meant in wrong writing.

I miss Eva backround story. As someone here said, tell us why she tried to kill herself.

An idea: When Eva goes to the park was her past (flashback). Don't call the guy a name because he is indeed Tom. They make love in the park and Eva became inj love with him, but he desappear, so desapointed she try to commit suicide.

Well mi amigo,

Thank you for your review. Believe me, i do appreciate.

About your idea that's quite a good idea to dig. Why not?

I'm gonna think about it and let you know

Thanks Helio

Michel 8)

The story is very vague. You need to explain several things. Eva is hit by the car at the end. What happens? Does she die? What is Terry's reaction? Perphaps you could add a few more pages describing what Terry does after this horrific scene.

Not bad. You kept this concise and mysterious, maybe a little to mysterious.

Doug

I do kind of agree with Dmackbone, your story is a little vague. I didn't get it, was there a hidden message behind all of this? Was it supposed to make the reader think? I'm unaware.

My guess is that you were writing as you went along? If I'm wrong, please forgive me, but the script has that sort of feel to it.

And the way it ended so ubruptbly, I hate when scripts do that.

Aside from all that criticism, I want to let you know that you are a pretty talented writer. I probably say that a lot, but I always mean it. Everyone here is a massively creative person.

Let me know if you have any other shorts you would like me to read.

P.S. I'm not in the mood for reviewing a feature because of my school work, sorry.

After three long years of intensive work, here's the rewrite available with a new logline:

After a tragic break, Louise meets Terry. But is it really the first day of the rest of her life?

Thank you for your appreciation

Michel 8)

Michel,

Just gave this a read and I liked it alot. It has a classic feel to it. In fact, it almost had a TWILIGHT ZONE feel to it.

I visioned this in black and white. The simplicity of a park and ice cream. Very Rod Serling. I personally think he was a great writer.

Of course the tough part to that would be the cell phone acpect being modern and all.

Very quick and clean read. I followed her right along right up until BAM- you know.

Have a nice day :-)

Shawn.....><

Hi Shawn,

thank you for the reading. I appreciate. I'm surprised you felt it like Twilight Zone. OTOH, it's a compliment. But I never intended to write in this way.

Glad you liked it.

Have a Nice day too...

Michel 8)

Hey Michel,

just read this one.

SPOILERS

It's basically about a woman ready to commit suicide. An automated phone call saves her from doing that at the last minute. She decides she still wants to live and goes out to the park where she meets a new guy, gets all excited and when crossing the street she gets another automated phone call and she's not paying attention so she gets hit by a car and dies.

Okay, that's the short version. I like the idea here and the basics of the story. However I did have some issues with this.

I didn't really buy Louise's sudden change of heart. I would have liked to see a little more struggle there. A little more internal conflict before the change. Going from suicidal to ready to conquer the world is a huge swing of the mood pendulum.

Same thing with her meeting Terry. It seemed a little too quick, but it sort of worked.

I didn't see the tragic ending coming at all. Was a bit shocking, ironic and sad...but that's good. :)

On page 5 you have LATER as character and the action as dialogue.

Anyway, good job. Good story overall.

Pia :)

Thanks Pia for the reading.

Quoted from Grandma Bear

I didn't really buy Louise's sudden change of heart. I would have liked to see a little more struggle there. A little more internal conflict before the change. Going from suicidal to ready to conquer the world is a huge swing of the mood pendulum.

I know it's the major issue of the story. But like our French king Francis I used to say: "Woman's inconstancy is legend, to trust in her, heaven forfend..."

My opinion is just that the irony of the first phone call, woke Louise up and showed her the stupidity of her act.

Quoted from Grandma Bear

Anyway, good job. Good story overall.

Thank you. I have another rewrite on its way. Hope this new one will please you too.

Cheers

Michel 8)

Like most of your scripts I enjoyed this one.  Very simple and archetypal.
Notes as I read:
I'm not entirely opposed to music cues, but with your opening line its a bit of an issue because i've never heard of it.  But you do describe it as sad, so I guess it works.
Bottom of page one, her eyes are puffy like she had cried alot, might sound better 'like she has been crying alot.'
top of page three might read better: "Louise pushes back violently, the cell phone falls to the carpet.  She can still hear..."
Middle of page five it looks like LATER and Louise eats huge icecream cone got formatted as dialogue.
Bottom of page five, Louise pretends not seeing him should be 'pretends to not see him'
p7 Terry speaks with big moves, you mean gestures?

