McSlaughter by Tim Flegal (TiM the Zombie) - Short - The REAL truth behind McDonald's. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

When I saw your logline about the REAL truth, I assumed this story had something to do with the way the cows are treated prior to being turned into Big Macs, or some other PETA-inspired script.  Instead, I found myself reading a goofy horror script.

Not that I think they'll go after you but, if the McDonald's Corporation ever found this script, they could sue you for slander....maybe even Don for posting it.


Phil

maybe your a paranoid retard and you like putting inflagulous thoughts into the minds of writers.  Just because they thougt of something that you didnt think of, doesn't mean you have to debatcher them.

I thought it was clever.  However, I have to agree with the dog, you shouldn't use Mc Donald's - they could and will and have the power to give you grief over it. Make up a burger place.  Perhaps one in competition with McDs - maybe this is how they compete.

BTW It's duct tape - not duck tape

I don't know what I did to make you post your immature comments Joe, but there's no paranoia in my part.  Big corporations don't like their image sullied.  And this is not the type of story that I would write, so my original post was not out of jealousy.

Maybe you should grow up a bit before you embarrass yourself again.


Phil

I wouldn't worry too much about it, guys.  I think a little thing called freedom of speech has got him covered.  It's obviously a work of fantasy.

Quoted from Joe Allen Barniak ...inflagulous...debatcher...

Hey, Joe.  Do us all a favor and buy a dictionary before you go posting any more ridiculous crapola, OK?

And Tim:  How is anybody supposed to know this guy's name is Peter Welsh?  You should have him say his name when he answers the phone, and mention that his wife's name is "Barbara".

Otherwise, your little twist at the end would mean absolutely nothing to a viewer.

Quoted from bert I wouldn't worry too much about it, guys.  I think a little thing called freedom of speech has got him covered.  It's obviously a work of fantasy.

Do you think that freedom of speech would stop Mickey D's from giving Don problems.  They have their teams of lawyers.  Does Don?

And slander is not covered by freedom of speech.


Phil

Hey guys, I'm a new member here at simplyscripts.  I have never posted a script here before but I have read quite a few on this discussion board.  I'm a big time horror geek and the idea for this short came to me after watching Hostel for the billionth time.  I know its just a "goofy horror short", but to be honest, I had a fun time writing it.  I want to thank you all for taking the time to read such an "odd" script.

The logline was something I rushed.  I thought it would be funny to go into a script thinking your gonna read the next, "Supersize Me", but instead read this bloody mess.

I had a feeling using McDonald's was a bad idea.  I might do a rewrite and make up my own burger place, like mcornetto was saying.

Thanks for the "defense", joecaholic, but I completely understand what Phil is trying to say.

Thanks for the spelling tip, mcornetto.

Reading over it, your absolutely right Bert, there is no way of knowing he is Peter Welsh.  I was going to have him wearing a name tag from work in which he got "held up in".

I just have a few question.  How is the structure and everything?  Is the formatting alright?  Feedback would be very much appreciated.

Thanks again.

ttz

Quoted from dogglebe Do you think that freedom of speech would stop Mickey D's from giving Don problems.  They have their teams of lawyers.  Does Don? And slander is not covered by freedom of speech.

First, slander is oral -- libel is written. That said, this has nothing to do with slander. This is, if you want to make a case of it, defamation. Further, to evidence your case, you'd have to prove that that which was written was harmful to McDonalds. And that would be difficult to prove. Fact is, this script is so poorly written that its effect is negligible. In other words, it's inconsequential, and, thus, not actionable. Don has nothing to worry about. That said, there's no need to concern yourself with legal ramifications.

As for the story, I read the first few pages and it's obvious that the author, like most of us, is an amateur. His writing is replete with redundancies -- for example...

Quoted from script A really nice and expensive car....

As opposed to what, a crappy and expensive car?

Quoted from script INT. CAR - NIGHT PETER WALSH, mid-thirties, very handsome, is driving the car. A cell phone RINGS from inside the car...

His slug line tells us where the scene is set. That said, telling us that the cell "rings from inside the car," is again, redundant.

The entire story is like this.

Seth

Hey Tim -- Well here are my first thoughts. GROSS! Your story definately had a beginning, middle, and end. So, it can be said that it flowed from start to finish.

