Listen Up! by Pedro Chaves (rpedro) - Short - Ever been to an Helpdesk? Never to such one!  17 pages - pdf, format 8)

Pedro, I have no idea what you're trying to say in your logline.

Give me a few days and I'll give you a review.  Kinda owe one to James's House Of God.

yeah, I know, my log line sucks..

When subbminting the script I had no idea at all for a log line. So I just wrote something. :-)

To my opinion, there's no punchline in your story. Though this is a comedy (is it?), every people working for the hotline are way too weird to be accepted. There should at least one black sheep (there's always one everywhere) that unbalances the ambiance. This person could look as a "savior" for Kim but could consider her as "weird" as the others. Kim is too "virgin". She could be an unsatisfied user who pretend to apply for a job here to see what's really happening inside the Helpdesk office.

I was a little disappointed at the end. I expected something funny about Kane motto "Just kidding!". A last thing, the title is not strong enough and doesn't reflect the script mood. Maybe "Hot Lines" or even "Just Kidding!"

Besides all this, I enjoyed reading your script. It was funny, well written, with a good pace. Once again, I think you should re-write the end. Kin leaving is not surprising enough to be funny.

Hope you see what I mean

Michel :)

Yeah Michel, I see exactly what you mean,

I was blocked at the end, didn't knew how to finish this one,

and I just watched Mel Brooks History of the world, remember the musical part about the inquisition? Well, I thought, "Oh hell, let's finish this baby, Broadway Style, with every one singing, just to show the absurdity'! :-)

here the example of the mel brooks musical! : http://youtube.com/watch?v=lAVJ9ZyghlA&mode=related&search=mel%20brooks


But you are right, I should change the title, the log line, add a black sheep (maybe I'll do it litteraly :D héhé

Really thanks for your comment Michel, you made mee see a few mistakes I made very well! :D

you're welcome Pedro. Always appreciate to be helpful
;D

nobody else a small advice about this one? :-)

Here's my opinion. All things aside, the short is so completely unbelievable that it isn't funny. I actually work in a call center. I have worked in several, in fact. Nearly every employee you have would be fired for the actions detailed in the script. Profanity is prohibited on a call center floor and is grounds for immediate termination...in all 4 centers I've worked for. There goes Musashi. Bad mouthing the customer as Jean did is immediate termination. You have instances that can be considered sexual harrassment from Alejandro. Kane is a question mark, though since his attitude generally sucks, but he seems ok.

So, I couldn't ever get into it. My current informal title is Help Desk, and no one in my department comes close to this. Is there humor to be found in this? Oh yes. But you need to make it more real first.

thanks for your opinion George! Greatly appreciated!

I sent you a PM! :-)

this is a sureal comedy! A spoof about helpdesk, with a lot of stereotyps. :-)