INT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS BOARDS -

ALL of the SIMPLYSCRIPTSERS mingle.

ALAN enters, carrying a big case of doughnuts, which he sets on a table beside soft-drinks, cakes, chocolates, mints, sandwiches, and various coffee selections.

ALAN
Free doughuts!

CINDY eyeballs the bag. She sets her cup of coffee down on the table.

CINDY
Got any toasted coconut?

ALAN
Sure...

He reaches into the bag and pulls out a toasted coconut doughnut for her.

Cindy stretches across the table for the doughnut and tips her coffee out all over the table.

CINDY
Damn...

What's up?

CINDY
What's up?

ALAN
Glad you asked.  Okay, I've got an announcement to make.  
Human emotion, and context and intention, are easily
misinterpreted online, and are better communicated by
inflections, silences, and body language, than by any
electronic means. Truth is more visible when we can actually
see, feel, hear, and reach out and touch, each-other in-person.
Dispite any disagreements or ill-feelings members of these
boards may, or may not, have communicated online -- either
accidentally or on purpose -- we really do respect each-other on
important and profound HUMAN levels -- levels which the internet
cannot communicate, and actually makes us forget about.  Now
eat dougnuts.

GREG, governor of California and ridiculously intelligent, grabs the box of doughnuts and walks away.

GREG
So long, suckers!

TYLER enters in a swirl of golden righteousness.

                   TYLER
            Halt!

Greg continues to run away.

                   TYLER
            I'm not sure why I thought
            that would work.

I'm not fond of this script.  Some of the dialogue sounds artificial and forced.


Phil

INT. NEWSROOM - NIGHT

The anchorman from Kentucky Fried Movie sits behind a desk.

ANCHORMAN
The doughnuts you are eating have been pissed on.  Film at eleven.

In a cloud of swirling smoke, the table breaks in half. Its pieces fly to either side of the room. Alan, Cindy, and Tyler duck to avoid being impaled. Phil, being a spirit and not truly in the room except in thought, fails to dodge several pieces but they fly through his ethereal form.

As the smoke clears, George walks from amidst the broken table. He walks to Alan who cowers on the floor amidst pages of a script that fell out of a mysterious never-before-mentioned backpack covered in red marks and scribbled lettering.

George leans down to Alan.

                 GEORGE
      Do you have any bismarks?

With a shaking hand, Alan points to the door that Greg escaped from. George nods.

He walks to the center of the smoking room, and in another cloud of smoke, disappears.

                 PHIL
       This script continues to stretch the limits
       of believability and should really be
       stopped. I'm reporting this to Don.

Be quiet, Phil.

                  PHIL
        Make me.

From the center of the room, an electric stream of energy flies directly at Phil. He has no time to respond and is trapped in the stream.

George steps from nowhere in the center of the room again, this time with an official Ghostbusters ghost containment stream backpack on. He tosses a ghost container box across the floor which stops directly under Phil.

                   PHIL
         You can't do this to me. I've

PHIL
You can't do this to me.  I've ... I can offer
you a good deal on car insurance.  Geiko!  

George is momentarily confused as the bottom half of his post was completely cut off never to be read in its full form, as the whole thing was intended as a joke.

George stares at Phil for a moment, a confused look on his face.

He pulls out a small remote and presses rewind. The room spins until-

From the center of the room, an electric stream of energy flies directly at Phil. He has no time to respond and is trapped in the stream.

George steps from nowhere in the center of the room again, this time with an official Ghostbusters ghost containment stream backpack on. He tosses a ghost container box across the floor which stops directly under Phil.

                   PHIL
         You can't do this to me. I've
         been produced.

                   GEORGE
         You've been canned.

George presses the pedal attached to the box and the box opens, sending a bright light into the room. Phil is sucked into the box which closes of its own accord.

The room is silent. Everyone else stands up.

                    ALAN
          Wow, that was almost as exciting
          as my latest rewrite of Banana Chan!

                   GEORGE
          One more shameless plug out of you
          and you're next.

                   ALAN
          But it-

George holds up a finger to shush Alan. George taps the side of his nose and disappears.

INT. NEWSROOM - NIGHT

The Anchorman taps his ear.

