On a Dark Street by Ben Fiore - Thriller - Two brothers are shattered when their attempt to cover up a fatal hit-and-run accident comes back to haunt them.  83 pages - doc, format 8)

You have a good thing going with a whole dark New York bowels thing going on and I like it.  I like the characters and I like the plot most of all.  A lot of your dialogue is almost too perfect, borderline cheezy.  We got the bad brother corrupting the innocent brother and the mom who's trying to save them.  All their lines fit perfectly into their zones and so we're not intrigued by any of them.  Jazz it up a little bit.  What wouldn't we expect?  How can you make this less like a movie and more like real life?

Thanks, Pal. Points well taken and appreciated.       BEN