Chat Room Encounter by Ryan - Short, PSA, Commercial - ‘Chat Room Encounter’ is a short script, possibly a commercial, about a young girl, Jessica, who begins chatting with, who she believes is a boy, but who really turns out to be a predator. The film is designed to inform parents and kids alike of the dangers of the cyber world. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

I think I've already seen this commercial, Ryan.  The only difference is--

SPOILER SPACE

--that the girl met the predator in a park, which made for a more shocking ending.


Phil

Yeah, this is a nice little PSA. But I think it would have read better if you saved the 'We should meet' til after you do the split screen IMO.


Rob

Mmmm

Didn't really get this one, i mean i know its a commercial with a strong point but it i just thought...why?

It's a premise everyone knows about and it didn't engage at all.  Maybe if it wasn't so obvious or something, i don't know i'm rabbiting.

Not too sure about this one, was this a class project? You wrote it becomes evident that she's talking to a predator, how do you plan on showing this on screen. Does he type something obscene to her?

Well, this was well-written. I think you should have the predator provoke her. Be like, "So where do you live?" or "Can I see a picture of you?"

It's good and has a strong point to it. Extend it more, though.

Sean

I agree with the posters above that it was good, but hardly surprising. It just felt like I knew exactly what was coming.

One thing I would do is remove "This is a commercial/PSA for..." on the title page. It's totally unnecessary. You have to put whoever reads this in the same position as a viewer at home would be in. You wouldn't have that disclaimer at the beginning of the actual spot right?

And over all, I wanted to be more shocked or disturbed. Especially in a spot that deals with predators preying on small children. That's a big fear for parents and I think you have to scare the absolute poo out of them. (Sorry, wish I had specific suggestions.)

Also, did you time this out with a stopwatch? Seems like it might run a little long. 60 seconds at the most. Something like this, I'd time it at around :56 or :57 just to give you time to play with should you film it.

One more thing, and this is just a suggestion. Turn the super at the end into a voice over. It's way too long for somone to be able to read on screen. Have the only super be "internetsafety.org." That address is what you want most to get across and it kind of gets lost in a printed super. Have the voice over run over that super.

As always, these are just suggestions.