Full Moon by Tony Mancini - Short, Horror - Surge Thomas thought breaking up with his girlfriend was the worst thing to ever happen to him...He was wrong. 5 pages - fdr, format 8)

Tony,

Horror is a tough genre. There are many fans and due to the low budget nature of horror films there are many horror films.  Many ideas have been tried.  In order to have an interesting horror film you need to supply new ideas.  I don't think you achieved this with your short.

Other issues with your short is the backstory.  What is the significance of the dagger and the chain? You need to explain that.  Why would the werewolf be following him?  You need to explain that.  Also, having them make up at the end - well that didn't sit right with me either.

Rather than a complete short - this seems to me to be some scenes.  Complete your backstory and throw in some original ideas and you might have something here.

Thanks for the help mcornetto. This short was actually for an online game which only allowed no more then 5-7 pages. So I had to try to fit everything in. If it was up to me I would have expand it to about 30 pages. Again, thanks for your help.

Hey Tony

First I'd suggest you change the file to a pdf or a simple text file and re-post it as not everyone has final draft and so wont be able to open it.

I thought Surge forgot his cell and then at the end it rings?

Anyway this kinda reminded me of the opening to 'An American Werewolf in London', which is a great film by the way.  I don't know but the dialogue started well with the argument but when Surge is talking to himself and the werewolf it seems a bit unatural and forced.

I'd also say that this could be fleshed out a little.  I know it's a short but even shorts need to build up a bit of tension.  Everything happens too quickly for me.

Overall it 's a good effort but could be better.  Like mcornetto mentioned, it seems like a smaller part of a larger story, if that makes sense.  Whose the man at the end and why's he chasing Surge?  You could explain these if you wanted to expand this.  Anywho it's your choice, I'm just a muppet with an opinion. lol

First of all, only a handful of us have Final Draft.  Without it, no one can open your file.  Save it as a .pdf or as an .rtf and resubmit it.

This big problem with this script is that it was too straight-to-the-point.  You need to build some suspense in the chase.  And, as brief as you did the whole thing with Jessica, you really should add more.  She's just a toss-away character; she shouldn't be in this script.

Now that this video game contest is over, you can rewrite this.  Make it feature length, maybe.


Phil

Hey read your short sooooooooo

* Spoilers *

* I Also thought that Surge didn't have his cell phone at first.  It wasn't until i went back and read it that he said he "forgot" he had it.  Maybe you should just leave that whole line out and have the phone ring at the end startling him, then having him say "oh yeah I forgot about my phone" or something.

* With the fight at the first I would have bet a dollar that his ex was the wolf.  I mean, she gets mad, turns into a wolf and tries to eat him.  Makes sense to me.  Instead it's just some random guy.  

* I agree with the whole silver dagger thing, it's a little to convenient.

It was a decent story, but it's not one that you would remember an hour after you read it.