                   ANCHORMAN
         This just in. The plot continues its
         downward spiral and authorities
         believe it is only a matter of time
         before someone pulls the plug on-

The picture flashes and is reduced to a white dot in the center of a black screen.

INT/EXT. BLACKNESS - DAY/NIGHT

          APE (OS)
   Where's existence at?

INT.  SIMPLYSCRIPTS BOARDS.

Alan stands in the middle of the room.  The lights shut off with a loud--

CLICK

Alan looks around, slightly confused.

A single overhead light turns on--

CLICK

revealing a plush leather chair and an analyst's couch.

      MEREDITH (O.S.)
Are we ready to begin, Alan?

A door opens.  Light from outside floods the room.  The silouhette of a short stocky figure stands in the doorway.  He enters.

DOCTOR MEREDITH, a three foot tall emperor penguin, walks past Alan.  He wears a tweed jacket and carries a clip board.  He climbs onto the leather chair.

      MEREDITH
Are you ready to begin?

Another light turns on--

CLICK

revealing an enormously-long table.  Its end cannot be seen.  Lined up on the table are thousands of boxes of donuts, of every color and flavor imaginable.

      MEREDITH
Grab yourself a donut and we can start.

Alan steps up the table.

Each box of donuts has a name on it:  HELIO, CINDY, PIA, GEORGE, BERT, PHIL, MARY, MIKE, PEPI, BALT...

Alan takes one from a box with his name on it, a vanilla frosted donut with chocolate sprinkles.  He lies on the couch and bites into the donut.

      MEREDITH
Vanilla frosted with chocolate sprinkles again?

      ALAN
Uh-huh....

      MEREDITH
There's literally thousands of different donuts on that
table.  Why do you always choose your own?

      ALAN
I like mine.  Everyone should eat mine.

Meredith scribbles on his clipboard.

      MEREDITH
It doesn't get boring eating the same donut all the
time?

Alan squirms a little.

      ALAN
They're not the same.  The sprinkles are a little
different on each donut.  They're not in the same
spots each time.

      MEREDITH
And that makes the donuts different?

      ALAN
Uh-huh....

Alan finishes his donut.

      MEREDITH
I don't see how.

      ALAN
It does.

He looks over at the table.  Meredith sees him looking.

      MEREDITH
Would you like another donut?

Alan nods.

      MEREDITH
You can have one...

Alan walks over to the table.

      MEREDITH
But it has to be someone else's donut.

Alan stops in his tracks.  He looks at Meredith with bulging eyes.  Meredith takes off his glasses and breathes on them.  He cleans them with a small rag.

Alan turns to the table.  He takes one from a box labelled WESLEY.

Alan forces himself to take a small bite.  He throws the uneaten part on the floor and spits the rest back in WESLEY'S box.

He turns to Meredith.

      ALAN
Can I have one of mine?

      MEREDITH
No.  Lie down.

Alan returns to the couch.

      MEREDITH
Why did you spit the donut out?

      ALAN
Because I didn't like it.  I knew I wouldn't.

Meredith leans forward, toward Alan.

      MEREDITH
If you knew you weren't going to like it, then why did
you take a bite out of it?

      ALAN
Well, now Wesley has to eat one of my donuts.

      MEREDITH
I see....

INT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS BOARDS

Rummaging from under the enormously-long table is heard. Meredith and Alan look toward it.

PARKSTER suddenly crawls from underneath and stands to his feet. He looks exhausted gazing toward Meredith and Alan.

      PARKSTER
Morning guys... what's for
breakfast?

INT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS - HALLWAY

Cindy stands at a door wearing a bellboy jacket and funny looking hat. She looks into the frame and raises her finger to her lips.

CINDY
Shhh...

She KNOCKS on the door.


INT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS BOARDS

Dr. Meredith turns toward the door.

MEREDITH
Yes...

CINDY (O.S.)
Candy gram for Meredith.


INT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS - HALLWAY

Cindy raises a package in front of her.

CINDY
Candy gram for Meredit.


INT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS - BOARDS

Meredith looks at Alan.

MEREDITH
Candy gram?

Meredith rises from his chair.


