A Whimsical Tale from The Life of the Unfortunate Francis Leary by T. J. Hundtofte - Short - A loyal employee has the worst day of his life when he struggles to come in to work on time, on his sick-day. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thanks for hosting this, my first short. In fact it's the first thing I've ever finished. I really wanted to have something done, since I have a nasty habit of leaving half-finished feature scripts lying around.

I was inspired by an opening of an Office episode, but that's as far as my plagiarism goes...

Oh and any feedback would be much appreciated!

SPOILERS!

Hey. Here's my end of the bargain, Mr. Death Monkey. I enjoyed the story. This is a few rare ones that I laugh at while reading. poor guy.  All those terrible things happening to him. I think you should make this a short and comedy genre.

I had a slight problem understand the grocery store scene when he leaves a ten dollar bill on the counter and then leaves. Would they not notice the money on the counter already? I know he was screaming it while he was running away but...?

What was going on in that scene with the mustache guy on the train payphone? Lol. I would really like to know. How did he arrive to that conclusion of robbing the protagonist?

All in all, a very funny story. I liked it. Oh, I am the same way with writing. I sometimes leave it unfinished for a long time. Congrats on completing one and hope more are too come.

Gabriel.

  

Thanks for the review, Gabriel.

You bring up a few points that I was wondering whether came through clear enough, especially the scene in the 7-Eleven. What I wanted to convey was that he's back in the line, and leaves the bill on a display case too far away from the register and Clerk. He leaves it there because he doesn't have time to wait in line, and really only does so, because he doesn't want to steal. He's too conscientious.

The moustache guy was based on an anecdote a guy once told me, where a man was so annoyed by someone that decided to rob him. I just thought it'd be fun to have this guy who's all up in arms and self-rightious, frivolously decide to rob him.

Amusing and well done story, Jacob. I love this type of characters. I hope you to continue with your features and of course with your short stories.

This was a pretty enjoyable script.  I usually get a kick out of the bad things continually happening to people type scripts, and this one was no different.  Just a really bad day for an unfortunate soul.

I do think, however, that this could have been extended just a little bit more.  Anybody who knows anything about candy knows that a Zagnut is peanut butter and coconut, and doesn't contain a lick of chocolate, which is really what Francis is craving.  Maybe have him go off on a rant explaining this.  Could be funny.

Anyway, a good read.  Nice work.

Helio---> Thanks for the read, much apppreciated!

Oh, by the way I've noticed you address me Jacob twice now, and I've wondered where you got that from? My middle name is indeed Jacob, I'm not sure I listed that anywhere? I don't mind at all, I'm just curious!

Mike---> I actually had Francis snicker manically and tell the clerk he was allergic to nuts in an earlier draft, but I really wanted to cut off with just this one punchline by the frightened cashier. I usually have a problem of dragging a joke on for too long, so this really took self-restraint!

Thanks for your thoughts!

hi there. this was good but he didnt have that bad a day. I have days like that all the time. maybe exagerrate it a bit.

well done tho

Death Monkey,

This is an entertaining tale. That said, I enjoyed it. As for the 7-11 scene (I know another commented on it) -- It might work better if when Francis sets the ten down, another, less than honest patron, surreptitiously picked it up.

As for the ending, I thought it came a page late. By that, I mean, it could've ended with Francis' boss telling him the reason he needed him to be there -- to find the staplers. I'm terrible with endings, though, so take my comments with a grain of salt.

Seth    

Wow, thanks for digging this one out, Seth. This was the first thing I ever wrote (there are huge intervals between my output) and was very much a an exercise in getting a story done (at the time I had begun work on 5-6 features).

Looking back I think there are stuff that could've been cut, and other things should be better explained, like you mentioned with the 7-11 scene. But I had fun writing it, just going with the flow, seeing where I'd end up.

I did think about cutting off with the boss, but I just really wanted Francis to let off some steam, get his aggressions out, and thought it'd be fun if he'd project it to a completely innocent clerk because of a trivial thing like a candy bar.

Anyways, thanks for reading. This is an odd revisiting for me. :)

By the way, I'll be sure to check you claymation story out when I get a chance, which probably won't be until wednesday though.