Anyone There? by Michel J. Duthin - Short - A lost man enters a mysterious house.  4 page - pdf, format 8)

spoilers

I didn't get it......is it a dream, is he dead?

You need to reword much of this script. It just doesn't flow at times... For the most part, however, it did read decent and it was pretty descriptive and that was good.

I take it that the man had already died and this was sort of like his own personal hell, maybe. Looking back at his life at stages, only with the eyes of an adult.

If that's what you were going for then, yeah, good script... If not, then it probably needs to be fleshed out a bit more, cause I can see where one might drift into the thought of it being "just another" trap scenario of impaired dream.

I dunno... What I walked away with might've been different than what anyone else or you intend.

Decent little 4 page script, though. I don't say that much anymore either.

This one went over my head. The writing and format are in ship shape but I don't understand the story. It felt like just a bunch of random dreams transitioning into each other. There doesn't appear to be any story in site. I think you need to expand on this considerably. I may check back here if you decide to do so. Four pages isn't exactly a chore so I'd have no problem reading this again when (if) it's more fleshed out.

Thank you for the reviews.

That story is a metaphor about life and death. Yes, the man is dead. That's why his family are sad on the picture. The closed room in the house represents his life, everything he lived, just as the flash you have before you die. The candle is his dying soul.

I thought it was simple, but I realize I missed the boat.

Michel 8)

Hey Michel, just read this and I thought it was cool.  

A little strange but overall good.  I know some people were a bit confused, as I was at first.

I had an idea that maybe as the candle burns and the light fades, that possibly the man slowly dissapears/fades away as in becomes transparent.  Leaving an empty room - silent.  I don't know, just a suggestion.

Hey,

At first I thought that the man was out of gas. Walking down the road with a ags can. But as he started into a room I seen that he was seeing his life IE the wedding his kids or even his own child hood. Nice writing. A few spelling errors.  I like the part when the candle burns out and the room dissapeared and there was a brick wall. (Nice Visual)  I like the way the story did it's twist and turns. A very nice piece.

Dan

Hello Michel,

I also was a bit confused but I see the metaphor.  Creepy... but I see it. lol  I wouldn't like that kind of an end in real life.  It feels so lonely and cold with just memories scattered about.

I'm also reading your other script, "Wings of Valor".  I'll post soon on that.

Talk to ya soon,
Michelle

Well written and the format was great.

SPOILERS

I guess the story was about a man who was in transition between life and death. The room full of toys and pictures was his life flashing before his eyes. His death occurred when the candle light went out.

TYPOS: Page 1- The man passes the grate. It should read: The man passes the gate.
Page 2- a child blue bike.  It should say a child’s blue bike.  

Hey Mike,

One question why start off with the man carrying a gas can?

Just curious.

Dan

The story was confusing. It's a very good and interesting concept though, with the brick wall and the candle going out, just think the story needs to be cleared up about what and why this is actually happening, without having to explain it all on the message board, ya know? Maybe it would play better if it was shot? I don't know. But it was written very well. I'll probably be checking out your other work at some point in the future. I've been meaning to read some of your stuff to see how you write, which is why I read this, to get a taste. I see that you've got a lot of scripts on here, and you've definitely got talent, so yeah. Just hope the stories are more clear. ha ha ha. Keep up the good work:)

Hi sryknows

Thanks for your review and for your compliments. I DO hopê to be good writer. I'm working hard on it (LOL).

In shorts, you have to be incisive and quick, working most of the time on a single idea, and sometimes you might not be very clear trying to get the essential of it.

To me, this story is just an allegory of the passage from life to death, including its mysteries it has to keep. In fact, that room represents the man's coffin.

Quoted from Daniel_Robinson One question why start off with the man carrying a gas can? Dan

Why not? (lol)


Michel 8)

Good one. lol

I was just trying to figure out the whole story, it all makes sense except for him carying a gas can unless it was the last thing he was doing before he died.

Thanks,
Dan

Hey Michel,

Four pages, I couldn't not look at this. As most here have already said, it's pretty confusing, strange and there are plenty of questions after finishing.