Yes, you did have some spelling errors and some of the action scenes were over written, but this was your first attempt. You will get better. Take some of the advice you get from senior members on this site with a giant grain of salt. They aren't worth their weight in it.

Look up a book by Hal Ackerman. Go to http://www.tallfellowpress.com to find it. This book is one of the best I have read on screenwriting. He was or is an instructor for screenwriting at UCLA. Worth the twenty bucks and will be better advice than most of us can offer you.

My advice for you is to re-read your script after two to three days of sitting after finishing. At that point look for spelling errors and decide if any action scenes could be tighter or written to paint a vivid picture rather than tell us what is happening.

Anyway, good luck and keep writing and posting.

Spencer



Good luck with further writings.

Quoted from spencerforhire Take some of the advice you get from senior members on this site with a giant grain of salt. They aren't worth their weight in it.

I am still trying to decide whether or not I take offense at this.

Not sure what your point is, Spencer, but I suspect I disagree with you.

Perhaps I should have called his script "gross" -- then, in a burst of insight, pointed out that his story had a beginning and an end -- then recommended a book.

Quoted from TiM the Zombie ...your absolutely right Bert, there is no way of knowing he is Peter Welsh.  I was going to have him wearing a name tag from work in which he got "held up in".

Glad you found something useful in my comments -- that apparently have less mass than a giant grain of salt.

That is another way to fix things, yes, but you will still need to establish that his wife's name is Barbara.

And keep it McDonald's if you like.  I would classify this work as a satire of sorts, which is certainly a protected form of speech.

Quoted from spencerforhire Hey Tim -- Well here are my first thoughts. GROSS! Your story definately had a beginning, middle, and end. So, it can be said that it flowed from start to finish. Yes, you did have some spelling errors and some of the action scenes were over written, but this was your first attempt. You will get better. Take some of the advice you get from senior members on this site with a giant grain of salt. They aren't worth their weight in it. Look up a book by Hal Ackerman. Go to http://www.tallfellowpress.com to find it. This book is one of the best I have read on screenwriting. He was or is an instructor for screenwriting at UCLA. Worth the twenty bucks and will be better advice than most of us can offer you. My advice for you is to re-read your script after two to three days of sitting after finishing. At that point look for spelling errors and decide if any action scenes could be tighter or written to paint a vivid picture rather than tell us what is happening. Anyway, good luck and keep writing and posting. Spencer Good luck with further writings.

Thank you for reading my script, spencerforhire.  I will take the advice from the more experienced on this site.  The whole debate on whether or not my script is "safe" in copyright terms, threw me off guard.  Thanks for the book recommendation, I'll definately look into that.  Got a few extra bucks from Christmas  ;)  I have read over my script many, many times and I'm still contemplating whether or not to put the revised version up.  I'm working on other stuff right now which seems to be a lot better, so we'll see what happens.

Bert, I added a close up on the receipt she had signed at McDonalds.  She signed it, Barbara Welsh.  The cashier also asked her if she's been doing some Christmas shopping due to the fact that she was holding some shopping bags.  I thought that would be enough... guess not :B

Thanks again

ttz

This was kind of lame. Nothing that hasn't been done before, really, and the interpretation isn't much different either. You don't seem to have brought anything new to the table. Even the slaughterer's image is taken from Hostel. You couldn't taken the apron or the goggles and but together, the image screams German Surgeon. I don't know why someone decapitating people would be wearing a surgeon's smock anyway. Why not just an apron?

Also, there's a lot to the story that doesn't make sense. If indeed McDonald's were doing this, they'd be much, much much more stealthy about it. Definitely wouldn't do it at the restuarant itself, definitely not in the bathroom, and definitely not with a full house. And why is this McDonald's packed anyway? I don't think the food's so great that people come out in droves as you've described.

The idea is only semi-original and half-baked as it is. I'm a hardcore horror aficionado myself so I can appreciate your love for the genre but I'd say if you want to contribute to it, I'd suggest you try to put more originality and, more importantly, thought into what you write. What's the use if you're doing what everyone else is?

This is probably one of my harsher reviews. I mean no offense. I just call them as I see them and try to give the most useful comments I can. Hope this helps.