INT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS - HALLWAY

Cindy stands looking at the door.

CINDY
Candy gram for Meredith.
Candy gram for Meredith.

The door opens. Meredith stands inside the room.

MEREDITH
I'm Meredith.

Cindy hands him the box.

INT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS BOARDS

Alan sits up on the sofa and eyes Cindy in the doorway. She makes wide-eyed looks at him. He looks at her as if she were crazy. She motions toward the doorway. He looks at the table of doughnuts. Parkster jams a doughnut into his mouth.

PARKSTER
Uumm... jelly...

Meredith walks to his chair and sits down with the package.

Cindy inches toward the table of doughnuts, as nonchalant as she can.

Alan studies her, knowing something is up, but not knowing what.

Meredith opens the box and finds a cantalope inside.

MEREDITH
This isn't candy.
It's a... A...

CINDY
A cantalope!

ALAN
Oh, God, no!

Alan ducks.

Cindy scoops up all the boxes of doughnuts into her arms.

CINDY
Run!

Alan, Parkster, and Cindy run for the door.

The cantalope explodes and sends chunks of it's fruit all over the room.


INT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS - HALLWAY

Alan and Parkster quit running and turn toward Cindy.

ALAN
What did you do that for?

CINDY
He was a head shrinker.
Thank God I made it to
you in time.

Cindy grabs ahold of Alan's head and looks at his scalp carefully. Alan pushes her away.

ALAN
What are you doing?

CINDY
Did he dust you?

ALAN
What!?

CINDY
Like in Beetlejuice...
Did he dust you?

ALAN
We we just talking!

Cindy's eyes widen, and her jaw drops.

Alan turns. He shakes his head as he goes back to the boards, and steps inside.

Parkster takes the boxes of doughnuts from Cindy, and follows behind Alan.

Cindy follows Parkster, then peeks into the room.

Meredith sits in his chair covered in cantalope guts.

CINDY
Sorry...

Meredith gets up from his chair and runs toward the door. He lifts his ink pen over his shoulder like a dagger.

Cindy bolts from the doorway.

She SCREAMS O.S.  

Do you know what's really scary, Cindy?  I mean really scary?

I'm preparing to bottle a batch of cantelope mead tonight.

Scary....



Phil

Meredith presses the ink release on the pen and a large erupts from the tip. Cindy is engulfed in the ever increasing net.

Meredith sticks the end of the pen in the meat of a cantalope. It enters with a squish. Cindy, Parkster, and Alan flinch.

                ALAN
      That's harsh.

                MEREDITH
      Now...

Meredith points around them. Chairs appear. Bert, Wesley, Pepi, and George appear in them.

George is still holding the ghost containment box with Phil. Wesley is naked and dripping wet, attempting to hide his shame. Bert looks around confused, his hands frozen in a typing-at-the-keyboard position. Pepi has an enormous grin on his face and just looks around.

                GEORGE
        Hey, um... I was about to make an
        important deposit...

George holds up the ghost box.

                 MEREDITH
         That's the trouble with writers. They
         always think what they're doing is more
         important than anyone else.

                  WESLEY
         Mind if I get dressed? This is kind of
         stupid, and yes, what I was doing was
         more important.

                   BERT
         I have a lot to finish, and don't really have
         time for this either.

                  PEPI
         Is wanting the this place to be in the
         screen. Not is it belonging in the world
         me kity and me live out of.

Meredith waves her hands. Parkster and Alan also fall into chairs. George, Wesley, Pepi, and Bert all whip back into their chairs, trapped.

                   MEREDITH
          Now that I have your attention...

INT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS BOARDS – DAY

The red brick wall behind ALAN shudders as it’s hit with a heavy thud. Specks of concrete from the wall become loose.

Alan turns to the wall.

Another heavy thud hits the wall and Alan begins to back away. The concrete and bricks from the wall begin to crack.

Everyone around the room stares at the wall awaiting the next thud.

The wall explodes, sending airborne bricks flying in all directions. GEORGE cops one in the head and falls to the ground.

Dust in the room clears and STEVEN SEAGAL walks through the new opening in the house. He wears a black DOJO, but not as black as his greased straight hair.

