The Filmmaker by Daniel Toemta - Short - J.P., a man in his forties, walks in and steps up to the front desk. The Lobby is fairly busy, with a few people in normal work clothes walking in and out. 14 pages - pdf, format 8)

Daniel,

This was actually very good and yet such a let down in the end. I liked the premise of the story and the way it starts off. Great dialog in general (though the dialog between J.P. and Caroline seems a bit corny), believable characters and excellent pacing.

!!SPOILERS!!

I was totally unprepared for what happened in the end - and I'm not sure that's a good thing. It just seemed to come out of nowhere, no back-story, therefore not believable. And I feel that ruins everything. You had build it up very nicely, we had gotten to know a little bit about J.P. and the other characters...and then he just whips out a gun and kills 'em.

And since Shear is not very well written, I just didn't care when he got shot. I think you should work on developing Shear a bit more, nothing major just a hint now and then.

It's obvious that you can write and it's therefore a puzzle to me, that your synopsis is written like it is. You basically just took the opening lines from the script and used that. It doesn't do the script justice and it certainly doesn't sell it.


Regards
Rob

Thanks for your reply, Sniper.

Yes I know all that and I'm basicly just trying out writing styles and methods with these J.P. stories (Reaitly/Fiction is another one) and seeing what works and what doesn't.

Hey Dan.  I know I said I would read this ages ago.  Thought I would give you a surprise bump on it now.

Right off, the logline is wretched.  It is killing this story, and that is probably the main reason it didn't get very many looks at the time.

And your story here deserves better, frankly.  Also, it may just be my computer, but the font seems very tiny for some reason.

The dialogue here is fluid, and it feels quite natural.  The primary strength of this script, actually.  Dropping the movie references here and there is a nice touch, and appropriate for the piece.

The conversation with the two guys about the video tape is a little awkward, though.  I could tell you were going for a Tarantino kind of riff with that.  The tone was alright -- you did  accomplish what you set out to do -- but the anecdote itself just wasn't that humorous.  But more than that, I am not really sure the conversation belongs there at all.  It is not relevant to the story -- not really -- and you might consider losing it altogether.

When the story turns, it does come as quite a surprise.  But almost too much of a surprise, you know?  You gave us no hints about what is to come, so when it arrives so suddenly, it feels a bit artificial.  Unsupported -- like a trick of sorts.

You need to give J.P. an air of malevolence, even if it is only something subtle.  You can (and should) keep him charming -- but given where this story ultimately goes -- you also need to give him a sharper edge so we can accept what he does.

And finally, while I can respect your trying to be mysterious about J.P.'s motives, you also have Shear say some really odd things.  "I only need five more hours."  Huh?  What's that all about?  Don't raise those additional questions if you have no intention of answering them.  

So, I am feeling the need for a stronger payoff here for this story to satisfy like it could.  I know you are fond of this J.P. character and intend to expand upon him in future works.  This story might have worked better had we been more familiar with him.  

I would suggest returning for a rewrite once you have this character a little more fleshed out. (And give it a better logline!)  When you have a really good handle on why J.P. does the things he does, flesh this out a bit and give us a few more hints.  We don’t need everything, of course -- but a little more would help this story.  

Hey, Daniel.  I enjoyed this script quite a bit.  Unfortunately, it could use a little tune up.  Like previously mentioned, there's just not enough back story within this.  I would suggest replacing the porno joke with maybe a shot of Shear talking with Caroline as he enters the building.  Have her talk about the phone call she got earlier maybe and that someone is waiting for him.  Just something to give Shear a little more character.

Unfortunately, I suspected the ending just from the phone call and knowing a little about you as a writer.  Even so, that just made it a little better for me when reading, by created less of an unbelievable twist.

Three main points is I would make Shear a little less whiny because that, to me, just made him unlikeable.  He's involved with bad people so I would think he would be a little more composed with the gun.  Don't get me wrong, he would stil be scared, but I didn't see him as one to beg.

My next point is about the envelope.  It was a lot like Tarantino's briefcase in Pulp Fiction, the problem is, your story isn't full enough to have that.  I would drop the avoiding dialogue around it and maybe hint slightly at what it could be.

Lastly, I would suggest silencing J.P.'s gun because a building like that would have security and someone would hear Tiffany being shot I would think.

Other small tidbits is on the bottom of page nine, Tiffany just suddenly bursts into liking J.P. when she says "The funny side".  At first, I saw her as very defensive and lightening up a little, but right at that point she suddenly changes completely.

As a side note, I liked your plugging of your own writing into this script (such as Children of the Dead).

-Pat

Thank you for reading, both of you :)

This is the last script I wrote, after hearing the feedback I got from several people on this I realized all the things that you and bert just commented on and how I should REALLY write a screenplay, dialouge relevant to the storyline, payoffs, ect, I still like this one though seeing as it is my second tribute to Tarantino.

On the silencing of the gun, I left it unsilenced for dramatic effect and to keep you wondering if someone (police, workers, ect) was gonna come bursting through the door. Of course someone would have heard it but you think someone would have come to check it out if they heard a gunshot inside an office building? My first attempt at a little dramatic claustrphobia.

The only tiny little thing that I didn't like (and it is tiny) is that he said he was from Northern Europe. Nobody would say something like that. Pick a country, it makes a lot more sense.

I found the script an easy read, it flowed pretty well and I was able to read the entire story during the second period of the hockey game.
I found the entire story could be cut down to the fifth floor.
Great writing though, I can see where you were headed when you wrote it.

wow, thanks :) it's been a while but... maybe I should write another one of these shorts.. just to show you guys that I'm not dead or anything ;D