Pretend You Are A Robot by Cindy L. Keller - Short, Comedy - This is what happens when you let my 5 year old use a video camera. 5 pages  - pdf, format 8)

I'm not really sure what to make of this.  I mean this seems like a script from an actual home movie, but then the last 3 pages or so I'm thinking is this Chris kid possessed by the devil or something?  You got him as 5 years old here and he's saying things that 5 year olds don't normally say...well, I take that back, I knew one 5 year old who would use more curse words than I did and he's probably gonna be on America's Most Wanted some day...but yeah, am I over-analyzing this?  Cause you got the dog attacking him at the end...makes me think that there's something wrong with this kid.  And Starr is 11 and you have her mom in her early twenties, which means she gave birth around 10-11 or something?

I think there's a deep meaning here, but I'm just not clearly seeing it.  

I agree with Greg about the five-year-old's language -- it's too vulgar; even if this character is based on a real child, it's hard to empathize with the kid. The ending was sort of hard to understand; I originally thought this was going to be a saccharine movie short, something like those old Pac-Bell commericials from the '80s, but then it turned into something weird without any closure. The other stuff like grammar, punctuation and age issues can easily be fixed; it's the plot that needs serious retooling.

Wow! Don got this up pretty quick.

Okay, I'll explain this piece. :B

This IS a short little film, and I went ahead and wrote the screenplay for.

The story is that Chris started out wanting to use the camera, he used the camera, and how it ended...

Mom was very young when she had Starr (14). Yep, very, very young.

I think Chris got this stuff from Beavis and Butthead. He didn't actually say any bad words even though it was shocking what he did say.

Cindy  

Fair enough, Cindy.

But in order for this script to hit me on an existential level, I need to be able answer the questions "What is this movie about?" and "What themes are being presented here?" As it is, I can't answer either one of these. That's not necessarily a knock on your writing ability, I truly don't know. Perhaps I am missing something. So I will ask you, the author, What is the message of this script? Which sort of themes were you trying to introduce?  

You never know what a kid is going to say or do, and if you give one a video camera, well something bad will probably happen.

They say the same thing about Kevin Smith now.

Well, they're being too hard on the guy. He's alright.  

You're right. That was rather cruel of me, wasn't it? The original Clerks was cool, and Dogma had a sweet, little moral regarding the arrogance of the Catholic church. In hindsight I should have used M. Night Shyamalan as an example instead. Oh, well. Anyway, we're getting way off topic here.

This was rather bizarre. I understand this actually happened and the point were trying to make but I just don't think it translates well into screenplay format, let alone film. This isn't a story, it's an incident. Incidents can have narrative but lack direction and film is a medium that runs on direction. So yeah, I appreciate what you were trying to do with this but I just didn't think it worked. Sorry. That's just my opinion.

Cindy,

I'm at a loss over this one.  I have to agree with the others.
I just couldn't see the point to all this...  I know it really happened, but as they say, just because it happened doesn't mean it works on the page.  Or on screen.

This is what threw me a curve.  I've read some of your stuff and know what you're capable of.
And so I'm thinking that you are going to jolt us in the end.  Even though your brief synopsis didn't say as much.
So as this kid is saying more and more censored stuff, and directing this film with a more deft hand, I started to feel the buildup of something dramatic.  When it didn't come, I'm like "Oh."

I anticipated that we would glimpse everybody through the viewfinder and see the family literally performing as described  --- of course, I don't know how you would film some of those acts.

I guess I had that Billy Mumy story, "It's a Good Life" running through my head.

This isn't much of a story. It's an anecdote, and what's worse is that it's a "you had to be there" kind of anecdote. If you like the idea of a 5 year old playing director, which is cool in itself, I say sensationalize it. Give us more of the characters, and let us know why we should care about them. Then read The Scrosese Club. It's a good one.

IkE

Hm, strange. It had no "story" qualities to it, but it wasn't bad either suppose. I guess it was only a short though, huh?

