Harold by Tim Flegal - Short, Horror - Two farmers make a life size doll to ward off birds from there garden. What they don't know, is that the doll has a mind of its own. 17 pages - pdf, format 8)

That was pretty good could have been a long horror page 5 and 8  /mean put inside him.

GOOD script!  

Thank you for reading my script, lawrence gilliam.  I've always been a fan of the short story ever since I picked up, "More Scary Stores to tell in the Dark".  So one day, I decided to adapt it into a screenplay of my own.  Hope everyone likes it.

ttz

Ok, I decided to give this one a read. I'm not that experienced but I think I can offer some good feedback.

Here are some of the grammatical mistakes I found in your script.

-"This feel to good." should be "This feels too good."
-"Your absolutely right" should be "You're absolutely right"
-"Alfred and Thomas sit at a table, eating there supper." There should be their.
-"Yeah, me to."  should be "Yeah, me too."

There are many more but I'll stop there. It's not that bad, your script just needs a little proofreading. I know those mistakes are easy to miss (just look at my Killer Lactose in the One Week Thing short section).

As for the story itself, I think it was a pretty good adaptation. The dialogue, however, seemed a bit forced. It also read flat at times but, then again, I have no idea how "real farmers" would talk so it might be just me.

Overall, not bad. But it does need some revisions.

--Julio

  

Hey Tim,

I'm going into the review quickly...

SPOILERS!

Description wise, you need to provide more. You come up with comments through the characters that the reader does not know about before. For example, pg.7 the rain. How are I to know it looks like to rain if there is no description of clouds that reveal any signs of dark clouds.  best rule of thumb: don't tell...show.

The dialgoue seems to intermediate between being stiff and being real.  

The story IMO was not scary sorry to say. A scarecrow who comes to life and kills. I didn't find the concept interesting and also the execution was a bit weak. No biggie, just go back and revise.

Gabe

Hey Tim -- I thought the story was okay over all. Some points that caught my eye were:

Your dialogue seemed to represent two country boys with country dialogue... yet ... there are several points where the country dialogue slips away from its intent.

As well, you seemed to get to your points later than you should have. Some scenes could have been tightened up with more of just the bare neccessities.

Well, hope that helps. If not just ignore and read my latest script YOU CANT DO THAT ON A PLANCE. Oooh a shameless plug.

Look forward to reading more of your scripts.

Spencer

This script was on easy read....but overall I think it fell flat. The story had some promise but the dialogue and characters were a bit one dimensional. But it was entertaining in some parts. Not a bad read, just maybe a few revisions with dialogue and character development. :)

I remember reading this story on the "Even more scary stories to tell in the dark" book. This was good for the most part, but some things bothered me.

The dialogue was kind of bad. The characters weren't that convincing and I didn't really care for them. I think it would have been more scary if when Harold was running towards them were set in the dark. I think that is how it was in the book, but I can't really remember.

This would be a good feature. Some spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes (apart from how they spoke with a farmer's attitude), but all is well.

Sean

Tim, after reading this short, I came away wanting more. The dialogue wasn't really necessary with some of the small talk, but rounded out nicely. As for the scary bits, nothing really grabbed at me, but I could see what you were trying to do. If this was 30 pages you could have made the feeling more suspenseful. Aside from that, it was well written aside from some pesky grammar tidying up.

Al and Thomas should be older -

I thought this was good too - I don't think I've ever read the original story but it did remind me of those scary tales for kids, kind of predictable but still had enough suspense in it to keep it interesting, though like the others the spelling mistakes threw me, but that's easy enough to fix.

I would add a little more to it as well, (SPOILER??) particurlarly their outbursts with Harold.. just give a little more reasoning for it, and I liked the other poster's idea about them running in the dark.. but over all it was a nice read.