Adreena the Vampire by Darren S. Winters - Short, Horror - Adreena, bitten by a the creature she believed as myth. Now she struggles to make peace with what she has become.  8 pages - pdf, format 8)

To me, this script felt like the opening to a television show.  Some quick bursts of action.  A dash of horror.  And a lot of voice over.  All you needed was theme music.

Character development was a big problem with this script.  There wasn't enough.  If this script was twenty pages long, or longer, I wouldn't have finished it because I didn't care about the characters, or should I say, character, as it was just about Adreena.  If you don't make interesting characters, no one will care what happens to them.

Formatting was another problem.  You wrote this as a shooting script (with all the headers and camera angles), when you really should be writing it as a spec script.  Less technical stuff makes for an easier read.

When writing your descriptions, write only things that can be recorded by the camera.  Your script is filled with mistakes in this department:

page one:  

"The light hurdles out at us almost as if it wants us to follow it."

"The woman falls flat with force, weak from a vampire attack."

page three:

"The woman is silent, she has neither the energy nor will to move or scream."

How does the camera film the light wanting us to follow?  Or that the woman is because because of a vampire attack?  Or that she doesn't have the desire or strength to move?

Your descriptions are all as if you wrote this as a short story, where colorful description sets the mood.  This is not how it's done in screenwriting.

Read some scripts here.  It's a great learning experience.


Phil

Hey Darren

Thought I'd give this a look but I think you tried a bit too hard at the start cos I read the opening and went....what?

I would try not to write things like 'us' meaning the viewers perception, because it can't be shown on screen.  I would also include in this any camera directions like 'frame'.

You write well but it's too novel like, you don't need to write things like
'the old carriagehas been completely blocked up, any holes are non existent'.
How do we know any holes have been blocked up?  But hey who am I to say you shouldn't write like this, every writer has their own style so I suppose you can be as descrptive as you like.  Anyway i'll finishing reading...

How do we know there's a bridge overhead from an internal shot?  I know I said I wouldn't comment on this but I feel I need to because it's distracting for the reader.  It's a shame because your dialogue is good and your descriptions at times a also well written.  Again you can't use simile's as this can not be shown.

What you have here is a good story but it's not a script as it is.  Some of your descriptions frankly make no sense to me, here's an example and try to envision a director thinking how he/she will shoot this, 'The luminous city lights blind us, the changing colours a powerful force of disorientation, oppressing'.

I think you tried a little too hard here, It took focus off what you trying to say.  It's a good starting point and don't be put off by my comments but you need to rewrite this.

Anywho chin up and keep at it.  Luckily I read a lot of stuff on here before I even started anything of my own and I'm glad I did because there's alot of people on here who will help you get your format right, maybe I'm not the best but it's a start mate.

Oh well, in the time it took me to write my response to reading this, dogglebe beat me to the chase...lol.

I like the descriptive voice, but have to agree that it is distracting at points, and does not belong in a spec script. One specific line of description confused me. On page 1 you say Adreena "stumbles uncontrolably" then that she moves "effortlessly, sluggish." I can't picture this. The descriptions all seem to contradict with each other. If the way she is walking is important, make it more clear.

Page 5: I don't know that cops would start shouting a suspect, maybe make the officer accidentally squeeze the trigger in fear. Also put "What the fuck is going on?" in quotes.

Page 7: "I shall leave it" not "I shall it leave." Also, "And that's the end of my story" doesn't work for me. There isn't really a story, and if there is, this seems to be the beginning, not the end.

Finally, don't ever call Adreena "The woman." call her Adreena, and or use pronouns. When you used "The woman" I thought there was another character in there other than Adreena.


Keep at it.

Quoted from dogglebe Read some scripts here.  It's a great learning experience.

Could you be anymore patronising? From the work I have seen you submit here you have neither written it in the correct SPEC format nor has it got any sense of motion to it's story line. So how can you come out with comments to me like "read more scripts"?

I think you are highly patronising and have to high an opinion of yourself, it is given that my Adreena script is not wrote in the correct format SPEC format (there is a reason) unlike the rest of my work... but I have yet to see any of your work written in the correct format!!

This honestly read like a black and white B movie from the 50's. This is not neccesarely a negative thing though.

It was readable but not really interesting. Try and add dialouge and some more story.

Keep it up!

Phil wasn't patronising, he was just trying to help. There's no need to get so defensive. Anyways, I also TRIED the read your script. It was just to boring and felt unfocused. You get props for being somewhat original, but next time make things a little more interesting. Good luck in future, and try not to be so defensive!

Quoted from Combichrist Could you be anymore patronising? From the work I have seen you submit here you have neither written it in the correct SPEC format nor has it got any sense of motion to it's story line. So how can you come out with comments to me like "read more scripts"?

It was not my intention to be patronizing.  It was to be honest.  Reading scripts is a great way to learn how to write them.  I'm sorry you've had problems with my writing style and scripts.  However, since you failed to comment on any of them, I can't see what you had problems with.

Quoted from Combichrist I think you are highly patronising and have to high an opinion of yourself, it is given that my Adreena script is not wrote in the correct format SPEC format (there is a reason) unlike the rest of my work...

You have a reason, eh?  Well, I have a reason why I fry my eggs at 1,400 degrees.  Sure, it's unedible, but I do have my reason for it:  It's to completely fuck up the egg!

Quoted from Zack Phil wasn't patronising, he was just trying to help. There's no need to get so defensive. Anyways, I also TRIED the read your script. It was just to boring and felt unfocused. You get props for being somewhat original, but next time make things a little more interesting. Good luck in future, and try not to be so defensive!

Thanks for pointing this out, Zack.  I didn't catch Combi's post way back when.

Some people just don't understand that, when you post a script here, people will comment on it.  If they like it, you get praise.  If they don't, you get criticized.  THis isn't a back-patting club.  If you want automatic atta-boy's then you should show your work to grandma.  She'll love it so much she'll put it on the refrigerator door.


Phil