I think with Louise changing heart, if you just implied that the whole cleaning apartment, better dressing took place over more time it would work.  You don't need to add anything else, just format it in a way that shows passage of time.

I did quite like the ending.  The only issue was the caller ID does say TIM, so the VO at the very end is more of a flashback type thing, as opposed to what actually happened.  I think it would be nice to only imply that it was Tim, through her reaction to the phone call, then have it really be another automate message.
That way the computer saves her once, then later kills her.
Also shows that it's only her refusal to give up on Tim that prevents her from starting over.

In any case it was a good read, I look forward to any revisions you put out.

Michel

For me, this had both good and bad elements. I'm a stickler for bad endings so I favoured the conclusion to this, both as a counetrpoint to the frothiness of the previous scenes in the park but it also provided a dramatic finish. Nice touch with the "Have a nice day" line too.

You took your time in setting up the beginning which I can't criticize as I'm guilty of similar build ups. You often right your prose as one line at a time which breaks up the descriptive but you could probably cut a page at least of this by allowing your selfsome theree or four line paragraphs, nothing wrong with them. I guess its just a style thing, we all have our own idiosyncrasies and trademarks.

I don't think the story suffered too much from this extended set up as it help create the mood, character and situation for the reader. Some lines were a bit general but I'm used to your style now and was able to ascertain the kind of place you were talking about here. I enjoyed the sound effects and the odd direction thrown in here and there, we all know its frowned upon but I feel when used sparingly it can assist the read.

As I mentioned above the park scenes were a bit too corny for my liking. I know what your going for, this chance meeting with a prince charming which will elevate Louise out of her malaise and get over her ex but the whole exchange was so contrived, that you couldn't take it seriously. You see these type of scenes every second film that si churned out of Hollywood under the dreaded Rom-Com genre.

The ending offered some consolation for me as I was afraid you were going to end it on a high note which would have frankly being unbearable so I have to give you some points for that.

Some background on Louise's relationship with Tim, could always be an avenue to explore if you rewrite this, but as always, length is the primary concern in a short. I feel in scripts like this you have to be prepared to be thrown into the middle of something and put up with some of your questions simply not being answered. However, since Louise was actually about to kill herself, actually going to go through with it, thats a pretty strong act right there so you'll have to appreciate that readers will demand to know more about why she is doing it.

As I said, some good and bad here, best of luck with it.

Col.

Ophelia and Col, thanks for your reading.

Quoted from Ophelia

Like most of your scripts I enjoyed this one. Very simple and archetypal.

I know I try to be as simple as possible to give an universal reading to my work. And, Gosh, if you have to read all my shorts, get prepared for 40 days and 40 nights of nightmare…
BTW, I see you submitted a short. I owe you...

Quoted from Ophelia

I'm not entirely opposed to music cues, but with your opening line its a bit of an issue because i've never heard of it. But you do describe it as sad, so I guess it works.

I'm sure you know that music (through commercials among others). OTOH, it's maybe my chauvinistic side to put some French music through my stories. And, also, bring a little bit of culture… lol
Here that music:

Quoted from Ophelia

Bottom of page one, her eyes are puffy like she had cried alot, might sound better 'like she has been crying alot.'(…) top of page three might read better: "Louise pushes back violently, the cell phone falls to the carpet. She can still hear..."

I plead guilty for those and for the rest. As you should know English is not my natural language, I keep learning everyday. Thanks to people like you.

Quoted from Colkurtz8

You often right your prose as one line at a time which breaks up the descriptive but you could probably cut a page at least of this by allowing your selfsome theree or four line paragraphs, nothing wrong with them. I guess its just a style thing, we all have our own idiosyncrasies and trademarks.

The "one line" thing is not a style (IMO), but my way to try to figure each shot. When I write I imagine the film and give a paragraph for every shot I see. Sometimes it's only one line…

Anyway, thanks to both for your patience and your care.

Michel 8)