M.I.L.K: Monsters In Little Kids by A Member - Short, Horror - Milk. A vital part in our lives. But one day, something goes wrong, and inside every carton of milk is occupied by a tiny monster that transforms into a Hellish demon when inside the human body. 17 pages     A October '06 One Week Challenge entry - pdf, format 8)

First of all it in the first glance seemed to me like Alien, the movie, second it became suitable to Japonese's taste movie and third why does it stoped without us to know how to stop those creatures?

Anyway very descriptive (lot of), sometimes the paragraphs were so thick, but I understand because it had lot of action scenes...Oh well written piece and with mature screenwriting!

This was a good short, although it exceeded the limit of pages for the excersise. Great format, as opposed to several others I've seen thus far.  

But I didn't like how it ended in an "apocalypse". If you're gonna do that, then at least give us a solid, conclusive ending, not a mere cliffhanger. Actually, I felt it wasn't even a cliffhanger! The story just...stopped all of a sudden.

It had been a great script...up until the end. Still, it kept me reading and wasn't one of those "milkman" shorts at least :p      

I think you write fairly well, but there was just way too much descriptions and text in general. Even the dialogue sometimes was too long.

Format wise it was good, even the story was okay for what it was, a monster movie. There was a lot of blood and high body count. I'm suspecting someone young wrote this. If I were you I would probably tighten this up by having fewer characters, fewer people killed and even fewer creatures and instead work on suspense and character. It was a little too much of everything

You write well enough though, you just need to sharpen your writing a little.

Pia
:-)

Another school massacre one, I wonder cause of all the school shootings as of late that this may have sunk into the subconscience of some people.

Anyways this was a pretty decent gorefest, the theme was used well and it was horor, maybe more horror/sci fi, but still fit well.

I think this goes on a little too long, for a while it's just monsters killing people, it got old after a while, maybe if the monsters killed people in a lot of different ways it would have worked better.

This did have some good gore and that's always a plus ;D

Peter's entrence should be capitalized on page 8

I liked the ending, that was pretty cool

Good work :)

Gorefest doesn't even begin to describe this.  That was really something else.

Aside from asking you to give this a good lookover for grammar errors, I'll add the following comments:

Page 9, sarcasm just for the sake of sarcasm from Jackie.  Doesn't do much to advance the plot.

Page 16, not sure how Peter can reference news reports if he's in a pitch black building.  Can there possibly be any news reports if the city is full of crazy-ass monsters?

I feel like there's no payoff here.  I know you're bordering on it not being a short anymore, but something has to happen.  The protagonist rarely goes into hiding at the end of a movie.  Perhaps a traumatic love ending with Peter and Sarah, but if this is to happen, I think the other characters must be killed off a little more gradually.

This has the makings of something more than just a short.

Gore after gore, then abrupt ending with no resolution. Not my type of story.

Pia is right. There is so much action that it, at times, blurs togther, leaving the reader, this one anyway, drifting. That said, more isn't always better -- the fewer the number of kills, the more impact each kill will have.

Although the piece was, imo, over-written, many of the discriptives were stomach turning. This, of course, is a plus in terms of gore.

Seth

  

Nice one Sean.  I didn't think you wrote this.  Good work :)

For all those who said my ending was kind of, "bleh" I realized I reached past the 15 page point, and I didn't know how else to end it, so I left it open for a single I plan on trying to write later this year.

But thanks for the comments everyone.

Sean

Wow, this one was messy. Blood all over the freakin' place. The concept was clever as well with milk being the catalyst to create these things. Like another one, this one feels like a prelude to something else. Possibly a feature of some kind. That's a lot to happen in act one, but it is certainly action packed.

Complaint number one is Jackie's demise. Everyone else's worked. But this one just doesn't make sense. You're in a dangerous world and the idea is to hide from the monsters, but she stands half in-half out of a door? I don't buy it. And you were doing so well...

I like some of the monster characteristics, and the beastial characteristic of if you don't move, it can't see you (Jurassic Park was good to you, eh?) was rather good, and provided suspenseful moment.

I would have liked to get to know the characters more, but you over wrote the 15 pages anyway, and it feels like there's more to this story. If you write this one out to a larger scale, you can spend a little more time with the characters in the beginning before they are ripped apart.

Finally, the opening scene should be someone we meet later in the script. I thought it was probably Dylan since he is the first to react that we see. Simple name change would clear that right up, and your boy has no name, so might as well give him that one.

It's a good start, but one that needs a lot more. Right now it is very incomplete and needs a lot of filling out. Milk is an innocent substance and to actually finish out this one as a feature gives it a unique edge, gory monsters notwithstanding.