The Entropy of Love by Michael Nelson (miken) - Short, Drama - At the end of his senior year of high school, Steven's crush, Skyler, rejected him when he needed her the most.  Now, years later, he still loves her but his own life is descending into chaos.  How much will one person put themselves through in order to find love?  For Steven, love knows no bounds and he is prepared to go to extreme lengths to win Skyler's affection.   17 pages - pdf, format 8)

Are you a member? If so, great. If not, I encourage you to comment on other scripts.

Moving on: I opened this because the title included the word "entropy." A trivial reason, I know. Still, it interested me.  Once opened, though, I noticed the word "heroin." I am big into junkie films -- so I couldn't resist.

Having given the piece a cursory look, I was encouraged by your writing style, which, imo, is perfect. If it sounds like I'm gushing, I am. You're a damn good writer!  

You do, though, include camera angles. While this gives the piece a kind of cinematic feel, one that I like -- it isn't, according to everything I've read, appropriate to a spect script. Given your talent, though, you shouldn't have any trouble removing 'em -- should you choose to remove them.

As for the story itself, having read it. I am disappointed. The biggest problem I had was with the reveal. There is no build up, no hints -- of course, maybe I'm junked-up myself  and missed it. In any case, it didn't seem to be there.

There were some other questionable elements, too. Why, for example would a junked-up, girl obsessed guy, bother to switch out the plates on a car that he's stolen?

In short, the writing is excellent, but the story isn't. In fact, I'd go so far as to say the story is boring. It's bland. You're obviously an intelligent person. That said, use your talents to create something unique -- something that isn't, in the end, boring.

Seth

Hey, thanks for taking the time to comment.  I haven't had a lot of time lately to be able to read a lot of other scripts and comment on them, but I have a lot of time over winter break, so I hope to comment on a lot of other people's writing on the board.

As for my script, thank you for reading it.  I agree, I didn't build up enough to the big reveal.  What would you suggest I could do with the story?  I posted the script up here when it's still pretty much in it's first draft, so I'd love to add to it and improve it.  The story came out of a little idea I had after reading the script for PI.  I guess I was inspired by Mr. Aranofsky.  Anyway....like I said, I'd love to improve the story and make this short film script as perfect as possible.  I'll work on removing the camera angles (which I felt I had kept to a minimum and only added when they were necessary).

Also, thanks for the compliments on my writing.  It really encourages me to work on more stuff.  I really want to improve in the story department.  I have to admit, I didn't work on the story as much as I wanted to for this script, but it doesn't mean that it can't improve.

Thanks!

This is a great introduction to your work. It was a slow read, but only because your descriptions are so vivid. You have a knack for writing. This is obviously a spec script, so some of the angles and "we's" turned me off the story a bit.



SPOILERS



Your not a subtle writer. This was really raw and, well, wouldn't pass for censors. The grittyness suited the script though and made it easier to delve into the reality of the story. I was about to say the same thing as Seth:

Quoted from Seth As for the story itself, having read it. I am disappointed. The biggest problem I had was with the reveal. There is no build up, no hints -- of course, maybe I'm junked-up myself  and missed it. In any case, it didn't seem to be there.

But then i noticed this "Something looks different about Steven, but we can’t put our
finger on what it is..."

I'm not quite sure its a good idea to keep a mystery in a script. IMO, you should of said that Steven looked slightly effeminate. I'm sure people wouldn't of picked it up straight away.

The story was good and executed fantastically. I enjoyed it and i'll be looking out for your next.

Thanks, Alex.  I know that it is a bit gritty and raw (I admit I was a little worried about it but decided that it was better to go all the way and cut back then cut back in the first place), but I thought it added to the story.

Anyway....thanks again for the comments.  I will work hard on getting a new draft out that will have a lot of improvements.

Quoted from miken Hey, thanks for taking the time to comment.  I haven't had a lot of time lately to be able to read a lot of other scripts and comment on them, but I have a lot of time over winter break, so I hope to comment on a lot of other people's writing on the board. As for my script, thank you for reading it.  I agree, I didn't build up enough to the big reveal.  What would you suggest I could do with the story?

Given that Steven's a heroin junkie, the reader, or viewer, will, no doubt, suspect that he has other addictions, too. Perhaps pills --  Xanax, Vicodin, whatever. You could show him "popping" a few, without revealing what they are. Then, at the appropriate time, when Steve speaks of the sacrifice he's made, he could comment on the hormone pills -- the one's we've been watching him pop.

Just an idea.        

Quoted from miken I posted the script up here when it's still pretty much in it's first draft, so I'd love to add to it and improve it.  The story came out of a little idea I had after reading the script for PI.  I guess I was inspired by Mr. Aranofsky.

Ever see Requiem For A Dream? I suspect you have, but if not, it's, imo, great!

Quoted from miken Anyway....like I said, I'd love to improve the story and make this short film script as perfect as possible.  I'll work on removing the camera angles (which I felt I had kept to a minimum and only added when they were necessary).

I'm not an expert in this area, or any area for the matter, but I'll take another look at 'em -- maybe they are necessary.

Quoted from miken Also, thanks for the compliments on my writing.  It really encourages me to work on more stuff.

I hope you do. You've got an obvious talent.

Quoted from miken I really want to improve in the story department.  I have to admit, I didn't work on the story as much as I wanted to for this script, but it doesn't mean that it can't improve. Thanks!

n/p

Seth

I haven't seen Requiem for a Dream, but I did read the script AFTER I wrote this.  It was a really good read and I hope to see the movie soon.

I like your idea of popping pills, and I think I'll add that into the next draft as well and see how it works. :)