Alan stands meters away in awe to the current events.

               STEVEN
          What are you staring at?

Alan opens his mouth to say something but comes up empty and just continues to stare.

This angers Steven Seagal, so he walks up to Alan and in one quick movement he breaks Alan’s neck.

               PEPE
          What f*** the?

               STEVEN
          Look out for my next movie, Underseige 3,
It’s on a tugboat.

DOOR KNOB

The doorknob turns and the clicking of the mechanism within the door lock sounds.

The door slowly opens, a hand with countless streams of pulsing veins opens it. The hand lets go of the metal doorknob to reveal the hands indents.

The deep sound of grunts and breathing of APE puts the rooms crowd in a fearing stance.

The hairy elongated arms of Ape are as solid as tree trunks. His hair bottom lip sticks out just as much at his nomad like brow.

Ape grunts at Steven.

Steven squints at Ape.

               STEVEN
          Your dead.

Steven advances towards Ape.
          

Quoted from Alex J. Cooper …STEVEN SEAGAL walks through the new opening in the house. He wears a black DOJO,… The hairy…Ape...His hair bottom lip sticks out just as much at his nomad like brow.

Unfortunately Steven is unable to move since he’s wearing an entire building. So it appears that Ape has the advantage.

Unfortunately Ape is unable to find Steven because his nomadic brow keeps moving all over his face and blocking his view.

So the two titans are unable to fight as Ape wanders around swinging wildly and Steven keeps falling over trying to hold up a dojo.

GEORGE
Wow.

WESLEY
Wow.

ALAN
What's my line?  Oh yeah.  Wow.

INT.  OBSERVATION OVERLOOK - DAY

Through a two-way mirror in the gallery above, BREANNE, an EXTREMELY beautiful scientist (Hey, I can dream!), sits in the forefront of a group of BREANNITES and peers down at the melee. She drinks coca cola from a wine goblet and scoffs at the scene.

               BREANNE
          As is plainly demonstrated, my plan is working brilliantly. I have tricked
          the fools into turning on each other and soon they will destroy themselves
          from the inside to the out.

One servile flatterer, KEVAN, adjusts his glasses in profound thought.

               KEVAN
          Yes, my Queen. They could no more closely follow your plan than if you
          were controlling them as puppets. But what happens after we’ve
          destroyed the simply scripters?

A wicked glare sweeps across Breanne’s otherwise strikingly beautiful face (Hey, if you’re gonna dream, you may as well dream big!).

               BREANNE
          Then we will topple the administration itself.

A collective GASP resounds from the gallery.

               KEVAN
          You don’t mean?….

               BREANNE
          That’s right. We will bring down…The Holy Boose.

[Cue OMINOUS MUSIC - dun dun dunnnnn!]

Breanne strides from the room, nearly tripping and spilling her coke. She grumbles profanities as she exits.

After she’s gone, Kevan smirks.

               KEVAN
          And as soon as you take over, I’ll take over…

INT. SIMPLY SCRIPTS DISCUSSION BOARD-DAY

BO JANGLES enters the front door, sees a bag of empty doughnuts, and begins to cry.

BO JANGLES
I come back, and this is what I get? A friggin bag?!

INT. SIMPLY SCRIPTS DISCUSSION BOARD - NIGHT

Pia and Andy enter, GIGGLING like Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble.

Pia's eyes bug wide open. She leans over to Andy.

                              PIA
               WHOA! ...Who's the guy with the
               impressive looking Fountain pen?

                              ANDY
               Mmmm, delicious, YUM!

                              PIA
               I bet he's a really good writer.
              
                              ANDY
               I bet he knows all about format.

                              PIA
               Wow, he's weilding that pen like a master.

They both start drooling......

CUT TO:

INT. BOARD ROOM, JUPITER ANIMATED PRODUCTIONS, NEW YORK CITY - AFTERNOON

The C.E.O. of J.A.P. -- BRIAN NOLASTNAME -- sits at the head of this table.  

His executives, ANTON LACE, DARLA TWINS, CAP FLORENTINE, and CHERYL HENDRIX, sit around the table.

BRIAN
I sent Alan to give them the doughnuts.