Quoted from TiM the Zombie Bert, I added a close up on the receipt she had signed at McDonalds.  She signed it, Barbara Welsh.  The cashier also asked her if she's been doing some Christmas shopping due to the fact that she was holding some shopping bags.  I thought that would be enough... guess not :B

This was actually another thing that bothered me.  Who has ever signed for their food at McDonald's?


Phil

I think your looking at this the wrong way.  It's one thing for it to be badly written (which it is) but horror, for the most part, is fictional.  I mean, McDonald's employees slaughtering random civilians is about as realistic as a guy named Freddy Krueger killing teenagers in there sleep.  Or zombies taking over the world as told in A LOT of horror films.

It would only make sense to wear an apron and goggles when your going to decapitate someone.  You wouldn't want the blood all over your clothes would you?  A surgeon apron is a lot more "heavy duty" as opposed to a regular cooking apron.

I've never read a screenplay where a McDonald's kills people and uses there grinded up bodies to make there hamburgers.  If you have, could you point me in that direction, I'd love to read it.  I think its alright to have inspiration.  Eli Roth is probably my favorite new age writer/director and he has inspired me.

I'm only 15, but from what I have seen, after you pay for your food with a credit card, you have to sign a reciept... am I wrong?

ttz

I've never seen anyone pay for a Big Mac with a credit card.

I recommend you read some other scripts.  It can be very educational.


Phil

You mean Freddy Kreuger isn't real! :o

Tim,

You have a clever idea - with some work it can be a clever screenplay.  Pay attention to the comments made (especially the people who didn't like it) and write a second draft, then post it.  Don't let the comments get you down or discourage you - everyone goes through this - especially when they first start writing (even sometimes when we have been writing for a while).  

And Happy New Year.

Quoted from dogglebe I've never seen anyone pay for a Big Mac with a credit card. I recommend you read some other scripts.  It can be very educational. Phil

I hardly ever carry cash -- I use my debit card, even at McDonalds -- not a credit card (no need to run up interest), but, again, a debit card. Still, its a card. That said, cards, be they credit or debit, are accepted.

Whatever the case, your comment isn't relevant in that credit cards are accepted at McDonalds.

Whatever the case, pointing out such a pointless point seems, to me, pointless.

Seth

Quoted from Seth Whatever the case, pointing out such a pointless point seems, to me, pointless. Seth

Tim,

He means the comment about the credit card is pointless point.  Not the comment about reading other scripts, which is a poignant point.

I have read many unproduced scripts and a lot of the movie scripts.  That's probably the only reason my script didn't totally bomb.  I just didn't feel confident enough to write a review.

I have payed attention to the "constructive crticism" my script has recieved.  I have very closely.  I've even started a second draft.  But, I'm pretty sure that my script is an original idea.  The negative comments aren't discouraging me.  I'm just trying to defend my script the best I possibly can.  And try to answer any questions that you may have.

Seth, you have confused me.

Happy New Year!

ttz

Sorry Seth, but I don't think my credit card complaint is pointless.  I've never seen anyone pay with a credit card at McDonald's.  Also, having Barbara sign her name to the recipt is forcing her introduction on us.  I think there are better ways to tell us who she is.  Also, Bert made a point about not knowing who Peter is.  The readers do, but not the movie goers.

Tim, whether or not your script is original is not important right now.  Now is thte time when you learn how to effectively tell/script a story.  And don't feel insecure about posting reviews.  Newer guys often point out things that the older guys overlook.


Phil

To be honest, I didn't throw the introduction to Barbara's name in there at the last minute.  I thought it would be pretty cool if there was a fat close-up on the reciept she signed for a hamburger made out of her husband.  To me, that sounds cool just saying it.  I have also fixed the Peter issue.

And I'm still learning.  Still young, still got time.  The next time I read a script here, I'll try my hand at a review.

ttz

Quoted from dogglebe Sorry Seth, but I don't think my credit card complaint is pointless.  I've never seen anyone pay with a credit card at McDonald's.

You're right, your comment wasn't pointless. I apologize for being so tactless in my response.

Seth

I'll confess straight away that I haven't read this yet but I always scan the comments first anyway.  My reason then for my post is the discussion about paying for McDonalds with a cash card, I think Phil brought this up.  Anyway I was stunned because in England you CAN'T pay for your McDonalds with a credit/debit card, they would just laugh at you and tell you to bugger off and get some cash!! lol