Quoted from alffy Hey Luke thought I'd give the once over. Right first you need to fix your title page because as it stands it reads only 'Screenplay'. This may come across as picky but I hope you find this helpful. Better format might get you more reads. Your first slugline should be written as so - INT. LIVING ROOM. You have EXT. TODD'S LIVING. DAY. How can this be external if it's inside? Also as your inside you don't really need the time of day. 'ing' is also not the best way to write your action. Rather than saying Todd id sitting, put Todd sits or Todd is sat. Try not to include camera actions, you have that the screen zooms to the tv. Don't include actions in your dialogue. If Todd keeps his eyes on the tv, write this in the action. 'There is a 2 second pause'. Hmm best to change this too. Either just say there's a pause or if you feel the need to include how long it is, write two not 2. You introduce Todd and his brother very minimally. How old, roughly, are they, what do they look like and so on? You don't need to say the scene ends cos the next slugline tells us that. Again you second slugline reads as Ext altough it's inside. I suggest you proof read before submit it. Vicki says that Sam's dad is dead by some unmentionable people, this sounds strange. Especially when you suggest that Sam and Todd killed him. You change scene without telling us. Todd exits the car, then is seated inside the school. You need a new slug here. The dialogue between Todd and Sam reads well. Your slugs are annoying me now, they all read Ext!! Try to write in real time, the present. Meaning Dan enters the room and closes the door, not he closes the door after he enters. It's these little things that need changing. Typo reads pounds full of ducks, should be pond. How do we know Franks a hobo, describe him. Harvey is Todds older brother and Todd and Sam are the same age right but Sam easily pushes Harvey into a closet? Don't include 'viewers' and 'you'. Nice ending with Dan. To sum up, the story is ok but has nothing really new. Two teenage boys, I guess they're teenage, having a secret party. The problem for me lies with your format and your grammer. Also though you have two kids who show extreme cruelty towards animals and are murderers, even though their parents seem to know this. For a script about teenagers who appear to get away with murder and are clearly appear unremorseful about it, this just doesn't ring true for me. This is out of bounds for me, sorry. There are just too many problems here for me, you need to rewrite this and work on a few things. On a plus point, your dialogue was good, especially between Todd and Sam. |