Phone&Jack by Gabriel Moronta (mr. ripley) - Short, Horror - A nightmare surrounding a phone.  6 pages - doc, format 8)

This is an odd short you have sent in. I didn't really understand at was going on until the host started explaining (though I'm sure that is everyone elses' though), and things got more interesting. But my question is, was the whole phone and family of four just the teenager's dream?

Maybe you can go into a little bit more depth and explain what happened at the end, though I did kind of predict something about the phone at the end and when the mom was going to pick it up, but I still liked the ending.

Sean

Thank you, Sean.

"I didn't really understand at was going on until the host started explaining (though I'm sure that is everyone elses' though), and things got more interesting."

Can you explain this part? I'm a bit confused. Other than that, the phone and four people are the dream. Glad you liked the short, espeically the ending.

Gabriel

Quoted from Mr.Ripley "I didn't really understand at was going on until the host started explaining (though I'm sure that is everyone elses' though), and things got more interesting." Can you explain this part? I'm a bit confused.

It's nothing, I figured it out (sorry I get stupid(er) when nighttime rolls around.) So it's nothing to worry about.

Thank you for reading my comment.  :P

Sean

No problem, I totally understand. Thanks for reading my short.

Gabriel

SPOILER SPACE



I had two problems with this script.

The first is that I don't understand what happened in it.  I was look forward to an explanation or a payoff and I didn't get either of them.

The second is that this is very wordy.  If you tightened the script up, you could probably eliminate a page from it.  Your opening sequence reads:

INT. LAVISH HOTEL - HALLWAY – DAY

A small crowd of five people walk; one leads the pack, while the other four follow.

Leading the pack is a male dressed in a fine stylish suit. With jelled hair combed to the back, this man walks dignified; his referred simply as the HOST.  

The other four walk in pairs: a MOTHER and her SON, and a FATHER and his SON.      

The mother (mid thirties) wears a regular professional skirt. Her white blouse is opened at the collar.

Her son (age 6) wears a dress shirt and dress pants.

The father (mid thirties) and his son (age 6) both wear polo shirts and dress pants.


A little bit of rewriting leaves you with:

INT. LAVISH HOTEL - HALLWAY – DAY

The HOST, walks down the hall, wearing a very expensive suit and slicked back hair.

Behind him, a WOMAN (35) in business attire leads her well dressed SON by the hand.

Behind them, a casually dressed MAN (35), leads his casually dressed SON.

I just cut your opening in half.  The entire script could be tightened up like this.

Back to the story...

I just didn't get it.  I don't know what people heard on the phone and I don't understand why the teenager screamed from his dream.  And I don't understand the significance of the phone call at the very end.


Phil

Spoilers

Thanks Phil for reading it and reviewing it.

I see what you mean about tightening up. I'll see what I can do. I tend to write narratively so it becomes a bit wordy.

"I don't know what people heard on the phone and I don't understand why the teenager screamed from his dream.  And I don't understand the significance of the phone call at the very end."

The Mother heard a high pitch noise. I believe that I put into the script it's similar to when one scratches on the blackboard. People crinch against it so I used it for her. Especially since she is a mother with a small child, I found it click right with her. Mothers are very alertive by a child's noise so I used it as her means to die.

Referencing back to the mother,  children enjoy making noise so I took that away from him.  

The Teenager screams from his nightmare because he imagned himself as the mute Son in the dream.  

The phone call at the end was what I thought would be an extra scare factor to make it appear as if it was going to really happen.

I hope I helped leviate your confusion. Thanks again for reading it.

Gabriel

This a very peculiar script. I had to read it three times but I still don't get it.

I think your script has to be rewriten. Try to remain simple (i.e. I was confused about the father and the mother. Are they related? Are the two children theirs?)

And avoid (IMHO) ending with a nightmare. It is too simple or too cliché.

You have there a very original subject. Don't spoil it.

Michel 8)

Hey Gabriel, even though I truly didn't get what the hell was going on in this piece, I still really enjoyed it. It was freaky at first... obviously choosing to head right into this weird situation with the Host and four people... and the phone.

SPOILERS

I think the Host should explain what you've said in your earlier post about what the phone actually does to different people... 'cause I doubt anyone's gonna guess what you actually intended each thing to mean.

It sounds like an interesting and unique story that should be told with a little more explanation (but not too much because I think it should have a little mystery to it as well) and the story should at least not deserve, as Michel said, the very cliché 'waking up from a nightmare' ending.

There are a couple grammatical errors in it... there was one in the Host's dialogue I think. You should spot them if you read or rewrite it (which I hope you do, there's potential here I think). And the script, as Phil said above, needs a little tightening. There were a lot of wasted lines in there.

Good job though. Hope you can do a rewrite soon. I'll be sure to give it a read immediately.

Jamie :)

Thanks Michel and Parkster for your reviews.

I am planning to rewrite this piece but just not right now due to school.


"I was confused about the father and the mother. Are they related? Are the two children theirs?"

The father and mother are not related. Though, the children are theirs - one child for the mother and one for the father.

"And avoid (IMHO) ending with a nightmare. It is too simple or too cliché."

I understand. I'll see if I can fix it. What does IMHO mean?

"I think the Host should explain what you've said in your earlier post about what the phone actually does to different people... 'cause I doubt anyone's gonna guess what you actually intended each thing to mean."

I'll consider it. I really don't want to give it all way. I want people to make their own interpretations.

The tightening of the script I totally agree a hundred percent.

Thanks guys for the read and reviews.
Gabriel

Well, like the others I didn't get it, but I am also not that bright so I wouldn't be surprised if this just flew waaay over my head like a David Lynch film, I don't really get those either(except for the Straight story)

I had no clue what was going on, but on the plus, this wasn't boring, which IMO is the most important thing in a story, so I'll give you that.

