A Dreadfully Meaningful Story about the Universe and Other Dreadful Things by J A Parker (gravyboatman) - Short, Comedy, Sci Fi - This is a meaningful story about our universe and the question about intelligent life outside of our planet. 6 pages - rtf, format 8)

Thanks Don for putting this up for me.

This is the last one I'm doing as a small "Meaningful" short collection (unless something big happens to it) :D. This one is my favourite I think, or at least one of my favourites. I wrote it about 2 weeks ago so the fomatting is a little off I'm afraid. Any comments about this short would be great and I'd read any short in return.

Jamie :)

Hello Jamie. I hope you don't mind me directing you as such. I read your short script and it truly fascinated me.  

Some problems I encountered:

"he shines light staring with mighty puzzlement."

I understand what you are tyring to convey but this sentence needs abit tweaking.

"Hundreds, if not, thousands of stars almost fill the clear, dark sky of the night. Each star is showing a different brightness, almost a different look with each holding a different story."

You used this again in the end. I think its best to come with something new rather than using the same thing again.

Also, I wasn't fully aware of Jeff and Beth's disappearance by the UFO's. I thought it was that they were detained by the scientists and army. try to see if you can make this more apparent.

In addition, I believe that characterizing the narrator's voice is unnecessary.  The dialogue itself showed it.

Other than that, I enjoyed the story. It was a great read.

Gabriel

Thank you for your words Gabriel. I understand where you are coming from about Jeff and Beths disappearance. I need to make it more apparent. I think that's my main weakness in writing. I vision such things and write them down how I think they should go but most times they are confusing and several people have to debate on what I mean or what has happened. I will improve on this.

Thanks again for the comments. :)

FADE IN: should be on the left and FADE OUT: on the right.

SPOILERS:

"EXT. STAR CONSTELLATION - NIGHT"
Hundreds, if not, thousands of stars almost fill the clear, dark sky of the night."
There is no day or night in space.
If you mean seen from earth you need to state that. The way it reads now, I thought we were in space.

"your Grandma"s old teeth! Haha

The "Welcome to earth" dancing people reminded me of that scene from Contact. Loved that movie.

The second EXT. STAR CONSTELLATION - NIGHT
Had a copy/paste feel to it, you may want to reword that.

That scene heading, this time means seen from space so I was a little confused. I assumed you meant it seen from earth as you did the first time.

I think dialogue is not supposed to carry over from one page to another, but if it has to, you need to right CONT"D at the bottom right of the page and CONTINUED at the top left of the new page, I think. You can ask one of the more experienced writers here and I'm sure they'd be happy to tell you the correct way.

I liked this one. I think this one was the better and most clear of the shorts in your series so far.

Good job.  8)

I liked this one. Basically a sci-fi with some philosophy mixed into it but very open so as not to shove beliefs down one's throat. Much like the other two entries of this trilogy you've created (I'd say keep it a trilogy as sequels work best that way).

For the most part, everything seems to be in good shape. However...

- Beth doesn't need to say "a meteror." It's quite obvious already.

- Jeff says "wonder where it's from." Where else? Outer-space. I'd omit this line as well. It's silly.

That's about it.

I really dig this whole "Meaningful Story" trilogy. Each story is simple enough but the narrations really put an interesting spin on it. They make you think but don't try to trick you into thinking a different way. All of them have a distinct and original style that make them yours and yours alone. That's not neccesarily an easy thing to have done.

Good job with this, Jaimie. All in all, I think I liked the one with the fridge the best.

Thank you for the words Pia and James. I'm glad this last one I wrote for the Meaningful Story series is being seen as more of a success than anything else. I'm really happy with what each story holds and within this year, along with completing my next full-length The Vent, I will put right any mistakes and unnecessary parts so I can really feel they are complete.

Again, thank you for reading. Any more comments are very welcome. :)

Jamie

I wasn't very happy with this script.  For starters, it seemed for like the introduction to a sci-fi/comedy show than a script.  I found the Narrator to be very long-winded and uninteresting.  It felt to me that you just cranked it before your favorite show came on television.


Phil

Thanks for the read Phil. I actually did some research before writing this script, which is weird for me. :D I wanted to make it as interesting as possible... but maybe if someone already knows most of the facts the narrator tells, then maybe the script is boring to them. I'm not saying you knew everything the narrator said Phil, I was just saying it's possible when others read it.

Thanks for the read anyway Phil. Sorry you didn't like this one.

Jamie

It wasn't the case that I knew everything.  It was more along the lines that the Narrator didn't know if he was supposed to be funny or not.  It was like you were trying to do Douglas Adams.


Phil

Yeah, I suppose you're right with the narrator. Some parts the narrator was funny, other times serious. It is supposed to be a little comedy combined with seriousness but I guess I brought it out a little confusing.

Oh, and who's Douglas Adams? :)

Who's Douglas Adams?  Did someone hit you on the head with a hammer and you have amnesia?

Douglas Adams wrote Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy among other books.  He combined drama and comedy very well, making you think how absurd everything is.


Phil

I should have known... whoops. I based the narrator and the kinds of weirdness in my Meaningful Short stories on The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and Douglas Adams writing I guess. I thought I recognised the name...

:B

Ok, not a bad idea for a sci-fi short. As the narrator says, the point of this story is to "confuse or question your belief system..." to make you wonder if "the universe out there has more questions than the entire population of Earth thus all will never be answered..." that "our solar system, are just another bright star in the sky for someone or something else to gaze upon."

Who wouldn't enjoy a script which leaves you with all those questions? The problem lies not within the concept but on its execution, IMO.

You didn't dramatize your concept. You didn't create interesting characters and put them in dramatic (and interesting) situations involving alien life, in order to make the audience think about the questions I quoted in the first paragraph. Jeff and his girl finding the meteor could work as a start, but you need more than that.

Instead, it's the narrator who spills the point of the story "undramatized", and the narration plays over some random scenes which lack dramatic content.

Imagine a narrator telling us that "the point of this story is to make us doubt about the world that surrounds us. What if it's all a fake?" Sounds cool. But it's much more interesting to watch Neo wake up inside that nasty pod, and watch him realize how hundreds of humans are held as slaves in those machine controlled fields.

Try to dramatize this idea. Avoid narrators that tell the audience what they should feel or think. Create characters to feel those emotions, to make those conclusions, and make sure the audience identifies with them.

Hope this helps.

Wonderful story, well told and deep as usual. I think you're improvising your talent, script after script.

I really love the atmosphere and the formatting is perfect.

However, a little something is missing, but I can't put the finger on it. It happens just after the seconde hill top sequence;

Good job Jaime

Michel 8)

Thank you for reading Mr.Z and Michel.

First of all, thanks for the words Michel, I really appreciate what you said. I too think there is something missing and I think it might be what Mr.Z has just brought to my attention.

Mr.Z, you are right:

Quoted from Mr.Z Try to dramatize this idea. Avoid narrators that tell the audience what they should feel or think. Create characters to feel those emotions, to make those conclusions, and make sure the audience identifies with them

As you said, I need to dramatize it. The above quote is exactly what I need in each story I have created for my shorts in this genre. Though, it is supposed to be a little comedy as well. Later on this year, I will think about these shorts and "complete" them.

Thanks again.  :)

Jamie

Quoted from michel I think you're improvising your talent, script after script.

Jaime, I meant "improving". Sorry

Michel 8)