Rockin the Suburbs - Print Topic

Hey Alanah,

Guess your next on the list.  I remembered you as being surferchicky, so I knew you'd be around for the feedback.  Anyway, on to the script.

In the opening line of description, you refer to things as new (the house, the neighbor), but then explain this in the first line of dialogue.  I think you can cut out the "news" in the descriptions.

The scene in the living room - She has popcorn in the microwave.  Is the microwave in the living room?

If your dialogue spills over to a second line, the first word is capitalized whether it's the beginning of a new sentence or not.  Word is probably doing ti automatically, and it's a quick fix, but I thought I'd let you know.

Lucille introducing herself and pointing to her name on the blackboard seems kind of weird.  I don't think a teacher would intro herself to high schoolers like that.  The name on the  board is fine, but pointing to it?  Kinda Kindergarten-y.

Some of the introductions are improper, like Wayne and Devon where they're just referred to as an owner and student at first.

You should keep calling him Hector or Mr. Stone consistent.

On the whole, I enjoyed the story, but felt that it was much closer to a drama than a comedy.  You've got some really heavy stuff going on here and I think it just fits better that way, kind of a teen soap opera.

Anyway, for a first draft I think this is a nice piece.  I'd go back through it and try to tighten up some of the descriptions and maybe trim a little, but all in all a nice script revolving around a diverse batch of characters.

Good work.