I read what you were going for and it's very good. The metaphor, it's just not that visible in the script though. I'm not sure how you could make it more obvious but if you do a rewrite, make sure it's not too obvious. As always, it's very well written and seeing your name on the script makes me want to have a look anyways. The title, I usually get at you for the title but I know it would be pretty hard to find a really good, catchy, appropriate title that doesn't reveal too much. So, Anyone There is good.

Again, nice script as usual, presentation great, the flow good at most points but just a tad bit confusing not knowing what's actually going on. :)

GBM

Hey GravyBoatMan,

thanks for your review. It's good to know that someone likes what you're doing.

I like shorts scripts a bit confusing cause like I said "working most of the time on a single idea, and sometimes you might not be very clear trying to get the essential of it"

Short are made, IMHO, to surprise and ask questions afterwards. That's my conception. I rewrote "Have a Nice Day" and "Blue Eyes" is the way that everyone could catch what was going on. About "Anyone there?", though it may not be clear, I'd prefer to leave it this way. It's true that I visualized it and, surely, I didn't retranscript things perfectly. I'll do better next time.

I think you'll like my next shorts to come.

See you

Michel 8)

Hey Michel, this was a neat little story, but I have to admit I didn't understand all of it, but after reading some other posts here I get it now.

A few grammer problems here.

on page 2 you write "He lifts it and enters the room looking like a child bedroom, only lighted by a candle and a saucer"

a better way maybe " He lifts it and enters a child's bedroom, which is lit only by a candle"

also on page 2 you write "he puts the tank on the floor and steps to a child blue bicycle"

another way would be " He puts the tank on the floor and steps towards a blue children's bicycle"

I thought you had some very good desciptions here, and an erie mood.

It was a decent read all in all, and now looking back on it, it makes a little more sense.

anyways hope this hepls.  Keep up the writing :)

Hi "boy"

Thanks for you review. It'll help. I'll try now to write clearest scripts. You're not the only who didn't get it, don't worry.

Michel 8)

Hi everyone!

just let you know that "Anyone There?" has just been produced in the USA as "Awake" by Brandon Ford. I'll keep you posted as soon as I'll have further details.

Michel 8)

Michel...

Well congrats is in order.  Always good to hear news like this.  Where have you been hiding?

Ghostie

Hey Michel,

congrats on getting this one produced. thats always a good feeling (as long as they stick to your vision mind you).

as far as the script was concerned, i thought it was okay. nothing too original or ground breaking by any means, but you have a vision and you portrayed it well on paper. unfortunately that vision is a little unclear to the audience (as several people have already stated). EVERYTHING in a script has to have a point. every action, dialogue, prop, etc must be relevant to the script's overall theme. in this short, it was hard to figure out what had meaning and what didnt. quite frankly, i dont think you know either. my advice? to lengthen the script yet make it more concentrated. focusing on someone's life and death is a bit too generic and overdone

I don't get the gas can part. It doesn't connect to anything other than his 'finding' the house.

Nicely written for the most part. There seems like there might be some language issues. Is English your first language? I only ask because some of the sentence structure struck me as a tad off. No biggie but you might have a second look at it anyway.

I figured out he was looking at his past and that he was dead buy missed the metaphor about not being able to leave the room. Also, was he trying to set the place on fire? I got a bit confused at the end.

But it was a good smooth read. Nice writing.

Michel,

Good on you for the production credit. You should be proud.
Would you care to elaborate on how this came together?

Your script is four pages, the film is seven minutes.
Did you work with Brandon at any stage of the production?

Best of luck and congrats!

Regards,
E.D.

I didn't work with Brandon. I let him work on his own. After he posted the first minutes of the short on thye net, I tried to convince him to stay in one direction but he didn't. As for the title I was not convinced with. But never mind, I've got credit.

And it's not finished yet......

Michel 8)

Hello Michel,

Congratulations on this!

My take on this is that the guy is officially dead, but his mind has conjured up an idea to make himself "think" he's only out of gas because he can't face the truth.

Sandra

And the winner is............... Sandra!!!! :)