ALL enters.

ANTON
Was Alan that guy ... ?

BRIAN
Yes.

ANTON
Oh.

CAP
But what if they don't all eat their doughnuts?

BRIAN
Then they won't all get their just desserts.

ALL
MWah hahahahahaha!  Mwah hahahqahah!

BRIAN
Thank you ALL.  You may leave now.

ALL exits.

CHERYL
You're an insane headcase, Brian.

BRIAN
Thanks.  Now -- as well all know -- the doughnuts are filled with ... well, we know what the doughnuts are filled with.  Let's just hope that they all eat their ... just desserts.

Awkward pause.

INT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS

BIGWHOOP enters, and looks around.

BIGWHOOP
I've been goney a wewile.

ALAN
Huh?

BIGWHOOP
ive beensfv fone a hile.

ALAN
Uh huh....

INT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS DISCUSSION BOARD

George turns his head, looking off to an impossible distance. He disappears. Wes and Bert turn their heads from th Ape/Seagal blundering to George's now empty chair.

                 WES
         So, um, how's he do that?

                 BERT
          I don't know. But this scene
          sucks.

                 PEPI
          I am the scene is liking of mine.

                 BERT
          Shut up.

INT. BOARD ROOM, JUPITER ANIMATED PRODUCTIONS, NEW YORK CITY - AFTERNOON

George appears.

The C.E.O. of J.A.P. -- BRIAN NOLASTNAME -- along with his executives, ANTON LACE, DARLA TWINS, CAP FLORENTINE, and CHERYL HENDRIX, turn to stare at the newcomer.

INT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS DISCUSSION BOARD

Bert looks up as if he has heard something.

                     BERT
            Stare at the what?

INT. BOARD ROOM, JUPITER ANIMATED PRODUCTIONS, NEW YORK CITY - AFTERNOON

Brian stands and walks to George.

                     BRIAN
            Who are you and what are you
            doing in this fantasy?                    

                     GEORGE
             Whatever I want to. You see, there
             are no rules, and this random scene
             feels like a shameless plug. And I
             don't deal kindly with shameless plugs.
             It must be stopped.

                     BRIAN
             You and what army?

A man in a long dark coat and gauntlets on his wrists and ankles steps into the room followed by a little girl with smouldering brown eyes.

                      BRIAN
               Shameless plug?

                      GEORGE
               I wasn't selfish with it.

Cheryl screams. A pencil is jammes through her hand into the table. Anton screas. The same thing has happened. The little girl, ANGEL, giggles.

                       BRIAN
                Get them!

The dark coated man, DAVID, draws a long, katana style sword and readies himself. Brian laughs. He draws a pistol and aims it at David.

                       GEORGE
                 Don't do it.

Brian fires a series of shots. David moves his sword at a blinding speed, blocking each bullet.

Darla takes on Angel. Angel draws two more sharpened pencils and holds them before her. Darla makes several swings at Angel, but she misses each time. Angel rams one pencil through the bottom of Darla's chin and into her brain, killing her.

Cap rushes George, who just stands there. He makes a mighty swing sure to do poor Mr. Willson in.

Brian, dumbfounded by David's speed, staggers back. David breaks his pose and makes a single swing, slicing off one of Brian's arms.

Cap's punch hits George's flesh...and passes right through. Cap loses his balance and crashes to the ground. He looks at George, dumbfounded. George scoffs.

                    GEORGE
          I'm the writer. Like I'm going to
          let myself get beat up.

With that, David's sword comes down and de"cap"itates cap. Brian, Cheryl, and Anton huddle in a corner, nursing their injuries. George, David, and Angel walks up them. They cower.

                    GEORGE
          Do we have an understanding?

The wall explodes inwards and in walks Ape brandishing a Pike with Steven Seagals severed head on top.

When he speaks his baritone like voice, sound itself vibrates in harmonic disruption.

         APE
  I to am i writer... i even have the power to place buildings
  on people. Ha ha ha ahh.
                     (beat)
  Don't believe me? Abra Kadabra....

Ape pulls a pad in one hand and a pen in the other. His hands are like huge boulders so it looks as if hes writing on a postit.

         APE
  There.

