Addiction by Joshua A.B. Hike - Short, Drama - In gambling there's much more at stake than just money and pride. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey, I just read this and I finished expecting more.  I felt that not enough actually happened, it was just an one sided argument.

The dialogue is definately very one sided, with Amy doing the majority of the explaination and Charlie answering briefly.  Overall, the dialogue and descriptions are okay.  Also I didn't notice any typos while reading.

Frankly though, I felt this story needed a bit more to make it gripping.  Perhaps show the poker game and capture the rush and loss that Charlie feels when he wins and loses it all.  Something to just fill in the characters a bit more and add some excitement and feeling.

As a side note, I would also add something like a "Fade Out" at the end because it just sort of stops.

With a decent amount of work, I feel that this script could be quite good.

-Pat

Hi,

Just read the piece. I definitely think the subject matter is an important one and I think you’ve only touched the surface in portraying what devastation gambling can have on people and their families. I like the notion that the character has no idea why he does what he does and think this powerlessness could be the key to the story.

The dialogue so far could be condensed into a page. A lot more time can be spent on the consequences of this addiction. $42,000 is a lot. I know of people who have sunk hundreds of thousands of dollars IN POKIE MACHINES. People have lost businesses. The problem is also intergenerational. Parents do it; their kids do it, and even grand kids.

Apart from that your characters, descriptions, style and formatting are all good except you need to indicate to the reader that the script has ended. i.e. FADE OUT:  

I agree with the previous review “With a decent amount of work, this script could be quite good.” And worthwhile.

Regards

Bill.

First off I just wanted to say thank you for your posts.  I can see your points and I really think that I'm going to use this scene to springboard into a full length screenplay.  Thanks for the pointers.  I really appreciate your time.

When I finished reading this script, I thought that something had happened to my printer as the script just stopped.  It didn't end; it stopped.  You might as well have stopped it in mid-sentence.

Your dialogue was very on-the-nose.  The dialogue was very informative, but not very realistic.  You tell us exactly what we nedd to know without any warm up.  People generally don't talk like this.  They chitchat a little before getting to the point.

Also, people do things when they talk.  With the exception of a few simple gestures, the two stood there and argued.  Visually, this is very boring.  Break up the dialogue with small pieces of action.  Have Charlie toss his housekeys on a table.  Have Amy fidget with her wedding ring.  Without some sort of action, you basically wrote a radio play.


Phil

I had relatively mixed reactions to this short:

1.  On page three, you had a gramatical error, "I'm tried of taking loans," I believe you meant tired.

2.  Dialogue was very realistic, I liked it, but the last sequence of exchanges was rather unenthusiastic.  "I'm leaving," "I know," "I won't be back," "I know,"  You should add some emotion, or increase their final exchange.

3.  This really does not belong, and this is my opinion, I feel like this does not belong in the shorts section.  I think that it'd work much better as a full length script, but you said you might make it into a full length script, so I think that'd be your best bet.  

But overall, it was pretty decent, I'd only recommend adding some more into the plot.  

Good luck bud.   ;)

well, this one ended abrubtly! Talk about a disappointment. You had such good build up, how could you let it end like that? You didn't even throw in a

FADE TO-

BLACK FRAME

or anything! Go back and write an ending. This script deserves that much. As the way it is, it's decent, but the ending was so disappointing!
6 out of 10

First and foremost, WHERES THE REST?

You started off in a great direction a man gambles away 42 grand and the wife stuck at home is waiting up for him. They argue and it ends? Why not try and put some more work into this. You keep the reader hooked but then the ending it just well it just ended. I think if you sat down and added more to this it would be a great story. Like you have the begining middle and ending to close together. But you can use this for the begining and then exspand your story to why they are arguing and go back in time to see how it all started. This is just an idea.

I will be waiting to see if you finish this. I would like to read more.

Dan

I'm with everyone else on this; there simply wasn't enough. It was so one sided that I expected a twist, like Charlie turning around and saying he won or something. If you wanted to go in that direction, perhaps he could just say he gambled forty two grand instead of saying he lost it. The wife assumes he's blown the lot and leaves and the twist could be that Charlie actually won about two hundred grand. It's just an idea that popped into my head while I was reading it.

I laughed when the wife said “Why couldn’t you drink? Or smoke or shoot heroin? Why can’t you be fucked up like normal people” That was a beauty. Lol.

BTW you don’t need an e on the end of heroin.

I agree with the others, the ending could have been better.  Real sounding dialog though, and a real-world issue (gambling addiction) thrown in.  Maybe this theme or story idea will become a longer spec?  (It was at least better then "lucky you". omg that movie sucks).

Hi,
I just read your script and thought it didn't go far enough. I like a "FADI IN" at the begining and :FADE OUT" at the end. I was scrolling down looking for more text.

I liked the story line but as I said before, you have to take it further. Explore characters, develope plots. It can be done in five pages.

Keep writing.

Peter

You can definitely shorten the dialogue a bit. Shorter dialogue would make this more powerful. You had me until the ending. Maybe this was a teaser to a larger script? If not, go back and add an ending. You lost fans ending like that. Anyways, from what was included, the story has promise. Just tighten the dialogue and give a powerful ending.

-Devin

The "I know" lines could be skipped completely. Charlie can just stand there with a hang-dog expression.