Well,
Thanks everyone for giving it a read. I know it's quite different than what I usually put out there to be read. I did leave out some of the reactions of the people involved in the screenplay that were in the actual film... This five page script was only a minute and a half on film.
Cindy

Cindy,

I thought it was cute and I got a couple of laughs out it.  I disagree with the other posts that say there isn't a story here. There is - a young child tries to direct a home video only to be foiled by the family dog - or something like that.  There are characters in here as well.  

Being that it is basically a transcript and that it really isn't here to be produced, you did well with it.  If you were to work further with this, decide on a story and write it out as a logline then enhance the transcript to bring the story out and make it clearer.

I have mixed feelings with this one Cindy.

I agree with Greg and Patrick that some of the dialogue of a 5 year old kid was strange and seemed a bit out of place but like you say, they say the funniest things at times.

I also agree with mcornetto that it is a story.  I believe there's a story in everything, no matter what the incident or action is.  Sometimes you have to look a little harder to find it but it's always there...that's life right, a story.

Anyway this was kinda nice, funny and easy to read.  I do think it might benefit from a little more but I'm not sure what.  I don't think I've much help here so I'll quit now. lol.

Anywho I liked what there was.

mcornetto and alffy,

Thanks for giving this a read and commenting on it.
I guess it didn't work out very well as a screenplay. I left some of the film out when writing to cut down on the page count.
On film it was just insane. I thought it would get a laugh if I posted it.
Oh well.
It will be awhile before I post another script. I'm busy on the rewrite of Halloween Games... Three locations now, but the bulk will be in a house, and new scenes that should scare people into having nightmares.  ;D
So hopefully it will make up for this script.  

Thanks again for reading,

Cindy

Hi Cindy.

I've been meaning to read this but haven't had the chance. So here's my review when I've finally read this:



After reading a few of the other posts, I have to agree with what some of them said. I'm not sure this was meant to be translated into a screenplay, even as a comedy. I'm pretty sure it was funny in real life, but me, being a 16-year-old who isn't fond with many 5-year-olds, didn't find this too comical.

Also, the dialogue is a little edgy, since you don't normally hear one say stuff like that to his family, nor the family in particular.

Sean

While this would've been nice to see as it actually happened, I don't think it works as a short.  It doesn't go anywhere and ends rather anti-climactically.  This would work better as a scene in a longer piece.


Phil

Sean and Phil,

Thank you for giving it a read. It was just something that happened that I found funny. I see it didn't work out on paper.

Sean how could you not like a five year old kid. I adore children. They are honest, and you never know what they are going to say next.  ;D

Tonight I went to visit my daughter and my new grandson at the hospital.
Chris, the five year old in the script, also came to see them there.
Of course I brought the video camera, and of course Chris wanted to use the camera. He pointed the camera at his mother and said, "Pretend you are a robot".
LOL
Everyone laughed, then she took the camera away from him.  

Oh well, still working on Halloween Games.

Thanks for giving it a read.

Cindy

Quoted from CindyLKeller Sean how could you not like a five year old kid. I adore children. They are honest, and you never know what they are going to say next.

I'm just not a child person. I find them either annoying some times, or other times they're just too much work in  my part. But I'm sure I'll have to get used to them someday if I want some of my own...*shivers*

Anyways, I'm pretty sure this was funny in real life. You could probably even go ahead and film it and see how it turns out.

Sean

Cindy,

I enjoyed the fun family emotions flowing through this script. I understand the mom was 14 when she had her first child. I'm suprised, yet happy for the family, as it shows their strength to stay together. I felt like each and every character should have been introduced right in the beginning. It's a bit awkward for the reader to be under the impression that 2 or 3 characters are in the scene, and then more and more keep getting introduced later, even though they have been sitting there the entire time. I agree with one of the other posts that when the script ended, I was just like "oh..." I feel like their are some strong things going for you: interesting characters, room for inriguing backstory, and powerful feelings of joy and family unity. Work with these...

-Adam-

Hey Adam,

Thanks for giving this a read even though this one is an embarrasment for me.
It was something to write when I had writer's block... for something to do.

It was crazy, but that's my family, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  :)

Thanks again,
Cindy