Anyways it was an interesting short, but I do feel it needs to be a little more clear what is going on.

Keep up the writing :)

Quoted from Mr.Ripley What does IMHO mean?

It means In My Honest Opinion. There are other variations to it too like In My Opinion (IMO). That's what it means to me anyway... I can't see it being much different.

Hope the rewrite goes well once you get to it.  :D

[Edit:  Actually, "In my humble opinion" is the more conventional understanding.  Bert]

This was a bit weird. it reminded me of some asian horror movie i've seen. I understand that the beginning was a dream but the call at the end tells you that it's all really happening. this is fine but its all so random. why is this all tied in with the teenager anyway? did something happen with the teenager and mother before? maybe you could clarify.


8)-shawn

Sorry for the long absence but school is closely over - finally. Thanks guys for your reviews.

theboywhocouldfly

Many people have been commenting on that aspect of the script. it does not mean that your not bright.  I've decided on not rewriteing this peice but rather input it into another script that my friend and i have been working on for closely a year now.

Parkster
That's for your encouraging words and explaing IMO.

Shawnjkr
Thanks for your input. Read what I wrote to the theboywhocouldfly. I'm making this a scene in a larger script rather than rewriting it.

Thanks guys again.
Gabriel

This story is confounding.  Like your first draft of “Closed In”, your ideas are not yet on the paper here, Gabe -- and you are gonna need another draft if you want people to understand this one.

I glanced at Phil’s notes and will not repeat them.  But I would suggest you read them again carefully.  He is giving you good advice there about tightening up your writing style.  Don’t lose your own voice, of course, but if you can say the same thing with less words, then probably 97% of the time you should go with the shorter option.

I’m going to have to say that I found having two characters referred to as “son” to be quite confusing.  Is there any reason these cannot all be members of the same family?  Or that one cannot be a daughter?  And when we first enter the phone chamber, it is a “rotary dial”, not a turning dial.

When the Host finally speaks, if you are going to end his first piece of dialogue with an ellipse, it is fine to begin his next piece of dialogue with an ellipse, like so:  “…you are all so eagerly examining…”  But it is redundant to have him say “whole entire lifetime.”  Choose one word or the other, but not both.

Quoted from You The father and mother are not related. Though, the children are theirs - one child for the mother and one for the father.

Now, I am not getting the need for this part at all -- I understand it -- but why?  And the whole “son” bit gets particularly confusing when the mother dies and the father grabs the mother’s son and says, “come on, son”, leaving the father’s son all alone.

Just typing that last sentence gives me a headache, but the larger problem is that the audience will now assume that everyone is related.  They haven’t read the script or the notes I’ve quoted above, so how would they know?  And why does it even matter?  Why does he call him son?  This is the kind of stuff you will need to address in your next draft.

For the end, I think you are probably on the right track.  I get what you are going for with the phone at the end, but I do not think it is quite strong enough as a payoff with just silence on the line.  You should either fade out before she answers the phone, or have her hear something -- my choice would be her son’s voice -- saying something like, “Mom…are you there?”

But you’ll need to decide what works best.  I’m just saying that I don’t think silence is it.  I’ll be curious to see what you do with this on rewrite.  Have you considered having the Host not speak at all?  Just another thought.  This one was interesting enough, but it’s not done cooking just yet.

Hey, Bert. Thanks for the review. I decided on not rewriting this piece but rather inputing it into another larger work. I understand Phil's point about reducing wordiness; that is something on my mind now when I start writing a script. I'm glad that you found it interesting though as my Closed In script. I'm quite busy at the moment with redrafting A Night To Remember since it did suffer from most of these remarks. But rest assure that my redraft of A Night To Remember script will hopefully show my improvements. Thanks again.

Gabriel  

This is the letter I received this morning which will tell you guys everything:

"Gabriel:

I am e-mailing you to let you know that I am interested in turning your script for "Phone&Jack" into a short film.  I am a 14 year old film maker and I live in a small town in Kansas near Wichita.  I have taken film classes and plan to attend New York University Film School just to let you know I'm not just pulling out a bad video camera and filming.  If this hasn't already been turned into a short film I would love to do it.  I won't be able to write you back if you reply to this until the 29th because I am leaving town.  Please write back.

Jack Boyer"

Now, honestly speaking, I am truly surprised in getting this especially because of the reviews. I have not worked on this script for the longest time. I was planning to insert this script as a scene in one of my longer films.  But I want to ask for your guys opinions since most of you have good judgement in this field than I.

For some past information, I was working on another script previously before with another guy but he just stop contacting me. Nevertheless, I only helped him get an idea and not an entire script done. So, I want to ask your for opinion on this since I'm just stunned?

The script can be found here:http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/PhonenJACK.doc (I hope this link is correct. if not let me know).

the discussion board link is here: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1160618213/

Gabe

Everybody gets these all the time, Gabe.

Just tell him to give you "written by" credit, and don't expect any cash.  A DVD of the finished product would be nice.

I have a standard response that I send.  The sad truth is that most often, you will never hear from them again haha.

[EDIT:  It occurs to me later that I should point out this advice is for SHORTS only.  Features are another story.]

Don't expect any money from this as shorts very rarely make money.  It's more of a digital business card should you want to meet others.

Go with the credit and copy, as Bert says.  You don't have to give your rights away to the script.


Phil

Thanks Bert and Phil for your advice. I was going to by those means. I just wanted to confirm thats all. I'm not sure who moved it(but I assume it was prob. Bert) but still I will like to appologize to whoever it was for putting it on the other place. I'm still learning about how things are run in this site and this mistake would not happen again.

To Pia I would like to be your friend and possibly like to direct one of your shorts. :)

Thanks again,

Gabe