A tutu suddenly appears around Ape.

         APE
  Ahhhh! i didnt mean me.

He rips up the page.

The tutu disappears leaving nothing to cover Ape's body.

         APE
  Ahhhhhhh!

Ape finds himself a corner to curl up into the fetal position in.

Quoted from Alex J. Cooper ...sound itself vibrates in harmonic disruption.

INT. THREAD

Bert skitters over to the corner to whisper in Ape's ear.

               BERT
        Sound is a vibration, by
        its very nature.  And harmonic
        disruption is an oxymoron.

Bert hands Ape a dictionary.

               BERT
        Here ya' go, pal.

Bert skitters out.

But then he pokes his head back into the thread.

               BERT
        Carry on.

Now he's gone.

HELIO enters.

             HELIO
     Eugeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeene!

He exits again, slamming the door behind him.

Ape uses the dictionary to conceal himself.

          APE
   Man, Berts right, I am an ox of a moron.

INT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS DISCUSSION BOARD

Wes still sits naked in the chair he was tied up in a long time ago. His head is leaned back. The sound of a printer whirring catches his attention.

He turns his head to find Pepi at a computer, printing something.

                 WES
         How the hell did you get free?

                 PEPI
         Of the knowing of wordies, I am
         not written good like to see them
         so not in effect are they to mine.

                  WES
          What?

A final page ejects from the printer and Pepi picks up two fine pages and looks on them in awe.

                    PEPI
           Kity in likes to himself reads to the
           notting normal postings. I am now
           getting lines for litter box here.

Pepi walks away, happy as a lark. Wes leans back in the chair, frustrated.

                     WES
             You could at least show, not tell I'm
             frustrated.

Ok...

From out of no where, Steven Seagal's headless body thumps across the floor, knocking Wes's chair over. His face is now planted against the floor, butt in the air, still strapped to the chair on his back.

                        WES
               AAARRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!! Get...me...
               out...of...here!!!

Shown.

                         WES
                AAAHHHH!!!

Ape approaches Wes.

         APE
  I can't even define sound! How do
  you expect me to set you free!

Ape drags his feet as he walks away. His moaning cries are sorrowful.

         WES
  A naked crying Ape holding a dictionary
  over his crutch, what a sad sight.

         APE
  Don't look at me! Don't look at me!

      APE
  No wait. Look at me.

Ape snaps his fingers and almost instantly formal attire Apeears on his body. He snaps his fingers again and in a puff of smoke each and every character from the tale appear, also dressed in fancy clothing.

     APE
  I'm going to go ahead and assume
  that this story has come to an end,
  which kind of defies logic since it
  had no beginning or middle...
  Anywho, we would all like to finish
  with a song thats very close to all
  our hearts, or mine since I'm the
  one writing here.
  Maestro, if you would please!

A large orchestra ready their instruments. The maestro bows, taps his conducting stick on sheet musics pedestal and then begins to conduct the band. The orchestra version of "A Day in the Life" by The Beatles.

Some how the large group of characters dance in a perfectly chereographed manner. Even Steven Seagal's headless body manages.

                              THE END (Unless someone else chooses to write something)

INT. EMPTY ROOM

Wesley is still tied to the chair, naked with his butt in the air. He struggles.

                 WESLEY
        Hey! Get...me...out of here!

BLACK SCREEN

INT. NEWSROOM

NEWS ANCHOR
Shall we get him out of there?  
Or shall we dump live electric
eels onto him, and see what
happens?

BLACKNESS

except for a blue electrical current that flashes on and off with a BUZZIT! BUZZIT! BUZZIT! and SCREAMS...

A CLICK, and an overhead light comes on. It and reveals Cindy running her fingers overtop of a static ball lamp. The static inside the lamp reaches toward her fingers.

CINDY
Buzzit! Aaahhh! Buzzit! Aaahhh! Buzzit! Aaahhh!

She freezes, instinctlively looks up at the light... then slowly turns.

Her frustrated face fills the frame.

CINDY
Hey! You wern't supposed
to see that! -- Shoot!

A BANG from an O.S. gun.

Cindy doubles over, drops to the floor. Dead.

BLACK