Second Chance by Pat Fitzgerald (BrandNew) - Short, Drama - A disjointed tale of a drug addict before and after rehab. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

I'm always up for reading a story about drug addicts, so I thought I'd check this out.

The format was pretty good; however, you kept writing the characters' names in capitals; you only need to do that when you introduce them. You also wrote some other words in capitals like WOOD on page one and TIN on page three. Again this was unnecessary. I also picked up two spelling mistakes; on page two you wrote heroine instead of heroin and on page seven you wrote Hells no instead of Hell no.

POSSIBLE SPOILERS

Your writing style was good as far as the descriptions went and the dialogue seemed fairly natural. As you said in the logline, the story is a little disjointed and I found it a little confusing at times, particularly at the start when Sam walked into the bathroom and then came out to find Cindy in his kitchen. I also thought the rehab he went to seemed over the top with guards and security fences. I've worked in rehabs in Australia and they were nothing like that, but, perhaps they are where you're from.

  

Hey Chris, thanks for the comments.

This was one of my first scripts so that is why there are some problems with the capitalization of assorted things as well as names.

I have a feeling the rehab clinic was over the top as well, as I've never even seen one, but I just kind of combined it with a prison, hence the guards and fences.  These may not even exist in the real world (combined prisons/rehab clinics), but what is a movie, but temporary disbelief.

Also, the "Hells" isn't a typo, even though it may seem it.  I have a friend that always says "Hells no" for some reason and it was mainly just an inside joke.

Once again, I appreciate you reading this.

Pat

No worries, Pat. I'll keep an eye out for your next script.

You don't need to write Sam's name in upper case letters every time. Jus tthe first time will do, with a small description of the character's age and apperance.

Your scene headings are wrong format "EXT. - STREET - MORNING" in right format it's "EXT. STREET - MORNING"

When the cop first speaks you should make his name "MALE VOICE" and then you introduce him as a COP.

Your action paragraphs can't be any longer than 5 lines, this is a rule you must remember to follow.

In your scene headings, don't use like "AFTERNOON" and so on. Use DAY, NIGHT. And if it's very relevant to your plot you can use DAWN and DUSK. But refrain from using dawn and dusk when you don't need it 'cause it makes the shooting schedule hard and you just know you're gonna have some guy on the set yell that all time favorite cliched line "We're losing the light here, folks!"

___

Interesting to say the least, Pat. You've written a thinker here, that's for sure. You described everything well and made a picture inside my head, although a bit more description of like, scenery and weather and such couldn't hurt. You could might even try to have the weather symbolize the man's state of mind or mood.

I also liked the jumping around in the timeline, I love that way of storytelling.

Hello,

First problem. What does Sam look like? there is no discription of him.

Your dialouge is good and your discriptions are okay. Not a whole lot of story here. I got what you were doing but this Cindy needs to be explained more./ Who is she? Is she someone of importance? You have to descripe these things to your readers.

Your over all was okay, I think if you put more work into it then you would have a great concept.

Dan